Can we ever go back to friends?

[sigh]

I apologize in advanced, but this may be a little long. Any advice, thoughts or opinions are appreciated.

We weren't great friends, but friends. We talked once a month or so.We have a lot in common, make each other laugh constantly when around each other and were just very in sync. Until we got intimate. We were initmate 4 times over a 5 day period. During those days, when we weren't together we talked and texted constantly and he was discussing things like he expected me to be around for a while (i.e. things that he needed to keep in his house for me, making plans to do things in the future together). He told me I was everything he was looking for and was acting excited. He was so attentive and caring and it really swept me away. He at that point, out of nowhere, told me he wasn't looking for anything serious. Then he just stopped calling after. He would always respond when I contacted him, but he never initiated anymore. He was badly hurt by a relationship not to long ago, so maybe that had something to do with this, but I will never know.

We ran into each other 2 weeks later at a bar, at which point he was telling mutual friends how much fun I was to be around. That night we ended up making out, but he didn't want to take it any further then that.

He called me a few weeks later (we had been texting every few days throughout) and we had a fun conversation. I ran into him again that weekend and he was very sweet in the beginning, making sure there was someone to drive me home ( I was a little intoxicated) and watching me from a slight distance. Then I started talking to a guy and he just left at that point.

He ignored me for a while after, then I called him and left a voice message telling him I knew he wasn't looking for anything serious, I was, so could we just go back to being friends? He replied that we could and that he was sorry for ignoring me.

He never tried to have sex with me again, even before I told him I wasn't interested in a FWB situation, but when we see each other in public (because he never wants to hang out with me), he is touchy feely.

My question is, can we be friends? Does he even seem to want to be friends? I just have no idea what happened here but I do know that I don't want to lose him completely but I don't want to be putting in an effort and looking like an idiot.

Thank you for reading my long rant

[WTRanger]

I think you can eventually go back to being friends, but it will take a long period of time. Being intimate with a friend changes all sorts of dynamics. A few years back I had a similar situation with a college FWB, and to this day I say FWB's never work out, because in the end one party (in this case me) ends up feeling sort of attached to the other person. It got weird between us when we weren't at a bar. When we were drunk, hell, it was a blast but the next morning was again awkward.

 

I say you can go back to being close friends becuase myslef and this person are on very good friend terms, but we last were intimate over 5 years ago. We didn't go 100% no contact but we did have to slow things way down and really try not to see eachother especially when we were drinking. Obviously if we ran into eachother we'd talk and be civil and maybe chat here and there online. As time grew on and we become more comfortable at the idea of friends without sex, we grew much closer as just friends. In fact the feelings subsided so much that I was able to attend her wedding with no guilt, hopeless feelings, lost love, etc. I was geniunely happy for her having found a man who cared for her as much as I did. Plus, since I was on super good close terms with the bride, it made bagging a bridesmaid that much easier!

 

So just give it time, be mature about it, talk when you need to but also take some time apart to figure things out. The key, be mature. If the other person doesn't want to be mature, then cut them out. Remember you can only controls what goes on inside your skin, anything outside of your skin is beyond your control. I wish you the best of luck.

[sigh]

I think you can eventually go back to being friends, but it will take a long period of time. Being intimate with a friend changes all sorts of dynamics. A few years back I had a similar situation with a college FWB, and to this day I say FWB's never work out, because in the end one party (in this case me) ends up feeling sort of attached to the other person. It got weird between us when we weren't at a bar. When we were drunk, hell, it was a blast but the next morning was again awkward.

 

I say you can go back to being close friends becuase myslef and this person are on very good friend terms, but we last were intimate over 5 years ago. We didn't go 100% no contact but we did have to slow things way down and really try not to see eachother especially when we were drinking. Obviously if we ran into eachother we'd talk and be civil and maybe chat here and there online. As time grew on and we become more comfortable at the idea of friends without sex, we grew much closer as just friends. In fact the feelings subsided so much that I was able to attend her wedding with no guilt, hopeless feelings, lost love, etc. I was geniunely happy for her having found a man who cared for her as much as I did. Plus, since I was on super good close terms with the bride, it made bagging a bridesmaid that much easier!

 

So just give it time, be mature about it, talk when you need to but also take some time apart to figure things out. The key, be mature. If the other person doesn't want to be mature, then cut them out. Remember you can only controls what goes on inside your skin, anything outside of your skin is beyond your control. I wish you the best of luck.

 

Thank you

I just get this vibe like he is angry at me sometimes.

He is always very affectionate when we run into each other, but he never wants to just hang out anymore and it's always a crap shoot as to whether he will ignore my contact or not now.

The only reason I even slept with him in the first place was because jje was acting like he wanted more......

[popey]

I think I understand what you mean. You want to have his friendship, and are willing to make an effort to that end provided that it is his wish as well. If I have that correct, then I offer this...

 

Relationships should be give and take. If he does not make an effort to have a friendship then, IMO, its not a positive thing to put your efforts into. It doesn't much matter if it is b/c he doesn't want to, or can't, or has some hang up causing it. Whatever the reason, if he only pays you mind, when you happen to be in the same place, or you contact him... that's what he has to offer you right now.

 

If you can have that level of friendship, and take it for what it is right now, ok. If not, maybe you shouldn't invest in it.

[sigh]

I think I understand what you mean. You want to have his friendship, and are willing to make an effort to that end provided that it is his wish as well. If I have that correct, then I offer this...

 

Relationships should be give and take. If he does not make an effort to have a friendship then, IMO, its not a positive thing to put your efforts into. It doesn't much matter if it is b/c he doesn't want to, or can't, or has some hang up causing it. Whatever the reason, if he only pays you mind, when you happen to be in the same place, or you contact him... that's what he has to offer you right now.

 

If you can have that level of friendship, and take it for what it is right now, ok. If not, maybe you shouldn't invest in it.

 

That's exactly what it is. I don't want to put effort into something that he doesn't want as well, if he is just claiming it's what he wants because he doesn't want to look like a bad guy.

I'm not going to lie, I am confused and hurt as to why he wouldn't want to be friends anymore and wonder if I did or said something.

[popey]

I know what you mean. It is naturaly to want to know, but think about it. If someone you liked did something to upset you, would you say nothing about it, but then be toucy fealy w/ them when they came around? showing off your attention to him around others, but then quietly harbor anger and refuse to seek their friendship?

 

whatever his mindset is, if he doesn't tell you something's bothering him, and he doesn't make the effort that you expect a friend to make... then you know where you stand. Maybe he likes you, but he's got hang ups. Maybe he's a total ass who is using you for his own narcistic attention needs. Doesn't matter really, because if he can't/won't reciprocate; your efforts are probably better invested elsewhere. There are plenty of potential friends in the world. From experience.... time better spent looking to meet them, then trying to find out how you can "correct" your grievences with ones who don't seem so inspired.

[xenomaniac]

I'm in a similar position, so I sympathize. Getting intimate early with a "friend" isn't generally my MO, but in this instance, it "felt right" and like the logical next step in what seemed to be a romantic relationship on the cusp of taking off. Instead, it very well nearly killed that potential, or at least, seriously complicated it. If we'd held off a few more dates, perhaps our deceptively promising "launch" as a new couple would have been prolonged, but sooner or later we would have faced the same demons. I just resent the mixed signals people send that lead to these sort of situations at all. Don't start what you can't finish.

[sigh]

I'm in a similar position, so I sympathize. Getting intimate early with a "friend" isn't generally my MO, but in this instance, it "felt right" and like the logical next step in what seemed to be a romantic relationship on the cusp of taking off. Instead, it very well nearly killed that potential, or at least, seriously complicated it. If we'd held off a few more dates, perhaps our deceptively promising "launch" as a new couple would have been prolonged, but sooner or later we would have faced the same demons. I just resent the mixed signals people send that lead to these sort of situations at all. Don't start what you can't finish.

 

I just read your thread and our situations are very similar.

Wouldn't life be so much easier if we could read minds?

I would love to know what has changed in him that he no longer wants a friendship......

[xenomaniac]

Yup, it's literally like we are talking about the same guy. Maybe we are? LOL

Oh, and in regards to whether he will respond to texts/emails/etc these days: like your case, it's a crapshoot. Initially, he always did: in fact, he made it a priority.

I just don't get how someone can seem soooo interested and then become soooo distant. But they still seem to notice everything about you: it's obvious we aren't being totally ignored. At the end of the day, it seems some part of them is eager & willing, but something is holding "our" men back. They are hiding feelings they don't know how to deal with. Honestly, if they just wanted us for sex, it wouldn't be this complicated. They are conflicted and they know they led us on. They know that we know, etc. How do you begin again from there? At least in my case, my guy offered a partial explanation ( his ex issues), but it still doesn't explain why he started a journey with me he can't seem to complete. Or why he persists in his occasional pursuit of me even after he tells me he has no feelings for anyone.

[sigh]

Yup, it's literally like we are talking about the same guy. Maybe we are? LOL

Oh, and in regards to whether he will respond to texts/emails/etc these days: like your case, it's a crapshoot. Initially, he always did: in fact, he made it a priority.

I just don't get how someone can seem soooo interested and then become soooo distant. But they still seem to notice everything about you: it's obvious we aren't being totally ignored. At the end of the day, it seems some part of them is eager & willing, but something is holding "our" men back. They are hiding feelings they don't know how to deal with. Honestly, if they just wanted us for sex, it wouldn't be this complicated. They are conflicted and they know they led us on. They know that we know, etc. How do you begin again from there? At least in my case, my guy offered a partial explanation ( his ex issues), but it still doesn't explain why he started a journey with me he can't seem to complete. Or why he persists in his occasional pursuit of me even after he tells me he has no feelings for anyone.

 

LOL, maybe it is the same guy!!

I'm pretty sure he doesn't just want me for sex because he had a few opportunities and didn't take them. He actually ended the sexual aspect of things before I even had a chance to realize what was going on.

He has made it quite clear that he isn't looking for anything serious, I get that, so then why can't he go back to friends? All of this confusion with his behaviour is making me analyze everything, which I never normally do. He's been responding to texts pretty regularly now, but he will only respond to a few then cut it off. Weird

[xenomaniac]

Has he ever texted you first, and then you reply and he doesn't follow up? That's been happening to me a lot with him lately. I really don't know what to make of that...

 

Wouldn't it be nice if men & women didn't play these games with each other? ARGH

[sigh]

Has he ever texted you first, and then you reply and he doesn't follow up? That's been happening to me a lot with him lately. I really don't know what to make of that...

 

Wouldn't it be nice if men & women didn't play these games with each other? ARGH

 

 

Can't say I've encountered that one yet. He hasn't texted me on his own for a few weeks and when he does, he will follow through with the conversation. In fact, if I don't respond to him fast enough, he will send another one.

Does the guy your dealing with's demeanor vary? Like one time he'll be bubbly and nice and then the next just kinda ugh?

[xenomaniac]

God, yes! Extremely so. Even to his guy friends...he'll suddenly just get up and leave a discussion and stand alone. It's quite odd. Let's just say Katy Perry's "Hot 'N Cold" fits him to a T. HAHA. Do you have any mutual friends that you could maybe use as emissaries? Find out what he says about you when you aren't around? Also, see if you can hang out with him in a group (but not too big of a group, because then he can get away with ignoring you). I'm thinking of hanging out with my guy with some of our group of friends when he comes back from Europe later this month. In that context, our men in question can only keep things platonic and casual with us and if it goes smoothly, some of the awkward tension should disappear and the path towards a genuine friendship (NSA) should be restored.

 

Here's the catch: if he DOES have residual feelings for you (and I suspect he does, like mine seems to), regardless of context, he will find it hard to be your friend right now because his perception of you is forever altered. He wants something more, but he won't deliver on his end of the deal. Yet, he can't just erase sleeping with you from his mind right now and see you casually anymore. I guarantee if you showed up with another guy, he'd be bothered by it. He's avoiding you because he feels supremely awkward around you and he knows it's his fault that things even got this way. He pursued you! Here's a question: have your OWN feelings for this guy gone back to strictly platonic? Because I know that in my case, they definitely haven't.

[sigh]

God, yes! Extremely so. Even to his guy friends...he'll suddenly just get up and leave a discussion and stand alone. It's quite odd. Let's just say Katy Perry's "Hot 'N Cold" fits him to a T. HAHA. Do you have any mutual friends that you could maybe use as emissaries? Find out what he says about you when you aren't around? Also, see if you can hang out with him in a group (but not too big of a group, because then he can get away with ignoring you). I'm thinking of hanging out with my guy with some of our group of friends when he comes back from Europe later this month. In that context, our men in question can only keep things platonic and casual with us and if it goes smoothly, some of the awkward tension should disappear and the path towards a genuine friendship (NSA) should be restored.

 

Here's the catch: if he DOES have residual feelings for you (and I suspect he does, like mine seems to), regardless of context, he will find it hard to be your friend right now because his perception of you is forever altered. He wants something more, but he won't deliver on his end of the deal. Yet, he can't just erase sleeping with you from his mind right now and see you casually anymore. I guarantee if you showed up with another guy, he'd be bothered by it. He's avoiding you because he feels supremely awkward around you and he knows it's his fault that things even got this way. He pursued you! Here's a question: have your OWN feelings for this guy gone back to strictly platonic? Because I know that in my case, they definitely haven't.

 

He definitely did all of the pursuing.

There's so much more that I can't post on here because it's a public forum and it would make me a little uncomfortable.

Our mutual friends are all men and do not want to get involved and I don't want to ask them to.

My feelings for him run both ways. My goal is strictly platonic friends though because what I like the most about him is his personality and hanging out with him, which is friendship.

What I can't figure out is if he feels awkward and doesn't want to be friends, why not just let it go and ignore me a few times like he started to about a month ago and let it go.

[sigh]

I saw him in a bar yesterday.

Haven't had any contact with him in 3 weeks.

He was very affectionate and excited to show me his new car.

I started talking to a guy during the evening and while I was doing so he came up and started kissing my neck and put his arms around me.

When I asked him what the h*ll he was doing he blamed alcohol.

What does this guy want from me??!!! I stopped contacting him and let it all go completely.

[leapy]

I realise that this was a week or two ago but I think I have some advice.

 

This has turned into something of a guessing game for both of you. The air needs to be cleared. Call him, go to his house, whatever but you NEED to talk to him about this.

 

He obviously has some feelings for you, and you for him. When he saw you talking to another guy he started AMOGing him (Alpha Male Other Guy). This suitation is confusing for both of you.

 

Lay it all out on the table, if you want to have a propper relationship with him, tell him so. If you are happy with a FWB deal then tell him that, but tell him and get an answer back. You can't really continue without knowing what the other person wants. If he wants to be friends then you have to move on.

 

This is NOT the time for headgames

[sigh]

I realise that this was a week or two ago but I think I have some advice.

 

This has turned into something of a guessing game for both of you. The air needs to be cleared. Call him, go to his house, whatever but you NEED to talk to him about this.

 

He obviously has some feelings for you, and you for him. When he saw you talking to another guy he started AMOGing him (Alpha Male Other Guy). This suitation is confusing for both of you.

 

Lay it all out on the table, if you want to have a propper relationship with him, tell him so. If you are happy with a FWB deal then tell him that, but tell him and get an answer back. You can't really continue without knowing what the other person wants. If he wants to be friends then you have to move on.

 

This is NOT the time for headgames

 

Thank you for your advice.

I texted him this morning and his responses were cold and uninterested.

He's already told me that he is not looking for a relationship and I am not looking for FWB. He even stopped the FWB situation before I even realized I wasn't looking for it.

I feel like he is just playing mind games now, but I don't know why.

[Gypsie]

This sounds like the last guy I was seeing. We were friends first when we met a couple of months ago. Hung out with the same crowd.

 

I was getting hints off everyone that he really liked me. He's mates, my mates. He was also the one that did all the perusing. Around 2 months it took me to come around and say "yes." There was lots of emailing and texting in between. After a couple of dates and sleepovers he ends up getting all distant with me, no more emails, longer waits for him to text me back. I knew something was different.

 

Spoke to him again, found out he still likes me, but doesn't feel the same as he did before. I felt a little taken back and hurt by that, it felt like he had led me on the whole time. Especially after all that effort he went to, I was starting to really like him. Still do.

 

He liked me enough to suggest FWB though. We tried that for like a week, but knew it had to stop, I never really wanted it to go that way at all, he ended it knowing that I didn't want FWB, saying that it wasn't fair on me. This all happened last week.

 

The thing is, we both still like and are into eachother. He admitted it after he ended it that he still liked me. Haven't seen or heard from him since but. For now, I am assuming that it's over, (trying not to contact him at all too) but worried about how things are gonna be when we all hang out again in a group. The awkwardness and unresolved feelings. He knows I still have feelings there.

 

I suggest talking to him, that is what I am going to try and do next time I see him. Try talk, resolve our feelings and stay friends with him.