Yes. It was Wrong

[Chrome Barracuda]

It is my personal opinion (remember mine only) that a WS owes there BS nothing.

 

Wow just f-ing wow.

 

if I ever heard that from any woman who cheated on me she would have been thrown on her A** head first. Why such defensiveness?

 

If she gets herpes from you and then you tell her no big deal get over it, are you gonna get mad if she exposes it to everyone you know you got the STD? and how you got it too?

 

Oh well get over it right?

[kaly6177]

I heard this same thing and I disagree with it.

 

If she cared one little bit about her husband from the start she would not of had the affair. Little late to play the think of someone else card.

 

Her husband is NOT the only one that gets to decided matters. They both have a say in the eventual outcome of the marriage. Yes have an affair you give up rights to your life, whatever.

 

Yes you are right, if she cared about her husband one bit she would not have had the affair. Is it too late to play the think of someone else card? I don't think so. I think she can, and should think about her husband and what he would want to do with the marriage.

 

And yes I do agree with you that her husband is not the only one that gets to decide what the eventual outcome of their marriage, but he should be given the decision whether he wants to stay or not.

 

I am not saying "have an affair, give up your life", what I am saying is that she should not be making the decision for her husband about the marriage. She at least needs to give him the opportunity to actually have a say.

[pkn06002]

if I ever heard that from any woman who cheated on me she would have been thrown on her A** head first. Why such defensiveness?

 

If she gets herpes from you and then you tell her no big deal get over it, are you gonna get mad if she exposes it to everyone you know you got the STD? and how you got it too?

 

Oh well get over it right?

 

I take it you got a STD????

 

Now that is a physical injury that is a different story. I thought we were still talking on the emotional level.

 

Defensive???? Not at all. But I owe no one anything, that is the type of thinking that lead me down the path I took in the first place. See my old posts and you will understand my thinking more.

 

kaly6177:

I will say you make the best argument for telling I have ever read. I will say if she wants to end the marriage she needs to confess and be done with it. If she wants to stay in the marriage get a professional opinion.

 

Isn't MC one of the first things everyone suggests? Why not on this subject?

[Chrome Barracuda]

No STD here!

 

But i will tell you this alot of women place emotional injury akin to psical injury no matter how you define it. If you was maybe a little compassionate to your spouse about the way you treat her mabe things would be different. With that mindset of you first all the time why should you remain married? Heck why should anyone?

 

Very selfish indeed. are you that old enough that you are set in your ways? an old dog that cannot learn new tricks is an indeed a cliche.

[pkn06002]

No STD here!

 

But i will tell you this alot of women place emotional injury akin to psical injury no matter how you define it. If you was maybe a little compassionate to your spouse about the way you treat her mabe things would be different. With that mindset of you first all the time why should you remain married? Heck why should anyone?

 

Very selfish indeed. are you that old enough that you are set in your ways? an old dog that cannot learn new tricks is an indeed a cliche.

 

Oh and things are not strained because of her thinking about me. It is because of my thinking of her. One of those by-products that very few talk about. The only one I have seen here really being Taylor, she does a good job on the subject. Also a good example where woman are more forgiving then men are.

 

Please read my old posts it is all explained there.

 

See WS's have their own justifications and reasons to cheat. BS's do not/will not ever understand them. But those reasons are valid to us at one point or another. Each of us have to come to terms with that. The more time you are removed from the affair the easier it is to deal with those reasons/justifications. Those justifications/reasons are all too real right after the affair which makes it very hard to tell your spouse. Since those reasons/justifications are what you used to have the affair, hard to give those up. Especially if your spouse is still doing those things that you used as justification.

 

The OP has a tough decision if she tells her husband or not. Believe me it far easier to say "DO IT" then to actually have the talk. You know you did something that will hurt your spouse and now you are going to tell them about it. Not an easy thing to do without support, sorry but anonymous internet folks do not count as support.

[Owl]

Do you really want to know that answer??

 

She rather not of known that I had an affair. She was happy and KNEW nothing about what was going on. See I could've done what this OP wants to do but I could not deal with the guilt. But I did try.

 

Please don't give me the "what are you doing speech" you can save that. Been there done that. You can see my old threads for that information.

 

Did she TELL you that she'd rather you have kept on with the affair and never admitted it, or are you assuming that based off of her behavior before and after your disclosure.

 

I've not seen an update to your "old thread" in quite sometime...so it's a valid question. I don't understand your hostility to an honest question.

 

Remember...I've BEEN in your wife's shoes, and was quite able to work through the same issues. I KNOW that it takes effort and work on both parts to get there...so asking what you've been doing to get there IS an honest question.

[samsungxoxo]

Just do what you think it's right for you and don't listen to those that called you coward. Telling might not always be the answer. Hey, whatever suits you, ok.

[LiveandLearn]

I understand that WSs have their reasons that drove them to go outside their marriage. Their reasons may not 'justify' their actions, but it is their reason. It is a conscious choice whether to cheat or not. As a BS, I know I played my part as to why my H went elsewhere to fill the void he was feeling in this relationship/marriage. Of course I do not condone his way of handling problems and wished he had handled it differently. But we each played our part and we both have to take responsibility for our own actions that caused the issues in our relationships in the first place. It's rarely ever one-sided.

 

But to say all that to say, we can think of millions of reasons as to why we do the things we do, but nothing ever changes if you don't face the problem head on and make a conscious effort to make the changes needed.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter:

Sorry I don't believe in the kissing ass thing. It is my personal opinion (remember mine only) that a WS owes there BS nothing.

 

Then the WS can leave if thats the kind of contempable behavior they will exhibit towards the one they betrayed.

 

Thats a fine attitude....."I did you wrong, I cheated...too bad...deal with it. i don't have to atone for anything"

 

As if cheating wasn't bad enough, if this is the kind of contempt that would be perfectly acceptable to display towards the person they f###d over, then they aren't fit to be married.

[Dexter Morgan]

It is my personal opinion (remember mine only) that a WS owes there BS nothing.

 

Wow just f-ing wow.

 

Ya, thats kind of my reaction when reading that. great attitude huh?

 

As if cheating on someone wasn't bad enough.

[pkn06002]

Did she TELL you that she'd rather you have kept on with the affair and never admitted it, or are you assuming that based off of her behavior before and after your disclosure.

 

I've not seen an update to your "old thread" in quite sometime...so it's a valid question. I don't understand your hostility to an honest question.

 

Remember...I've BEEN in your wife's shoes, and was quite able to work through the same issues. I KNOW that it takes effort and work on both parts to get there...so asking what you've been doing to get there IS an honest question.

 

Oh no she was not happy that I had an affair. She told me she would've been happier if I would've just ended it and not told her.

 

No hostility, you took that wrong. I "knew" you were going to ask that question. Nothing personal.

 

I disagree Owl you have not been in my wifes shoes. My affair went WAY PAST the level your wifes did, in actions, emotions and duration. The disconnect I created in me is way past what your wife formed.

 

But I will answer you so the OP can get a feeling for a possible outcome.

 

Told her then did the whole marriage builders thing, keep up with MC, talked spent time together blah blah blah. Did nothing for me. Made her happy though but me not one bit so I continue to "fake" it. Because I have come to terms with how the marriage was broken before the affair and also after. It is what it is. I will never get fully what I want out of my marriage, but my child's happiness is more important than mine. To miss out on my child's childhood is not something I am willing to do.

 

So there you go OP another possibility from telling, your spouse may forgive and want to move past it but you can't. Because all of those issues that lead you to cheat unless addressed (permanently) will just lead you back around.

 

Now why do I mention all of this in the first place. Because I tried to "fix" things without telling and guess what life was happier. I became the model husband and we talked and shared and really started to create a good bond. But once I TOLD, I TOLD and since I had nothing more to hide I let it all hang out. I told her every grievance I ever had and what I need to be happy. I would've been happier NOT telling since we were making more progress before I did.

 

So figure out your motivations and make your decision. Get professional help on the issues. Because whatever the outcome you want to become a different better person than you were going in.

[Dexter Morgan]

Defensive???? Not at all. But I owe no one anything, that is the type of thinking that lead me down the path I took in the first place.

 

So being selfish and having the attitude that you don't owe your wife anything led you down the path of cheating?

 

I can accept that as reason why you are a cheater. With an attitude like that, its all too obvious.

[pkn06002]

Then the WS can leave if thats the kind of contempable behavior they will exhibit towards the one they betrayed.

 

Thats a fine attitude....."I did you wrong, I cheated...too bad...deal with it. i don't have to atone for anything"

 

As if cheating wasn't bad enough, if this is the kind of contempt that would be perfectly acceptable to display towards the person they f###d over, then they aren't fit to be married.

 

Like I have said Dexter you have a good black or white way of looking at things.

 

Contempt no, you guys take my words to personal. But atone no, the reasons I cheated still exist. The marriage contract was broken way before I finished it off. So atonement is not mine to own only.

 

If we did not have a child, I would not be married anymore. Before you give me the you can be a parent that is divorced. Part time parenthood is not what I signed up for. I may not be the "right" match for my spouse but that does not mean I am not a good parent. Before you give the "what lessons you are teaching your child" remember I was not caught. I told so the lessons of coming clean is there.

[pkn06002]

So being selfish and having the attitude that you don't owe your wife anything led you down the path of cheating?

 

I can accept that as reason why you are a cheater. With an attitude like that, its all too obvious.

 

You are reading a lot into my words that just is not there.

 

Just the opposite, I gave/give my wife everything. See Dexter how you describe your relationship with your ex-wife is a lot like mine. Where she gets what she needs and I don't. But unlike your wife where she cheated, I finally did something for myself and I cheated.

 

So yeah selfish in the fact I want what a marriage is supposed to be. Before you comment yes I told her issues before I strayed.

 

We have discussed this all before, see my old postings. Or ask questions in my old thread so this one can get back on track.

[jwi71]

pkn,

 

I know you are in MC...and you're just going through the motions. Not my choice...but its not my life either.

 

Have you considered going to IC for YOU?

 

See any benefit in that?

[PhoenixRise]

Thank you all for your response. It is a tough call to 'tell' him or not. I know my H well enough. He will not be able to handle it. In fact, I tried a couple of times, he stopped me from open that conversation. I think he rather not know. It is not about "Me" to tell him or not. I am thinking about "Him" when I made the desicion.

 

I agree, there might be some very bad personality flaw in me that caused me cheating. I am working on self analysis. -- almost soul - anatomy. The pain I experienced after the A ended has brought me to a deep soul searching. I am not offended by any of the harsh comments here. I need here what other people think.

 

For those who suggest not to tell. thank you for your understanding anf support.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For those who criticize me not to tell my H. I am sorry I just could not do it. You are right, I locked myself in a glass. I may never be able to communicate heart to heart to my H because of this. But I do not think by telling him will bring

us any closer.

 

I am just trying to do my best to get over all this and be happy with what I have.

 

I may broke and tell him one day in the future if we can not work things out. I do not know at this point.

 

But I know better about A now. there is nothing can bring me to that road.

 

You know, it all depends on what kind of relationship you want to have with your H. If you are ok with never being able to have a heart to heart with him because of the secret you are keeping then by all means stay quiet.

 

But what happens if HE ever needs to have a heart to heart and when he comes to you you can't look him in the eye. Dosen't He deserve to have a wife who can look him in the eye?

 

When you say you know he can't handle it I suspect what you really mean is you know he won't forgive you.

 

Truth is: You are not entitled to his forgiveness. You are not entitled to be in a secure marriage with him. You gave up that entitlement and that expectation when you cheated. You SHOULD have to earn it back. Now your H may forgive you and may still want to give you a secure marriage but that should be his choice based on all the facts. Dosen't he deserve to be able to make choices about what kind of relatioship he is in.

 

Another Truth: As long as you hold on to this secret, you will never be able to look him in the eye and tell him all the things you mentioned in your OP that contributed to the deterioration of the marriage in the first place. The problems in your relationship will never get fixed. Now maybe you won't cheat again, but you and probaly your husband will still be miserable as hell.

 

Secrets like this do not just go away.

[dreamlover]

 

But I will answer you so the OP can get a feeling for a possible outcome.

 

Told her then did the whole marriage builders thing, keep up with MC, talked spent time together blah blah blah. Did nothing for me. Made her happy though but me not one bit so I continue to "fake" it. Because I have come to terms with how the marriage was broken before the affair and also after. It is what it is. I will never get fully what I want out of my marriage, but my child's happiness is more important than mine. To miss out on my child's childhood is not something I am willing to do.

 

So there you go OP another possibility from telling, your spouse may forgive and want to move past it but you can't. Because all of those issues that lead you to cheat unless addressed (permanently) will just lead you back around.

 

Now why do I mention all of this in the first place. Because I tried to "fix" things without telling and guess what life was happier. I became the model husband and we talked and shared and really started to create a good bond. But once I TOLD, I TOLD and since I had nothing more to hide I let it all hang out. I told her every grievance I ever had and what I need to be happy. I would've been happier NOT telling since we were making more progress before I did.

 

So figure out your motivations and make your decision. Get professional help on the issues. Because whatever the outcome you want to become a different better person than you were going in.

 

PKN. thank you for sharing your experience here. I appreciate it. I will be very careful about the telling thing. I can see what you have gone through will be exactly what my H and i will go through. That is not what I want to do to fix an already half-dead marriage.

 

Here is the real reason that I cheated, although I listed some at the initail post, but to tell from my heart: I was not happy in my marriage for many many reasons, we married when we both were 22. I cannot list all of them. my husband snores like pig ever since we married, we do not sleep in the same bedroom for many years. And he never think it is HIS problem, he get MAD when I complain about it. This is one big thing that I resent him to start with. There are too many other things going on way before the A happened, We were far detached. I was lonely and sad for many years. My H was never there when I emtionally needs him, he will only come to me when he physically needs me. I totally shut off to him a couple years ago before the A.

 

yes, it was wrong to cheat, do not you think my H also share his part?

 

Now, I realize having A is not a solution to be happy, it is only a temp stupid way to escape the real problems in our M. I just wanted to give it a try to work with my H to see if we can save the M. We also have kids. I would have long gone if I do not have kids.

 

Honestly, I do not know if we will be really happy, in fact, even before the A, we talked many times about devoice, the answer is always no. I even told him, it is possible we both willbe happier if we get D. Everytime we talked about this, it alwasy ended no beacuse Kids are in the picture.

 

We are going to MC, staring soon. I have been MC before by myself. it did not help too much. But hopefully it will be better this time.

[bentnotbroken]

PKN. thank you for sharing your experience here. I appreciate it. I will be very careful about the telling thing. I can see what you have gone through will be exactly what my H and i will go through. That is not what I want to do to fix an already half-dead marriage.

 

Here is the real reason that I cheated, although I listed some at the initail post, but to tell from my heart: I was not happy in my marriage for many many reasons, we married when we both were 22. I cannot list all of them. my husband snores like pig ever since we married, we do not sleep in the same bedroom for many years. And he never think it is HIS problem, he get MAD when I complain about it. This is one big thing that I resent him to start with. There are too many other things going on way before the A happened, We were far detached. I was lonely and sad for many years. My H was never there when I emtionally needs him, he will only come to me when he physically needs me. I totally shut off to him a couple years ago before the A.

 

yes, it was wrong to cheat, do not you think my H also share his part?

 

Now, I realize having A is not a solution to be happy, it is only a temp stupid way to escape the real problems in our M. I just wanted to give it a try to work with my H to see if we can save the M. We also have kids. I would have long gone if I do not have kids.

 

Honestly, I do not know if we will be really happy, in fact, even before the A, we talked many times about devoice, the answer is always no. I even told him, it is possible we both willbe happier if we get D. Everytime we talked about this, it alwasy ended no beacuse Kids are in the picture.

 

We are going to MC, staring soon. I have been MC before by myself. it did not help too much. But hopefully it will be better this time.

 

 

 

 

A part in your marital problem.....yes. In your A.....no. You are an adult, who can make you do something you don't want to do? If that were the case, why can't the honest people her make you tell him the truth?

[boldjack]

I truly am sorry for you. You are not smart, not wise and not loving. You are stupid, deceitful, selfish and low. Your life will not be a happy one. The only confession that matters is the one you make to the person you wronged. Only the truth will cure your depression.

[boldjack]

It's a sad person, who believes a lie is a good thing.

[Dexter Morgan]

So yeah selfish in the fact I want what a marriage is supposed to be.

 

No, thats not selfish at all. Being a cheater is.

[kaly6177]

 

Here is the real reason that I cheated, although I listed some at the initail post, but to tell from my heart: I was not happy in my marriage for many many reasons, we married when we both were 22. I cannot list all of them. my husband snores like pig ever since we married, we do not sleep in the same bedroom for many years. And he never think it is HIS problem, he get MAD when I complain about it. This is one big thing that I resent him to start with. There are too many other things going on way before the A happened, We were far detached. I was lonely and sad for many years. My H was never there when I emtionally needs him, he will only come to me when he physically needs me. I totally shut off to him a couple years ago before the A.

 

yes, it was wrong to cheat, do not you think my H also share his part?

 

Now, I realize having A is not a solution to be happy, it is only a temp stupid way to escape the real problems in our M. I just wanted to give it a try to work with my H to see if we can save the M. We also have kids. I would have long gone if I do not have kids.

 

Honestly, I do not know if we will be really happy, in fact, even before the A, we talked many times about devoice, the answer is always no. I even told him, it is possible we both willbe happier if we get D. Everytime we talked about this, it alwasy ended no beacuse Kids are in the picture.

 

We are going to MC, staring soon. I have been MC before by myself. it did not help too much. But hopefully it will be better this time.

 

OK, seriously? Snoring was a big thing that you resented him for? I am not trying to be a b****, as I too am a cheater, but if this is something that you resent your husband for then you don't need MC right now, you NEED individual counseling. Resenting your husband because he may have a health problem that causes him to snore is just wrong, I am sorry but I don't know any other way to say it. Did he not snore prior to you marrying him? My husband has always snored, but the last few years he has snored even louder than usual. Yes it did bother me, but not enough for me to sleep in the other room or resent him for it. And yes, the snoring is caused by a health issue that he has. He too didn't think he had a problem, but I forced him to go to the doctor and that is how we found out his health issues.

 

I think you already know the answer as to whether your marriage will be a happy one again. If you have talked about D many times before, then it looks like you have thought about not being with your husband on more than 1 occassion. It is good that you are planning on going to MC, but you really should consider doing individual counseling first. Yes your husband may or may not have contributed to your unhappiness, but only YOU can fix what is not right within yourself. The best advice that I was given after I ended my affair and was given a chance to reconsile with my husband was, "Don't ever depend on anyone to make you happy. Only YOU know what makes you happy." And after reading your posts, it doesn't seem like your husband makes you happy at all, just an observation.

[Dexter Morgan]

Here is the real reason that I cheated, although I listed some at the initail post, but to tell from my heart: I was not happy in my marriage for many many reasons, we married when we both were 22. I cannot list all of them. my husband snores like pig

 

Well DAMN HIM!!!

 

Ya, snoring...I can see that being a reason for cheating *rolling eyes*

 

 

ever since we married, we do not sleep in the same bedroom for many years. And he never think it is HIS problem

 

Ok he snores, what do you want him to do about it? Stop snoring when he his asleep and doesn't realize it is happening?

 

 

This is one big thing that I resent him to start with.

 

Well if snoring is the "one big thing" then I'd imagine you are very hard to live with and nobody can do anything right if you think snoring is a good excuse to go get pleasured by another man.

 

Its obvious you have nothing but contempt for him, so why not set him free and get a divorce?

 

 

 

There are too many other things going on way before the A happened, We were far detached. I was lonely and sad for many years. My H was never there when I emtionally needs him, he will only come to me when he physically needs me. I totally shut off to him a couple years ago before the A.

 

So basically you are putting all this on him. You cheated and its his fault.

Got it.

 

 

yes, it was wrong to cheat, do not you think my H also share his part?

 

No, not in your decision to cheat. But its obvious you think he shares the COMPLETE blame since the "big" issue, among others, is snoring. So what if he leaves the toilet seat up? What is that worth? giving another guy a blowjob?

 

After hearing this, just do the guy a favor and divorce him. Gee, i sure hope i don't find myself with someone like you and all of a sudden become a snorer.

 

 

Now, I realize having A is not a solution to be happy, it is only a temp stupid way to escape the real problems in our M. I just wanted to give it a try to work with my H to see if we can save the M. We also have kids. I would have long gone if I do not have kids.

 

That is no reason to stay married. Basically there is nothing to work on in the marriage, therefore there should not be one. You are only staying for the kids. So what are you going to do? Put on a facade, lead your husband to believe everything is fine...waste more years of his life and then when the kids are adults, ditch him? if so, that is even more despicable than cheating.

 

 

Honestly, I do not know if we will be really happy, in fact, even before the A, we talked many times about devoice, the answer is always no. I even told him, it is possible we both willbe happier if we get D. Everytime we talked about this, it alwasy ended no beacuse Kids are in the picture.

 

Well thats because you haven't told him that you screwed another guy.

 

Tell him and he just may change his mind about divorce.

 

 

We are going to MC, staring soon. I have been MC before by myself. it did not help too much. But hopefully it will be better this time.

 

No, it won't. You are going to waste his your time and money. You don't want your husband, you see something as ridiculous as snoring as a reason to cheat, you don't want to be with him, and wouldn't be married to him if it weren't for the kids.

 

MC for you will just be going through the motions.

 

Snoring......geez. Now I've heard everything.

[Owl]

PKN, while you guys were doing MC, why did you not also INSIST on changes that needed to occur to ensure that YOUR needs were met in the marriage?

 

Your spouses needs are not more important than yours, anymore than yours could be more important than hers. The reason you're still in the state you're in is because the two of you HAVEN'T taken ALL of the needed steps to fix the problems...clearly. What prevents you from INSISTING that your needs are as important as hers? What prevents you from INSISTING that both sides of the marriage fix their flaws?

 

JW's suggestion for IC might also help you answer this question as well.

[Owl]

Dreamlover, I've got to agree with others about how your "BIG" complaint about your H's snoring seems to be a major focus on something that he cannot control. There's no reason why you couldn't INSIST that he see a doctor as a part of the fixing ALL the issues in your marriage, is there?

 

I'm curious...why are you bothering to stay with him for even the short term at this point? Why aren't you already divorced, if things are as horrible as you've felt? What is keeping the two of you together?