Can I get her back?

[KitWalker]

Julie.....so did you end up getting back together? Somehow I think my loved one will be going away, no way that she is going to change her mind on that part....but I hope that she'll come back and maybe we can pick up? Nothing wrong with hoping is there?

[KitWalker]

Received a blanket email from my ex today, it was basically saying hello to everyone and updating everyone in regards to how much fun she is having over in Thailand, what she's been doing and how much fun she is having. I did get a mention to say thanks for sending her an email on a mutual friends baby that was recently born, but nothing more than that!

 

She did mention through it that she can't wait til Feb04 when she will be leaving overseas again to go on working holiday around the world......

 

I figure that she's set her mind on doing that and there isn't much I can do about her leaving, but I do still think there might be a possibility between us? the plan i have been thinking about is:

 

Wait til she returns later this week, hold off from calling her as I havent contacted her this time she's been away. Hopefully she'll call me when she returns, if not, I might drop her a call a week or two after she's returned and see if she'll like to go out for coffee to chat and catch up?

 

My intention I guess is to slowly just become friends again. Prior to leaving I hadnt heard a word from her. Im hoping this break away she's maybe though about the two of us and maybe had a change of mind in regards to letting me back as a friend? Eventually I'd like to sit her down face to face to say that I want another chance and that I realise she has plans to go away in Feb but that until then she not close me out completely and that she instead let me take her out here and there, go for walks etc...nothing sexual or intimate, just to enjoy each others company. NOw, if something happens between us that gets us back on track, then great! In regards to her holiday etc, I will still give her my blessings and wait for her return! If nothing comes out of it from now until Feb....I guess she'll leave and well, have to realise that we're never going to be together again.

 

I do hope that she will allow me just that little bit so I can get my 'foot in' so to speak and then hopefully progress from there.....it all hinges on her right now...

 

Any advice thoughts???

[lostforwords]

Hi kitwalker

 

as i was reading all of your posts, i slowly started to cringe. now please dont take this the wrong way, however.... i cant help but feel that perhaps maybe you dont quite understand what message she may be trying to convey to you by not responding back to your messages. And the few responses she has given you are very short and to the point.... which (coming from a womans opinion and all) is telling me that she does need her space and you attempting over and over again to contact her is making her withdraw from you even more... to the point that she feels that leaving the country to take on a job is the break she needs. i know wanting a relationship back and doing anything you can so you wont lose her seems like a really good and earnest idea for you..... im thinking in this case perhaps its not. people tend to put a blind eye to obvious signs.... go through denial.... persuade or convince themselves that they NEED that relationship or that person.... and it just causes more pain and sometimes irrational thinking.... you shouldnt waste your time with her mother discussing her as i think thats also hindering on you not being able to move on.... you could be missing out on someone who will fall madly in love with you by persuing this woman.... and hopefully when she does return back to your country she will want to start a friendship with you again.... and perhaps it can flourish from there.... who knows.... but i think right now you and her do need this time apart.... (im so sorry that my opinion is not maybe something you want to hear and i could very well be blowing air out of my arse... and i hope i am, but somehow i dont think so...) please take care and good luck with everything

[KitWalker]

LOSTFORWORDS, yeah you're right, i guess it isnt something that I want to hear, but I guess at the same time its somethign that I have to realise. I guess the reason I have been trying to contact her so badly, is that I want things to work and I want her to know. Alot of people already have told me that she knows how I feel and she knows what I want, that I dont need to keep reminding her. I guess Im trying to ensure that she just doesnt fall out of love for me and then finds someone else. If she did that, I guess it would kill me.....dont know how I would react to that! Not good I can assure you!

 

I still have some of my stuff at her place...she hasnt told me to pick it up....should I ask her to get my stuff together so that I can go around and get it? Or should I just keep quiet until she asks me to come get it?

[Bogo123]

Hey remember me kitwalker?

 

well, i was in the same type of situation as you were. Well i tried sending her flowers to her work, and also to her front porch with notes and teddy bears asking for a second chance. Basically, her reply was she still needs time to be alone right now. I finally accepted it, and i know its really hard to deal with, but the faster you start healing, the better it will be for the both of you. A couple of weeks ago, something clicked with me and all of a sudden i wasnt depressed anymore. I still missed her but i still had a sense of well being and a positive attitude. We hung out last weekend, had dinner and had a long talk. We are gonna continue to be good friends and see how it goes from there.

 

The more you contact her, the worse it is gonna be. The last thing you want is her to be annoyed by you. Then everytime she thinks of you she'll think about that negative aspect. Leave on a good note, tell her how u feel, and most of all be understanding, and give her space.

 

That night i told her once again how i felt and she cried and said only time will tell. Best thing to do is keep yourself busy, check out other girls (even though you may not want to) and keep livin your life. You still have a long road ahead of you. But only time will tell.

[lostforwords]

i would say wait till after about a month (if you can) to call her her to retrieve yoru stuff..... show up with french vanilla coffees (example ofcourse) cuz no doubt shell appreciate it and im sure you and her will do some chit chatting then about everything.... but dont be clingy, or pushy to her... go on a non defensive manner and hang with her like nothing bothers you but sincerely wish her luck and to stay in touch and cooly walk out feeling confident.... give it about a week...... see if she calls you.... nothing hits home worse than if an ex wants to pick up belongings...... dont ask me the signicance..... however im thinking it just may but till then go check out places, other girls etc..... bogo is right good luck dude.....

[KitWalker]

Thanks guys, I appreciate all your words! Im waiting for her return and as was suggested I'll wait maybe a week or so before I give her a call and chat see if she wants to catch up for a coffee? Should I, in the same call ask to come pick up my things? Or leave that for another day?

[KitWalker]

Ok she's back from her trip. She's been back for a couple of days, I know that she had a uni assignment due yestrday, so that should be out of the way. Im also presuming that she would want to catch up with family/friends and talk about her trip etc. I figure, give her a call next wednesday to say hello and see if she wants to go for a coffee??

 

Views??

[KitWalker]

Im getting some 'good' vibes so far....she's replying to my SMS's and she's talking to me on the phone when I ring. Im not going to get too far ahead of myself, although I have to admit I am pretty excited about it all! Got to wait for a phone call sometime this week for that coffee she said we could do.....if not, will prolly call her in a couple of days to see if she wants to catch up!

[MoneySells]

i just had a week like yours, she called and wanted to hang out, wanted to "DO" things. But it was only a tease, because after a awesome few days of being with her again, she went back to that just be friends/need space thing. I fell right for that trap. People tell me to give her lots of space like don't call, don't talk don't do anything and that will be the best. I think ya right, but i know its true. I live a life of being broken hearted, but i know things will get better. Just be really friend like, don't say you miss her, don't talk about your relationship, just ask her about whats she's been doing. Small talk. Its like dating all over again.

[KitWalker]

I could deal with that time apart and dating all over again MONEY, but what Im kinda worried about is her leaving (maybe) in feb 04 for a year trip around the world......worst would be if she actually met someone else.....

[Caddy]

I'm glad to hear you are happy & excited. But it looks like to me you are getting too excited about this. It could be a situation where she says Jump and you do.

 

Don't read too much into it all. Make sure you define the boundaries early on so you don't get hurt again.

 

You could be seeing this as a way to get back together, but she could be using you for something else.

 

You never can tell. And I do hope the best things come to you in life.

[KitWalker]

Caddy, using me for something else? Such as? Im interested in this view....

 

I realise that I can't jump and be excited, however, it has been like 2 months that she has not even bothered to call or SMS at all. Today she did finally call after I sent her a msg to ask how she was feeling!

 

I might be jumping ahead of myself, the conversation wasnt all 'roses' so to speak as there is a chance that she might be going away overseas for a year in March 04

 

Thats 3months away...but I know that it can fly by...and if i hope for anything to happen or eventuate... i guess I have to hope and pray that its sometime soon...

[lost_in_chgo]

Kit, sorry to hear that it didn't go as well as you would have liked.

It sounds like she had a moment of weakness when she was ill.

 

Whatever you do, don't try and talk her out of going on her trip.

 

Work on the penpal idea for while she is gone. Support her decision. She may feel that if she doesn't do this now, that she never will. She may still change her mind. But you may end up waiting for her return.

 

Maybe the trip is an opportunity for you to sow some wild oats too. Nothing says you cant ring her up when she returns.

[Caddy]

From personal experience, and this may certainly not ring true for you, and I hope it doesn't. But using you for something else as in: 1) for sex 2) for villing a void while she is looking for someone else 3) to still be around with you while trying to get over you as a love and just learning how to be a friend with you.

 

I'm certainly no means ANY kind of relationship expert! So like I said before, I just hope she wouldn't do that to you. That unfortunately is just what happened to me #1 & 2. And then I did #3 to get over him.

 

If you try to stop her trip she may end up resenting you. It's going to be so hard to let her go since she will be gone for so long. But you never know, you might end up finding the greatest love of your life while she is gone. So even if she leaves, just promise you won't be moping around pining each and every moment after her.

[lost_in_chgo]

You know, my take on her reaction to the TLC was that she still cares for you, but that she has set you aside because she has something she wants to accomplish and cant have you involved in that. She has to do what she is going to do.

 

That's why I identify with your situation. Basically I've been set aside too because she needs to find herself. And God, I would never want to prevent her from doing that and from healing herself. I want the whole package, satisfied, healthy and wanting to be with me. That's not something I can give her, but it is something I can let her go find for herself. If that means she never comes back then I have to accept that. What else can I do? Surely nothing positive. Even the email I sent wasn't viewed as positive I think, or she would've responded. It was neutral and just kinda an update on what I am up to. I had hoped for a similar email from her, just so I'd know what was up with her and that she still recognized my existence.

 

I've taken the high road here, and I haven't been negative about her needing to date other people and be sure about what she wants. She is in classic divorce recovery. She broke up with me. She could have cheated. She didn't. She broke up and then she started to date. I let her know that I will be here for her, that I want her back, and that my feelings are the same. And she still wanted me in her life on a daily basis until I made it too uncomfortable for her by pushing her to see me in person and asking her if she was happy now. She wasn't, she never could answer that one. It was just too hard for me to handle without trying to get a little closer. I really think that seeing her would've made the friendship thing workable, but she couldn't do it. It was just too painful for her to deal with me on that level. So she ran.

 

Kit, don't make the same mistake. What might seem reasonable to you seems like pressure to her. Damn that sample chapter made alot of sense didn't it?

 

Stay on the high road, where you have been. It might be a hard and lonely road, or maybe it will lead you somewhere else entirely, or maybe you will eventually find that your paths cross again. (ok enough of the road metaphor) In your case, I'm sure they will when she returns from her trip.

 

I really keep coming back to this:

"If it doesn't fall into place then it wasn't meant to be. So you have to wait to see the outcome. Like reading every word on every page of the book to see what happens. You can't just read the last page and know."

 

-- Looking for the happy ending --

[sarah12]

lost - that was a great reply, especially the last quote.

 

I need some more inspiration like that!

 

Kit - I agree with lost - you cannot force happiness in her..she has to come to that realization herself and that is why it's best to not put on any pressure. Also, I read your other post about going out for coffee with her and other mutual friends. This is a sign that she still just wants to be friends with you and is warning you to not pressure her. If she really wanted to hang out with just you, she would say so and would ask you out. You have to back off now and let her come to you on her own. I think you should put everything on hold for now and let her be. You don't want her to make a decision based on what you have shown her. She knows who you are, she knows what you've done for her, who you are to her and how much you care about her. She knows all that and just needs to decide how she feels about you and what she wants for herself right now. It's not that she doesn't care about you, but she needs to figure herself out.

 

When my ex and I went through this, he could have sent me all the flowers in the world and that wouldn't have changed my mind one bit. I'd still be sad that things weren't working out and that nothing you can do would change things. I know he is an incredible guy, he treated me like a queen, and would never hurt me one bit. He always put me before himself and loved me to death. Still though, that didn't change the fact that I had fallen out of love with him and I had also lost my self in being with him.. He did so much for me, but I had lost who I was and needed to find all that again..it was like we were on a relationship high for a year..and then something just snapped and I needed to figure out who I was..

 

I'm sorry I can't describe it better..I wish I could..but I'm just trying to help you understand from her point of view..

[lost_in_chgo]

Sarah - (my favorite name btw) -

 

Why did your having to find yourself require you to separate from him? You say you fell out of love, but everything you say tells me that you didn't, just that your love changed from that lust/romantic fever type to a more sedate long term love. And maybe you missed the fire.

 

Did you discuss it with him? I think most of the people here are the ones who were completely surprised by the decision their ex made, because they had never been honestly discussed. It might have been hinted at, but not openly discussed.

 

Also you said that nothing he could have done would resolve it. But I think in these situations that it isn't really his responsibility to resolve it, it's yours. Unfortunately, when you feel like that you really don't want to resolve things. But why did who and what you are have to be something that is separate from the relationship. Did he ever know the real you? Was it always hidden from him? Couldn't you have talked to him and tried to accomplish your goals and desires within the confines of your relationship?

 

Was there someone else entering your picture at the time?

So how long has it been? Any regrets? Has he moved on?

 

Your perspective into this would be valuable to the men here.

[sarah12]

I will try and answer all your questions. This is going to be a long one!

Why did your having to find yourself require you to separate from him?

 

There are a lot of things I didn't mention in that last post about the relationship with that ex. I felt that I had lost who I was when I was with him - yes, I know that sounds strange, but I really had fallen head over heels for him, and then realized later on that I had changed, which is normal, but some of it wasn't good change. I am a very independent person and always stand up for myself. But I found that being with this guy had inhibited my strong side and my independence, and I had become someone I didn't like.

 

For example, one time I really wanted to apply for a position at school that would require leadership and take up a lot of my time, and my ex would tell me that he didn't think I could do it because I can't handle it, etc etc, and I would just listen to him and not go for it. I almost didn't even question it and didn't challenge it, and when I look back on it, I can't believe that I did that. I am not one to have someone dictate what I do, or tell me that I can't do something, much less the person that I love.

 

This wasn't the only thing that happened, there were quite a few issues like this, and I just felt that he was preventing me from being who I was because 1)he wanted me to spend all of my free time with him 2) he always felt "inferior" to me and kept on keeping me from doing the things that I wanted because it would mean that we wouldn't be at the same "level".

 

You say you fell out of love, but everything you say tells me that you didn't, just that your love changed from that lust/romantic fever type to a more sedate long term love. And maybe you missed the fire.

This is a hard one to explain. I would have to say that my love fell from being in love with him to just caring about him and being his friend. As selfish as it sounds, I couldn't love someone that kept pulling me back and down and he depended on me so much that I couldn't handle it. The fire was still there right until I realized all these things about myself. I took a step back and looked at who I was and didn't like it.

 

Did you discuss it with him? I think most of the people here are the ones who were completely surprised by the decision their ex made, because they had never been honestly discussed. It might have been hinted at, but not openly discussed.

We did discuss it, briefly. You are right, we probably did not discuss it enough, but I really didn't think, and still don't believe, that anything could have been done about it. I wanted someone who could be more independent of me, and he could not be that person. His reasoning was that I was the love of his life and that he would do anything for me. To him, love was it and enough to keep us going. Personally, I am a more rational person and knew that I wanted more.

 

Maybe I am going in circles talking about this but I do think about the whole situation a lot still, trying to analyse and reason everything in that relationship, despite how it ended and how things are now.

 

But I think in these situations that it isn't really his responsibility to resolve it, it's yours. Unfortunately, when you feel like that you really don't want to resolve things.

I think that most people realize they can't change the other person, no matter how hard they try. I didn't realize how dependent he was until much later in our relationship, or maybe he just became more dependent on me as the relationship went on. I knew I couldn't change him and would not want to. At this age, most people have developed their personalities, their characteristics - it isn't like we are teenagers going through change everyday. And I know that one day, he is going to make a girl very happy because there will be someone out there who would enjoy having a boyfriend like him.

 

Did he ever know the real you? Was it always hidden from him? Couldn't you have talked to him and tried to accomplish your goals and desires within the confines of your relationship?

Yes, he always knew the real me. I don't know what you mean by hiding who I was. I loved him, and I think part of loving is letting yourself be who you are, and not hiding things.

 

No, I could not talk to him about accomplishing what I want because everytime we did, he would get upset and sometimes he would cry. It made me extremely upset that he could not be happy for me when I got a job and he didn't, a better mark than he did, or achieved anything else that he felt he couldn't have. I would encourage him and help him in all these things, and he still would not have any faith in himself and therefore couldn't be happy for me. It got to the point where I couldn't even tell him anymore about the job offers I got or the marks I got, or what I wanted to accomplish after I graduated. This is not a healthy relationship..he would not change, would not accept and be happy for me and this in turn, really hurt me.

 

Was there someone else entering your picture at the time?

Absolutely not. I did date afterwards but it wasn't serious.

So how long has it been? Any regrets? Has he moved on?

It has been 8 months since we broke up and no, I have no regrets. He has not moved on. If "moving on" was on a scale of 1-10, where 10= completed moved on, he is at level 2.

 

When we first broke up, I asked him to give me the space that I needed, and he didn't listen. He called me at least once a day. At first, I would talk to him because I was worried about him too. But I soon realized that he was calling me because he didn't accept the break up. He was telling people that we were still together. He assumed we were just going through a rough patch and soon we would be together again. When I told him that we needed to stop talking because I needed my space, he said "ok" and then kept on calling me. Finally I told him firmly that he really had to stop, and he would stop calling everyday and keep it to every other day or so. At this point, I stopped picking up the phone when I saw his number because I felt that he was truly disrespecting my wishes, which to me is very wrong. Then over the summer, he started phoning my friends a few times a week and trying to get them to talk to him about me. They became annoyed and would also stop picking up the phone. Basically, this is the kind of thing that has gone on ever since then. He now still tells people to look out for me, and so he is basically borderline stalking me. It has gotten to the point where I had to tell him off more than once, which I didn't feel good about at all, but he didn't seem hurt by it either. It's like I said, he doesn't like to listen to what he doesn't want to hear and therefore blocks it all out.

 

I could go on and on about the things he has done to push me away since the break up, but then I'd have to write a book. I feel very bad about the way things ended, but he has left me no choice. I have tried EVERYTHING to try and make him understand, and he still doesn't, and at this point, it is not up to me to help him get over me, it is up to him. I have realized that he won't get over me until he realizes that he WANTs to get over me, and I don't know if he is there yet, but it doesn't seem like it.

 

I hope this answers some of the questions..sorry it was so long..if there are any more questions..ask away..

[KitWalker]

Originally posted by sarah12

he is an incredible guy, he treated me like a queen, and would never hurt me one bit. He always put me before himself and loved me to death.

 

I can understand this point Sarah, i am sure I speak on behalf of a heap of guys on here who will probably be exactly like this! Me included! But from reading on and how things are with you and him now......8months without being together and from what I can gather, you're not planning to get back with him either? This guy was so great to you, (besides the bringing down part etc).....was there no way of trying to reconcile? YOu've not thought of giving this person another chance to prove his worth to you? If this guy (like the rest of us) loves you as much as he does, you don't think that giving him another go to change his ways is on the cards? He sounds like the ideal guy besides that holding back factor....isn't it worth another go?????

 

To LOST and CADDY, there's no way that I would hold her back from going on her trip! I realise its something she wants to do, although the whole time we were together she did not mention about doing this at all! Ever since she has come back from Thailand that she's decided that she wants to travel!

Even if the two of us got back together, I would STILL insist that she go on her trip if that's what she wanted? I have thought aboutt he penpal idea, im hoping she would be receptive to that, but Im not sure how i'd react if she decided to email me one day to say she's met some guy in some overseas country???? Sow my oats LOST? hehehehe, once upon a time before I met my ex, thats all I did! I wouldn't have a problem picking up where I left off after going out and then breaking up with someone! But with my ex its different, I dont have any urge to meet someone else nor do I bother 'checking' out other girls.....this is why I know that she is the one for me, and i've been out with a lot of ladies!

 

You're all right about a lot of things in my situation and how she is acting. There's no forcing her to do what she doesnt want to do, like you say, if she wants to come back, she knows where I am. It just makes me really sad I guess that 2 people who were once so in love can just 'stop' like a flick of a switch and not even be 'tempted' to turn it on again....I dont know...maybe its starting to get too hard right now and I've come to the conclusion that maybe its dead and maybe she just doesn't want it with me anymore?

 

Couple of questions I still have.....if we have coffee with the other mutual friends, how am I supposed to act? I can only really see myself as sitting quietly listening to them talk and prolly watching her a lot. Should I be happy and chatty etc???? If so, thats pretty hard.....

 

Secondly, I still have all my stuff over at her place, should I make the move now to collect it all? Or should I hold off? They aren't important things (tv, sleeping bag, rollerblades, diving equipment etc).......we also bought a diving unit each together thats only just come in, I did mention before her leaving to Thailand that its come in and we can go and pick it up. She said originally that I can go and get it if I want and that she'll go after she gets back? I said I'll wait and we could go together, she said ok.........should I go on my own???

 

Appreciate if you can help answer these questions guys!

[sarah12]

8months without being together and from what I can gather, you're not planning to get back with him either? This guy was so great to you, (besides the bringing down part etc).....was there no way of trying to reconcile?

I think that the "bringing down" part is a huge part to me. I have always been one to go after what I want and always work on improving who I am. Also, I am young, and this is my time to do all this. If I am held back from what I want to do now, I will regret it later on, and I already regret not going for a lot of opportunities I could have had when I was with that guy. I try not to have regrets, but that is one of my biggest ones. How can you possibly be with someone who doesn't want you to move forward in life? especially at such a critical time in our lives?? We will both be graduating soon and I have goals that I want to achieve and places that I want to be. I can't possibly hold back from it, nor can I keep on hurting his self confidence/self esteem everytime I achieve something. He could not learn to be happy for me and could not understand what my needs were.

 

I have thought aboutt he penpal idea, im hoping she would be receptive to that, but Im not sure how i'd react if she decided to email me one day to say she's met some guy in some overseas country????

These are the kinds of things that you have to prepare yourself for. If you choose to be the one to keep in contact with her while she goes, you are setting yourself up for heartbreak if she does meet someone.

Couple of questions I still have.....if we have coffee with the other mutual friends, how am I supposed to act? I can only really see myself as sitting quietly listening to them talk and prolly watching her a lot. Should I be happy and chatty etc???? If so, thats pretty hard.....

A few things: 1) DO NOT WATCH HER ALL NIGHT. 2) Don't sit there quietly watching and listening. 3) Don't be overly happy and chatty..women detect these things.

Bottom line is, be yourself as you would be if she wasn't there and you were just hanging out with your friends. You don't have to treat her any differently, pretend she is just another person at the table. You don't want to watch her because she will feel very uncomfortable, and don't be overly happy because it will make everyone else uncomfortable and the last thing you want to do is drag everyone else into your situation.

Secondly, I still have all my stuff over at her place, should I make the move now to collect it all?

Wait a week or so and ask for the things back.

should I go on my own???

Yes. Remember..patience is key..

[KitWalker]

Thanks Sarah........its uncanny...you talk a lot like my ex!!! Geezzzz....ur not Down Under are u???

[lost_in_chgo]

Sarah- that fills in alot and makes your decision sound like the right one. Especially the parts about him trying to hold you back from success.

 

I think that most people realize they can't change the other person, no matter how hard they try.

This is certainly true. But my thought is that by discussing things the other person can change themselves, which of course they have to be willing to do. In my case, I've been striving to be more open with people and everyone is marvelling at the change. I've also lost over 50 lbs in just over 3 months. Both are because I want to improve myself in case my ex does decide that we are worth another try and for the next relationship if she doesn't.

 

I don't know what you mean by hiding who I was

What I meant was, people often put up a front pretending to be who the other person wants or what they think he wants. Then eventually get tired of making that effort and revert to their true nature. Then suddenly their partner is in a relationship with someone completely different from the person they fell for. It sounds to me like you were in a controlling relationship, not misrepresenting. But rather he was the one pretending.

 

 

OK, now I'm hijacking the thread...

 

In my case I have known her for years, so I knew the real person.

 

When my ex and I broke up, she said she still had feelings but she couldn't do this, she had alot of stress right now, and please just be my friend. She wouldn't explain why she wanted to break up or see me though. Once she got involved with someone else, she was then willing to talk and respond a little. I think she needed to have someone else to keep her from being tempted to come back. She was just divorcing and needed some single time.

 

Once she told me this she started to email and messag me constantly. Major mixed signals. She told me she didn't want to talk. She ran whenever I started to. She's only said that I made her feel bad about herself because when she told me about some minor problems her kids were having (poddy training), I suggested ways to deal with it that worked for my neice. She said that that made her feel like a bad mother. At the time she never said anything.

 

She also said that she was running herself ragged trying to spend all her time with me and that she felt I wasn't willing to give as much back. Now I will admit to this to an extent, but only in that I was very hesitant to push myself into her children's lives too early, because I was taking a long term approach to make sure that everything worked out between them and me. Stepfathering can be a minefield. I also had hesitation because her divorce was not finalized, and it isn't uncommon for people to reconcile for the sake of the kids. So I refused to stay the night, but I did come by her whenever she wanted. We live about 30-40 minutes apart. Often times, I would drive, pick her up, and then drop her off later, just to spend an hour or two with her for dinner. But she drove alot when she wanted to stay over, something that she often initiated as a surprise to me (which I loved).

 

So when the breakup came, shortly before the final decree of the divorce it was a surprise to me. She had been drifting away, but I thought that it was circumstances and time crunch do to some problems she was facing with daycare. I asked if I could help and she said no. In the end she used the feeling bad about herself, the time crunch and that she thought I couldn't handle her kids as justification for the breakup. I think all of those things were minor issues that we could easily resolve and I was certainly willing to do so. But she wasn't. And I believe that is primarily because of the stress of the divorce on her. That's what I pinned my hopes on.

 

We continued to talk for 2 months, then the divorce finalized, I sent her flowers for congrats and the boyfriend saw them and got upset. She told me I needed to find someone else. She was mad at me. I emailed her back saying that I would when I was ready. And that maybe no contact would be good until she could work thru her issues.

 

They say that divorce recovery can take up to two years (though that is a remarriage stat, so it includes the second relationship). So I wait, and hope, like others here.

 

I've told her that I want her back. I told her that I love her more than anything in life. I've told her that everything that she told me can be fixed and that I am willing to do so. I offered to go to counseling. I told her I would wait for her to work thru this.

 

So now she is, with other people. Exploring herself. She was married for 10 years from and early age. She needs this, I know that, but I also hope that once she discovers herself a little that she will look at what we had in a good light and reconsider. In the meantime I am trying to improve myself in ways that I know she will appreciate. I'm self employed now (no, not unemployed), and working hard on the weight loss, the emotional openness and I've a job lined up for the first of the year that will be very lucrative. So while I considered myself a good catch before, I am sweetening the pot quite a bit And if she doesn't then that's to my benefit for the next time around.

 

I've always made a point to avoid confrontations with her. I've limited things to email and messaging when we were talking. No showing up at her house or anything like that. This is easier because we are 30 minutes apart. Until recently I practiced no contact and asked her to do the same, but to contact me when she worked thru things. That went for 5 weeks. Yesterday I sent an email update of how I am doing. I've heard that she has broken up with the replacement guy and is looking elsewhere, though if she is true to form, this means she is already dating someone else. Well that's a step closer to recovery I guess. I intend to continue the no contact policy and let her work thru things.

 

The hardest part about waiting is the uncertainty. I don't know if she will come back. She may find another guy that she thinks will do, get married and have another divorce. I hope that she doesn't on both counts. She deserves to be happy. But so do I. I hope we can do it together. And hey, if she does come back she will be someone who knows what she wants and we will be stronger for it. That's worth waiting for in my book.

 

Anyway, it's really a win-win for me. If she doesn't come back, I am in a better position financially, without the added responsibility of being a stepdad. I really was looking forward to step-parenting, but it's a tough job and life would certainly be easier without that element. But nevertheless I want her back more than anything, kids and all, the total package. Emotionally, the win for me is getting her back andmaking that happy home with the white picket fence a reality.

 

End Hijacking

 

Kit - I understand your feeling about the wild oats. I am the same way. I want her. No one else interests me right now. I can see an attractive girl, appreciate that, yet have no desire to pursue her at all. I'm not in a state of mind to do that anyway. I would be rebounding.

 

I think the mutual friend will be there to prevent you from making a personal appeal. That's probably the plan. It's her safety net, but it still lets her see you. Like the light switch thing. It's very hard for her too, so she had to just switch off. But you know, that means that she still has strong feelings. It is not dead. But you can't bring it to life right now. She can, you can't. I'd go with the penpal thing still. That sends a strong message too and it's supportive at the same time.

 

And as far as you stopping her from going on the trip. I know that's not your intention, but remember that she might perceive whatever you do as trying to keep her from going. If you are talking to her, you might want to talk about how great the trip sounds. Be supportive of it they way you were saying and then promote the penpal idea. Then at least you'll have an open channel of communication, even when she is gone.

[sarah12]

haha..Kit - unfortunately I am not from down under! However, I hear that the Aussies are very much like Canadians.

 

 

The hardest part about waiting is the uncertainty. I don't know if she will come back. She may find another guy that she thinks will do, get married and have another divorce. I hope that she doesn't on both counts. She deserves to be happy. But so do I. I hope we can do it together. And hey, if she does come back she will be someone who knows what she wants and we will be stronger for it. That's worth waiting for in my book.

Lost - you really sound like you have got it altogether for yourself. You've sorted everything out, and are prepared for the best and for the worst. Also, it sounds like this woman really did just break down from the stress of life and therefore needed to push away from you because she felt you couldn't help her because you couldn't "understand". It sounds like there is some misunderstanding/miscommunication between the two of you over how to deal with things when times are stressful. I have been through stressful times myself where the only person I wanted to talk to was my mother - even my dad wouldn't do. Everyone else just had to leave me alone and all I could do was cry to my mom, I couldn't even talk to her and I didn't want her to talk. Even just thinking about those times makes me teary-eyed now, because if there is anything worse than having your heartbroken, it is when you are lost and feel like everything in life is just caving in on you. At times like these, you are unable to realize that other people have the best intentions for you and also want to help you - whether they are friends or significant others. For your ex, going to someone new is probably a way for her to not have to "deal" with the problems she had. Having someone new in her life is probably refreshing because it would be like a way for her to start over, without realizing that the problems are still there. From the other things you've described, it seems that she has some insecurity issues (which we all have, but I can sense she has some basic insecurities about herself). However it also seems that you two had some misundersatndings (like your concerns about becoming too involved too soon and the divorce issue).

 

I'm glad that you are doing well now though. You seem very mature, and really, you do seem to have things figured out, and perhaps just want to be reassured that it is the right thing?

 

As for my situation - yes it is definitely the right decision, and I never doubted it once I had made it. Also, you are right about him hiding who he was, it was either that or he changed when he met me and became dependent on me. We were not friends before we met, so I don't know how he was like. I wouldn't say he was controlling me though, but subconsciously, I had let myself succumb to someone I was not because I had fallen head over heels in love.

[lost_in_chgo]

Damn Sarah get out of our heads!

That's scary.

 

You know she is very insecure about herself. A legacy from an emotionally controlling husband. I constantly reassured her that his comments were wrong (bad mother, slut, etc.) Yet I think she projected some of that stuff that came from him onto me. I think part of our problem was also that I am ten years older than she.

 

Our misunderstandings about the divorce shouldn't have been there, because every time that I declined to stay the night or take the kids to a ball game, i told her that I thought it was too early and that we needed to ease into it so that they didn't think her a slut or resent her or me. She did accept it after the fact, telling me that she was probably not thinking straight when she was asking me to stay the night the first week, but still cited it as cause for the breakup. I do know that she is distancing the kids from the new dates. So hopefully she has accepted or read up on this and decided to play it safe with the kids. They have to come first.

 

I'm not nearly as together as you might think or doing well. This is terribly stressful. But I am trying to use that stress to my advantage. I've lost 52 lbs in 3 months, with another 20 or so to go. I'm here because I need to vent and people here are willing to give advice. I've burned out the friends and family. I am very firm about refusing to let this turn to anger or resentment. She doesn't deserve it, I don't want it, and it serves no purpose. And yes, reassurance is helpful. But I also want to hear if people think I am an idiot.

 

This board is different as it isn't populated with knee-jerk relationship haters trying to drag everyone down to their level. The internet has too many of those already.

 

At times like these, you are unable to realize that other people have the best intentions for you and also want to help you - whether they are friends or significant others

Normally I would isolate myself, but this time it was way too much for me to handle. So the first thing I did was reach out to a friend that knew the situation already. She told me I was nuts for getting into the situation in the first place. But then she was supportive. She still thinks I am nuts, and she is still supportive. That helps alot. But she's getting tired of hearing it

 

My family is more supportive than I expected, after laughing at it initially. It's a split decision as to whether she is worth waiting for, whether waiting is a good idea and whether she is likely to come back.

 

I wouldn't say he was controlling me though, but subconsciously, I had let myself succumb to someone I was not because I had fallen head over heels in love.

 

I meant he was trying to control you. obviously you weren't taking it. But always be yourself, it serves you better in the long run.