At the point of no return

[Edna07]

I think she is looking for someone else's permission.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

You are the only one who has told me to stay in contact with him???

 

Yes, because you need to kill the fantasy, rather than entertain thoughts of how much better the fantasy can be.

 

I will say again. I am not leaving him for the OM. I am leaving for myself and for my SO. He deserves someone who will be happy here with him. I am not.

 

Rationalize it however you want. Happiness is a matter of perspective. The next thing I will hear is you were never happy. You never loved him, etc. I've heard enough posts to know that you are retroactively remembering things to fit your current emotional state. People do that. It's just the way we are wired.

 

...{snip}...Does he know you are moving out?

 

Does he have any idea you are moving out? I know you told him you are unhappy, but he does not know nearly enough. ie, you are moving out, about the OM, etc

 

When I first read TIY's post saying you should be with the OM all day every day, I immediately understood what he was implying. IE. the grass is NOT always greener!

 

My wife and I, along with our two youngest daughters saw the movie Coraline last week. As we were driving away from the theatre, I simply stated "that movie could be a metaphor for anything in one's life where the grass appears to be greener, be it a job, OM, OW, other home, etc etc..." Her response was, "oh you mean, if I think the other man has so much more to offer, but then once I am there as his full time partner, I begin to see all of the weeds in the grass and how hard it is to tend to." I hope you get that. In an ideal situation you would work on your existing relationship before you decide to leave - but you've already been through that in this thread...

[lostsoulmate]

Does he have any idea you are moving out? I know you told him you are unhappy' date=' but he does not know nearly enough. ie, you are moving out, about the OM, etc[/quote']

 

He knows I want to move, that I am unhappy. No, he doesn't know about the OM.

 

In an ideal situation you would work on your existing relationship before you decide to leave - but you've already been through that in this thread...

 

I have tried to work on this relationship.

Key word there is "I".

He tells me things like, I am meeting all his needs. He doesn't think there is anything wrong, but he knows I am mad at him.

He says, I did the dishes and cleaned the toilet.

 

I am done trying.

 

Bullsh*t!

[TrustInYourself]

He knows I want to move, that I am unhappy. No, he doesn't know about the OM.

 

 

 

I have tried to work on this relationship.

Key word there is "I".

He tells me things like, I am meeting all his needs. He doesn't think there is anything wrong, but he knows I am mad at him.

He says, I did the dishes and cleaned the toilet.

 

I am done trying.

 

Bullsh*t!

 

Who are you talking to when you say bullsh*t? Yourself or him? Why are you done trying? I am confused to what you want and you've been relatively open and honest with me. How would he know what you want without you precisely asking for it specifically? Is he supposed to know just because you think it?

[lostsoulmate]

Who are you talking to when you say bullsh*t? Yourself or him? Why are you done trying? I am confused to what you want and you've been relatively open and honest with me. How would he know what you want without you precisely asking for it specifically? Is he supposed to know just because you think it?

 

I did the individual couples therapy workbooks. They suggested we write notes to each other about specific things that we felt were not being met. I wrote notes, waited for him to write back. He didn't. I asked why, he said he didn't have anything to write. I was meeting all his needs.

 

I have told him over the years that I was unhappy. He never seemed to care. I asked him to go to MC, he thinks it would be stupid to spend money on that. When he told me that I did tell him I thought he was giving up on "us".

 

I am tired of feeling like this. So I yell bullsh*t to myself.

[TrustInYourself]

Put him on here and let me talk to him.

[lostsoulmate]

Put him on here and let me talk to him.

 

What would you say to him that I already haven't?

[TrustInYourself]

Run like the wind.

[lostsoulmate]

Yeah, except he won't run anywhere.

 

I (according to many here) am the one running. He does deserve someone better than me.

[Dexter Morgan]

Tonight I am going to tell my fiance that I do not want to get married to him. I do not want this life "we" started.

 

I think thats a good idea.

 

 

If he won't compromise to help me be happy, should I stay? NO!!!

 

If he won't compromise? Didn't you tell him you wanted to move far away back to your hometown and he said no?

 

If you want to move, and he doesn't, but you say HE doesn't want to compromise....just what IS the compromise?

 

 

I will have to leave my daughter with him so I can move back home. Get a job, house, stability. There is no other way...I don't want to leave her.

Will she hate me?

 

Well its really a double edged sword. She may, she may not. But if you took her from her father...she could hate you for doing that too.

 

I think kids get over it eventually.

 

 

Will she want to come live with me once I have a stable environment for her?

 

So use the father until you get on your feet, then take her away from him and vice versa?

 

If you want her with you, as lousy as I think taking her away from her father would be because YOU want to move, then just take her from the get go. You have family that should be able to help with her while you are getting on your feet.

 

don't let her father have her out of convenience for you, then take it away when all is going well for you. Leave her, or don't leave her.

 

 

Will leaving her here with him hinder my chances to get custody if he fights me for her in court?

 

It could, but I seriously doubt it. He has a penis. That is the biggest strike against him.

[Dexter Morgan]

What would you say to him that I already haven't?

 

That you are a cheater??

[TrustInYourself]

Meh. I'm getting burnt out reading this stuff.

[lostsoulmate]

That you are a cheater??

 

 

I know what you would tell him.

[lostsoulmate]

Meh. I'm getting burnt out reading this stuff.

 

TIY,

 

Thank you for your opinions, sorry you're burnt out.

[pelicanpreacher]

I read your original thread and a few things popped out at me.

 

1) Your fiancee was completely comfortable with the notion of moving you 14 hours away from your own family but didn't seem to harken to that thinking for his own well being by relocating back to his hometown to stay close to his own family and friends, did he?! His comment to the effect that he knew you would try to get him to relocate with you back to your hometown is currently a reflection of what he did to you by removing you from there because of his own insecurities about whatever inadequecies he perceives in himself in comparison to the crowd you used to hang with. There is zero way he'll do it if he ever gets wind of your infidelity!

 

2) He seemed upset that you would confide in your own family about your feelings regarding your relationship with him but didn't hesitate to confide with his father when he overheard you discussing your situation with your family over the phone. He also has no problem with using the fact that his father cried at the news of your feelings towards him and was indignant that you decided to avoid his father's company when trying to sort out your problems but still all-the-while refusing to expose himself to the same level of scrutiny by your own extended family.

 

3) He doesn't seem like he is willing to sacrifice time and energy away from his moto-cross hobby in deference to his relationship with you because he believes that the surrogate support network of his family and friends should suffice to keep you company in his long absences. I also think that this arrangement is designed to isolate and control your thoughts from wandering to family back home while leaving him free to live the life of "Riley" because as long as he is happy and satisfied then he feels you need to grow up and accept your station in life to support him in whatever endeavors he chooses to pursue no matter what you feel or perceive.

 

I am going to play Solomon and "split the baby" by suggesting that you break out a map and find a location that is 14 hours away from both families in which to relocate and see how he feels about that. You are to also demand that he sell the motorcycle and pledge to forsake that hobby in deference to the family he started now and forever. This way you will both have only each other to rely upon to meet each other's needs, you'll have true quality time to spend and grow together, and any friends you acquire along the way will be new and hopefully mutual to the both of you. On the other hand, you must admit that you still hold strong feeling for your ex back in your hometown that must be sorted out before you can fully commit to an enduring relationship with him. You, therefore, cannot even consider marrying him until you know for sure what you have, what you want, what you need, what you feel, and what you can afford to lose. If he inquires as to those feelings I believe you are obligated to tell him the truth of what transpired the last time you went home and let the chips fall where they may!

 

In any case, if you are determined to leave and its not for the sake of your EX back in your hometown then move out of the home and find an apartment nearby so that the both you and your fiancee have constant involvement in your daughter's life. Then you are free to go back to your hometown anytime you like to visit with family and friends without guilt, remorse, or impingements of morality regarding the concerns of your ex-fiancee.

 

PS. That story of the EX just happening to show up at the home of his sister (best friend's sister?) when you happened to visit her while in town visiting sick relatives is too full of holes to comment on so we'll just leave that bullsh#t by the road, okay! Mistake, HAH!!!

[Dack]

I've been reading around, looking for stories that parallel my own, in hopes of finding strength and courage for my own situation and wandered into this thread. I apologize to mods if this post steps out of line, and by all means, they can delete this if it is out of line, but ...

 

After the initial shock of seeing a mother wishing to leave her young child behind, and since it seems like you've already made your mind up to leave her behind, I've decided to give you all thumbs up (and then some) on leaving her with her father. That bit of advice doesn't come easy and certainly doesn't come without heaviness on my mother heart, but that's the best of my mother heart that I can give to your darling little girl.

 

Since you've made it clear that you won't be happy bringing her with you, then please be fair to her and leave her with her father. I don't see anything good on behalf of the child who's parent begrudgingly takes the child with them on a treasure hunt. Go do what you gotta do for you and don't go through the motions of taking a 2nd though about it -- your baby's clearly in good hands, bless her precious little heart.

 

You have my FULL and COMPLETE backing in this. Yes, you should go and leave her behind.

 

Good luck and I hope your new beau turns out to be everything you've always wanted in a man and then some.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I've been reading around, looking for stories that parallel my own, in hopes of finding strength and courage for my own situation and wandered into this thread. I apologize to mods if this post steps out of line, and by all means, they can delete this if it is out of line, but ...

 

After the initial shock of seeing a mother wishing to leave her young child behind, and since it seems like you've already made your mind up to leave her behind, I've decided to give you all thumbs up (and then some) on leaving her with her father. That bit of advice doesn't come easy and certainly doesn't come without heaviness on my mother heart, but that's the best of my mother heart that I can give to your darling little girl.

 

Since you've made it clear that you won't be happy bringing her with you, then please be fair to her and leave her with her father. I don't see anything good on behalf of the child who's parent begrudgingly takes the child with them on a treasure hunt. Go do what you gotta do for you and don't go through the motions of taking a 2nd though about it -- your baby's clearly in good hands, bless her precious little heart.

 

You have my FULL and COMPLETE backing in this. Yes, you should go and leave her behind.

 

Good luck and I hope your new beau turns out to be everything you've always wanted in a man and then some.

 

...Your joking right??? tell me your joking?

[Dirkus]

Lostsoulmate Regardless of all the moral judgment you've been inundated with the legal fact is if you leave without your daughter you run a serious risk of losing custody.

 

If he's a good dad then he should remain a big part of her life. Clearly your not happy and feel you've gone more than half way but you still have to think clearly and rationally about the long term picture concerning your daughter.

[Dack]

...Your joking right??? tell me your joking?

The whole focus and first priority in life should be our children. They deserve everything good from both parents, even when both parents can't give good things to each other.

 

How we love our children should never be dependent upon how we love or don't love our partners or anyone else, for that matter. Children have an entire section of love set apart for them, and them alone. This is the "selfless" love. The love that keeps on giving.

 

Our children are our future and should be first priority of the heart.

 

In light of that, do you see anything good in her daughter's future if the mother has decided that her OM ventures are better off without her daughter -- and that she doesn't want her daughter involved in watching her carve out her "new" life? Do you think it's good teaching material to allow your daughter to see that mommy has left her daddy for another man?

 

If this mother was out to make a new life for herself without the OM, then the benefits of her daughter being a part of that would be invaluable to her daughter's future. Her daughter will respect and know that her mother is a strong individual -- certainly a role model that any daughter would appreciate and may mold her life views with the mother's modeled inner strength. There is no excuse for a mother to leave her child behind while she's "getting herself together", unless, of course, the mother is conducting herself in a manner that she doesn't want the father to ever find out.

 

Clearly, this mother has no intentions on telling her fiancee that she's been cheating on him -- and intends to keep it that way. After awhile, she can conveniently tell her "ex" that she never cheated on him and that the relationship budded after she moved back home.

 

I see nothing good for the daughter if the mother doesn't want to share her life experiences with her. The mother may hold resentment toward her daughter and end up viewing her as an intruder. Not a good thing. The mother may also eventually end up using her daughter to manipulate her daughter's father for money, be a communication line between she and her daughter's father or for whatever else.

 

I just don't see convincing someone to take their daughter with them if they don't want to. Nothing good on behalf of the daughter could come from it. It's unbeneficial to all parties involved.

 

I say: Let this mother go in peace and don't try to talk her into anything else. This is ultimately her decision, and she obviously made this decision before she even came in here. Let it be. The daughter may be much better off for it --

 

I don't know the poster in here, but this is all that I'm gathering from these posts. I could be wrong about all of this, but it's highly unlikely that I am.

 

If she wants her daughter, she'll bring her along with her. If not, then let the girl stay in a stable and established environment.

 

In good conscience toward the daughter, I couldn't give out any other advice than what I've given.

 

For every action, there is a reaction.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Wow seeing from your perspective has been enlightening. I think if that's the case maybe she does need to leave but i dont think she should completely abanddon her child you know, Let the father have physical custody but she have visitation.

 

Doesnt that sound better, it sounds like it's her guilt talking that she wants to leave. I think it's cowardly what she's doing but the only that can control her is herself. sad isnt it?

[Dack]

Wow seeing from your perspective has been enlightening. I think if that's the case maybe she does need to leave but i dont think she should completely abanddon her child you know, Let the father have physical custody but she have visitation.

 

Doesnt that sound better, it sounds like it's her guilt talking that she wants to leave. I think it's cowardly what she's doing but the only that can control her is herself. sad isnt it?

I agree that the father should allow her unonditional visitation. I just don't think that the daughter would be best served living with a parent who's "rebuilding without the OM" plans doesn't include her. This mother is doing her daughter a great favor by leaving her behind. I commend her for that.

 

My 20 yr old's mother gave her children to their fathers. It was the best thing she ever did toward any of them -- well, except for her 11 yr old. Living conditions for him isn't all that great. She couldn't get rid of her out of control 21 yr old when he was little beause she couldn't find his father and, no one could handle him because of her lack of parenting abilities. She's a good hearted woman but just didn't want the responsibility of her children while she was busy "finding the right man" -- and, after having gone through many (much older, much younger, same age), she still hasn't found him after all of these years. They were always calling the cops on each other. Very sad, indeed. His grandparents had him for awhile but had to return him because he got too much for even them -- and they're very patient, loving and kind people who'll do anything for you.

 

She did my 20 yr old baby a favor by giving her to my hubs before we met. My 20 yr old is not only a well-rounded individual, but, she's going to make a great and well-balanced mom in 6 months.

 

Had my daughter stayed with her biological, there's no telling. The mother moves around as much as she changes men and mostly lives with other people, some of them not so desirable. What kind of a life is that for a child? I honestly believe that her biological mother loves all of her children -- I truly do believe that. Her life just has no room for caring for her own children. She's done the right thing by them, as I truly believe that this woman is doing by her daughter by leaving her with the father, also. I wish her luck in her endeavors and hope that life is everything she's looking for it to be.

[pelicanpreacher]

I agree that the father should allow her unonditional visitation. I just don't think that the daughter would be best served living with a parent who's "rebuilding without the OM" plans doesn't include her. This mother is doing her daughter a great favor by leaving her behind. I commend her for that.

 

My 20 yr old's mother gave her children to their fathers. It was the best thing she ever did toward any of them -- well, except for her 11 yr old. Living conditions for him isn't all that great. She couldn't get rid of her out of control 21 yr old when he was little beause she couldn't find his father and, no one could handle him because of her lack of parenting abilities. She's a good hearted woman but just didn't want the responsibility of her children while she was busy "finding the right man" -- and, after having gone through many (much older, much younger, same age), she still hasn't found him after all of these years. They were always calling the cops on each other. Very sad, indeed. His grandparents had him for awhile but had to return him because he got too much for even them -- and they're very patient, loving and kind people who'll do anything for you.

 

She did my 20 yr old baby a favor by giving her to my hubs before we met. My 20 yr old is not only a well-rounded individual, but, she's going to make a great and well-balanced mom in 6 months.

 

Had my daughter stayed with her biological, there's no telling. The mother moves around as much as she changes men and mostly lives with other people, some of them not so desirable. What kind of a life is that for a child? I honestly believe that her biological mother loves all of her children -- I truly do believe that. Her life just has no room for caring for her own children. She's done the right thing by them, as I truly believe that this woman is doing by her daughter by leaving her with the father, also. I wish her luck in her endeavors and hope that life is everything she's looking for it to be.

 

The questions that beg though is, that after all these years, how does your stepdaughter truly feel about her mother now? Does she love and yearn to build a mother-daughter relationship with her? Does she respect her on any level? Is she feeling voided by unanswered questions as to how her mother feels about her? Will she seek to motivate a relationship between her and the newborn child? What type of role does she envision her mother to take in the rest of their lives?

[Dack]

The questions that beg though is, that after all these years, how does your stepdaughter truly feel about her mother now? Does she love and yearn to build a mother-daughter relationship with her? Does she respect her on any level? Is she feeling voided by unanswered questions as to how her mother feels about her? Will she seek to motivate a relationship between her and the newborn child? What type of role does she envision her mother to take in the rest of their lives?

While she loves her biological (I say that because I am also her mother), she doesn't respect her as a mother, but, she doesn't say bad things about her -- that speaks volumes. Her mother has no problems sharing her with me and calls her "our" daughter -- I'm fine with that. Her mother isn't a bad person at all, but ... she just isn't the type of mother for anyone to model themselves after. This very well may be the case for this poster in here -- she's probably an amazing human being, but doesn't want the responsibility of having her daughter living with her. It's wrong, but again, as I've said before, her daughter may very well be better off by giving her mother the thumbs up to leave her with her stable and loving father.

 

Also, please take into consideration that even though she handed my daughter over to my husband, it doesn't mean that she wasn't a part of her life. She very much was always a part of her life. Unfortunately, "our" daughter has always been her favorite, and I certainly don't want to get going on the "playing favorites" thing that I think is emotional abuse, no matter who's the one doing it.

 

My daughter will have no problem with allowing her mother to have a relationship with her baby -- neither will I because her mother won't be the one raising the child. She's not a harmful gal -- on the contrary -- would do anything for you -- and, she'll be spending plenty of money on the grandbaby -- as long as she doesn't HAVE to raise him/her --

[lostsoulmate]

1) Your fiancee was completely comfortable with the notion of moving you 14 hours away from your own family but didn't seem to harken to that thinking for his own well being by relocating back to his hometown to stay close to his own family and friends, did he?! His comment to the effect that he knew you would try to get him to relocate with you back to your hometown is currently a reflection of what he did to you by removing you from there because of his own insecurities about whatever inadequecies he perceives in himself in comparison to the crowd you used to hang with. There is zero way he'll do it if he ever gets wind of your infidelity!

 

I moved here, met my SO after three months. He has never lived anywhere else.

 

2) He seemed upset that you would confide in your own family about your feelings regarding your relationship with him but didn't hesitate to confide with his father when he overheard you discussing your situation with your family over the phone. He also has no problem with using the fact that his father cried at the news of your feelings towards him and was indignant that you decided to avoid his father's company when trying to sort out your problems but still all-the-while refusing to expose himself to the same level of scrutiny by your own extended family.

 

This is a control issue, right?

 

3) He doesn't seem like he is willing to sacrifice time and energy away from his moto-cross hobby in deference to his relationship with you because he believes that the surrogate support network of his family and friends should suffice to keep you company in his long absences. I also think that this arrangement is designed to isolate and control your thoughts from wandering to family back home while leaving him free to live the life of "Riley" because as long as he is happy and satisfied then he feels you need to grow up and accept your station in life to support him in whatever endeavors he chooses to pursue no matter what you feel or perceive.

 

They all go racing. So even when he lives me, there are none of his family that I can call!

 

I am going to play Solomon and "split the baby" by suggesting that you break out a map and find a location that is 14 hours away from both families in which to relocate and see how he feels about that. You are to also demand that he sell the motorcycle and pledge to forsake that hobby in deference to the family he started now and forever. This way you will both have only each other to rely upon to meet each other's needs, you'll have true quality time to spend and grow together, and any friends you acquire along the way will be new and hopefully mutual to the both of you. On the other hand, you must admit that you still hold strong feeling for your ex back in your hometown that must be sorted out before you can fully commit to an enduring relationship with him. You, therefore, cannot even consider marrying him until you know for sure what you have, what you want, what you need, what you feel, and what you can afford to lose. If he inquires as to those feelings I believe you are obligated to tell him the truth of what transpired the last time you went home and let the chips fall where they may!

 

I am not the right woman for him. He will never quit racing. Ever. He also will not move. I tried to ask him about moving half way between. So we are closer to my family and still close to his. He says no. He is not leaving now or ever.

[Dexter Morgan]

I know what you would tell him.

 

You bet, he deserves to know. He deserves to know he is with to an unfaithful "woman".

 

I'd also tell him that your idea of "compromise" is that you want to move, and if he doesn't then he isn't compromising. Its all about you.

 

I'd still like to know what your idea of "compromise" is when you want to move and he doesn't. Move half way? Or all the way and YOUR way?