Yes. It was Wrong

[AnthonyF]

Thank you all for your response. It is a tough call to 'tell' him or not. I know my H well enough. He will not be able to handle it. In fact, I tried a couple of times, he stopped me from open that conversation. I think he rather not know. It is not about "Me" to tell him or not. I am thinking about "Him" when I made the desicion.

 

I agree, there might be some very bad personality flaw in me that caused me cheating. I am working on self analysis. -- almost soul - anatomy. The pain I experienced after the A ended has brought me to a deep soul searching. I am not offended by any of the harsh comments here. I need here what other people think.

 

For those who suggest not to tell. thank you for your understanding anf support.

 

For those who criticize me not to tell my H. I am sorry I just could not do it. You are right, I locked myself in a glass. I may never be able to communicate heart to heart to my H because of this. But I do not think by telling him will bring us any closer.

 

I am just trying to do my best to get over all this and be happy with what I have.

 

I may broke and tell him one day in the future if we can not work things out. I do not know at this point.

 

But I know better about A now. there is nothing can bring me to that road.

 

I know nothing about the situation, but you have to live with it and you will hurt your spouse if you do tell him. The question again, which you said it is "the pain" caused to end it makes me wonder. Was it the pain to break the affair with another person or the pain you had caused having the affair? If it is the feelings to the other person, then there is a major problem.

 

Again if you do it again, I'd tell you then you have to come clean and decide where you go from there.....

[Owl]

All is fair in love and war! Was it fair that he treated/treats me the way he did/does?

 

Again I say, "ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR!!"

 

As a side note, I do believe in karma, so I know what awaits me. Hurt 3 fold.

 

All is NOT fair in love and war.

 

Heck...even war has "The Laws of Land Warfare"...and the Geneva/Hague Conventions that many countries agree to.

 

It sounds to me like you simply don't love him enough to care about his side in the relationship. You don't care enough about him to even let him know the truth, or make his own decision to remain with you or not.

 

It makes me wonder just what exactly the basis of your relationship with him really is? Financial security? He's your "safety net"?

 

He doesn't sound like a partner. He's not given enough respect/care to hold that title from the sounds of it.

 

What IS he to you?

[Owl]

Thank you all for your response. It is a tough call to 'tell' him or not. I know my H well enough. He will not be able to handle it. In fact, I tried a couple of times, he stopped me from open that conversation. I think he rather not know. It is not about "Me" to tell him or not. I am thinking about "Him" when I made the desicion.

 

I agree, there might be some very bad personality flaw in me that caused me cheating. I am working on self analysis. -- almost soul - anatomy. The pain I experienced after the A ended has brought me to a deep soul searching. I am not offended by any of the harsh comments here. I need here what other people think.

 

For those who suggest not to tell. thank you for your understanding anf support.

 

For those who criticize me not to tell my H. I am sorry I just could not do it. You are right, I locked myself in a glass. I may never be able to communicate heart to heart to my H because of this. But I do not think by telling him will bring us any closer.

 

I am just trying to do my best to get over all this and be happy with what I have.

 

I may broke and tell him one day in the future if we can not work things out. I do not know at this point.

 

But I know better about A now. there is nothing can bring me to that road.

 

What about HIS heart that's now being held away from yours by that "sheet of glass"?

 

What about HIS chance to truly be happy with someone who CAN share her heart with him?

 

Does he not deserve a chance at those things, even if you feel that you don't?

[troubadour]

All is fair in love and war! Was it fair that he treated/treats me the way he did/does?

 

Again I say, "ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR!!"

 

As a side note, I do believe in karma, so I know what awaits me. Hurt 3 fold.

 

 

Lostsoulmate... it maybe true that you believe in karma... but what you are really afraid of is the loss of safety and stability of your marriage. This is your main concern right now... what awaits you as a result of your affair is a very abstract concept and it is far way. What you don't want to lose is your family and marriage... here and now... so don't get too philosophical with this karma thing.

 

The same goes for dreamlover... she is agonizing how she may never have "heart to heart" talk with her husband... my question is if this "heart to heart" tak with her husband so important to her when you were having her affair... she didn't care too much about it back then, did she?

 

Both of you are afriad of consequences you two would have to face... don't tell me how much you care about not hurting your husbands' feelings. It didn't stop you from sleeping with other man, did it?

 

I am O.K. with if a fact if someone decides to have affair... some people have a very valid reason to do so... but this REMORSE thing later begs for laughter.

[LiveandLearn]

I'm sure you fear that by telling him he will hate you and want to leave you (which he has every right to, if he so chooses), but there is also the possibility that he will want to remain in the marriage and do whatever it takes to strengthen it. Depending on how deep his love is for you and how much he values your marriage, he will admire you for 'coming clean'. Sure he'll be devastated and won't trust you (for a long while), but what do you expect? That kinda comes with the territory of news about a cheating spouse. If the love between you two is strong enough, you two CAN overcome this. It won't be easy, but it is possible. You two WILL be closer....if it's handled correctly of course. It will take both parties to strengthen the relationship.

 

It'll do you both some good if you're honest with him. If, and when (because they always do) he find out, it will be a million times worse.

[Chrome Barracuda]

She's a coward and a control freak.

 

A coward who wont stand up and do what is right, she says she has caused pain, ou dont think they're will be more pain when he finds out on his own instead of his wife being a real woman and being open and honest with him?

 

How are you gonna fix things if you dont address them?

 

And is a control freak because she doesnt want to deal with the consequences of her actions so she's doing everything on her end to control the outcome of the situation! If she got her head outta the damn sand she could have a healthy and strong marriage. her cheating is what got her there in the first place! she needs to be a real woman and own up to what she has done.

[pkn06002]

Most of the folks that are telling you to confess are BS's, WS's will tell you something else. Both come at it from their own angel.

 

You are the only one that knows what telling would actually do, follow what you feel is correct. Because it is a crap shoot if your marriage recovers after you tell. Plenty of folks here will tell you it will never recover if you don't but seems the odds are not in your favor if you do. If you do tell the only difference is you husband gets to know what happened.

 

If you do confess make sure of your motivations. If you do it only to get the guilt off your chest (which is what I did) it helps nothing.

[anne1707]

I know my H well enough. He will not be able to handle it. In fact, I tried a couple of times, he stopped me from open that conversation. I think he rather not know.

 

It is amazing how strong people can be when faced with this kind of crisis in a relationship. Your husband can probably deal with this far better than you realise but either you are underestimating him or using this as an excuse not to tell.

 

I agree, there might be some very bad personality flaw in me that caused me cheating. I am working on self analysis. -- almost soul - anatomy. The pain I experienced after the A ended has brought me to a deep soul searching.

 

Your pain???? What about the pain this will cause your husband WHEN he finds out. The longer you go without telling him, the more it will hurt. Every day you don't say anything, you lie to him.

 

For those who suggest not to tell. thank you for your understanding anf support.

 

Only because it is what you want to hear.

 

But I do not think by telling him will bring us any closer.

 

So this huge lie between you will keep you closer than the truth? So being able to tackle the problems in your marriage together will also not bring you closer?

 

I am just trying to do my best to get over all this and be happy with what I have.

 

OK you might be happy with what your have. At least you know what you have. However your H doesn't. He needs to know the truth so he can decide on what he wants. This is not all about you.

 

 

I may broke and tell him one day in the future if we can not work things out. I do not know at this point.

 

So you will tell him only when it's all over. That's nice of you. Just when he feels it has reached rock bottom, you will kick him in the *****. You have to tell him now so he can decide whether to work with you on this marriage or to get out. He deserves that.

 

 

But I know better about A now. there is nothing can bring me to that road.

 

How can you know better when you cannot really solve your marital problems whilst you continue to lie.

 

 

 

Just to clarify - I speak from experience. I had an affair with a work colleague. I have told my H and we are working together to make our marriage work. It is a slow and painful process but I think we both feel closer than we have for a long time as we have had to confront what has happened and why. We now both make more effort in our relationship and will no longer let problems quietly fester. This is the only way to make it work and can only be achieved with total honesty.

[Dexter Morgan]

I may broke and tell him one day in the future if we can not work things out.

 

And what would be the point of telling him then?

 

So let me get this straight...you won't tell him now because you are afraid of what will happen, perhaps he will leave you.

 

But if things don't work out, you would tell him?? Whats that about? Sticking a knife in his chest on the way out of the relationship?

 

"Oh, by the way, now that we are parting ways....I want to tell you, I cheated on you"......what would be the point then if not to try to destroy him...get one up on him?

 

Why would you not come clean now, but tell him in the event you two are getting a divorce?

[Dexter Morgan]

All is fair in love and war! Was it fair that he treated/treats me the way he did/does?

 

Again I say, "ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR!!"

 

of course you say that, you're a cheater. That is an entitlement attitude.

 

So its all good and fair when someone cheats? give me a break.

 

If someone told me they cheated, then said, "all is fair in love and war", I'd go upstairs, come back down...she'll say..."whats that"...and I'll say, "your belongings.....get out...all is fair!"

[kaly6177]

Dreamlover,

 

I have been in your situation before, I AM a WS. I understand that you came on this board to confess what you have done. The thing is, we don't have a marriage with you. You OWE your confession to your husband, not a bunch of strangers in an internet forum.

 

I understand also that you want to protect your husband from getting hurt, but he deserves to know what happened to his marriage. You said you want to fix your marriage and move on from the affair. But how can you fix your marriage when there is a dark area that your husband is unaware of? An affair is not something that should just be put aside. Regardless whether it is a short term or long term affair, it needs to come to light. This is the only way your marriage can be healthy. Perhaps you truly believe that by not telling your husband you truly are saving your marriage. But do you really want your marriage to be based on lies?

 

Whether you think your husband can handle it or not, you need to tell him the truth. He deserves to know the truth. And I must say, YOU OWE it to him.

[Owl]

Most of the folks that are telling you to confess are BS's, WS's will tell you something else. Both come at it from their own angel.

 

You are the only one that knows what telling would actually do, follow what you feel is correct. Because it is a crap shoot if your marriage recovers after you tell. Plenty of folks here will tell you it will never recover if you don't but seems the odds are not in your favor if you do. If you do tell the only difference is you husband gets to know what happened.

 

If you do confess make sure of your motivations. If you do it only to get the guilt off your chest (which is what I did) it helps nothing.

 

I would disagree that she's the only one who can know what will actually occur by telling her H.

 

I've seen MANY posters come here over the years convinced that telling would end their marriage...eventually, they tell, and the vast majority work out well, regardless of their fears.

 

Right now, her judgement is still massively clouded due to her affair, and her own role in betraying her husband.

 

Ours (BS and WS) is less so, since we're not sitting in the middle of the emotional maelstrom that she's in...our own chaos is past (for most of us).

 

Are our recommendations colored by our "role" in the affair...certainly...that would be true of every single poster on this forum...the OP and yourself included.

 

That doesn't negate the validity of our posts, however.

 

On the contrary...most of us have a much clearer understanding of what it truly takes to recover (both personally and as a marriage) from infidelity.

 

So when you see BS's urge her to tell her H...it's not just to "punish" her for being wayward. Its because most of us see and know this as the best course of action for true healing all the way around.

[pkn06002]

Owl I did not tell her not tell now did I??? You are acting like I was attacking the BS view, I was just clarifying what she was reading since I believe she is new here.

 

She has to be very sure of her motivations, because it is crap shoot and she needs to know that. Not every situation works out like your has, I will say that most don't.

 

See I have become more like Reggie in the fact I see marriages continue but most are a shell of what they were before. You folks that are telling her to confess are right that "could" lead to a different/better marriage or it could crash and burn or just limp along. She does have the advantage of coming clean vs being caught. Always better to confess then to get caught.

 

Telling her over and over that confessing is the only way? Millions of people have affairs and continue their lives with no one ever knowing. Those people seem to continue just fine. All depends on what you can live with.

 

How about this she should seek professional help to one determine if she wants to stay married. Two if she does, what does that professional suggest is the best course of action. I would think it would be better to trust a trained professional more then an bunch of folks on the internet.

[Dexter Morgan]

Telling her over and over that confessing is the only way? Millions of people have affairs and continue their lives with no one ever knowing. Those people seem to continue just fine.

 

Well fantastic!! I can start cheating, decide to stop, not tell my SO, and all will be hunky dory...because after all....she won't know the difference, right?

 

 

All depends on what you can live with.

 

Oh, I think cheaters that get away with betraying their partners can live with it quite well if they can successfully snowball and lie to their partner about it.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Trust me guys people would know the truth up front instead of others ling about it by omission. The want a choice in how theyre life is played out.

 

ou take away their choice to make a conscious decision b not giving them the full facts!

[pkn06002]

Well fantastic!! I can start cheating, decide to stop, not tell my SO, and all will be hunky dory...because after all....she won't know the difference, right?

 

 

Oh, I think cheaters that get away with betraying their partners can live with it quite well if they can successfully snowball and lie to their partner about it.

 

 

Not my personal belief (remember I confessed), but confession is not the only answer. I personally could not deal with the guilt.

 

Plenty of evidence the other way.

[Owl]

What was the outcome of YOUR confession, PNK?

[kaly6177]

She has to be very sure of her motivations, because it is crap shoot and she needs to know that.

 

Her motivation at this point should be to give her husband the choice about the marriage. He didn't have a choice about her affair. The affair lasted 2 years. That's 2 years of his life that was basically taken away from him because of this lie. Whether they divorce or stay married, that choice should be given to her husband. It is no longer her choice when she decided to have the affair.

 

I am sorry, but I really believe that by not telling him you are robbing your husband a TRUE happy marriage, and a marriage with REAL love.

[Dexter Morgan]

Not my personal belief (remember I confessed), but confession is not the only answer. I personally could not deal with the guilt.

 

Plenty of evidence the other way.

 

So to those WSs who are too coward to come clean and give their spouse honesty....what do you think a WS like that should be prepared to do to kiss their BS's ass in absence of the consideration they are not showing their spouse?

 

In other words, if a chicken-s##t WS doesn't want to tell their victim the truth and give them the choice to decide what to do with their life, what should the WS be doing to make up for that despicable decision not to tell?

[pkn06002]

What was the outcome of YOUR confession, PNK?

 

1) hurt wife

2) lots of MC

3) Limping along marriage.

[LiveandLearn]

I have decided never confessed to my husband as I believe it make more damages to our lives.

 

By not telling him because you know it will hurt him is not helping him. You're not genuinely looking out for his well being. You're telling him that he's not allowed to be hurt or has no right to be hurt because of X, Y, and Z. What you really fear is the reprecussion of your actions, which is understandable for when anyone does something wrong. But you learn from it. And you can't learn from it if you don't face the consequences of your actions. And honestly, you can't fully understand how your behavior has hurt your partner until you see them actually hurt over it. That will definitely be an eye opener.

 

To err is to be human. No one is perfect. I'm sure you're a good person that just made poor choices. Unfortunately some people do need to learn the hard way. The fact that you feel any kind of remorse about your actions is a good thing and shows that you know what you did was wrong and your husband will see that. If you value your marriage enough, you will tell him. The saying "what he doesn't know won't hurt him" is bull. You may not say anything, but he will be able to tell in your actions/behavior that something isn't right. And whatever issues you have in the marriage will still be there.

[Owl]

Do you think that it was TELLING your wife that hurt her? Or was it the fact that you had an affair?

 

Have you asked her since if she'd rather that you kept this from her? If not, why not? If so, what was her response?

 

What are the two of you DOING to heal the marriage, rather than just let it limp along? I hear that you're in MC...but what changes are you both making in your marriage and how you deal with each other (and others, for that matter)? And...how long ago did this all come out?

[pkn06002]

Her motivation at this point should be to give her husband the choice about the marriage. He didn't have a choice about her affair. The affair lasted 2 years. That's 2 years of his life that was basically taken away from him because of this lie. Whether they divorce or stay married, that choice should be given to her husband. It is no longer her choice when she decided to have the affair.

 

I am sorry, but I really believe that by not telling him you are robbing your husband a TRUE happy marriage, and a marriage with REAL love.

 

I heard this same thing and I disagree with it.

 

If she cared one little bit about her husband from the start she would not of had the affair. Little late to play the think of someone else card.

 

Her husband is NOT the only one that gets to decided matters. They both have a say in the eventual outcome of the marriage. Yes have an affair you give up rights to your life, whatever.

 

Dexter:

Sorry I don't believe in the kissing ass thing. It is my personal opinion (remember mine only) that a WS owes there BS nothing. WS all WS have their reasons for cheating, those reasons do not magically disappear because you are caught or confess. Both parties have to come to the table willing to work things out (in some fashion) or end it.

 

For those people that cheat and don't tell, that is more of a secret then I could keep. Other people are different though. Depends on what she wants to see her marriage turn into. She needs to see a professional to get a good path to follow not random people on an internet forum.

[AnthonyF]

I have no background, just an opinion. Telling him, if you truly want to rebuild the marriage, are over the affair, think the the chances of him finding out is truly minimal and it will not happen again, all huge caveats, is saying "the ball is in your court, I'm going to hurt you badly and you are going to make the decision what we are going to do about the marriage".....

 

I truly feel you say nothing about the affair, but discuss what needs to be done in the marriage so it doesn't happen again.

 

Just a naive one's yenta advice.....

[pkn06002]

Do you think that it was TELLING your wife that hurt her? Or was it the fact that you had an affair?

 

Have you asked her since if she'd rather that you kept this from her? If not, why not? If so, what was her response?

 

What are the two of you DOING to heal the marriage, rather than just let it limp along? I hear that you're in MC...but what changes are you both making in your marriage and how you deal with each other (and others, for that matter)? And...how long ago did this all come out?

 

 

Do you really want to know that answer??

 

She rather not of known that I had an affair. She was happy and KNEW nothing about what was going on. See I could've done what this OP wants to do but I could not deal with the guilt. But I did try.

 

Please don't give me the "what are you doing speech" you can save that. Been there done that. You can see my old threads for that information.