Can I save this? Why am I afraid?

[Inspector71]

Last May, I left my husband. We'd been married a little over a year. He was very emotionally abusive. Everytime we would argue and it wouldn't go his way, he would just kick me out. I finally left when he told me he didn't love me and kicked me out the last time.

 

Since then, we've been working on it. He lives in south Florida, and I've been travelling from Missouri to see him. The visit starts out fine, but when I start to talk about issues, it ends badly. The first several times he asked me to leave. Then he'd ask me to come back, and I'd go visit again. The last time I went to visit, I went through his credit card statement (I know, not the best thing to do, but I had my suspicions), and he'd been lying to me about purchasing alcohol. He's not an alcoholic by any means, but I felt insecure about him drinking at all since he lied to me about it in the past (even lightly). It's a sticky point for me without going into too much detail. Then I also caught that he had been renting pornography during out seperation, and I found out that he lied to me about how much. When I confronted him about these things is when it got ugly. I came home with every intention on getting a divorce. But, several weeks ago he sent me a card and started calling, telling me how much he loved me and how much he really wanted us to work out. We talked about how we will handle things differently. His main issue was that I confront him about things in the wrong time or place, so we agreed that we will set aside one day a week to talk about our relationship and the problems. He agreed that he can't kick me out of our home even if he does pay for everything, because I need stability in my life. And we've both agreed to not resort to insults when we are having arguments.

 

I know I have my shortcomings as well. I need to ease up on the insecurity about him drinking- it's an old issue that outdates our relationship. Since the one time over two years ago he lied to me about getting drunk with female co-workers (nothing happened- he called me as soon as he got back to his hotel and talked to me most of the night, into the middle of the night), he has not had more than two drinks at one time. In two years! I know he wants to make me happy, so I have tried to ease up when he wants to enjoy one or two when I'm not around. I also know that I need to not be so confrontational- I don't bottle things well and bring up things whenever they bother me instead of in a calm, rational environment. I once confronted him during a party in his honor at our professional conference- not cool. So I'm working on being more in control of my emotions. I'm also trying to have higher self-esteem- losing the extra weight I have, etc. I'm overly jealous of a man who has never and would never cheat on me...so being as jealous as I am doesn't make sense- asking him about every woman, and if he thinks she's prettier than me. I think I have a lot of insecurity over the way he's treated me in the past (constant put-downs), but if we're going to be better people, then I need to let the past stay in the past.

 

The last several weeks have been wonderful. We have been able to have two heated discussions- about big topics, having a baby and finances- without it turning to insults or emotional abuse. I know he loves me, and he's committed to being better. He just does not handle criticism well at all- he's narcissitic to a point, and super successful- he gets REALLY defensive when I express something I don't like or am uncomfortable with. I told him that I can't bottle everything up, and made him promise to give me the freedom to express myself as long as I bring it up rationally and in the proper time/place. No one is perfect, and he needs to understand that I need a say when things are wrong or I'm uncomfortable with something.

 

I'm just scared to death. I'm supposed to go back this week to him (a one way plane ticket this time), but the stress is eating me alive. I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Sometimes I think that I want it to work so bad that I'm scared it won't. I know things won't be perfect when I go back, but I'm so frightened they'll go back to how they were. I'm supposed to start graduate school at the same college he's the dean of. We're in the same field. If I go, and start grad school, and it's not working...I'll never be able to get into another program. My future hangs on this working out.

 

Any words of wisdom? (We are not religious, by the way.) And please, don't suggest conseling- my husband WILL NOT go to counseling. He's a Ph.D. in social science and has literally wrote the book on marriage (it's published- a book on communication in relationships). He knows already his behavior toward me is wrong, and doesn't want to hear it from other people. He wants to work through this on our own, and there is no convincing him otherwise. I know that I will be going to counseling on my own to work through my insecurity and get past the things that he said to me out of anger in the past. I want a true fresh start, and he wants to treat me like a princess. He wants to be the best man for me.

 

Is that enough?

[whichwayisup]

He has to do counselling so he can get the help to change.. Unless he's willing to do alot of soul searching and learn techniques on how to control his anger and other bad habits, it's going to be really hard for you and him to make this work.

 

He says he wants to treat you like a princess and be the best man for you, let his actions NOT his words, show you he does truly mean what he's saying.

 

Do you want this marriage? Do you love him enough to give him another chance to make things better? If not, then maybe it's best to walk away now as not like years and years have gone by and you both have tons invested in eachother.

 

Definately continue counselling and see how you feel.

[TrustInYourself]

Who cares what his profession is. He is incapable of seeing outside himself, regardless of his own knowledge and profession.

 

The very fact that he's too insecure to see a professional, says a ton about his pride and ego. He can't address his own shortcomings? You can't address problems with him because of timing? That's ridiculous.

 

Your approach to the problems in your marriage doesn't seem to be working. Change your approach. Communicate with him and come to an understanding of both of your expectations of a loving relationship.

 

You expect him to stop with the porn, alchohol, and abuse. That should be clearly defined. Can he do it? If not, what are you willing to do to compromise? What can you do to address this as a married couple?

 

Are there consequences for his actions? Right now, you're just taking extended vacations from one another. There are no real consequences. What happens when it all falls apart? You take a break and then you get back together for the next cycle of drama. Break the cycle through changing your reactions.

 

Work out a solution/achievement/results based plan of action. What works?

[Edna07]

Your husband sounds a lot like mine.

 

My husband did not realize that he even had anger issues (he still does not admit he is emotionally abusive) until we went to marriage counseling. They need help to keep their anger in check.

 

He is also lying. About alcohol and porn. Is that acceptable to you? To be with a liar? Can you REALLY trust him?

 

I will tell you this. DO NOT have a baby with him right now. Please. Do not. If you guys can work things out and you're feeling secure in your relationship down the road, then talk about it, but don't do it right now. It's so much harder when you're in a relationship with an angry, emotional abusive liar and you have kids.

[climbergirl]

His rationale for not going to counselling is ridiculous. That's like saying a surgeon should operate on his own family. There is a reason they discourage that.

 

But this is why I think you're afraid...you're gut is telling you it won't change unless he's proactive with his own issues. You may now be looking at what he does rather than what he says. And I think it's wise to just look at actions given past history. Will he at least concurr that he needs to go to anger management classes?

 

Been here, done this. IME, the dynamics of your relationship will always be like this unless he can own up to his part...and that doesn't mean just saying he owns up. That's bulls**t. I think at this point he needs to show he's committed to you and your relationship by putting some action behind it. If he doesn't...you have your answer.

 

You're owning your part and doing something about it, so why should you expect any less from him?

[zeppygigs]

has he read his own book yet? Alcohol and anger should be chapter 1 and chapter 2. He sounds abusive and you seem to know how to "push his buttons". If you think you can live the rest of your life this way, I say go for it. I believe people don't change, some just hide the truth better than others. The truth always comes out to haunt you.