Author lostsoulmate Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 I'm done with someone that is about to cordially #$%^ over a good father. IYO... finally! Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 If I'm wrong, then there will a 3rd scenario....one where you move, but leave custody to her father. But I don't think you are going to do that. I have wondered if about this scenario as well. I tried to get a second job last year (to pay off my student loan debt). He wouldn't let me, told me he wasn't going to be a single parent. I don't know if he would want full custody or not. I can't even get him to talk about if "we" are going to work, let alone what's going to happen to our daughter. All he has said about me moving, is he has thought about what would happen to our daughter. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't know what his feelings are about the matter. I think he thinks that I am just going to snap out of it and start acting like I used to, numb... like he wants me to. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 What you just said in your last post tells volumes about him and about you. His first reaction on hearing you were moving was to think about the welfare of his daughter. You on the other hand have, cheated, lied, did about every bad thing you could do to a man, and then blame HIM for it. Who do you think would make the better parent? The honest one or the lying cheater? You shouldn't have ever had children, you are way too selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 What you just said in your last post tells volumes about him and about you. His first reaction on hearing you were moving was to think about the welfare of his daughter. No, his first reaction was... I am not going with you. He told me he has thought about what would happen to our daughter only lately. You on the other hand have, cheated, lied, did about every bad thing you could do to a man, and then blame HIM for it. Who do you think would make the better parent? The honest one or the lying cheater? You shouldn't have ever had children, you are way too selfish. I am being selfish. I know it. Telling me I should not of had my daughter is harsh, but I get why you said it. I also know you don't know me or how I have lived my life (until the last three months). Making assumptions speaks volumes about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 OK - off on a slightly different angle... Here's what has me concerned about your situation, and why I keep asking why you have to move away to accomplish a separation from your fiancee and to pursue a happy life. As much as you wish to sever your tie to your fiancee from a spousal point of view, do you accept that the two of you will be linked forever in a parental relationship, as a consequence of the commitment you jointly took on to raise a child together? Or are you rejecting and trying to sever that relationship as well? Second question: Yes, I know the decision is mine to make. I wish my SO would take what I say seriously. To dismiss me sucks! If your SO did begin to understand and at least accept your departure, and work towards being "just" a father to your daughter, would that make it conceivable that you could stay in the area and build a productive (and possibly happy) life there? I'm still having trouble grasping your reasoning that "this-place-makes-me-unhappy" overrides your responsibility to do everything you can to keep both parents present in your daughter's life. The most dominant thing I hear seems to be that your move is driven by a perceived need to make a huge statement so that your SO will finally get that its over. A physical move is seldom a magic bullet that resolves the true issues that underlie substantial unhappiness - that takes separate work of its own. So in that context, why not do that work - become a complete and whole and independent person - in a place where your daughter can be near both parents? So I think we're all clear that you are proposing, effectively, to remove one of your daughter's parents from her life. Are your issues really so unresolvable in your current location that this is the only reasonable course of action? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 OK - off on a slightly different angle... Here's what has me concerned about your situation, and why I keep asking why you have to move away to accomplish a separation from your fiancee and to pursue a happy life. As much as you wish to sever your tie to your fiancee from a spousal point of view, do you accept that the two of you will be linked forever in a parental relationship, as a consequence of the commitment you jointly took on to raise a child together? Yes, I know we are linked forever because of our daughter. Or are you rejecting and trying to sever that relationship as well? I have never thought of it like that. Honestly I never thought I would be a mom. With what I went through during my childhood my only thought about children was, "if" I ever have any I want to give them what I didn't have. A stable family life. I feel like I have already failed at that. If your SO did begin to understand and at least accept your departure, and work towards being "just" a father to your daughter, would that make it conceivable that you could stay in the area and build a productive (and possibly happy) life there? I don't have an answer for this question. I can tell you part of the reason I want to go home is so that my daughter and myself have more support in our lives. I'm still having trouble grasping your reasoning that "this-place-makes-me-unhappy" overrides your responsibility to do everything you can to keep both parents present in your daughter's life. The most dominant thing I hear seems to be that your move is driven by a perceived need to make a huge statement so that your SO will finally get that its over. A physical move is seldom a magic bullet that resolves the true issues that underlie substantial unhappiness - that takes separate work of its own. So in that context, why not do that work - become a complete and whole and independent person - in a place where your daughter can be near both parents? IYO my biggest responsibility in life is to make sure my daughter's father is in her life I should forgo my happiness and just suck it up. Be unhappy in life, is that what you are asking me? I know how selfish it is for me to want to be happy and even more for trying to be happy. But raising my daughter as someone who is unhappy perhaps depressed is not a good thing. I wouldn't/haven't been a very mother as of late. Too much crying, numbness. I start IC in 10 days. So I think we're all clear that you are proposing, effectively, to remove one of your daughter's parents from her life. Are your issues really so unresolvable in your current location that this is the only reasonable course of action? IMO yes. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 I'm still having trouble grasping your reasoning that "this-place-makes-me-unhappy" overrides your responsibility to do everything you can to keep both parents present in your daughter's life. Trimmer.....its no use. Give up the ghost. So I think we're all clear that you are proposing, effectively, to remove one of your daughter's parents from her life. You saw that too eh? Link to post Share on other sites
Sam Spade Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I am not running this time. A individuals we have a moral right to be true to ourselves. Well, when you realize you are living a lie, one you thought would benefit everyone involved. Only to realize everyone else is so happy and you are dying on the inside. I am not a coward. I have faced many demons in my life. I have even laughed at death a time or two. She is his daughter. I have tried to give him the ring back. He doesn't think I am serious about moving home. He just keeps telling me things will get better. I will get back to normal. He would be better off with someone else. Someone who would love him that way he wants. He needs a "woman" who will stay in the house and do the "woman" jobs. I am will never be that kind of "woman". Just so you know, there is a lot of insanity that could be disguised behind the "being true to yourself" catch-all. I've seen it many times, ant it ain't pretty Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 Just so you know, there is a lot of insanity that could be disguised behind the "being true to yourself" catch-all. I've seen it many times, ant it ain't pretty Tell me about it. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 So what has changed lately in your situation, lsm? What reaction do you expect from your husband? You want him to acknowledge you unhappiness? What do you want from him? Understanding? What is your opinion on all this? What matters to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 So what has changed lately in your situation, lsm? Nothing. I sit in limbo. I start IC next week. What reaction do you expect from your husband? You want him to acknowledge you unhappiness? What do you want from him? Understanding? He is not my husband, I don't expect anything from him anymore. He doesn't acknowledge my unhappiness already. I don't want anything from him. What is your opinion on all this? What matters to you? Is this a trap TIY? From what most people have said here, it doesn't matter what I think or what matters to me. I am just a selfish b*tch that doesn't deserve much. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Haha, I'm not here to trap you. I'm here to help. I don't usually come on here to judge people for the decisions they make. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 I don't usually come on here to judge people for the decisions they make. I still owe you $25 bucks. Link to post Share on other sites
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I still owe you $25 bucks. I think that would mean, you talked to him on the phone for an hour then, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 I think that would mean' date=' you talked to him on the phone for an hour then, right? [/quote'] Something like that. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I think time and patience are on your side, lsm. You have enough wisdom to think this through. You can and are considering the impact on your child and that's saying more about you than anything. The irony is, you probably feel powerless, yet you have all the power in this decision. We all wield incredible influence and power in our relationships, as individuals. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 I think time and patience are on your side, lsm. You have enough wisdom to think this through. You can and are considering the impact on your child and that's saying more about you than anything. The irony is, you probably feel powerless, yet you have all the power in this decision. We all wield incredible influence and power in our relationships, as individuals. What do you think? I am reading "Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. Best thing that has happened so far. This book has really helped me. And, it is about why the "you" in "your" life has to come first. Not matter what! I love that, the selfish little b*tch that I am! Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I am reading "Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. Best thing that has happened so far. This book has really helped me. And, it is about why the "you" in "your" life has to come first. Not matter what! I love that, the selfish little b*tch that I am! LOL, sweet. Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 So why agonise about it lsm? You know what you don't want and that is final. You need to now start negotiating how your ex can have access to his daughter. It is really that simple. Do not blame him for your unhappiness. The sooner you set the man free, the better it will be for him. IC is a separate issue that only concerns you. So where is the problem? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I disagree completely. If she knew what she wanted she wouldn't be posting here, putting herself and her situation out for everyone to comment on, now would she? Also, the man you married, lsm, is doing exactly what I would be doing. He's giving you space to explore what you want. If you're not sure what you want, how can he help you? Other than to validate your unhappiness by trying to convince you not to leave? I think if he truly loved you, he would want you to be happy regardless of whether it was with him or without him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 Also, the man you married, lsm, is doing exactly what I would be doing. He's giving you space to explore what you want. Not married! Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 20, 2009 Author Share Posted March 20, 2009 We finally say down like the two adults we are. We decided together not to get married. I am looking for a job back home. I have a place to live already. He wants me to take our daughter. He said I have more to offer her there, than he does here. And he wants her to know she has family. He doesn't ever want her to feel like he does. No family, no loving support. He didn't cry. I was a complete mess. I will miss him. Is situation hasn't been fair to either of us. We both understand that. It is for the best, for all of us. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 Keep your head up. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 20, 2009 Share Posted March 20, 2009 We finally say down like the two adults we are. We decided together not to get married. Thank god!!! I am looking for a job back home. I have a place to live already. He wants me to take our daughter. He said I have more to offer her there, than he does here. And he wants her to know she has family. He doesn't ever want her to feel like he does. No family, no loving support. He didn't cry. I was a complete mess. I will miss him. Is situation hasn't been fair to either of us. We both understand that. It is for the best, for all of us. don't kid yourself, it isn't the best for him and his daughter, no matter how well he plays it off. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 21, 2009 Share Posted March 21, 2009 Why are you crying you got what you wanted!!!?? that doesnt make sense arent you relieved? now you can be free to do and persue whoever and whatever you want, right? Link to post Share on other sites
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