lostsoulmate Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Tonight I am going to tell my fiance that I do not want to get married to him. I do not want this life "we" started. I want to be happy. I am not here, with him. I don't know if I would be there with him. It doesn't matter. If he won't compromise to help me be happy, should I stay? NO!!! I will have to leave my daughter with him so I can move back home. Get a job, house, stability. There is no other way...I don't want to leave her. Will she hate me? Will she want to come live with me once I have a stable environment for her? Will leaving her here with him hinder my chances to get custody if he fights me for her in court? We are not married, we do own a house and I will be moving 14 hours away by car. Life... bittersweet! Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 i'd be willing to bet(if i was a betting man)that YOU will lose custody of your daughter.you left, that's how the court will look at it. Link to post Share on other sites
SmartWoman321 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 How old is your daughter? I can't imagine leaving my daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Why would you choose to leave your daughter behind? EDIT: She's 5 or 6 or so..... I'd be interested, given your circumstances.... a daughter's place is with her mom, at a tender age. Sorry, but it's true. I agree you should end it. But not sure leaving your little girl behind is a good choice. At all. Link to post Share on other sites
Edna07 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I couldn't imagine leaving my kids. From what everyone tells me, yes, if you leave your daughter with him, this could hinder you getting custody later. I'm not sure of your entire situation though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 She is 4. I don't want to leave her. LET ME SAY IT AGAIN, I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE HER! He can't afford the house alone. I plan on helping him pay for it. I signed the papers too. He doesn't want to even try to sell it. I can't afford the house, a new place for me to live and a move back home with daughter in toe. Financially it is not possible. I can't live like this anymore. Do I strike a business deal with him? Live together as room-mates until I get enough money saved for the move? Yeah, I tried to get a second job a year or so back, to help pay down debt. He wouldn't have it. He told me he wasn't going to be a single parent. But do you think he offered to get a second job so our lives could be better, no he left to go dirt track racing, spending money left and right, while I stayed home, alone. I should have left a long time ago. Pulling on my big girl pants now. Link to post Share on other sites
Edna07 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Well, if you don't want to then don't. Find an alternate solution. Talk to a lawyer and see if you can quit-claim to get off the mortgage. If you are going back "home" don't you have family there? Would they be taking you in? Why wouldn't they take your daughter in? I guess I just don't understand why you can't bring her with you if that is what you want. Me personally... would never leave my kids. Ever. I'd live a miserable existence first before I would be without them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 Well, if you don't want to then don't. Find an alternate solution. Talk to a lawyer and see if you can quit-claim to get off the mortgage. If you are going back "home" don't you have family there? Would they be taking you in? Why wouldn't they take your daughter in? I guess I just don't understand why you can't bring her with you if that is what you want. Me personally... would never leave my kids. Ever. I'd live a miserable existence first before I would be without them. Yes, my entire family lives there. They will be taking me in. My big "if" is -if this goes to court, and I truly have no residence. Wouldn't they give custody to him? He has been at his job for over 11 years. He has never lived anywhere else. I am moving to a different state. Custody hearing would be here. I am just trying to make this as easy for her as possible. If she stayed with her dad until I got back on my feet, then/if she comes to live with me, she wouldn't of had to see the worst of it. She would have been safe at home with her dad. I think I just need to have the talk with my SO first about not getting married. Then figure out what to do next. I always jump the gun. Link to post Share on other sites
Edna07 Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Yes, you need to have that talk first and see how he reacts and then decide where to go from there. You may be putting the cart in front of the horse. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Where there's a will there's a way. It's not clear from your post but I assume she is your daughter from a different man and not your fiancees? Don't leave your daughter behind, you can find a way to make it work if you want to. My ex wife's mother left her and her sister with their dad suddenly one day. The abandonment issues and relationship problems were with her forever. Even though later my ex ended up living with her mom and step dad the damage was done. Her relationship with her mother and almost everyone else was difficult. So to be brutally honest? She may very well carry a huge amount of anger towards you and not trust you. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Your running from something you need to figure out what it is. Dont place the blame on him. And if the daughter is biologically yours and not his, just give him back his ring and tell him the truth, maybe in the long run he'll be better off with someone who wont be a coward and face their demons. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 No, she's his daughter. That is, the daughter of the guy she's leaving. They're not married. Link to post Share on other sites
zeppygigs Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 cuda is right on. Also, do not leave your daughter. I am dealing with the issues of a mother leaving her children. I feel for your future ex but do not leave until you both decide custody. It can get very messy when you try to leave the state. I think you both should try a mediator and find out what the laws of your state are. Link to post Share on other sites
mendsley Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 This is a tough one, when my wife left me to go 10 hours away she took all three of her kids with her. She had no plan, no job, no idea what the hell she was doing. All she knew was I was not what she wanted and she wanted to do what ever it took to leave me, come to find out it was becuase of another man, but that's besides the point It is hard to say for me but, it has worked out for her just fine. At first she stayed with a friend, found a job after a couple of weeks and after a month moved into her own house with all three boys and she tells me ALL the time how happy she is. I'm not saying this is what you should do I just want to give you an example of what has happened and how it worked out. One thing I am slowly learning in life is we make choices some choices are difficult and may not go as planned but you can be rest assured you will be OK Goood luck MIKE Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 5, 2009 Author Share Posted March 5, 2009 Your running from something you need to figure out what it is. Dont place the blame on him. And if the daughter is biologically yours and not his, just give him back his ring and tell him the truth, maybe in the long run he'll be better off with someone who wont be a coward and face their demons. I am not running this time. A individuals we have a moral right to be true to ourselves. Well, when you realize you are living a lie, one you thought would benefit everyone involved. Only to realize everyone else is so happy and you are dying on the inside. I am not a coward. I have faced many demons in my life. I have even laughed at death a time or two. She is his daughter. I have tried to give him the ring back. He doesn't think I am serious about moving home. He just keeps telling me things will get better. I will get back to normal. He would be better off with someone else. Someone who would love him that way he wants. He needs a "woman" who will stay in the house and do the "woman" jobs. I am will never be that kind of "woman". Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 5, 2009 Author Share Posted March 5, 2009 This is a tough one, when my wife left me to go 10 hours away she took all three of her kids with her. She had no plan, no job, no idea what the hell she was doing. All she knew was I was not what she wanted and she wanted to do what ever it took to leave me, come to find out it was becuase of another man, but that's besides the point It is hard to say for me but, it has worked out for her just fine. At first she stayed with a friend, found a job after a couple of weeks and after a month moved into her own house with all three boys and she tells me ALL the time how happy she is. I'm not saying this is what you should do I just want to give you an example of what has happened and how it worked out. One thing I am slowly learning in life is we make choices some choices are difficult and may not go as planned but you can be rest assured you will be OK Goood luck MIKE How often do you get to see your kids? Did you fight for custody? Did she move to another state? Link to post Share on other sites
SmartWoman321 Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Hm..in my state, one parent cannot move more than 100 miles from the other parent without that other parents permission. Its called the "100 mile rule". Unless the parent who is moving gets sole custody. If there is joint custody, you can't move that far away without permission. Even though you are not married, there WILL be a custody decision. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Why do you even post? You've made up your mind to leave and wreck this little girl's world. So what do you want from us? Validation? You talk about your "big girl pants" when all you do is run away from your troubles, most of which you have been the biggest creator of. To leave your daughter would, in the long run cause an enormous amount of mistrust between you and her. Why not stay and get your life together with her, be honest with her dad and try to be a mature person. OR, run away again and try to rationalize it. Link to post Share on other sites
SmartWoman321 Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 I agree. No matter what your reasoning is, it would be absolutely horrible to leave your daughter. Little girls are so in need of a mother, she would end up in therapy for a long time if youo left her. Its absolutely horrible that you would do this. There has to be another way. Put her needs before your own. DOn't destroy her life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 5, 2009 Author Share Posted March 5, 2009 Why do you even post? You've made up your mind to leave and wreck this little girl's world. So what do you want from us? Validation? You talk about your "big girl pants" when all you do is run away from your troubles, most of which you have been the biggest creator of. To leave your daughter would, in the long run cause an enormous amount of mistrust between you and her. Why not stay and get your life together with her, be honest with her dad and try to be a mature person. OR, run away again and try to rationalize it. I post to gather information. There are people out there that have been or are in my type of situation. I am trying to do the right thing by my daughter and myself. If I stay and remain unhappy end up resenting her father even more, what kind of life would that be for her? Her parents fighting and no loving each other. That is not something I want to teach her. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 You won't be able to teach her or influence her with anything, if you're not there. He on the other hand, will probably have a lot to say about you. Link to post Share on other sites
SmartWoman321 Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Agreed. No one is saying that you should stay in an unhappy situation. What people ARE saying is that it is wrong to leave your daughter. A little girl needs her mommy. Period. Find another way. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 You still don't seem to get it. At this point, your relationship is over. Your FIRST,LAST, and ONLY concern(for both of you) should be your daughter's welfare. She needs stability and time with BOTH of you to prepare her for the break up. Stay in the same house, save your money, come to a mature understanding with your ex (regarding your daughter) you don't have to love him and he does'nt have to love you, DO IT FOR YOUR LITTLE GIRL. Woman-up, stop thinking about yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 5, 2009 Author Share Posted March 5, 2009 You still don't seem to get it. At this point, your relationship is over. Your FIRST,LAST, and ONLY concern(for both of you) should be your daughter's welfare. She needs stability and time with BOTH of you to prepare her for the break up. Stay in the same house, save your money, come to a mature understanding with your ex (regarding your daughter) you don't have to love him and he does'nt have to love you, DO IT FOR YOUR LITTLE GIRL. Woman-up, stop thinking about yourself. Staying in the house doesn't save me money. I am the breadwinner (I pay most of the bills), I am willing to leave everything here for him so he doesn't have to start over. I am willing to take myself and my daughter with nothing and leave to move home today if I had to. Live with my parents, try to find work, a house, etc. BUT... I thought if she stayed with her dad for those few months while I establish a life for her and me, it might be better for her. She wouldn't have to see the unpleasantness that go along with hitting rock bottom and crawling to the top. (by that I mean... Me figuring out why I suck as a wife to be. Me figuring out why I had to find his mother dead. Me figuring out why I tried to be someone I am not.) My mother moved us every six months until I 13. I remember hating it. Wishing she would just let my brother and myself live with my dad and step-mom until she got on her feet again. It sucked living out of a car or hotel. Granted I would be moving in with my parents or brother at first. So it wouldn't be really ugly, but if she had a safe place (like our home that she is used to) to be while I figured out where I should be, wouldn't that be better? I have secured a place to live already (furnished, yeah!!!) but still need to get a job, daycare, school, doctor, etc. With my tainted past, I post to gather info. I have nothing (in my life) to compare this current situation too. My childhood was not normal by any means. I want hers to be as normal as her two screwed up parents can give her. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Find an alternate solution. Talk to a lawyer and see if you can quit-claim to get off the mortgage. A quit-claim will get you off the TITLE, from an ownership perspective, but that doesn't get you off the mortgage - that's a separate issue. Once you are committed to a mortgage, a bank doesn't let you walk away so easily; he may have to do a refinance, which would imply qualifying on his own, in order to get her off the mortgage. Link to post Share on other sites
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