Yes. It was Wrong

[jj33]

Did you all read the rest of her post. It wasnt just the snoring. That seems to me to be something that simply added insult to injury.

[kaly6177]

Did you all read the rest of her post. It wasnt just the snoring. That seems to me to be something that simply added insult to injury.

 

 

Yes I read all of her post. The fact of the matter is, even though she said there are 'other' issues, it seems she focused mainly on the snoring. Which really is a petty excuse. If there are other problems other than snoring, which she said there are, then focus on that, not something small like snoring.

 

If I focus on the little things/habits that my husband has that annoys me (not enough to really bother me and make me unhappy), then we would never have stayed together for as long as we did/have. If snoring made her unhappy and she resented her husband for it "big time", then there's got to be a bigger problem that caused her to resent him for something as small as snoring. THAT problem is what she needs to focus on, not the snoring.

 

Here's some questions for you Dreamlover:

 

1. How did your affair end? Did you end it? Did your OM end it? This is important because it can determine if you really are willing to work on your marriage and can/will committ to your husband.

 

2. You said you had an affair with a co-worker. Have you changed jobs? Is this co-worker still working in the same company as you? Again this is important in the rebuilding of your marriage.

[65tr6]

1. How did your affair end? Did you end it? Did your OM end it? This is important because it can determine if you really are willing to work on your marriage and can/will committ to your husband.

I thought the same way before but I dont think it matters at all. Most important thing is for WS to end the affair, be in NC, come out of the fog, back on the ground, before they is any talk of re-committment. Most WS, during the course of the affair, know the affair is wrong but just cannot end it...Their repeated invain "attempts" to end the A only makes them come even more close. (as they think they found their true love).

[couchmonkey]

HE SNORED?!

 

What a bastard!

 

I don't think that an affair was a good enough solution. It was only a temporary one. I think that you should have plotted your husbands death with your lover.

 

That would serve him right for snoring!

[kaly6177]

Most important thing is for WS to end the affair, be in NC, come out of the fog, back on the ground, before they is any talk of re-committment.

 

This is exactly why I am asking the question on who ended the affair. Per my experience (and I am NOT saying this is how it was for every WS), but my feelings didn't became clear until I was the one that wanted to end the affair. The first time the affair ended, it was the OM who ended it and I broke apart. It made me even need/want the OM because I felt lonely and I needed his attention/love that I thought I wasn't getting from my husband. The moment my phone rang and it was the OM, I jumped at it and took it without hesitation because my heart still wasn't in my marriage.

 

Dreamlover did say that she is over the affair. That is fine, but the BIG question is what is SHE is going to do about her life/marriage? She needs to do IC first and figure that part out on her own. She needs to figure out what in her marriage is making HER unhappy. Once she figures that out, then perhaps that is the time that she needs to sit down with her husband and figure out whether they should stay and go to MC, or just D and move on separately.

 

** I am by no means saying this is all her fault, or her husband's fault. What I am saying is that she first need to figure out what is going on within herself by seeking professional help before she can jump in and try to fix the marriage that seems to give her unhappiness.

[Dexter Morgan]

Did you all read the rest of her post. It wasnt just the snoring. That seems to me to be something that simply added insult to injury.

 

I read it all, and she said that was the one "big thing" that was a problem in addition to others.

 

Well if that is the one "big thing" that she is using to excuse her cheating, then that's ridiculous.

[65tr6]

She needs to do IC first and figure that part out on her own. .

 

Sorry I disagree. She needs to confess. Not in the front of a priest but to her husband. They BOTH then decide the next steps. Actually the husband gets to decide first.

 

She is not capable (sorry for being blunt) of making decision for both herself and her husband. Remember, she is the one who betrayed. So at this point I would not completely trust her decision making - especially when it comes to relationships - marital or not.

[kaly6177]

Sorry I disagree. She needs to confess. Not in the front of a priest but to her husband. They BOTH then decide the next steps. Actually the husband gets to decide first.

 

She is not capable (sorry for being blunt) of making decision for both herself and her husband. Remember, she is the one who betrayed. So at this point I would not completely trust her decision making - especially when it comes to relationships - marital or not.

 

I agree that she needs to confess. I have said that to my previous replies, that she needs to be honest to her husband and tell him what she has done. I also have said that she needs to give her husband the opportunity to make the decision on whether he wants to stay in the marriage or not, it is not for her to say or decide what he needs in his life. Yes I understand that a marriage is a partnership and she also needs to talk to her husband about what her needs are, and he should be able to fulfill her needs. But at the same time, only she knows what she needs and what is missing in her life. (Sorry to be blunt) She can moan and whine all day long about her husband snoring and her unhappiness about the marriage, but unless she knows exactly what is making her unhappy and what she is not getting from her husband, what exactly can her husband do? Like I said, I really doubt that the snoring is the "biggest thing" that is wrong in their marriage. But then again, I could be wrong also.

 

What I am saying that she needs to figure out on her own is that what exactly is making her unhappy about the marriage, not whether or not she should confess. I doubt it really is just the snoring that is making her resentful towards her husband. She needs to talk to a specialist and figure out what the reasons are for her unhappiness.

[65tr6]

She needs to talk to a specialist and figure out what the reasons are for her unhappiness.

 

Sorry I didnt read your replies earlier. Yes we agree then. Just a quick point on IC. I agree this is a good thing for WS. They are so shacken by the betrayal they just inflicted on their spouse that it needs a specialist to put some kind of "sense" back into them.

 

HOWEVER, just undergoing IC, without confessing and witnessing the horrific dynamics caused by the affair is fairly ineffective. My opinion. Hence confession to your spouse is the primary step.

[Owl]

Actually, I'm going to disagree with starting with IC.

 

IC is focused on the individual. The IC won't care about the marriage...and in fact, often their advice is so focused on the individual, there is no thought or care about the damage that their advice may do to marital recovery.

 

She needs to begin working MC first. And if she opts to do IC as well, it needs to be one recommended by her MC, that can help her work through her issues WITH her MC as well, so that they're all working WITH each other...not against.

[dreamlover]

wow, suprised to see so many response, thanks to everyone intend to help.

 

For those one who just try to insult people, I feel sorry for what you do here. May god give you some peace.

 

I know I have made big mistakes, and I ended the affair because I just realized it was wrong and I want to find happiness from my real life, not a dream.

 

I have built up many resentment to my H over the years, we had communication problems, we were both very busy for work and kids and everything else. did not care about each other in the past. I believe that we share 50/50 on what bring us to the current stage.

 

True, snoring maybe not a good thing to mention as an excuse for cheating. if you stay in the same room with my H for only one night, you will know why I pointed that out. His co-work had to move to a differnt room in the mid of the night when they shared a room on a trip. He even asked me how I can live with my H. That was back 7 years ago. He has seen Dr. for it. he does not have health problem. it is just the way he is. Believe me or not, I have slept in the ketch floor, bethroom because of it. Enough about this topic. You do not have to agree with me this will canse Big problem between us.

 

-- But it does keep us from getting close.

 

I am workng on analyzing myself and find out why I am not happy with my life. Marriage may not be the only reason. I am seeking for all the answers. Not clear yet. I know I am not as smart as I once thought.

 

Maybe the guilt, the lie that I am hiding makes me sad and heavy. Maybe I should confess to him and be light and see what life takes us. I am working on getting my head stright now.

 

Thanks again for reading and response. My parents fight all the time through all their lives, I do not know how a happy couple could be, never seen one closely.

 

So for those, you tried so hard to get your marriage working again after the A, may I ask you a question: are you really happy? -- I mean both of you?

 

By the way, what WS and OP stands for? Sorry, could not figure it out.

[dreamlover]

To answer some of your's question: yes. the A was ended by both me and the OM. And we stayed NC for the past month, we still work for the same company, but different location. No contact at all.

 

I am still in the withdraw stage. -- But is is over.

[Owl]

My wife's affair occurred almost five years ago. WE're still together.

 

And yes, we're BOTH very happy with each other, and our marriage. We're very glad we worked through the issues and managed to save our marriage...and BOTH of us do indeed feel that way.

 

It CAN happen...a marriage CAN recover from infidelity, and the issues that contributed to that happening. I live in a marriage that is proof of that every day.

[kaly6177]

wow, suprised to see so many response, thanks to everyone intend to help.

 

For those one who just try to insult people, I feel sorry for what you do here. May god give you some peace.

 

I know I have made big mistakes, and I ended the affair because I just realized it was wrong and I want to find happiness from my real life, not a dream.

 

I have built up many resentment to my H over the years, we had communication problems, we were both very busy for work and kids and everything else. did not care about each other in the past. I believe that we share 50/50 on what bring us to the current stage.

 

True, snoring maybe not a good thing to mention as an excuse for cheating. if you stay in the same room with my H for only one night, you will know why I pointed that out. His co-work had to move to a differnt room in the mid of the night when they shared a room on a trip. He even asked me how I can live with my H. That was back 7 years ago. He has seen Dr. for it. he does not have health problem. it is just the way he is. Believe me or not, I have slept in the ketch floor, bethroom because of it. Enough about this topic. You do not have to agree with me this will canse Big problem between us.

 

-- But it does keep us from getting close.

 

I am workng on analyzing myself and find out why I am not happy with my life. Marriage may not be the only reason. I am seeking for all the answers. Not clear yet. I know I am not as smart as I once thought.

 

Maybe the guilt, the lie that I am hiding makes me sad and heavy. Maybe I should confess to him and be light and see what life takes us. I am working on getting my head stright now.

 

Thanks again for reading and response. My parents fight all the time through all their lives, I do not know how a happy couple could be, never seen one closely.

 

So for those, you tried so hard to get your marriage working again after the A, may I ask you a question: are you really happy? -- I mean both of you?

 

By the way, what WS and OP stands for? Sorry, could not figure it out.

 

Dreamlover,

 

I am glad that you are trying your best to find peace and figure out what is going on in your life, not just your marriage. I am in the same boat as we speak, currently doing both IC and MC. It is a rough process, but it is something that I have been needing for a very long time. And I am sure that you will find it necessary as well for you. Much like you, I never really witnessed a happy marriage with my parents, I actually didn't have parents so to speak. My siblings and I grew up without a father. Our mother dated a lot of different men, been married several times. It was really difficult to figure out how to build a happy marriage when I was never around one.

 

As for the guilt and lie, it would definitely put a huge rock on your shoulder. The confession will be hard and his reaction will be even harder. Just know that it is what needs to be done and you don't need to carry the guilt all your life.

 

You asked about life after the affair...my husband and I are currently separated, a choice we both agreed on. The reason is that we both have a lot of things to work on. I have a lot of things to work on. I have hurt my husband very badly and taken something away from him, and right now we are both working on getting our life back. Are we both happy? I am happy that my husband has given me another chance to work on having my family back. I am happy that I am finally able to face my demons and am dealing with it head on. As for marriage, no we are not in a place yet to say we are happy again. I am not sure if we will ever reach that place again, but I am praying hard that we do. We are taking things one step at a time.

 

As many of the people here who has been through a reconsiliation, they will tell you that it takes a long time to heal. My husband's wounds are still very fresh and we have our up and down days. I just know that I love him very much and I refuse to give up unless he tells me it's time to give up.

[Dexter Morgan]

wow, suprised to see so many response, thanks to everyone intend to help.

 

For those one who just try to insult people

 

Calling you out on your despicable contempt you have for your husband to justify cheating because he snores is an insult? uh.....ok:o

 

What you are DOING is an insult, not only to your husband, but to anyone that is most unfortunate to have someone in their lives that would cheat because of something the betrayed partner has no control of.

 

 

May god give you some peace.

 

No, may he give your husband some peace.

 

 

 

I have built up many resentment to my H over the years, we had communication problems, we were both very busy for work and kids and everything else. did not care about each other in the past. I believe that we share 50/50 on what bring us to the current stage.

 

to the current stage, maybe....to your cheating...he bears absolutely ZERO responsibility. that is all yours and yours alone.

 

But even with the 50/50 as far as your marital problems are concerned, I don't buy it. I know you say there are other things, but you listed your biggest beef with him being snoring and justifying your cheating with that. And if that is your biggest beef, I don't see how your husband handles all the other beefs you must have with him. it must be a living hell. He probably feels like he can't do anything right and pleasing you is impossible.

 

 

True, snoring maybe not a good thing to mention as an excuse for cheating. if you stay in the same room with my H for only one night, you will know why I pointed that out.

 

Great, if my SO starts snoring really bad, I'll take great comfort in knowing I can cheat on her for it and say, "sorry, you snore..I can't take it...therefore I cheat".

 

 

His co-work had to move to a differnt room in the mid of the night when they shared a room on a trip. He even asked me how I can live with my H. That was back 7 years ago. He has seen Dr. for it. he does not have health problem. it is just the way he is. Believe me or not, I have slept in the ketch floor, bethroom because of it. Enough about this topic. You do not have to agree with me this will canse Big problem between us.

 

Well honey....the situation aint gonna improve. He isn't going to magically stop snoring. The poor guy...he is being cheated on because of something he can't help. I feel for him.

 

 

By the way, what WS and OP stands for? Sorry, could not figure it out.

 

WS = Wayward Spouse....or cheater.

 

OP could mean Other Person or Original Poster.

[AnthonyF]

Snoring can be a terrible problem and it should be treated (or an attempt at least).

 

Reading more info I now say you may as well tell him, because it does not sound like a solid marriage in any case.

 

I still maintain I'd rather not know especially if my spouse was determined with me to build a lasting, loving relationship. If not and the spouse is only staying because of fear of the unknown, status, how others would react or monetarily that is wrong.

 

This is the old peeling an onion and more and more layers presenting themselves.

[dreamlover]

Dreamlover,

 

I am glad that you are trying your best to find peace and figure out what is going on in your life, not just your marriage. I am in the same boat as we speak, currently doing both IC and MC. It is a rough process, but it is something that I have been needing for a very long time. And I am sure that you will find it necessary as well for you. Much like you, I never really witnessed a happy marriage with my parents, I actually didn't have parents so to speak. My siblings and I grew up without a father. Our mother dated a lot of different men, been married several times. It was really difficult to figure out how to build a happy marriage when I was never around one.

 

As for the guilt and lie, it would definitely put a huge rock on your shoulder. The confession will be hard and his reaction will be even harder. Just know that it is what needs to be done and you don't need to carry the guilt all your life.

 

You asked about life after the affair...my husband and I are currently separated, a choice we both agreed on. The reason is that we both have a lot of things to work on. I have a lot of things to work on. I have hurt my husband very badly and taken something away from him, and right now we are both working on getting our life back. Are we both happy? I am happy that my husband has given me another chance to work on having my family back. I am happy that I am finally able to face my demons and am dealing with it head on. As for marriage, no we are not in a place yet to say we are happy again. I am not sure if we will ever reach that place again, but I am praying hard that we do. We are taking things one step at a time.

 

As many of the people here who has been through a reconsiliation, they will tell you that it takes a long time to heal. My husband's wounds are still very fresh and we have our up and down days. I just know that I love him very much and I refuse to give up unless he tells me it's time to give up.

 

 

Kaly, Thank you for sharing. I believe I will figure out what is missing in my life if I keep trying.

 

I admire you that you know you love your husband, see my problem is I do not know if I love him or not. I loved him at the beginning of our M, and that disappeared silently long ago.

 

I know I have a long way to go: I need to sort myself clear before I disturb my poor H about the A.

[dreamlover]

Snoring can be a terrible problem and it should be treated (or an attempt at least).

 

 

This is the old peeling an onion and more and more layers presenting themselves.

 

Anthony, thank you for your response.

 

My H does not think snoring is a problem, thus he does not think it need to be addressed. He thinks that the person married him should be able to sleep under the "Thunder". After we have a house, I do not need to go to the hall way of the apparment in the mid of the night or sleep on the bothroom floor with a sleeping bag. I have my own room now.

 

By writing so much here, it feels like peeling an old onion. we have wrapped all the problem unsolved for years, I do not even know where to begin.

 

My H has totally differnt view about marriage, to have a wife --someone to cook for him, clean for him, to get sex from, to have children for him. He does not have the desire to deeply communicate to anyone. I, on the other hand, I need the deep connection, the affection and caring.

 

I am scared while I am writing this. We both have been ignoring or better yet dening all the issues between us.

 

The A that made me aware how much I missed and how big the issues are in my life.

 

I agree with many others, I have not been honest to my H, Neither to myself. I did not want to admit my M sucks, I want to pretend that we are ideal couple and we are a happy family.

 

Again, I have a long way to go.

[kaly6177]

Kaly, Thank you for sharing. I believe I will figure out what is missing in my life if I keep trying.

 

I admire you that you know you love your husband, see my problem is I do not know if I love him or not. I loved him at the beginning of our M, and that disappeared silently long ago.

 

I know I have a long way to go: I need to sort myself clear before I disturb my poor H about the A.

 

Dream,

 

The more you try the easier it will get to understand what it is you really need.

 

If you are really determined to not tell him yet about the affair, you need to at least let him know that you are unsure about your love for him, if yo haven't told him already. He needs to know that you are no longer sure if you still love him. That much he deserves from you. Just ask yourself this: if the table were turned, wouldn't you want him to tell you if he is unsure about his feelings for you? Wouldn't you want to be given a chance to make a decision whether you want to stay in a loveless marriage or start a new life and find love somewhere else?

 

Don't get me wrong, I by no means not telling you to hide the affair from your husband. I still believe that you need to tell him everything. He deserves to know.

[Dexter Morgan]

My H has totally differnt view about marriage, to have a wife --someone to cook for him, clean for him, to get sex from, to have children for him. He does not have the desire to deeply communicate to anyone. I, on the other hand, I need the deep connection, the affection and caring.

 

 

well there you go again.....its all his fault, he is the problem, and you are justified in cheating.

 

its obvious you have nothing but contempt for him, so why don't you do him a favor and leave the marriage?

 

I am scared while I am writing this. We both have been ignoring or better yet dening all the issues between us.

 

Well to hear you talk, the issues are all his fault.

 

So if you truly believe the problems in your marriage are 50/50....what is it that you did to contribute to the poor state of your marriage? Don't say poor communication, because thats a given and since you have a load of excuses as to why HE is the problem, you must have a load of reasons why you are the problem right? So what is it that you didn't do in the marriage?

[dreamlover]

My wife's affair occurred almost five years ago. WE're still together.

 

And yes, we're BOTH very happy with each other, and our marriage. We're very glad we worked through the issues and managed to save our marriage...and BOTH of us do indeed feel that way.

 

It CAN happen...a marriage CAN recover from infidelity, and the issues that contributed to that happening. I live in a marriage that is proof of that every day.

 

OWL, thank you for all your comments, although I do not agree some of your comments, but I appreciate your good intention.

 

As yuo see from my later posts, I admit I am not a hoest person, that is probablly a big flow on my personality, I guess that has something to do with my childhood, I grow up in a very tesive family enviorment, could not display my really feeling.

 

I guess your marrage must have better foundation than ours. I am sorry I can not help to defend again about me cheating. It was what missed in my M that made me cheat.

 

True, it was aginst the rule of the life game, I should have devoiced before I had the A. I agree.

 

I am happy for people like you and your wife who find the true happiness in their life.

 

I am on my way searching for my happiness now.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am sorry I can not help to defend again about me cheating. It was what missed in my M that made me cheat.

 

No, it was a lousy part of your character that "made [you] cheat".

 

I missed ALOT during my marriage, but you didn't see me going out and sticking my member in another woman.

[dreamlover]

well there you go again.....its all his fault, he is the problem, and you are justified in cheating.

 

its obvious you have nothing but contempt for him, so why don't you do him a favor and leave the marriage?

 

 

 

Well to hear you talk, the issues are all his fault.

 

So if you truly believe the problems in your marriage are 50/50....what is it that you did to contribute to the poor state of your marriage? Don't say poor communication, because thats a given and since you have a load of excuses as to why HE is the problem, you must have a load of reasons why you are the problem right? So what is it that you didn't do in the marriage?

 

Dexter, your coments are always aggresive. But it made me think. Thank you.

 

The 50% that am contributing is: that I had given up the love that I once had for him after struggling with all those seem "small" issues, I became a cold, careless and bitter wife. I became more and more selfish.

 

I could not find the person that I once was in me: I would do everything that I could to make him happy, but he took it a granted.

 

You are righ, my H does not live a happy life either, I am hard to be pleased, All I have in my heart was all the resentment that built up in me.

 

I am seeking a way to get over all that in my heart. I am seeking the forgiveness and peace to help me move on and be happy again.

[Owl]

You can only gain forgiveness by asking for it from the person you've wronged.

 

Which means that you'd need to tell your H about your affair, and seek forgiveness for it.

 

It would also be a good "first step" towards becoming that honest person you want to be.

[lostsoulmate]

You can only gain forgiveness by asking for it from the person you've wronged.

 

Which means that you'd need to tell your H about your affair, and seek forgiveness for it.

 

It would also be a good "first step" towards becoming that honest person you want to be.

 

The first person she wronged was herself.

I did the same thing.

I lived a lie, so I wouldn't have to face the fact that I didn't love my SO, I didn't love this life I thought other people envied.

I let myself down first and it was the affair that brought that to my attention.

I then tried to figure out why?

Why did I do this horrible, terrible thing?

I am unhappy I thought.

Now I am trying to figure out why.

Why do I resent him so much?

 

Dreamlover-You will make it through. Just remember whatever decisions you make they are the right ones for you regardless of the outcome!!!