Fiance wants to return ring

[bummed-out-in-CA]

We've been dating for 3.5yrs. Living together for the past 6 months. I proposed Monday night with IMO a very nice ring that fit my budget and was very good quality diamonds. Today, I could see something was bothering her. I asked her what was wrong and she looks at the ring. I asked "you don't like it?" She goes on to say it's beautiful, but she was surprised I didn't take her to pick it out. Where is the surprise in that??!! So we have a talk and she's talking about if she has to wear it forever, she wants it to be something she likes and is happy about. Ugh. I'm quite hurt about this as I spent time looking at rings and picking something that I thought she would like. Despite being laid off in December, I still managed to save money and put everything I had into it. It wasn't too crazy a price but the quality was excellent(.75 center, 1.4 total)

 

Rewind to 4 weeks ago when I picked out the ring. I show her some rings online and ask her which one she would like to get a feel for her style. One of the ones that she picked was the ring I got. Score! Right? Now, I think she may have been having second thoughts because when she showed her sister, she said "That's it? You don't want to go bigger?" Awesome. Mind your business.

 

Does this happen a lot where the girl returns the ring? I've never been married before so I don't know how this works. We are both mid 30's and she has been married once before. I found out a couple months ago she made her first husband exchange the ring as well. I shoulda known better. I'm not a fan of the couple going and picking out the ring together. I'm kinda old fashioned I guess. Now I'm bummed and kinda turned off on this whole engagement wedding thing. I'm not excited at all anymore. It was a HUGE slap in the face that my effort in saving what pennies I had and making sure I got the best my money could buy wasn't good enough.

[LakesideDream]

We've been dating for 3.5yrs. Living together for the past 6 months. I proposed Monday night with IMO a very nice ring that fit my budget and was very good quality diamonds. Today, I could see something was bothering her. I asked her what was wrong and she looks at the ring. I asked "you don't like it?" She goes on to say it's beautiful, but she was surprised I didn't take her to pick it out. Where is the surprise in that??!! So we have a talk and she's talking about if she has to wear it forever, she wants it to be something she likes and is happy about. Ugh. I'm quite hurt about this as I spent time looking at rings and picking something that I thought she would like. Despite being laid off in December, I still managed to save money and put everything I had into it. It wasn't too crazy a price but the quality was excellent(.75 center, 1.4 total)

 

Rewind to 4 weeks ago when I picked out the ring. I show her some rings online and ask her which one she would like to get a feel for her style. One of the ones that she picked was the ring I got. Score! Right? Now, I think she may have been having second thoughts because when she showed her sister, she said "That's it? You don't want to go bigger?" Awesome. Mind your business.

 

Does this happen a lot where the girl returns the ring? I've never been married before so I don't know how this works. We are both mid 30's and she has been married once before. I found out a couple months ago she made her first husband exchange the ring as well. I shoulda known better. I'm not a fan of the couple going and picking out the ring together. I'm kinda old fashioned I guess. Now I'm bummed and kinda turned off on this whole engagement wedding thing. I'm not excited at all anymore. It was a HUGE slap in the face that my effort in saving what pennies I had and making sure I got the best my money could buy wasn't good enough.

 

 

Yup bukko, you are reacting normally. In todays economic conditions the fact that the ring didn't come out of a Cracker Jack box is a plus. .75 caret stone not to bad. Pays my rent a few weeks. (if I had rent) maybe months? The sister wasn't satisfied?

 

Maybe you should rethink the engagement. Maybe your GF would be happier if you saved 4 or 5 years for a better ring. Maybe you'll win the Lottery.

 

Gold Diggers suck.

[carhill]

Amen

 

Say that twice...

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Well it depends I asked to return mine back then but only because we hadn't been looking together at all. And he got a solitaire diamond just not my style but a common pick for engagement rings I think.

 

Honestly I felt like I had a door knob on my finger lol.. I wanted something in a completely different style less flashy so ended up I got something cheaper my choice in the end.

 

I just liked it better if its a situation like that then I don't see anything wrong with it but if she had picked it out before and then is just changing her mind now cause its not big enough?

 

Thats just being selfish epically if she knows you got layed off recently I'm sorry to hear by the way. So you sure I mean if that the case you wanna marry some one that selfish?

 

In the end I guess if it was me and if its just she wants a bigger stone id ask her to chip in on the extra cost JMHO tho...

[Geishawhelk]

From my PoV...

 

My first husband bought my engagement ring for me, complete surprise. I had no idea he was even thinking of popping the question.

The ring was absolutely nothing I would have picked for myself, but I was just so touched, I completely ignored that, I loved the gesture, and it meant the world to me. I was barely 21.

 

My second husband (what do I sound like - ?! ) never bought me an engagement ring, on the basis that I knew what he wanted, so what was the point?

(red flag, right? Didn't see that one for 22 years....)

He eventually relented and bought me one ostensibly from an antique shop (turned out to be a slightly classier 2nd hand store) and after 1 week the stone fell out. took it back - and the guy superglued it back in, because he said - "it's only a bit of glass!" And he was right. I found out he'd paid £12.00 for it. (1981) It was ruined, and I never wore it again.

Ex-husband never replaced it. (2nd red flag.... man, by the time we split, all I could see was red.....!)

 

My current partner steered me into a jeweller's and said: "pick any ring you want", (I knew already what we could afford) and we chose one together. Aesthetics, style and cost in that order. We went slightly over-budget, but he didn't care at all.

It's beautiful, and exactly what I wanted. He's already promised me an eternity ring, and we're not even married.

 

The point is, every situation is different, so you have to judge purchasing a ring by how well your partner would react.... And only you know your partner.

But if her reaction is unexpected, entirely materialistic and surprising, and she doesn't see the significance behind the gesture....

 

You know those red flags I was talking about....?

[lovestory5]

Don't think about the money, think about the satisfaction of your second half. Once my boyfriend bought me a ring. It was not a wedding ring, but just a gold ring for the woman day, I didn't like it, but I said nothing becasue I didn't want to hurt him. And what I want to say is that I didn't wear it since that time. I didn't like it. I didn't feel comfortable. And also I can say that one thing is to look at the picture and another thing is to feel it on your finger. Change the ring. : ) And this time go with her and choose the best one for her.

[lkjh]

Don't think about the money, think about the satisfaction of your second half. Once my boyfriend bought me a ring. It was not a wedding ring, but just a gold ring for the woman day, I didn't like it, but I said nothing becasue I didn't want to hurt him. And what I want to say is that I didn't wear it since that time. I didn't like it. I didn't feel comfortable. And also I can say that one thing is to look at the picture and another thing is to feel it on your finger. Change the ring. : ) And this time go with her and choose the best one for her.

 

 

Spoken like a true gold digger.

[Geishawhelk]

Don't think about the money, think about the satisfaction of your second half.

 

Yes, sell your home and re-mortgage the kids, hang the expense, buy Liz Taylor' cast-offs....! :D

 

 

Once my boyfriend bought me a ring. It was not a wedding ring, but just a gold ring for the woman day, I didn't like it, but I said nothing becasue I didn't want to hurt him. And what I want to say is that I didn't wear it since that time. I didn't like it. I didn't feel comfortable. And also I can say that one thing is to look at the picture and another thing is to feel it on your finger. Change the ring. : ) And this time go with her and choose the best one for her.

 

Hang on a minute....

 

This is a bit contradictory, don't you think?

 

Has he not noticed you never wear the ring he bought for you?

has he not asked what the problem is?

Why didn't you tell him?

 

Given that you are more important than he is (and it's important to consider the satisfaction of the 'second half'), why not suggest he takes it back and buy you a more expensive 'best one for you'?

 

Whay have you not done this already?

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Don't think about the money, think about the satisfaction of your second half. Once my boyfriend bought me a ring. It was not a wedding ring, but just a gold ring for the woman day, I didn't like it, but I said nothing becasue I didn't want to hurt him. And what I want to say is that I didn't wear it since that time. I didn't like it. I didn't feel comfortable. And also I can say that one thing is to look at the picture and another thing is to feel it on your finger. Change the ring. : ) And this time go with her and choose the best one for her.

OH MY! ......... Oh heck LMAOOOOO sorry had to!

[2sure]

Bummed Out - Ive got a good one for you.

 

Current H asked me what type of engagement ring I would like. I told him anything but round stone. Like you, he wished to pick it out himself, be romantic, and he deliberated about it. Being a guy, he heard only key words....

 

My ring had a round diamond surrounded by round diamonds with a wedding band of ...round diamonds. LOL. I loved it because I love him, but I laughed at one point and said: Its round...remember what I said?

He was sick about that, and angry for a moment. But I convinced him he was taking it wrong and that I loved the ring.

 

His brother gor engaged the same time, they bought the rings together. His GF likes everything in her life "just so". She took the ring back, but couldnt find anything she liked in the same range (and this was a substantial ring) ...she kept it. Its sad. This was more than 3 years ago and they still arent married. She did the same thing with the house he bought. She liked it. He bought it. On the day he closed the sale, she decided she wanted a bigger house. Too late, he had bought it. So, now she lives in a house he feels bad for buying with a ring he knows she doesnt like. Get it??

[Art_Critic]

Honestly I would try and not consider it a HUGE slap on your face...

 

You spent some of your time looking for it but she has to wear it on her finger the rest of her life.. right ?

 

If it is a diamond size issue then maybe you should both talk about the size of the stone she is looking for.. everyone has different tastes.

Some people care for certain shapes and sizes on their hands.

 

If it just wasn't big enough because she wants a certain size only or if she wants a more expensive ring then you have a gold digger on your hands..

 

Talk with her about it.. it's her ring...

 

My wife picked hers out and so did my first wife..

Personally I couldn't imagine my wife picking out a bunch of tools or a new motorcycle for me.. how nuts it would be and then for her to expect me to like the tools or the motorcycle just because she picked it out..

 

Now..

 

A lot of couples know each other well enough for the guy to buy the ring without her knowing but that takes them going out ring shopping and her mentioning what her tastes are etc. etc etc...

Those kind of couple are rare today..

 

Just talk to her and try not to take it personally that she wants to return it and get something different ( providing it is more of a taste issue rather than the cost of the ring )...

[Touche]

Is her reaction concerning the ring out of character for her? Think about it.

 

Given your financial situation AND the fact that this is a 2nd marriage and you're both in your mid-30's I think she's being highly selfish and very immature.

 

I really wonder if this is an isolated incident with her. My bet is that this kind of behavior spills over into other areas. Pay attention and proceed with caution.

[Art_Critic]

Given your financial situation

 

Yeah.. that does stick out some, doesn't it ?

 

Expectations can be our shortcomings sometimes....

 

I know a couple that wed with rings from Walmart till they could afford a better ring on down the road..

 

I wonder if she realizes that his money is tight ?.. Some people have no clue how much money another makes or has...

[bummed-out-in-CA]

I wouldn't consider her a gold digger. She makes great money.(twice over what I made when I was working) She doesn't need a thing. She doesn't shop like crazy but when she does, it's the best stuff. Trust me, she's not with me for my salary.

 

We still need to talk more. She indicated that she is not really feeling the style of the ring. So I asked, "do you want to change the stone also?" She answered "I don't know yet, we'll see". Her finger is tiny(size 4 3/4) so the Princess cut looks pretty big on her finger. She may want a round stone as she mentioned one time that she wants to use a stone that she has that her father gave her mother.(There I go again, not grabbing these hints!) I personally didn't want to use anyone elses stone because well, its not what I picked out for her.

 

She tried to use an analogy to explain why we should go together. We are planning on starting a family by years end. We are also planning on getting a full size crew cab truck. She says "when we go get this truck, I want you to be there to help with the color, etc and make the decision together" I quickly shot that down with "a truck doesn't involve feelings!"

 

I don't know. After a day, I'm a little bit better and trying to understand her point of view but still can't help but feel hurt about it. She'll be in for a surprise if she goes over my budget and won't have the ring for how ever long it takes for me to save the difference. I'm sure her sister will be asking "wheres your ring?"

 

We are planning on going tomorrow. Would it be mean if I asked her if she would like to bring her sister, mother, or any other friends that may have some input before I purchase?

[carhill]

IDK; gold-diggers come in all salary ranges and socio-economic groups. Be careful about lifestyle expectations matching up. Just an instinct.

[2sure]

We are planning on going tomorrow. Would it be mean if I asked her if she would like to bring her sister, mother, or any other friends that may have some input before I purchase?

 

My H brought his sister and motherwith him , bought it at his uncles store...and made the final decision with the UPS guy that happened to walk in.

[Touche]

IDK; gold-diggers come in all salary ranges and socio-economic groups. Be careful about lifestyle expectations matching up. Just an instinct.

 

I agree. And even if she's not a gold-digger, at the very least she might be materialistic. I'd watch out for that too.

 

You're so right about lifestyle expectations matching up. It's extremely important.

[Geishawhelk]

We are planning on going tomorrow. Would it be mean if I asked her if she would like to bring her sister, mother, or any other friends that may have some input before I purchase?

 

No.

I would.

 

Double

[bummed-out-in-CA]

You know, since they are the ones who will critique it in the end and get those second thoughts swimming in her head.

[Trialbyfire]

We still need to talk more. She indicated that she is not really feeling the style of the ring. So I asked, "do you want to change the stone also?" She answered "I don't know yet, we'll see". Her finger is tiny(size 4 3/4) so the Princess cut looks pretty big on her finger. She may want a round stone as she mentioned one time that she wants to use a stone that she has that her father gave her mother.(There I go again, not grabbing these hints!) I personally didn't want to use anyone elses stone because well, its not what I picked out for her.

Okay, now that's just wrong. If it's got sentimental value from her family, that's not reasonable.

 

She'll be in for a surprise if she goes over my budget and won't have the ring for how ever long it takes for me to save the difference. I'm sure her sister will be asking "wheres your ring?"

 

We are planning on going tomorrow. Would it be mean if I asked her if she would like to bring her sister, mother, or any other friends that may have some input before I purchase?

This is the woman you've asked to spend the rest of your life with. If you're unemployed, she should not only understand your situation but be aware that you have limited resources. The two of you should be able to discuss this openly.

 

Overall, I don't understand her perspective. It's one thing if she actively hated the ring and another, if it's not optimally what she would have picked herself.

 

The ring my fiancé gave me wasn't exactly what I would have picked. The ring's nice but not my style. I'd rather cut off my left arm before telling him this, since it's the sentiment and effort behind what he chose, rather than the material object that counts. He was pretty proud of his choice, which was adorable to see.

[Glory]

So, my boyfriend and I are getting to the marriage stage. We've just moved in together and we're planning on getting engaged soon-ish. We've discussed quite a few things about it including a budget for the ring, and a few styles I like. I made mention of the fact that I would like to have some input on the ring, but he's expressed that he wants to do this himself and I respect that. It also helps that he understands my taste in jewelry and has very good taste himself. I believe we are the same page and while I don't know exactly when or what I am going to receive, I do know that I will more than likely love it.

 

That said, he did tell me that if, for some reason, I don't like what he picks out I need to tell him. He wouldn't want me living the rest of our, hopefully long, marriage with a ring that I wasn't really fond of.

 

I have to wonder if you and she had discussed marraige at all before you popped the question or if it was a complete surprise. I also wonder if you would be happier had your fiance said nothing and continued to silently dislike the ring.

 

She is absolutely correct in that it is a joint purchase. Afterall, you are presumably joining your lives and finances together. That means that you've now bought her ring with your (as a couple) money. She should have a say in that. I also see no reason why, if she did want something bigger than you could currently afford, she could not pay the difference. Maybe that is not romantic but it is practical and a good start towards making joint decisions together.

 

Yes, feelings are involved in the purchase of a ring. Yours and hers. I have no doubt that your fiance loves you (or she wouldn't have agreed to marry you) and appreciates the time you took to go out and find and choose and purchase a special ring for her. She probably feels terrible for hurting your feelings, but I really think that in this instance honesty is the best policy.

 

Maybe try to look at it from her perspective and try to get into her head (without jumping to the gold-digging harpy conclusion). I'd have to think that you wouldn't marry someone you thought that poorly of, but what do I know of you, a stranger on the internet?

 

Just my two cents. Obviously, your mileage may vary.

[caramba]

bummed-out-in-CA,

 

I completely understand where you are coming from.

I am a girl, and I don't understand why so many women have issues with the ring. When I got engaged, I was just so happy to have found the man of my dreams and that he felt the same. We have a great marriage, and guess what? No engagement ring whatsoever. Thing is, he was a recent college grad, and I'm still in grad school. We wanted to buy a house instead and put money toward more practical matters.

Some huge rock is not going to bring you guys happiness. A marriage is for a life-time (hopefully) and the ring can always be bought/upgraded later in life when you both are more settled, perhaps to celebrate an anniversary.

 

I have seen girls bring their girlfriends to pick out their ring with them (with their fiance just standing in the background & clasping his wallet with a terrified look on his face).

 

People don't seem to understand what an engagement/marriage is about.

Like the people who spend their lives savings on a wedding. I'm sorry, but that's no way to start your lives.

 

And to the posters who say that the ring should be a joint decision and that it is some sort of practical matter...I don't agree. An engagement ring is a symbol of his love for her. And god forbid if his love for her doesn't equal a 3 carat, internally flawless, platinum-set rock that her friends can be jealous of...

 

Our world is so sad. Some people never find true love, and others just measure love by material things. It's sickening.

[Touche]

Excellent post Caramba. I applaud you.

 

That said, if the couple can afford a rock with no financial hardship (debt) then all the more power to 'em. It's the ones who start out a marriage with debt and buy things they can't afford that are stupid, selfish, greedy and materialistic.

[hotgurl]

if she mentioned wanting to use her mother's stone why didn't you mention it to her before purchasing the ring.

 

Here is what my husband and I did. Since I am somewhat particular about the jelewry I wear we went looking together because seeing something on screen or in a catalogue and on your finger is very different.

 

Well it turns out that my parents had my grandmother's old engagement ring.

 

So we took the stone a designed a new ring around it.

 

it is so special to me because not only did my husband and I design the ring together but it is my grandmother's ring too. And i just love it so much!

[allina]

What's up with people jumping on the gold digger train? There is A LOT more to an engagement ring than carat size and price. Maybe she doesn't like the style, maybe she doesn't like the way it looks on her? Maybe she just doesn't like that ring!

 

When I see threads like this I am so thankful that my SO and I made an appointment to try rings on and play around. Looking at rings online is nothing like actually trying them on. So while she may have thought the ring was nice in a picture it may not be what she imagined in person.

 

I would have a talk with her. Express your disappointment. Be clear that if this is about "better and more" you're insulted and putt off, but if it's the look, the type of metal, the cut, maybe you can work with her.

 

This is a ring she will wear forever, this is a ring she will show off to everyone, it is very important that she loves it.