confused and need help urgently

[rebecca]

I love this guy deeply but the problem is that we can't be together because he doesn't live here he lives far away from home. We used to go to the same school but he graduated and left. We started to like eachother four months before he left and so we've never been oficially girlfriend and boyfriend. It's been almost 2 years since then and we love eachother more than we did back then. we communicate by e-mail and icq alot but we don't see eachother much but he claims he really loves me and apreciates me. We haven't gotten involved in a long distance relationship because he more than me says that he can't handle it because he works his ass off aswell as studies his ass off and therefore he says that he wouldn't be able to dedicate the time i deserve, he wouldn't be able to call me much and also he wouldn't see me much. He says that he doesn't want to hurt me to live my life because his first priority is to see me happy.We have been through a lot of problem we sort of have a relationship but not committment. We tell eachother we love eachother we are together when he is able to come, and we act as though we are together because neither of us are able to be with someone else and every time i tell him there someone else he gets really jeolous but he allows me to have a boyfriend but he told me that when i do to remember thet he will always love.

 

 

the problem is this i don't know what to do because even though he loves me so much we can't be together and I always wonder to myself that if we will ever be. So my question is this should i forget this guy or what should i do? because there is also something else that bothers me when he comes to the country hi rarly calls me becuase he says he does love me but that he doesn't want things to be too serious becuase he doesn';t want to get to attached to me when his here becuase it will hurt him more when he goes back, should i believe when he says all those things or are they just lies?

 

 

I really love him, i can't imagine my self with somebody else and i've always believed that is the one for me because after 2 years we are still together and stronger than ever but in the other hand and don't know if he'll ever come back to the country and we are able to be together.

[Nina]

On the one hand you ask for help, but I see in your post that regardless of what others will tell you, you are determined to maintain this. That's fine, in the end it is your choice.

 

Regardless of that, I feel the urge to be frank and honest with you. A relationship is something wonderful, and should be maintained as long as the involved parties feel satisfied. Being involved with someone isn't just about communicating with them. If you are in a real relationship, it involves intimacy and effort from both parties.

 

So. Two years have passed without any committment. You are a very trusting person. In some ways, it's nice to think that this man is being faithful to the idea of you in his head, but is it realistic to think that? Women often make the mistake of assuming that men think like them. This is completely false. Men think of sex and love as two separate things.

 

If I were you, I would move on. To assume that he isn't having any other relationships is naieve...he's in college, in another country. He can have a relationship without telling you. And all he has to do is talk to you on the phone and icq and you're available for him whenever he comes home. What kind of arrangement is that? I mean, it looks realy bad on your side, because you are living your life waiting for him.

 

There are five different dimensions to a relaitonship:

 

1. Frequency of contact

 

2. Duration of contact

 

3. Diversity of interactions

 

4. Direction of influence

 

5. Strength of influence

 

An intimate relationship involves:

 

1. Frequent face-to-face contact

 

2. Long duration of contact

 

3. High diversity of interactions (that means you do a lot of different things together)

 

4. An even distribution of direction of influence (that means you have similar levels of involvement)

 

5. Strong influence on one another