Author lostsoulmate Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 In light of that, do you see anything good in her daughter's future if the mother has decided that her OM ventures are better off without her daughter -- and that she doesn't want her daughter involved in watching her carve out her "new" life? Do you think it's good teaching material to allow your daughter to see that mommy has left her daddy for another man? I am not nor will I be going to the OM. Being with him was the catalist to me realizing I was this unhappy. I knew I was unhappy, I hadn't let myself truly realize how bad it was until I did this unfathomable act. I still can't believe I did it. I am scum. I hated cheaters, I still do, so I hate myself on top of everything else. It truly only does make things worse. I have been the BS before, that is part of the reason I won't tell. I wish I never would have found out about the cheating when it happen to me. I could have just dealt with the spilt! If this mother was out to make a new life for herself without the OM, then the benefits of her daughter being a part of that would be invaluable to her daughter's future. Her daughter will respect and know that her mother is a strong individual -- certainly a role model that any daughter would appreciate and may mold her life views with the mother's modeled inner strength. There is no excuse for a mother to leave her child behind while she's "getting herself together", unless, of course, the mother is conducting herself in a manner that she doesn't want the father to ever find out. I have many demons to face, getting myself together involves more than just moving, finding a place to live, a job, etc. I watched his mother scream for her life. She was screaming to live and I couldn't saver her, the EMT's couldn't save her. Thank god I got my daughter out of the room before she could she her grandma that way. Because my SO was her son, I really haven't been able to talkt to anyone. I did try to talk to my SO about what happened that day. He gets really upset with me, starts saying things like, "was she talking to you?" "did you tell her we loved her and goodbye?" WTF?!!?? I was on the phone with 911 trying to make sure our daughter didn't come in there. I should have told her we loved her. I see nothing good for the daughter if the mother doesn't want to share her life experiences with her. The mother may hold resentment toward her daughter and end up viewing her as an intruder. Not a good thing. The mother may also eventually end up using her daughter to manipulate her daughter's father for money, be a communication line between she and her daughter's father or for whatever else. I don't resent her, nor will I ever. She is the light of my life. I would never use her to get anything from my SO. I only thing I want is for him to continuing being a great father. I just want to not feel like I am going crazy anymore. Over the past two years "we" my SO and I have been through some very traumatic events. And, as someone who lived my childhood, I know how incredibly important counseling can be. I know I need to go see someone, especially about finding my SO's mother almost dead, then her dying right there. But he doesn't think people should go talk to someone unless they're "crazy". Maybe I am. I can't go to talk to someone until we figure out what we are going to do. If I went and he knew he would use it against me if we go to court over custody. STUCK. I know which direction I should go, just not the best way to get there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 I called a therapist today over lunch. I will start going in a few weeks. If he uses me "getting help" to get custody of my daughter, when/if things between us do not work, then that is the way it is. Thank you for all your opinions. LSM Link to post Share on other sites
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 I called a therapist today over lunch. I will start going in a few weeks. Great move! Again I wish you and your family the best of luck... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 I called a therapist today over lunch. I will start going in a few weeks. If he uses me "getting help" to get custody of my daughter, when/if things between us do not work, then that is the way it is. Thank you for all your opinions. LSM Great you're paying someone to agree with you and rationalize your emotions and ensure that your actions are legitimized through "professional" help. Pay me $25 bucks an hour so I can listen to you and agree with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 Great you're paying someone to agree with you and rationalize your emotions and ensure that your actions are legitimized through "professional" help. Pay me $25 bucks an hour so I can listen to you and agree with you. I PM'd you. Seeking help is nothing to be ashamed about! Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 One thing I have to commend you on LSM is that by speaking here and seeking professional advice you're approaching your decision with a lot more introspection than you've demonstrated in the past. I know that the pull of your family back home is strong but I still don't understand why you can't get an apartment locally, maintain an amicable relationship with your stbx, remain in your daughter's life, and visit your family back home whenever you have the time and can afford to while taking your time to work on securing a job in your field back there from your present location when one opens up. I kind of find your inclination to abandon all and run back home without a plan or anything set up to be impetuous unless the primary impetus of you're true intentions is to resume an affair with the OM! Link to post Share on other sites
Dirkus Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Seeking help is nothing to be ashamed about! You're absolutely right. I can be, a pseudo macho jerk at times but counseling saved my life. It cannot hurt. And I don't believe it will damage your pursuit of custody either. You can always accurately say that these are emotionally trying times and you're seeking professional help to stay as level headed as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 One thing I have to commend you on LSM is that by speaking here and seeking professional advice you're approaching your decision with a lot more introspection than you've demonstrated in the past. I know that the pull of your family back home is strong but I still don't understand why you can't get an apartment locally, maintain an amicable relationship with your stbx, remain in your daughter's life, and visit your family back home whenever you have the time and can afford to while taking your time to work on securing a job in your field back there from your present location when one opens up. Thank you. I want my daughter to know her family. Yes, I know my SO and I are her family. I never had my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc in my life. Not until I was 12. I want her to know her family. She has 3 sets of great-grandparents, a set of grandparents, a great aunt (who would be her primary babysitter), a great aunt & uncle, 2 aunts, 1 uncle, 4 cousins, and many second cousins all living in the same town. That is the best support system anyone could ever want. Having so much family around is something my SO and I never had. It would be so beneficial to her. Living here is part of my unhappiness. I am very open-minded, in my political, personal, and religious views. My SO is fairly open-minded, but the community is not. I have to be very careful who I talk to. I could lost my job if they found out I have two gays aunts. I might even be fired for not being a christian. AHHHH! I was taught (after living with my dad and step-mother) that everyone has the right to their own opinion. Judging people because of skin color, religious preference, sexual preference, or for what they are wearing is wrong. People are just people. That is not how this community is. I pretend to be someone I am not every day at work, then go home and pretend to be someone I am not. I tried very hard from the beginning to be the tyoe of woman my SO wanted (or at least what I thought he wanted). That is not his fault, but mine. Over the years, I did try to tell him my needs were not being met. I can go the shoulda, coulda, woulda, route, but that is stupid. I made this bed, I must lie in it. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Okay, now we're getting somewhere. I can certainly appreciate your disdain and discomfort in finding yourself somewhat trapped in places and circumstances of your own making so I do empathize. It is crucial, therefore, now knowing what you want and don't want for your life to emulate the spider and show patience. With one careful step at a time you can achieve your freedom, goals, and happiness again with minimal disruption to your life, your stbx's, or your daughter's. Trust me in that by biding your time to web your bridges you'll find extricating yourself from this situation to be smoother and less traumatic for all involved by avoiding the typical angst created by abrupt change. By approaching this without compromising your integrity or creating unnecessary strife you allow yourself an opportunity to make the transitions you strive for without sabotaging your past, current, and future relationships which may allow you to maintain bonds of continuity that will hopefully elicit and maintain harmony and respect for and from all those you love and who love you in the days to come. GL. Link to post Share on other sites
StrikeTwo Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Lost My little sister left her daughter and her son when she separated from her ex-husband several years ago. Without going into all the details of the story I will say this; in the long run her daughter felt abandoned. As she has turned into the young adult side of being a teenager she has turned out to be a severely disturbed child. I realize everyones circumstance and environment is different, and there were other factors involved in this child turning into what she has become, but I am throwing this out as a warning from my own experience as a child of divorce and watching my niece and nephew be children of divorce; I would highly recommend no matter how bad you might want out if you want to keep your child, do not leave her behind. You are not married, but since both of your names are on the loan your solutions are for one of you to get the house refinanced in just your or his name OR sell the house. I strongly suggest even though you are not married you will want to find an attorney and get a free consult before you make any decisions regarding moving out and leaving your child behind. As hard as it will be you need to set your emotions aside and try to be as logical about all this as possible. It is good you are getting help with a counselor. I really hope you can find some peace of mind and peace in your heart through talking with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Ok, so here is the scenario....lost...you cheated, you are the one that wants to move away....it isn't fair to expect him to want to go to. so basically this is all about what you want. Ok, fair enough. So my question is this.....what are you prepared to do to make things right with your child's father with regards to your daughter? Afterall, its not his fault you cheated and want to move so far away. How are you going to do right by him with regards to his child? Or is is just tough luck for him if you move her 14 hours away? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Ok, so here is the scenario....lost...you cheated, you are the one that wants to move away....it isn't fair to expect him to want to go to. so basically this is all about what you want. Ok, fair enough. So my question is this.....what are you prepared to do to make things right with your child's father with regards to your daughter? Afterall, its not his fault you cheated and want to move so far away. How are you going to do right by him with regards to his child? Or is is just tough luck for him if you move her 14 hours away? Have you read any of this thread DM? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Have you read any of this thread DM? Sure, and you can't seem to make up your mind. So are you going to answer the questions? Ultimately you can and are going to do whatever it is you want. But I'm curious if you are going to do right by your SO where your daughter is concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Sure, and you can't seem to make up your mind. So are you going to answer the questions? Ultimately you can and are going to do whatever it is you want. But I'm curious if you are going to do right by your SO where your daughter is concerned. You're curious what a cheater like me is going to do? I am flattered. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 You're curious what a cheater like me is going to do? I am flattered. It doesn't surprise me that you don't want to answer the question. its obvious what is going to happen here. You are going to do what you want to do, and this man's daughter will be taken from him. That or you will do what you wondered earlier and leave your daughter with him until you get on your feet 14 hours away, then try to come back and take her away from him. If I'm wrong....then answer the question. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Ok, so here is the scenario....lost...you cheated, you are the one that wants to move away....it isn't fair to expect him to want to go to. so basically this is all about what you want. Ok, fair enough. So my question is this.....what are you prepared to do to make things right with your child's father with regards to your daughter? Afterall, its not his fault you cheated and want to move so far away. I don't have to make things right. I have to make a decision. I do not at this time know what I am going to do. How are you going to do right by him with regards to his child? Well, either decision I have thought about making thus far isn't right in your eyes. I think you would rather I tell him I cheated, perhaps get kicked out, then come here to post, so you could type in "I told you so" and then the two of you can go have a few beers, slap high fives. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I don't have to make things right. nobody has to make things right with anyone. Some people DO make things right when they are in the wrong. I suspected this is the attitude you'd have. Well, either decision I have thought about making thus far isn't right in your eyes. Not so. If you decided to move 14 hours away, but, because this is all what YOU want with regards to moving, the decent thing to do would be to let your SO have custody if he so wanted and was able to have custody. i'd at least have some respect for anyone that cheated on someone, wanted to move away, but didn't add insult to injury and take their child from them. I think you would rather I tell him I cheated, perhaps get kicked out, then come here to post, so you could type in "I told you so" and then the two of you can go have a few beers, slap high fives. no, we are way past that. I know you won't do him the courtesy of being honest. To expect you to be honest is a futile endeavor. Therefore, I'm off that. So now the issue is, after everything you have done, are you planning on taking his child from him too? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 I already answered this question. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I already answered this question. No, you didn't...you didn't come right out and say what you were going to do. But I expect by the way you were talking in the thread, since you want your daughter to know your side of the family, that you will do the despicable thing and take her away from her father because of YOUR choices and YOUR wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 No, you didn't...you didn't come right out and say what you were going to do. But I expect by the way you were talking in the thread, since you want your daughter to know your side of the family, that you will do the despicable thing and take her away from her father because of YOUR choices and YOUR wants. So because you are so interested in how selfish I am, you didn't read the part where is says, "I do not at this time know what I am going to do." IMO you like to keep kicking women to the curb... you are very good at it. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 So because you are so interested in how selfish I am, you didn't read the part where is says, "I do not at this time know what I am going to do." Like I said, I already know how selfish you are...so its a dead horse. You have already put forth 2 scenarios...1) you leave and take your daughter....and 2) you leave, but leave your daughter with him so he can take her off your hands until you get settled...THEN come back and take her away from him. Either way, what is going to happen here is a good father is going to get screwed.....again. IMO you like to keep kicking women to the curb... you are very good at it. yes I am. the worthless ones don't last long. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 Like I said, I already know how selfish you are...so its a dead horse. You have already put forth 2 scenarios...1) you leave and take your daughter....and 2) you leave, but leave your daughter with him so he can take her off your hands until you get settled...THEN come back and take her away from him. Either way, what is going to happen here is a good father is going to get screwed.....again. In your opinion. Thank you for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 In your opinion. Thank you for it. Not an opinion...a fact if you move that far away and take your daughter with you. If I'm wrong, then there will a 3rd scenario....one where you move, but leave custody to her father. But I don't think you are going to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 Not an opinion...a fact if you move that far away and take your daughter with you. If I'm wrong, then there will a 3rd scenario....one where you move, but leave custody to her father. But I don't think you are going to do that. Again, thanks for your opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Again, thanks for your opinion. No problem. Your refusal to answer the question says a plethora about you. I'm done with someone that is about to cordially #$%^ over a good father. have a nice "its all about me" life:o Link to post Share on other sites
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