She wants me back but is acting stupid

[verysexyvirgo]

I have posted a more detailed version of this occurrence in another thread, but I will get to the point on this one...

 

I was dating a young lady; we are both in the Navy. Around the five to six month mark of us being together, she was ordered to deploy, and she asked me if I would be in a relationship with her, and if I would remain faithful to her until she came back. I was reluctant, but I agreed to, because I really dug her, and we were in love, and everything was perfect, no arguments, always happy. I treated her like gold, did anything for her, bought her whatever she desired, took her on trips around the country, and she made good love.

 

While overseas, she became homesick and turned to alcohol to ease her pain and depression. She got obliterated one night and had sex with another fellow that we work with. She told me the next day and I immediately dumped her. She told me that she does not remember what happened that night because she was so drunk. She was really apologetic after telling me what she had done, so I remained in contact with her for about a week until I just decided to stop calling altogether.

 

I let two months pass by, and I gave her a courtesy phone call to see how she was doing, at the advice of friends and family. Once I inquire about how she's doing. she proceeds to rant about how she's good, and she has moved on, and that I should be glad that I got rid of her, and just basically was talking really stupid. I took the high road (again), and told her that none of that was what I was concerned about, and that I just wanted to know how SHE was doing. I told her that it was cool if she was dating someone else, but she turned it into an "I really don't want to talk about the cheating" session. She said that I tried to make her feel guilty.

 

My thing is, if she is supposedly over me, why would she talk to me on the phone for an hour and thirty minutes (from Japan)? Why would she need to be so bitter towards me if she were over me? Why would she get mad when she finds out I'm in another relationship?

 

There were actually two phone calls over that hour and a half, because when we got to arguing, I hung up on her, and I called back two minutes later and she answered. If she is so over me, why would she answer the phone again? I think she is lying, and she realizes how good she had it, and she wants to come back, but she is putting up a defense mechanism so that she won't get hurt by me. I have no intentions on hurting her; I think that it is much sweeter when you kill a person with kindness after they have wronged you. She is only acting out because she misses me...What do you folks think? I think she is bitter because I dumped her.

 

I told her that what goes around, comes around, and she said not to say that because she is already suffering, but when I asked her to tell me how she was suffering, she would not say...I think I know why!!! People take what they have for granted until they lose it.

[lkjh]

I think you are looking to much into this. It sounds like you are taking this for more than it is worth. Don't assume she wants you back till she actually says it. Also, stop chasing a girl that cheated on you. Move on and find a good girl

[Geishawhelk]

I posted a reply in your other thread.

 

Here's what I wrote:

 

 

Originally Posted by verysexyvirgo

If you are over me, why were we talking on the phone, long-distance from Japan, for an hour and thirty minutes. If you were moved on, wouldn't you get off of the phone within the first five minutes?

 

Not if you're lonely, far from home, talking to someone with which you originally had a good relationship and met after a long, abusive and terribly unhappy time (from which she may still be recovering) no.

You don't say how long she was married, but you mention kids. the fact she was deployed to japan would indicate they're old enough to be left, so it might be a long one. Something like that is a huge thing to get out of. I suspect her drinking was a crutch for her in many ways.

 

 

Second, during an argument we were having, I hung the phone up on her, and I called right back after two minutes, and she answered, and we talked another 40 minutes, so one call was 50 minutes and the other call was 40.

 

Excuse me saying but hanging up on someone during an argument is bullying and controlling. What you're basically doing is saying "I call the shots, I'm controlling the way this is heading, and we're arguing, but on my terms". It's rude, and unnecessary.

And I know you rang her back, but that's just more control. Waiting two minutes (ostensibly to let yourself cool down) is all very well, but you called her, she didn't call you back. Would she have done? Don't you think she's had enough of a man controlling and bullying her to last a lifetime already?

 

 

 

Also, if she were over me, why would she need to act childish and bitter when she could just be civilized, and calm, and just say that she has moved on? Usually, when someone that you have loved is bitter towards you, they still have feelings for you. I think that this is her defense mechanism as to not be hurt by what she thinks I will say.

 

There's more than you in the picture. It's not about you, it's about her. I don't know if she had counselling or professional help after her ordeal, but if not, she needs it.

 

 

I feel no hatred toward this girl, I just gave her a courtesy call to check on her, and she starts ranting on me. I think she misses me, but she doesn't know how to express herself correctly. Please help me...I think it is woman talk for "I miss you but I messed up too badly, now I want you back but please don't hurt me"...Not to mention that when she comes back, we still have to work together. I appreciate your opinions.

 

I think you're misreading the signs.

She's vulnerable, alone and after one stupid foolish brainless and drunken incident, you kicked her to the kerb.

I'm not excusing what she did, but there are deeper causes here...

Did it not occur to you to consider underlying motives?

She needed company, affection and someone to want her liberally. Unconditionally. Just for herself, for fun. She needed to be wanted.

 

When she asked you to keep a spot of your heart for her, and you didn't answer, you do understand, don't you, that even with the kiss, you didn't actually give her any crumb of consent?

Great. She asks one thing of you, and you didn't respond.

That must have been a great comfort to her....

 

I realise there's probably a lot missing from the above, but we can only go by what you present us with.

 

I think she would do best to not get into a relationship with anyone for a while, and find herself, and grow some dignity, self-esteem and self-worth. She's at a very low ebb right now, and the last thing she needs is another guy who thinks it's all him.

 

Which I'm afraid, is what your post sounds like.

And I hope that covers it.....