moment Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 I'm new to this board but very happy to have found it. I know what the right decision is in my situation but I guess I just need some moral support! Five years ago a friend of mine made me aquainted with a man who had been separated from his wife for a year but had just returned to her. He had jumped into a bad relationship and it seemed that it scared him and he went back home in desperation. My husband had just left me and we were legally separated and later divorced. There was an instant chemistry between the two of us but we never acted on it in any way. We have similar interests and there is definitely attraction but we both like to think of ourselves as "good" people and we did not cross any lines and were never alone together. We see each other during work situations about once a month for a few hours and the attraction has never died away. I'm single and have been now for 4 years. He is in the marriage and gives the typical responses about how unhappy he is but he was brought up to not divorce and he doesn't want all of "their" friends to hate him. They have just started marriage counseling,,,so I hope that helps them to clarify their issues. They have no children either. Up until three weeks ago he had never crossed any lines, but on this occasion we were alone briefly and he pulled me to him and kissed me. I pulled away and told him that he shouldn't do that and he immediately apologized and we decided that we should definitely stay away from one another until he can get his life straightened out. I don't want to be a part of his problems and he doesn't want me involved in it either. In the event that they got divorced he would want to start fresh with me and see where things go. I guess my question to you all is what is the best way to get over this feeling of being "lovesick". I can't quit thinking about him and I need some strategies to help me cope with this loss/indecision. I know that if he were ever single that we would get together but I refuse to be part of this mess until then. Thanks for letting me vent my feelings...it really helps to get it out there. Moment Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 There's a saying; 'the best way to get over a man is ...' oops , well it means that the cure for a case of being hooked on one man is to find another one. Your best bet might be to actively try to find someone else. I know, not easily done but it might solve your problem if you could do it. And congratulations to you for managing to keep away from an affair despite your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moment Posted October 6, 2003 Author Share Posted October 6, 2003 Thank you for the encouragement. I think the best thing that I can do right now is continue on the path I've been on. I returned to the University a year ago to complete my degree and I'll graduate in May. It may be 10 years later than I planned but I'm very proud of myself!! I'm very busy and that helps a great deal but when you lay down at night....that's when the thoughts hit you. I'm going to be strong though, I have to be for myself. Moment Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Moment, you sound like a decent person with a head on your shoulders. First of all, I must ask you........do you really, truly, deep in your heart want to heal from this and move on? If the answer to that is yes, then here's how you do it. Break ALL contact with him. No phone calls, no visits, no meetings, no emails, nothing. The more you see him, the more you'll hurt. You'll never meet a single, available man as long as your heart is tied to this guy. If his feelings for you were sincere, he would be with you, but he's not. He's with his wife. That speak volumes, regardless of a kiss and regardless of the words he speaks. Actions will always speak louder. If you do as I've suggested and break all contact, time will heal your heart. What have you really lost anyway? He was never yours to begin with. Concentrate on your school, make new friends, join a gym, etc. and this will help take your mind off of him. I've found that reading self improvement books has been very beneficial for me. Please make a wise choice for yourself and resolve to hold out for a man who will love you completely. Don't settle for the table scraps of another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moment Posted October 6, 2003 Author Share Posted October 6, 2003 Yes, you are right and I know that in my heart. We do not converse by phone or email. The only contact we have is once a month to do business for a few hours. I don't think there is anything I can do about that but I'm sure I can ensure that others are around at all times and that I have as little contact with him as possible while he is there. He is very reasonable and I don't think he'll push the issue. I thank you all for the encouragement,,and yes I do want to stop feeling this way. I know that time heals all wounds. It took me a very long time to heal from my divorce but even that great rift found it's way back together within my heart. I guess that this too will pass. I may have to call on you guys for support from time to time though!! thanks again, Moment Link to post Share on other sites
liz2003nyc Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 I was involved with a married man on and off for 3 1/2 years. We work in the same place. I ended the affair in February. I never in my life would have thought that I could get myself into this situation. I see him maybe 3 times a month now. I notice when he is not lurking around I am fine. When I see him, it still brings up a lot of feelings. But I have to say that it is getting better and easier everytime I see him. There is something really intense about being in love with someone who is married. But I truly believe that the intensity and excitement of the affair did not outway the pain that I felt both during and after I ended the relationship. Things were fine when I was with him, but when I left I was constantly worrying about the situation. Beating and berating myself for being the other woman. Feeling sleazy and 2nd class. At one point when we were out to dinner, I choked on a piece of lamb and thought I was going to die. I found this very symbolic of my feelings of being repressed and smothered by the relationship. Things always had to be done on his terms. I could never quite be myself. I got a lot out of this relationship - believe it or not. But it was not worth the pain, anxiety & shame that I felt around it. Now I am constantly on guard when he comes around. I worry that if I don't get into something else quickly - he will sneak back into my life again. It has happened 3 times before. I really want to be with someone who is there for me 100% - so I am trying really, really hard to stay away from him. I dated someone else for about 3 months - it didn't work out, but when I was with this other guy I noticed that I wasn't thinking about the married man much. At this point I believe it is mind over matter. Congratulations on staying away from your married man Moment. If you can take it from me and find someone who is more available to you. It's just not worth the pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moment Posted October 25, 2003 Author Share Posted October 25, 2003 Thank you so much for offering your support and your story. I have to admit that it is very comforting to read the experiences of others. Sometimes I think we feel very alone in our situations. I'm doing well so far! No contact and I've been so busy that I haven't had much time to dwell on it. You guys have been quite a support and I thank you for that.. yours, Moment Link to post Share on other sites
Fancy Posted October 25, 2003 Share Posted October 25, 2003 Good for you!!! Way to go! No contact is the very best option for you right now. Keeping busy will allow time to pass and heal your heart. Please post as often as you need to. There's not one of us here who hasn't been through a heatbreak. We're here for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Stangel311 Posted November 10, 2003 Share Posted November 10, 2003 I came to this site for encouragement myself. I am not sure if I was seeking enncouragement to end the affair or to hang in there. I have been in love with him for a year. We have been lovers for just a month. We are also a biracial couple. He has a young daughter at home who is his number one concern as she should be. Deep down inside my heart, I know its a no win situation for me. The guilt is there but the love is stronger. I just pray for strength to do the right thing. I am so weak when it comes to him. I have made him the focus of my life (God help me). Its like an addiction. Wish there was a rehab for this lol. Good luck to you in your decision to end the affair. As for me, I am a coward. Link to post Share on other sites
beenthere2 Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 Dear Moment, I wish my husband had been attracted to a lady like you(irony)...one with a conscience. I am so glad that you did not follow through with it. I can tell you from experience that what this man is telling you about his family life could very well be a total lie. My husband cheated a year ago and it has torn our family apart. Our children have suffered the most. Everyone thought he was an "ideal" husband and father and still do. I have to hear daily how much people think of his character and really knowing the truth. I am not naive and know that people can be physically attracted to others...DUH...but spouses make promises to each other that they will not act on them. My husband is certainly not blameless, but neither is the other woman. What she helped to achieve by her actions has turned our lives upside down and I am glad to hear that there are women out there who think more of themselves than to do what she did to myself and our children. May God bless your life...and always remember...if he did this to her, there is a likely chance he would do it to you once the "new" wore off. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted November 18, 2003 Share Posted November 18, 2003 Actually, what Moimeme posted is absolutely correct. Fill the void with dating other guys. Don't try to replace him....just indulge in the diversion. It sounds like a simple solution....but it works. Having an affair with a Married Man is like dooming your heart to the roller coaster of emotions from hell. Each situation APPEARS to be unique and special.....but the end result is pretty much the same. No matter HOW miserable you are NOW.....it is NOTHING compared to what you will be feeling EVENTUALLY! If you don't believe me.....read some of the Other Woman posts on here. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. Nuff said.... Link to post Share on other sites
Tornapart Posted November 23, 2003 Share Posted November 23, 2003 Moment, Reading your story was like reading my own. Only its not just him that is married. I am married too. I know exactly what you are going through. I would never do anything to harm my husband or family. And I would never get romantically involved with someone elses husband. But even without acting on the feelings, the emotions we feel are still there! And when you are in love, of course your instinct is to nurture that love. But our morals will never allow that to happen. So we are stuck in a cruel limbo and our hearts ache in silence. I don't know what to do about it either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author moment Posted November 24, 2003 Author Share Posted November 24, 2003 Dear Tornapart, I can still sympathize with you and feel free to send me a private message if you need to. My struggle is not an easy one and I still have very strong feelings for this man. I had hoped they would lesson over these weeks but they haven't and he still occupies a great deal of my thoughts. It is a cruel place to be when you are in love but can't act upon those feelings. You are not alone. My best, Moment Link to post Share on other sites
wannabefree Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 Originally posted by Stangel311 Deep down inside my heart, I know its a no win situation for me. The guilt is there but the love is stronger. I just pray for strength to do the right thing. I am so weak when it comes to him. I have made him the focus of my life (God help me). Its like an addiction. Wish there was a rehab for this lol. Good luck to you in your decision to end the affair. As for me, I am a coward. Dear Stangel311, i am in the exact situation as you. married and in love with another married man. we have been together for 2 years now. it has been horrible ...... he left me 3 months after we started our affair, but came back 3 months later asking me to work with him. as for the personal relationship between us, he wanted us to be just good friends instead of lovers like before. of course i can't. i still love him. we ended up resuming our physical intimacy. i, like you, have made him the focus of my life. everything revolves around him. all i want to do is to be with him. i would rather be late for my appointments just to stay a while longer with him. it is an addiction itself. and i'm also unwilling to end this affair. it's not that i'm hoping anything can come out of it. i know it wont. he has said it many times and still saying, if he ever leaves his family, he will not ask me to leave my husband and be with him. he will enjoy his new life, one of total freedom. he said he does not want to have any strong feelings for anyone else and just want to live life on his own terms. he even said he might end up dying as a lonely old man, but he would rather be like that or marry a young wife to take care of him, like all the rich old dirty men. on one hand i tell myself he is not worthy of my love, but on the other hand, i just go weak in the knees, head and heart when i see him. i, like you, also a coward. sometimes i wish i have the courage to just walk away from him but the thought of the possibility that he may not ask me back makes me the coward. Link to post Share on other sites
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