Yes. It was Wrong

[wicar]

I am new to this site. I have read a lot of posts here, I am surprised to see SO many posts on the category. --- Things like this do happen all the time. I also admire a lot of insightful posts.

My story is no different from others, I am married and am the cheater. I had an A with a co-worker in the past two years. It ended a few months ago. I suffered terrible withdrawn depression, I struggled and survived.

To be honest, it took time for me to realize how wrong and bad it was.

I have always thought smart and logical people do not do stupid things. And I have always believed that I am smart, and I will not make stupid mistakes. --- . I am an intelligent professional woman, I have been successful in my study, my career.

I followed my dream, my needs, my desire just the same way that I pursued my career. When the co-worker chased me, I realize I was attracted to him as well. I went along without questioning it.

Lately I started see the “ugly”, “stupid” side of me, I analyzed the reasons that I cheated:

1. Never had respect to my husband the way he respected me

2. Believed I am smart enough to hide it from him

3. Do not know how much damage the A can cause

4. Sex desire not meet in my marriage

5. Desire of to be wanted and feel young and beautiful

6. The excitement

7. Curiosity to different culture ( the OM is from a different culture)

I am writing here for confession, I have decided never confessed to my husband as I believe it make more damages to our lives.

I am back to the real life now, working on my marriage, woke up from “grass is greener” dream.

Will I ever cheat again? NO, no any relationship unless I am single again. I know better how to follow the moral standard rules in life. – other wise someone will get hurt --- badly.

Truly admitting that I was wrong has helped me with the withdrawn depression, and helped me heal from the hurt.

Thank you for reading!

 

You must confess to your husband, for your own sake and your husbands sake. If you don't make him know it then your commitment to your marriage is fake. You will have carry the guilt feeling to your grave. Each time you see his face you will remeber that you were cheating him, he can never doubt you but you are fooling him.

 

I once had a friend who cheated on her husband. Then finally she decided to stop the affair with the other guy, but never confessed to her husband. One day her husband got a heart attack and died. He never knew he was cheated by his wife. Till his death he was thinking that she loved him and committed to the marriage same as him. It has been years since his death but still his wife has the guilt of cheating him. Now she wants to confess him, but she cannot. She will have to die with this guilt feeling, of cheating a person who really loved and trusted her. Unfortunatly she will have to die with the guilt as well.

[wicar]

I agree kaly. I did tell him I am not sure if I still love him many times and for a long time even before the A. Thank you.

 

 

I don'r understand the love standerds, of you people, what does "I am not sure if I still love him" I thought if a person really loved someone then he/she will love him forever no matter what happens.... I am not talikng only about you but how can people can once love a person and later lose their love..... If you love a person you must love his/her soul, not the physical beauty, sexual performence, money, etc....

 

The person at start might have money, fame, beauty etc.... and later he/she might lose them all, but still you should stick to them, (If you really love him) you should be willing to sacrifice your whole life for them, die for them, It is love, atleast in my standerds.

 

After all human body is only flesh and blood, one day it will go rotten in earth, but true love will never.......

 

If you love someone love their soul........

 

My friend please don't mistake me but it is what I think love is ......

[dreamlover]

You must confess to your husband, for your own sake and your husbands sake. If you don't make him know it then your commitment to your marriage is fake. You will have carry the guilt feeling to your grave. Each time you see his face you will remeber that you were cheating him, he can never doubt you but you are fooling him.

 

I once had a friend who cheated on her husband. Then finally she decided to stop the affair with the other guy, but never confessed to her husband. One day her husband got a heart attack and died. He never knew he was cheated by his wife. Till his death he was thinking that she loved him and committed to the marriage same as him. It has been years since his death but still his wife has the guilt of cheating him. Now she wants to confess him, but she cannot. She will have to die with this guilt feeling, of cheating a person who really loved and trusted her. Unfortunatly she will have to die with the guilt as well.

 

I do not understand, why cann ot she leave him at peace? Is it for her to release some guilt or is it some favor to do to his departed husband?

[lostsoulmate]

I once had a friend who cheated on her husband. Then finally she decided to stop the affair with the other guy, but never confessed to her husband. One day her husband got a heart attack and died. He never knew he was cheated by his wife.

 

He knows now.

[wicar]

I do not understand, why cann ot she leave him at peace? Is it for her to release some guilt or is it some favor to do to his departed husband?

 

 

Guilt is the worst feeling a human being can have especially when you fool some one who trusts you and has no idea that he is being fooled. You might say to your self that there is no guilt in you.... you are just fooling your self. I think you must confess to him not just for the sake of him but..... for the sake of you. The guilt feeling is something you can never swallow nor throw out..... It is one of the worst feeling humans come accross.

 

When you look at your husband's eyes, if you don't feel any guilt then either you are not human or your husband is not......

( This is for all cheaters both men and women)

 

Sorry if I hurt you but these are facts......

[lostsoulmate]

Guilt is the worst feeling a human being can have especially when you fool some one who trusts you and has no idea that he is being fooled. You might say to your self that there is no guilt in you.... you are just fooling your self. I think you must confess to him not just for the sake of him but..... for the sake of you.

 

Sorry if I hurt you but these are facts......

 

These are facts according to you.

 

Confessing to make herself feel better? NO!!! NOT OK!!!! (IMO)

[bentnotbroken]

These are facts according to you.

 

Confessing to make herself feel better? NO!!! NOT OK!!!! (IMO)

 

 

And anyone else trying to live an honest life and build a relationship on that along with respect, dignity and integrity. But if those aren't attributes that one doesn't wish to attain, well it won't be hard to find someone to live down to a base level standard of living.

[wicar]

These are facts according to you.

 

Confessing to make herself feel better? NO!!! NOT OK!!!! (IMO)

 

OK let's say it is according to me......

 

Let's say now she doesn't feel bad about it..... but is it final i mean won't there be a particular time in her life where she would suffer because of her hidden guilt.....not now may be 10 years later.... mayh be 20...... maybe when she is old and feeble.....

 

Can you guarantee that she would never feel guilty for cheating in her life?

 

You and me are just talking about it....... but she might one day will face it...... and you have no idea how bad that pain will be.

 

OK "lostsoulmate" forget about her, I am asking you have u done anything in your life and had the guilt feeling atleast once. I mean all humans must have atleast felt guilt once...... If u don't feel guilty of something wrong you've done then you are not human.

 

How does it feel to be guilty of something "lostsoulmate", I definitly think it won't be fun, to me guilt feeling will kill people slowly, people will be haunted by their wrong doing......don't u agree?

[lostsoulmate]

You and me are just talking about it....... but she might one day will face it...... and you have no idea how bad that pain will be.

 

OK "lostsoulmate" forget about her, I am asking you have u done anything in your life and had the guilt feeling atleast once. I mean all humans must have atleast felt guilt once...... If u don't feel guilty of something wrong you've done then you are not human.

 

How does it feel to be guilty of something "lostsoulmate", I definitly think it won't be fun, to me guilt feeling will kill people slowly, people will be haunted by their wrong doing......don't u agree?

 

I am in her situation. I will not tell my SO about my cheating to get if off my chest and watch him suffer in pain. IMO that seems pretty darn selfish.

And yes, I agree it is painful to carry guilt. But it is my guilt, mine alone.

[jwi71]

I am in her situation. I will not tell my SO about my cheating to get if off my chest and watch him suffer in pain. IMO that seems pretty darn selfish.

And yes, I agree it is painful to carry guilt. But it is my guilt, mine alone.

 

I do not agree.

If you do NOT tell your fiancee you will either cheat again...or live your only life unhappy. The core issues of your unhappiness have NOT dissipated. In fact, your A has only served to make you MORE unhappy.

 

They ONLY way to address your unhappiness is to address your unhappiness. And THAT means talking openly and honestly to your fiancee.

 

It means facing YOURSELF and HIM.

It means be open and honest.

Its the ONLY way forward.

 

I have no doubt you will lie to his face and get married. I have no doubt that you will "bury" this.

 

Don't spend your life like this. Don't sit on this.

 

The truth will set you free. That of course came from the bible. I will NOT get religious...but if you do NOT face it with your husband then you shackle yourself to it. And its a heavy weight which grows with time. And you are NEVER free of it.

 

I highly recommend postponing the M and talking with your fiancee.

[Owl]

Telling your spouse that you cheated is a MAJOR step towards preventing it from happening again...towards safeguarding yourself and your marriage against a recurrence.

 

Not telling them leaves this door still wide open.

 

Telling them isn't what "inflicts pain" on them. That pain was ALREADY inflicted on them...they just don't know it yet. It was the fact that you cheated that is the true SOURCE of the pain.

 

See the difference?

 

Not telling them isn't about protecting them, or protecting your marriage. Not telling is ONLY about protecting YOURSELF. It was that same self-centered thinking that led to the choice to cheat in the first place.

 

Choosing to tell isn't selfish...it's selfless. It's taking that RISK of hurting yourself in an effort to do the right thing for SOMEONE ELSE.

[bentnotbroken]

I am in her situation. I will not tell my SO about my cheating to get if off my chest and watch him suffer in pain. IMO that seems pretty darn selfish.

And yes, I agree it is painful to carry guilt. But it is my guilt, mine alone.

 

 

Selfish was cheating and now refusing to give the person you say you love the opportunity to chose for themselves how much they love you and if they are willing to live their life with the chance that you will cheat again. You aren't guilty enough to do the right thing. Partly right is all the way wrong. And you are wrong. He will suffer in ways you never imagined when he finds out that you started a life with him base on a lie.

 

You haven't been truthful about who you are and what you are capable of. You have given him a false image of you that he believes, what happens when he finds out he married an illusion?

[lostsoulmate]

I have now played both sides of this fence.

 

I have been the BS and now am the WS. (not in the same relationship)

 

When I was the BS I wish he would never have told me. It wasn't what ended our relationship, but 3 months down he told me about her. Years younger than me. Tramp!

 

Now I am the tramp! I do not think my relationship is going to make it. I think I knew that before the affair. I didn't want to admit it to myself. Then after the act, I was mortified. I still can't believe I took myself to that level. I have since apologized to the OM for getting him involved in my crossroads, started NC with him.

 

I have been trying to work with my fiance to work on our relationship. To no avail. I have taken it upon myself to go to IC. I have realized that me, myself and I are the only people that can make me happy. I can not rely on anyone to make my life better. Only I can do that.

 

I want out so bad, I have thought about telling, just so he would kick me out. That would only make me feel better. Selfish not selfless IMO.

[Owl]

I have now played both sides of this fence.

 

I have been the BS and now am the WS. (not in the same relationship)

 

When I was the BS I wish he would never have told me. It wasn't what ended our relationship, but 3 months down he told me about her. Years younger than me. Tramp!

 

Now I am the tramp! I do not think my relationship is going to make it. I think I knew that before the affair. I didn't want to admit it to myself. Then after the act, I was mortified. I still can't believe I took myself to that level. I have since apologized to the OM for getting him involved in my crossroads, started NC with him.

 

I have been trying to work with my fiance to work on our relationship. To no avail. I have taken it upon myself to go to IC. I have realized that me, myself and I are the only people that can make me happy. I can not rely on anyone to make my life better. Only I can do that.

 

I want out so bad, I have thought about telling, just so he would kick me out. That would only make me feel better. Selfish not selfless IMO.

 

Then leave.

 

Don't be the tramp.

 

Be the person who ends the relationship because it's not going to work.

 

You can end it with integrity and honor...or not.

 

What's it going to be?

[lostsoulmate]

What's it going to be?

 

 

Jury is still out.

[Owl]

An honest response...that's good.

 

But...you're not going to heal...your marriage won't stand a chance of improvement...NOTHING will stand a chance of improvement until the jury arrives.

 

You need to make deciding that a huge priority in your plans...until you DECIDE what you're going to do...you're doing nothing.

[lostsoulmate]

This is not my thread. My story is complicated.

 

Dreamlover-

 

Remember, whatever your choice is, it is right for you and your situation.

 

Good luck.

[boldjack]

Lost, I don't know you and you may be more decisive in real life, but you could be the most wishy-washy poster on this forum.

[Dexter Morgan]

Telling your spouse that you cheated is a MAJOR step towards preventing it from happening again

 

EXACTLY!! Because is she doesn't, then she has learned no real lesson...other than she can cheat and get away with it and will remember that the next time the perfect opportunity arises.

 

 

Telling them isn't what "inflicts pain" on them. That pain was ALREADY inflicted on them...they just don't know it yet. It was the fact that you cheated that is the true SOURCE of the pain.

 

Right again.

 

 

Not telling them isn't about protecting them, or protecting your marriage. Not telling is ONLY about protecting YOURSELF. It was that same self-centered thinking that led to the choice to cheat in the first place.

 

My case in point. I found out years later about what my xW did. and because she didn't tell me, she easily slipped back into that behavior since there were no real consequences to her actions.

 

And in the aftermath, 8 years of my life were wasted.

 

 

Don't ever think a spouse won't find out. She was sure I'd never find out. She kept asking me who told me and I wouldn't give up my source. I told her, "it doesn't matter who told me...what matters is that its the truth" and I'm glad someone finally gave me the information I deserved to know.

[jwi71]

EXACTLY!! Because is she doesn't, then she has learned no real lesson...other than she can cheat and get away with it and will remember that the next time the perfect opportunity arises.

 

You know, I don't think LSM or any other cheater TRULY gets away with it. All they succeed in doing is deceiving the spouse about the A. But the issues which allow a WS to cheat still remain. The same pain and hurt and anger and anxiety and self depreciation still exists. Except it is now compounded by guilt and worry and angst and on and on.

 

Get away with it? Nah...they make life worse for THEMSELVES.

 

And that LSM...is where you and most WS find themselves eventually.

 

Not telling your spouse doesn't let you "get away with it"...its still there weighing you down...

 

Ahem...truth will set you free...

[Dexter Morgan]

Get away with it? Nah...they make life worse for THEMSELVES.

 

If by that you mean they would have guilt, nah....i think cheaters can live with guilt, or lack of it, quite well. What they CAN'T live with is being caught.

 

 

Not telling your spouse doesn't let you "get away with it"...its still there weighing you down...

 

Do you really think the real reason cheaters don't want to tell is because they don't want to hurt their betrayed partner?

 

Maybe an inkling of that might be true, but the real reason is to not get caught and they don't have the guts to come clean. But they had the guts to cheat alright.

[jwi71]

If by that you mean they would have guilt, nah....i think cheaters can live with guilt, or lack of it, quite well. What they CAN'T live with is being caught.

 

I DO see your point and must admit I believe some/many/most (circle one) have NO guilt.

 

The others DO have guilt. And that's a heavy burden to carry.

 

Do you really think the real reason cheaters don't want to tell is because they don't want to hurt their betrayed partner?

 

No...I don't buy that crap anymore than you do.

They don't tell for their own selfish reasons. It has NOTHING to do with the BS and we both know that.

 

Maybe an inkling of that might be true, but the real reason is to not get caught and they don't have the guts to come clean. But they had the guts to cheat alright.

 

And the problems within the WS still remain. So they didn't get away with anything...only compounded everything. And that was my point...the WS accomplished nothing and as such, didn't "get away" with anything. The opposite in fact.

[wicar]

If by that you mean they would have guilt, nah....i think cheaters can live with guilt, or lack of it, quite well. What they CAN'T live with is being caught.

 

 

 

 

Do you really think the real reason cheaters don't want to tell is because they don't want to hurt their betrayed partner?

 

Maybe an inkling of that might be true, but the real reason is to not get caught and they don't have the guts to come clean. But they had the guts to cheat alright.

 

 

I totally agree with you Dexter Morgan if they never wanted to hurt their parteners they wouldn't have cheated in the first place.... " I didn't wanna hurt him / her" is the universal excuse by the cheaters not to confess....

If they have had have the gut's to cheat and fool a person who trusted them, then they should have the guts to confess as well.

[wicar]

I am in her situation. I will not tell my SO about my cheating to get if off my chest and watch him suffer in pain. IMO that seems pretty darn selfish.

And yes, I agree it is painful to carry guilt. But it is my guilt, mine alone.

 

 

"lostsoulmate" getting it off and watch him suffer is not selfish, but cheating behind his back is.... When you confess your pain will be less and he will get to know the truth. He will have the opportunity of making a choice whether to live with you or to walk away..... Yes it will be very painful for him at the begining but then time will heel him...if he hears the truth from your mouth....Suppose he finds out about it by himself or by others, then his pain will be worse..... he will never disgust you for telling the truth but for not doing so....

 

by the way "lostsoulmate" nothing personal but is "I will not tell my partner about my cheating to get if off my chest and watch him suffer in pain" a standerd excuse of cheaters, I mean not you not dreamlover all cheating men and women all around the world use the same words.....I am curious....

[Untouchable_Fire]

I have now played both sides of this fence.

I have been the BS and now am the WS. (not in the same relationship)

When I was the BS I wish he would never have told me. It wasn't what ended our relationship, but 3 months down he told me about her. Years younger than me. Tramp!

 

Just because you believe ignorance is bliss does not mean you have the right to make that choice for others.

 

Now I am the tramp! I do not think my relationship is going to make it. I think I knew that before the affair. I didn't want to admit it to myself. Then after the act, I was mortified. I still can't believe I took myself to that level. I have since apologized to the OM for getting him involved in my crossroads, started NC with him.

I have been trying to work with my fiance to work on our relationship. To no avail. I have taken it upon myself to go to IC. I have realized that me, myself and I are the only people that can make me happy. I can not rely on anyone to make my life better. Only I can do that.

I want out so bad, I have thought about telling, just so he would kick me out. That would only make me feel better. Selfish not selfless IMO.

 

If you want out... then get out! Stop stringing everyone including yourself along. Find some courage and do the right thing for once.

 

This is all crap advice for DL!!!