When it becomes LDR no more - how to handle it?

[conehead]

Quick background - I've only been dating my bf for a few months and the agreement is that eventually he will move to my city (300 miles away, 1 hr plane ride) to be with me when the time comes, which he specifies as 'the not so distant future.' He basically grew up and lived at the city he is currently at all his life and his family is there. He doesn't really know anyone in my city except for me.

 

Well a few days ago, he talked bout finding a job in my city in the not so distant future. And he asked me if that were the case, what I thought about me living with him.

 

So I guess the question is, how do we best handle it when/if the LDR no longer remains a LDR? Someone mentioned that living together right away might not be a good idea. But currently in our LDR, we see each other about 2 out of every 3 weekend, which is quite alot...not too much less than a normal relationship.

 

My personal thoughts are that I really don't want to live with a bf until we are married or at the very least engaged...is that an unrealistic viewpoint of mine? I'm traditional chinese and my parent's think that it's 'whore-like' behavior to be living with (and having sex) with a boy if the two are not a married couple. That would be fine I guess, but the tough thing is that if my bf does move here for me, it would be kind of 'mean' to make him live by himself no? Wouldn't I owe it to him to at least commit to living with him if he moves for me? What does everyone think???

[Nicodaemos]

Talk to him about it. be honest, and open about things. Tell him your fears about them if he already doesnt know. If he is willing to give up everything, maybe he also has thoughts of engagement. Not saying he will, but maybe its on his mind. He might be of a practical mind and be thinking that moving in together is just fine because it lets people get used to each other before marriage and be able to work out all the issues. He may want to move in, but he may also understand your hesitation about things, especially if its to limit issues with family, and not have a problem living nearby. Or, you may be able to live together, if there is another bed there. In this modern world of doing what is funcional, it seems unreasonable, but you wont know till you ask. It also depends alot on his personality. It wouldnt bother me doing something like that, but most people i know, both men and women wouldnt want to do it.

 

Most important though, talk about things. Be open, and try to make sure he is open about himself as well. Good luck with things, its always a wonderful thing when LDR becomes a close daily relationship. I hope it works out for you two.

[Island Girl]

I hope very soon to be able to post the goings on of what happens when an LDR becomes a traditional relationship.

 

I am in a bit of a different situation because we have lived together before for a year -- HOWEVER - that was seven years ago.

 

We are going to have some things to work out I am sure. There will have to be compromises on a lot.

 

But we have been together almost eight and a half years and we are married.

 

We know each other as far as getting along, working serious issues out, and that we are committed to each other no matter what.

I guess that is the biggest factor. Both of us know there is no such thing as walking away or breaking up.

 

We are also much older - I am 39 (40 next month) and he is 41 (42 in July).

So we have already "been there done that" with A LOT of situations and we already have been through the dating scene ad nauseum.

 

Our biggest initial issue is going to be "the girls".

The dogs.

When he was here I had two other dogs that passed away in 2005. At that time I got two new ones - sisters - and they are very protective. They are now almost four and have never met him - or have they ever had to deal with living with anyone ever except me because I've lived alone this entire time.

Where he lives they do not have dogs inside. So that has always been kind of an issue for him.

But he also knows it is his issue and I believe differently. So he is acceptant of that. I just KNOW I am going to be hearing the b*tching about the dog hair...

 

I guess you just have to be as prepared as possible that there ARE going to be conflicts. There are going to be things you do differently. And you both are going to have to be willing to compromise about A LOT.

[Nicodaemos]

quick thing about the dogs, have him send something personal of his, a shirt that he has worn, and hasnt washed, a hat, pillowcase, something that has a strong scent of his, that way the dogs can smell it, and get used to him being there, his scent. It may help the transition. (and you have something with his smell as well)

 

about what to do when it no longer becomes LDR, I went the other way, it was ended, not in coming together, but seperating. I would not recommend it, but i would recommend the staying togethe throught the hard times, talking and working things out. most important, giving the future a chance.

[Island Girl]

Thanks Nico -

We have already planned on that. He is sending his work out shirts and they'll each have them in their crates the month or so before he gets here.

And I have transitioned the same kind of dogs before so I know how to go about doing it.

It is going to be an adjustment to be sure though.

 

And yes - I agree the transition can go either way.

In our case, we do know each other. Certain things like who cooks, who cleans, morning person (him) - not a morning person (me).

We both like having alone time every day but he needs it most. He really gets that in the morning when he gets up and gets busy doing things around the house.

I sleep in. So by the time I wake up he is ready for breakfast with me and yearning for some company.

There are a lot of things that just seem to work out in our favor.

 

OP - do you know each other's routines and personal habits? Staying with each other for a couple of days is a bit different than long periods of time.

I know you stay at home with your parents.

But he has his own apartment doesn't he?

Are there cultural differences?

 

There are differences with my husband and I. But we have worked through those that first time. And those things WERE tough.

We just had very different views about a lot of things - especially the handling of money.

In his culture everyone shares with each other.

The way I was raised, you take care of yourself. And if you have extra money you better save it because there will come a day when you need it.

Those things were the hardest to get through for us.