Author lostsoulmate Posted March 23, 2009 Author Share Posted March 23, 2009 Why are you crying you got what you wanted!!!?? that doesnt make sense arent you relieved? now you can be free to do and persue whoever and whatever you want, right? I was crying because failing sucks. In the beginning of a relationship you want it to work. Especially since we were having a child. I really wanted it to work, that is why I lied to myself about how I was living. I became this person I thought would work out best in this life. When you realize you can't live a lie anymore, many emotions come. I deal with anger, sorrow, happiness, love with tears. I don't want to hurt my ex-fiance, but I have to be true to myself, and he deserves someone who doesn't have to pretend to be happy and won't stray. I don't relieved is the right word, I feel indifferent. The only thing I am going to peruse is getting myself back on the road. Link to post Share on other sites
silverfish Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Chin up.I just read your whole post and some of the comments are pretty pathetic. I think you are brave.Just try and build a friendship with your ex - you can do it! It takes a long time to get over stuff like this. Enjoy being alone with your girl for a bit x Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Chin up.I just read your whole post and some of the comments are pretty pathetic. I think you are brave.Just try and build a friendship with your ex - you can do it! It takes a long time to get over stuff like this. Enjoy being alone with your girl for a bit x Why does every woman that walks away from the relationship always think she can automatically be friends with the EX??? WTF? what if he doesnt want to be friends because he's still hurt deep inside, why would he want to be reminded of what she did? What if he doesnt want to be her dam friend? Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 LSM, I think I understand your situation in a slightly different way than you've presented it on this forum. i read all your posts and most of other people's posts. I don't know why, but I had a feeling from the first page that you not only didn't want to really leave your daughter, but you didn't really want to leave your fiancé. It seems like you're kind of person who bottles up all her feelings, probably in fear of being rejected. Hence your secret affair from the past. You fiancé said you fulfilled all his needs, which means you're a good woman. he, on the other hand, has a problem showing love and compassion. You kept writing about him, which made me think that you still loved him very much - which made me think that you weren't this selfish, cold-hearted woman who wanted to leave her child and fiancé behind to just start a new life. Correct me if I am wrong, but you were hoping that if you moved out, he'd miss you and want to change for you. That's a good reasoning. You wanted to leave your daughter, because you thought it would only be for a few months. I don't believe for a minute that your loving family wouldn't accept you together with your little girl, if they care about you. Also, you were talking about custody, which means you do want to live with your daughter. But, in the back of your mind, you feared that this strategy wouldn't work and he wouldn't beg you to come back - in which case you would want o have custody over the child. You knew from the beginning that he didn't want to be a single parent, so in a way, you wanted to leave your daughter to him as an obstacle - worth enough to call you and tell you "OK, I'll change, just come back; daughter and I need you." In the back of your mind, you knew he didn't really care much about you. That's why you found comfort in another man's arms. If he wants you to take your daughter and doesn't fight, at least for her, if not for you, then he doesn't truly love you. He is ready to lose both you and your daughter. Any man who says he doesn't want to be a single parent and asks you to take your daughter (under the excuse that you have more to offer) is not a truly loving and caring person. I understand your frustration. Well, now you're freed from him. It might hurt for a while, but you will survive and love and be loved again. You apparently have enough skills to get a decent job, since you said you were the breadwinner and you mentioned student loans, which means you have (at least some) college education. I assume you will take your daughter with you now, is that correct? You will get a job sooner or later. If you can't get the job you want, start with any job. You may also get help from the government as a single mother. You have your family there, so you'll be alright. Forget this man, he didn't want to fight for you. He's not worth it. But! He may beg you to come back if he misses you. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Rp, However bad her relationship was, there is NO excuse for infidelity, none. It takes two people to make a relationship bad, but she was the one that cheated. By making excuses for her , you aren't helping her, you are "enabling". By blaming her SO, you are in a sense, justifying dishonesty and selfish behavior. If she were to "come clean", and tell her SO about the affair, it would go a long way towards raising her self-esteem. She keeps saying that she is a selfish b*t*h and that she is scum, I don't believe she is either. I believe she is a sad, deluded, person, who needs help. But nobody can help her as long as she is in denial and refuses to be an honest person. Link to post Share on other sites
silverfish Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Re friends : They have a child together. She is still very young. They will have to come to arrangements, speak to eachother, attend events together possibly. It is much better they do this amicably obviously. Relationships end all the time but it doesnt mean you stop being a parent - this is a long haul relationship. Much better to remain civil and friendly. Any sensible person will come round to this point of view once the emotional side of things has calmed down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 Friday when I got home, he went ballistic when he saw I wasn't wearing the engagement ring. He thought the night before when we were talking about not getting married, he said he thought we were just talking about not getting married this year! WHAT????? The reaction I thought I would get from him on Thursday night, I got from him on Friday evening (with my daughter present, f*cking lovely). I will not put the ring back on, he has tried to re-ask me to marry him again. Weird. I go to my first appointment with the therapist today. I do not want to get married to him, I want my daughter, I want to move home. I will be true to self. I am done. Since Friday he has been trying to cuddle with me at night. He hasn't cuddled with my since our daughter was born. Before it was he would roll over, poke, poke, if I said no I am not in the mood, he would roll over and get huffy and puffy. Now he says he just wants to cuddle. I am going to move into the spare room. WTF??????? It really does take the most extreme measures. Too bad, too little too late. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 After everything you read here, does his reaction really surprise you? Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 You've mulled this thought over for several pages and months through your postings. You need to wrap your head around the fact that the world doesn't revolve around you and just because your perspective has changed the world doesn't immediately align with your views everytime you decide you've got a wild hair up your azz. You've slammed him with this revelation and expect him to absorb and digest your actions and decisions without question or complaint even knowing that he's dealing and reeling from personal misfortune in his own family. I have one thing to say for you and that is your timing, tact, and selfish attitude leaves a lot to be desired. Perhaps in time you'll face the eyes peering up at you from the abyss to fully experience the pain you've wrought from the decisions you've made! Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I can't believe that after all the crap you, your SO and your daughter have been thru, that you STILL can't or won't address the issue of your dishonesty. Almost ALL of your troubles have come about because you decided to lie. If You were straight with your So and told him about the affair THAT would have solved one of your biggest problems, his desire to marry you. Because, nobody wants a cheater. It would have forced you two to make preparations for starting over, and end all of this drama. 4 words would have ended all your troubles, "I cheated on you". Then move on. How do you expect to find love in the future, if you can't be honest? Link to post Share on other sites
Justanotherschmuck Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 It pretty simple. DONT. LEAVE. YOUR. DAUGHTER. WITH. THE. MAN. YOU. ARE. LEAVING. He's good enough to watch your daughter like his own for an exptended period of time while you get things in order so your daughter will not be an inconvenience to you. If he ain't good enough to make you happy, why is he good enough to watch your daughter? And IF you dump him and you STILL think he is a good enough guy to watch her, then you are making a MISTAKE leaving him. "Look, I'm leaving you. But things will be tough enough as it is. Then add my daughter! I need you to take care of her...like I will, probably for a while.....would you do that? If he would, you're dumping the wrong dude. Link to post Share on other sites
Justanotherschmuck Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I post to gather information. There are people out there that have been or are in my type of situation. I am trying to do the right thing by my daughter and myself. If I stay and remain unhappy end up resenting her father even more, what kind of life would that be for her? Her parents fighting and no loving each other. That is not something I want to teach her. Children would rather have her parents TOGETHER AND FIGHTING than seperated. It doesn't sit well with the ''modern, "me" parent" who use that as an excuse, but its true, nontheless. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 If he would, you're dumping the wrong dude.He already said he would NOT. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 It pretty simple. DONT. LEAVE. YOUR. DAUGHTER. WITH. THE. MAN. YOU. ARE. LEAVING. He's good enough to watch your daughter like his own for an exptended period of time while you get things in order so your daughter will not be an inconvenience to you. He is her father. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 He is her father. So just take his daughter 14 hours away from him and put a big smile on your face:rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
Justanotherschmuck Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 He already said he would NOT. Sorry, I didn't explain myself well. I meant IF he said he would. But, now that I know he is the father, why the hell not? Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 Oh and, BTW, now that he's finally getting his mind around your true intentions you can forget about relocating his only child 14 hours away! Not going to happen in a million years for he will not allow her to turn out like you ... bet on it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 26, 2009 Share Posted March 26, 2009 I know I wouldnt pelicanP. I wouldnt allow my daughter to be ripped outta my life and relocated all because her mother didnt want to be a family and be faithful. I'd bring hell with me...literally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 I am so glad I life my life knowing that what other people think of me is none of my business. Otherwise I could have taken offense to most of the comments here. I have been defensive before. Why? Why did I waste my time? IMO, what you (those that are haters) think is a really mute point. None of you are going through what we are. None of you can say you have been in our shoes. Your experiences may be close, but everyone's story is different. A lot of the advice giving here will work, but some of it is useless as it never pertains to the situation the poster is in. Life is what you make of it. If you SO won't help you make your life better, why waste your time trying to get them to? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 IMO, what you (those that are haters) think is a really mute point. We know its a "moot" point. You are wanting to move your daughter away from her father 14 hours away because you decided to change your mind mid-stream about what you want. So if being repulsed by someone that is selfish and wants to move her daughter that far away from her father is being a hater....then so be it. Someone is always a "hater" when the truth is revealed. None of you are going through what we are. None of you can say you have been in our shoes. Your experiences may be close, but everyone's story is different. No matter what my experience, unless my children's mother was a completely unfit parent and did drugs, abused them, whatever, I would NEVER move them an unacceptable distance from their mother, even though she is a cheater and I can't stand her, I wouldn't do that to them. And I especially wouldn't do it just because I wanted something different. Life is what you make of it. If you SO won't help you make your life better, why waste your time trying to get them to? You don't. If your SO isn't your fit, thats fine. Only one problem, you have a daughter with him, and just because you wanted to change your mind about where YOU want to live, 14 hours away, doesn't make it all noble to take his daughter away from him like that. If you wanted to move 30 miles away or something, different story. But 14 hours? And it seems your idea of your SO helping you make your life better is to do what YOU say and move 14 hours away. no compromise there, either he does it or thats it. Your way or the highway. This topped with the fact that you cheated on him with a guy in the town you want to move...too bad he doesn't know about it. So let me ask you. If the shoe were on the other foot, and your SO had control of where your daughter goes, and he, because he all of a sudden changed his mind and wanted to move somewhere that you didn't, how would you feel if he up and moved your child away from you where it would be impossible to see her but maybe once or twice a year? Wouldn't like it too well would you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 So let me ask you. If the shoe were on the other foot, and your SO had control of where your daughter goes, and he, because he all of a sudden changed his mind and wanted to move somewhere that you didn't, how would you feel if he up and moved your child away from you where it would be impossible to see her but maybe once or twice a year? Wouldn't like it too well would you? As a child I lived this scenario. Problem was then, my mother was hiding us from my father. At least I won't be wasting his time? He will be able to find another woman who is better than I am at being his "woman of the house". I plan on staying single. Just me and my daughter (and my dad, step-mom, brother, 3 sets of grandparents, 2 sisters, 3 aunts, 2 uncles and various cousins.) Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 As a child I lived this scenario. Problem was then, my mother was hiding us from my father. At least I won't be wasting his time? He will be able to find another woman who is better than I am at being his "woman of the house". I plan on staying single. Just me and my daughter (and my dad, step-mom, brother, 3 sets of grandparents, 2 sisters, 3 aunts, 2 uncles and various cousins.) I'll ask again, how would you feel if your daughter's father moved her 14 hours away from you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 I'll ask again, how would you feel if your daughter's father moved her 14 hours away from you? If the roles were reversed. I would have told him I would go. If (and I didn't have any family until I was 12) I didn't have any family and he had his entire family living in one town and he wanted to move to have more support for us. I wouldn't hesitate. I wouldn't be scared. I would go if it made him happy and we would have more help in our lives. He has said all that matters in his life are me and his daughter. Apparently that is a lie or things would be different right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 If the roles were reversed. I would have told him I would go. So you would move away from everyone and everything you know even if you didn't want to? I don't think so. So if thats the case, then why wouldn't you STAY? Or compromise instead of expecting him to up and move 14 hours away? Again, its your way or the highway just because you decided you wanted to move back to where you came from. Well why did you even leave in the first place? If (and I didn't have any family until I was 12) I didn't have any family and he had his entire family living in one town and he wanted to move to have more support for us. I wouldn't hesitate. I wouldn't be scared. I would go if it made him happy and we would have more help in our lives. Where is his family? He has said all that matters in his life are me and his daughter. Apparently that is a lie or things would be different right now. So again, its your way or the highway. You made a life with him in the place you are in right NOW. And now you just expect him to up and leave to move 14 hours away? If you want to up and leave, and take his daughter away, then freakin' do it already. But don't sit there and play this "oh poor me" crap as if you are the one getting the short end of the stick. Just move away and accept the fact that you are totally screwing over the father and his daughter. Drop the "me me me" crap. Link to post Share on other sites
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 He has said all that matters in his life are me and his daughter. Apparently that is a lie or things would be different right now. You lost me here... Link to post Share on other sites
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