dreamlover Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I am new to this site. I have read a lot of posts here, I am surprised to see SO many posts on the category. --- Things like this do happen all the time. I also admire a lot of insightful posts. My story is no different from others, I am married and am the cheater. I had an A with a co-worker in the past two years. It ended a few months ago. I suffered terrible withdrawn depression, I struggled and survived. To be honest, it took time for me to realize how wrong and bad it was. I have always thought smart and logical people do not do stupid things. And I have always believed that I am smart, and I will not make stupid mistakes. --- . I am an intelligent professional woman, I have been successful in my study, my career. I followed my dream, my needs, my desire just the same way that I pursued my career. When the co-worker chased me, I realize I was attracted to him as well. I went along without questioning it. Lately I started see the “ugly”, “stupid” side of me, I analyzed the reasons that I cheated: 1. Never had respect to my husband the way he respected me 2. Believed I am smart enough to hide it from him 3. Do not know how much damage the A can cause 4. Sex desire not meet in my marriage 5. Desire of to be wanted and feel young and beautiful 6. The excitement 7. Curiosity to different culture ( the OM is from a different culture) I am writing here for confession, I have decided never confessed to my husband as I believe it make more damages to our lives. I am back to the real life now, working on my marriage, woke up from “grass is greener” dream. Will I ever cheat again? NO, no any relationship unless I am single again. I know better how to follow the moral standard rules in life. – other wise someone will get hurt --- badly. Truly admitting that I was wrong has helped me with the withdrawn depression, and helped me heal from the hurt. Thank you for reading! Link to post Share on other sites
NewSunrise Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 All it takes is for your xOM to spill the beans on your A to someone and that someone to another or someone who knows especially since you two work together. Before you know it, your A will surface to the light of day. It's just a matter of time. Alright, OWL...your turn... Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I am writing here for confession, I have decided never confessed to my husband as I believe it make more damages to our lives. If you don't tell, your marriage will never be good. You're smart. You know that. There is always this void/secret/wall between you and your husband. You will continue to make a fool out of him. You will continue to lie to him. You and this OM of yours will continue to share a secret that your H doesn't know. You'll continue to lie. You were a cheater and now, you choose and continue to be a liar to your own husband. If that's what you choose to do, your marriage will never be good. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 It is good you recognize there is no justification for cheating and that you rewrote the marriage to suit your needs. Here comes the but...But you can't build a new marriage on lies. It isn't fair to your H. He deserves the right to make the decision for himself if he wants to stay with you. You made the decision to cheat. You made the decision to hide it. You made the decision to never tell him. When does he get to make some decisions that affect his life? When does he get the respect he deserves? When does he get to be part of the couple making decisions that affect a marriage. Unfortunately, you may not have a choice about telling him. The truth tends to find it's way to the light. Just read some of the stories on here. And when it comes out, it is always worse than the here and now. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 If you don't respect your H and you can not be honest with him you should divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 You owe him the truth so he can decide if he wants to stay married to you, to give you a chance to prove yourself to him. It isn't fair that you went out and cheated on him for 2 years, then decided the grass isn't greener so you turned around and came back home to him. Whatever problems that are there in your marriage ARE still there. The insecurities you have within yourself, your unmet needs, your miscommunication with your husband are still there and need to be addressed. Only way to fix this is to tell him the truth. Imagine if he found out you cheated on him from someone else? Another gossipy co- worker or what if your coworker (or his spouse) tells your husband? What then? Your husband deserves a woman who will love him and focus on only him..Not cheat on him when the chips are down.. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 You need to tell him and let him know what was going on, your marriage will never recover if he doesnt know what's going on. Own it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 You are putting yourself in a very dangerous situation. Yes your H. should be spared the horrible visions, and pain of knowing that the person he took vows with, the person he trusts, the person he loves, has cheated on him, and given herself to another. He doesn't need to know. The question is can you go home night after night, look him in the eyes, knowing what you have done to him, and say everything is fine, everything is normal, I am your wonderful wife, I am here for you. If you can do this without the guilt festering in you, and consuming you, then fine, he doesn't need to know. But if ever finds out from an outside party that you have cheated on him, the storm that will hit your lives is like nothing any of you have experienced or will experience. The pain you will cause your H., is worse than anything you can even think of, up to and including suicide watches. You had better never get so drunk, that you talk without thinking, and you better hope no one you know knows of your indiscretion, and that the OM, knows no mutual freinds of yours, or no one that is likely to come into contact with your H.---You are going to live on hot coals for the rest of your life. I hope you know what you are doing, and realize what you have done. Link to post Share on other sites
AnthonyF Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Don't tell him, he doesn't need to know..... The pain would be too great. If he finds out you'll have to deal with the consequences. You've hurt him enough. If my spouse cheated, I'd rather not know. If she is a serial cheater and people are laughing behind my back I hope someone says something, but I'd be more then happy not to hear it from her. Link to post Share on other sites
65tr6 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Lately I started see the “ugly”, “stupid” side of me, I analyzed the reasons that I cheated: 1. Never had respect to my husband the way he respected me 2. Believed I am smart enough to hide it from him 3. Do not know how much damage the A can cause 4. Sex desire not meet in my marriage 5. Desire of to be wanted and feel young and beautiful 6. The excitement 7. Curiosity to different culture ( the OM is from a different culture) you missed one... You were never open and honest with your husband about your feelings. I would put that right one top of everything else you listed above. Do yourself and your husband a favor, confess everything tonight. Face to Face. He needs to know. Even if you want to divorce him. Link to post Share on other sites
65tr6 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I have decided never confessed to my husband as I believe it make more damages to our lives. short term yes..living hell to be precise. Long term, there is a chance that you could have great married life together. You say you are smart (I believe that) then make the smart move. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I have always thought smart and logical people do not do stupid things. And I have always believed that I am smart, and I will not make stupid mistakes. --- . I am an intelligent professional woman, I have been successful in my study, my career. Then you should be able to realize that, for the sake of getting this out of the way, cheating is NOT a mistake. You did it because you wanted to do it. Call it a stupid thing to do, or lousy character, but it was not a mistake. I followed my dream, my needs, my desire just the same way that I pursued my career. When the co-worker chased me, I realize I was attracted to him as well. I went along without questioning it. Lately I started see the “ugly”, “stupid” side of me, I analyzed the reasons that I cheated: 4. Sex desire not meet in my marriage What form did this take? No sex? Sex not as abundant as you would have liked? Sex got old because it wasn't with someone new? 5. Desire of to be wanted and feel young and beautiful Then you shouldn't have gotten married if you can't handle only having affection or loyalty from one man for the rest of your life. 6. The excitement Well isn't the desire of that excitement always going to be there? What would really change that you wouldn't want to jump another man's bones if he came on to you other than the fact that you know the damage such actions would bring? 7. Curiosity to different culture ( the OM is from a different culture) So what would you say if your husband, not knowing your culture, would say to you..."well, if thats the case, I feel I should be able to experience another culture, so I think I'm going to go out and find myself a Brazilian bombshell for a night" I am writing here for confession, I have decided never confessed to my husband as I believe it make more damages to our lives. so basically he is married to a cheater and doesn't know it. You will lie to him and keep him in the dark and rob him of information that would allow him to make decisions about his life. I feel for him. I am back to the real life now, working on my marriage, woke up from “grass is greener” dream. Will I ever cheat again? NO You can't say that. If you did it once you can do it again. If you were ever on business somewhere and a hot guy wanted to take you back to his room and you knew your husband would NEVER find out....you'd be all over it. I know better how to follow the moral standard rules in life. – other wise someone will get hurt --- badly. Truly admitting that I was wrong has helped me with the withdrawn depression, and helped me heal from the hurt. And your husband will forever be in the dark about how his wife really is.....and you got away with it! CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 short term yes..living hell to be precise. Long term, there is a chance that you could have great married life together. You say you are smart (I believe that) then make the smart move. I agree. This will be the big pink elephant that serves to push you further away from each other, not bring you closer. The underlying issues that caused you to cheat in the first place will never be examined in counseling or with each other. And statistically, with those needs of your's still unexamined and unmet by your husband, you remain a prime candidate for another AFFAIR down the road. Would you tell him then? After he has invested several more years into a relationship he has believed in and invested time and energy into? Is that fair to him? Was this fair to him? Or is it still all about you, you, you? Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Don't get me wrong: remorse and guilt is a great FIRST step in repairing a marriage. But it is only the beginning. As long as your shame and guilt are of more importance to you than the betrayal you inflicted daily on your husband for TWO YEARS, you still, on some level, STILL do not respect him enough to tell him the truth. That disrespect, unless addressed together with each other and a professional, I believe, will come back to rear it's ugly head. You still have a lot of work to do. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
lostsoulmate Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Dreamlover, I am where you are, I cheated. I have not told and will not. Don't let anyone guilt you into doing anything you don't want to. In my mind, if I tell him it only makes me feel better to get if off my chest. I am with you all the way! Good luck! (And we all have the right to think about what's best for "me"!) Link to post Share on other sites
LadyDi Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 It's up to you whether to tell. I find myself agreeing with you....I don't think I would tell. But I see all the other posters side on why you should. Tough call. Not sure what I would end up doing either. Good luck with your decision, it's got to be so hard for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Dreamlover, I am where you are, I cheated. I have not told and will not. Don't let anyone guilt you into doing anything you don't want to. Oh I don't think anyone here can guilt you, her, or anyone here into anything. people like you will always do what YOU want to do, its all about you, and if you can get away with it....then super! In my mind, if I tell him it only makes me feel better to get if off my chest. Again, I was left in the dark only to find out years later. She got away with it, and more than once. So after i ended up finding out...I felt like 8 years of my life were wasted. And I resent her for not having the tits to come clean in the first place. I am with you all the way! But of course you are...whatever helps her get away with it. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Dreamlover, I am where you are, I cheated. I have not told and will not. Don't let anyone guilt you into doing anything you don't want to. In my mind, if I tell him it only makes me feel better to get if off my chest. I am with you all the way! Good luck! (And we all have the right to think about what's best for "me"!) Of course you agree. It is still all about you and how you feel. H be damned. You are right it is only in your mind. Just like whatever you used to justify having the A. It was all in your mind. You haven't really changed your thoughts, so your actions won't change either. When you are dissatisfied enough, you will do it again. You will tell yourself that you got away with it once, why not? It is all about the azz covering for yourself, not building a real marriage on a firm foundation, but on a foundation of lies and deceit. Crappy foundations tend to crack and crumble. Link to post Share on other sites
AnthonyF Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Dreamlover, I am where you are, I cheated. I have not told and will not. Don't let anyone guilt you into doing anything you don't want to. In my mind, if I tell him it only makes me feel better to get if off my chest. I am with you all the way! Good luck! (And we all have the right to think about what's best for "me"!) Have read some very strong arguments as to why to "confess". Personally I agree it is the cheaters shame and one they should live with. The caveat is that you are only allowed one "transgression"/"Person" and it better not be years..... I'd rather not ever know unless it is multiple affairs or if told by a third party and denied, that it continues. Hopefully will never happen. Link to post Share on other sites
lostsoulmate Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Oh I don't think anyone here can guilt you, her, or anyone here into anything. people like you will always do what YOU want to do, its all about you, and if you can get away with it....then super! When you left your wife after she cheated, you did that for "you" right? Again, I was left in the dark only to find out years later. She got away with it, and more than once. So after i ended up finding out...I felt like 8 years of my life were wasted. And I resent her for not having the tits to come clean in the first place. She says she will never do it again. I have been cheated on and been the cheater, but thankfully I am not a cyntic and can still believe in and trust people (just not myself right now, which is OK). But of course you are...whatever helps her get away with it. She has already got away with it, ended it and is moving on with her life. I didn't help her make the mistake, but am willing to help her heal herself. Link to post Share on other sites
65tr6 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 The caveat is that you are only allowed one "transgression"/"Person" and it better not be years..... all the more reason to involve both spouses to prevent this from happening the second time - assuming that they still want to stay married together. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 When you left your wife after she cheated, you did that for "you" right? Nice try. She cheated. Otherwise everything I did up to that point was for my family and very little for me. She says she will never do it again. Ya, and she thought she'd never do it in the first place. She has already got away with it, ended it and is moving on with her life. I didn't help her make the mistake, but am willing to help her heal herself. Again, whatever helps her get away with it and keeps the unsuspecting husband in the dark and being played for a fool. Yes, she got away with it because she doesn't want to tell because she is a coward. You suggest she doesn't tell which is helping her make sure she is getting away with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamlover Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 Thank you all for your response. It is a tough call to 'tell' him or not. I know my H well enough. He will not be able to handle it. In fact, I tried a couple of times, he stopped me from open that conversation. I think he rather not know. It is not about "Me" to tell him or not. I am thinking about "Him" when I made the desicion. I agree, there might be some very bad personality flaw in me that caused me cheating. I am working on self analysis. -- almost soul - anatomy. The pain I experienced after the A ended has brought me to a deep soul searching. I am not offended by any of the harsh comments here. I need here what other people think. For those who suggest not to tell. thank you for your understanding anf support. For those who criticize me not to tell my H. I am sorry I just could not do it. You are right, I locked myself in a glass. I may never be able to communicate heart to heart to my H because of this. But I do not think by telling him will bring us any closer. I am just trying to do my best to get over all this and be happy with what I have. I may broke and tell him one day in the future if we can not work things out. I do not know at this point. But I know better about A now. there is nothing can bring me to that road. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Do you not think your H deserves HIS chance to decide whether or not he wants to remain married to you, based on the affair? You already made YOUR choice...but you're denying him even the opportunity to choose. Do you think that's fair to him? This applies to the OP and Lostsoulmate as well. Link to post Share on other sites
lostsoulmate Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Do you not think your H deserves HIS chance to decide whether or not he wants to remain married to you, based on the affair? You already made YOUR choice...but you're denying him even the opportunity to choose. Do you think that's fair to him? This applies to the OP and Lostsoulmate as well. All is fair in love and war! Was it fair that he treated/treats me the way he did/does? Again I say, "ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR!!" As a side note, I do believe in karma, so I know what awaits me. Hurt 3 fold. Link to post Share on other sites
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