sarah12 Posted December 4, 2003 Share Posted December 4, 2003 I agree with you about how the people on this board are very supportive. I think a big part of it is that a lot of the members are older than others I have been to. It is strange how often I come to this site these days because I too feel that I have worn out the friends. And yes, reassurance is helpful. But I also want to hear if people think I am an idiot. I don't think that you are an idiot. You are doing better than a lot of us! I personally believe that once you have thought through the situation rationally, after the initial pain of the break up, you come back to reality and are able to discern whether or not the uncertainty is worth holding onto. If not, you will know in your heart and in your head, and you will learn to completely let go. If so, then you will hold on and be patient. I believe you are taking option #2. As for reading your minds, it is true that I have an instinct for reading people. Scary? Probably for the rest of you, yes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted December 4, 2003 Author Share Posted December 4, 2003 I agree that so many of us seem to be having the exact or very similar situation happening, i guess thats why a lot of people come to the boards to see if the answers of these 'similar' situations can be found? I got an SMS from the ex yesterday, she wants to catch up for lunch today at 11am.....which is about 5hrs from now. I'm not sure if anyone else is going or if its just the two of us. Its a food hall we're going to, so plenty of people about. Going on from what others have said, I have to be myself, keep off the topic off the relationship and us and also don't act so sad, downhearted etc.......and talk about her trip and sound enthused about it! Anything else?? Anything that I should be looking for? Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 Been a setback, she's just sms'd me, she's got a job interview and wondered if we can make the lunch on monday instead of today....... Good or bad? She gets the job, means that she wont be going away overseas....???? Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Have to wait to see. But she could have left it open ended, so good more than bad I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted December 5, 2003 Author Share Posted December 5, 2003 Open Ended LOST??? Dont understand? Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 I mean she could have said, "can't meet you, lets do it some other time. play it by ear. I don't know my schedule yet." She didn't do that, she set a new appointment. of course, if she cancels again..... Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 Oh yeah and good luck on her getting the job. That's great. Link to post Share on other sites
MoneySells Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 I wouldn't worry about it, sounds like you are putting all your eggs in one baskets. If this lunch date goes well, then maybe something will happen. I'd wish her well on her interview, and go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
MoneySells Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 After i posted that last msg, my ex called me to see how i was doing, i've had a bad flu bug for like the past 2 days. I guess she called my best friends wife, and she said they still like me. I"m like yeah they are being nice. and she goes.. just because i don't want to be with you, doesn't mean you friends will hate me. Sometimes I think she likes to throw that in there, " i don't want to be with you" but she'll only say it when i'm not playing her games, or when she knows she's wrong on something. If she really didn't want to be with me, why would she be trying to contact my friends, or try to still have some sort of relationship with me. she's like WAY confused in her little world these days. Link to post Share on other sites
julieg Posted December 5, 2003 Share Posted December 5, 2003 kit, sorry i didnt answer you before. here is my take on your situation presently. she is very mixed up and trying take control. she sees herself in the future without you but is torn in the present with her feelings for you. believe me she certainly loves you but like sarah said (and i felt with my bf) she sees the dreams she has for herself as her prime focus. i was looking for a guy who had the same or similar future career goals- very ambitious, fantastically intelligent......etc. no, i never got back together with my ex bf. to this day it does bother me (the what ifs) like you he was a wonderful guy, would do anything for me. i regret now that we didn't stay friends after all we spent 4 years together. at the time it was not a possibility, it was too hard to go from lovers to "just" friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted December 6, 2003 Author Share Posted December 6, 2003 Julie.......after you feel so strongly about your ex......you have not thought of trying to get back with him now? Even after this amount of time apart? You clearly still care and love him...you even say to yourself that maybe he could be the one????? Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted December 6, 2003 Share Posted December 6, 2003 Julie - I'm curious too Julie, are you involved now? Why haven't you called the ex? Is it just too late? Or was he really not all the things you said now that you have the perspective of time? Sarah - Hey, I am definitely in option #2, but I am also open to new people. I can't rely on the what if. I have to keep my options open. But that said, I'm not actively looking. I've never been the ladies man and my relationships have gotten longer and longer over the years. I'm honesty still very hopeful that she will come around, despite the lack of contact and the time and other guys involved. Mostly because I think the breakup was due to divorce trauma. I don't think this was just a rebound thing for her. We discussed the transition guy thing, we talked about kids, we talked about the long term future (some, though not as much as maybe i should have). We dated for 7 months and prior to that we were very close work partners and friends for about a year. Before we ever started dating I was in love with her. About 2-2 1/2 years now. But as she was married, it was never mentioned or revealed. She had no idea until she separated and started to show interest. And even then I didn't tell her about how I felt before that. I didn't want to pressure her. She knows now, because alot of things came flowing out of me when she left. So anyway... I was going to say that I had alot of time to think about things before I ever got involved. I thought about the challenge of step parenting and whether or not I could handle that. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I could handle it. She had started to push me about things, while estranged from her husband, but not yet separated. That went on for about 2 months. Eventually I decided that I did want to pursue things with her, kids and all, the total package. She separated and we started seeing each other. And that family image started to become my future to me. But I played it very slow, wanting to wait until the divorce was final before moving into the kids lives. Even now, 3 months later, I was at the mall tonight xmas shopping and I was noting toys that her kids would like and things that would be good gifts for her. I went for a job interview a few weeks ago and when I came out I was aching to call her and tell her how it went. While I certainly don't feel like she still belongs to me, I feel like I lost much more than just a girlfriend. That and my mid-life crisis and her timing all of this right before my birthday and the holidays make everything much more painful. But I am finally in a frame of mind where, though hopeful, I don't really expect her to ever get her head on straight enuf to come back. Certainly I offered her alot. As much as she offered me. And with her financial situation post-divorce being as bad as it is, I have tangible proof that she wasn't a gold-digger. If she was, she wouldn't have left me, staying would have solved all of those problems. So now the question is if she will come around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted December 8, 2003 Author Share Posted December 8, 2003 Ok, had the appointment to see her for lunch today. We kissed each other hello (on the cheek) and hugged each other too. We walked to have lunch somewhere talking about her job interview and how she went in it etc. Mostly small talk but no silence. We got to the place to eat and she picked what she wanted and I ordered and paid and we sat down on a table, across from each other. We talked mainly about her and her family, what progress she had with her house and what she's planning on doing next year in regards to her trip away. Also brought up her trip to Thailand and what she was experiencing over there. Nothing was mentioned about the two of us and I never brought anything up, although i was dying to ask! She looked so beautiful sitting across from me and just so wanted to hug her and tell her that I loved her. I didnt stare at her too much, occassionally glancing away looking at things going past etc. It went for about an hr and a half and at the end when we were walking the seperate ways, we kissed each other goodbye (quick peck on the lips) and a longer hug at whcih she said "thanks for lunch, will see you again soon" and I replied "i hope so" .......and that was it! I miss her so badly, wanted her back so much.......what should I do now? I havent sms'd or anything to her since i've walked back from lunch. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 Wait. I know it's hard, but right now you will come across as needy if you follow up too soon. Give it a couple days, and if you don't hear from her, re-evaluate it then and decide. Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 I agree with lost. You don't want to appear needy right now. I say give it 5 days to a week or so, see how things go. Keep yourself occupied in the meantime with other things! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted December 8, 2003 Author Share Posted December 8, 2003 Am i supposed to wait for her to contact me in some way? Or am I waiting for time to pass before I contact her again??? Link to post Share on other sites
Bogo123 Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 id say wait for her to contact you. For the most part it seems that you have been initiating things. Its her turn now. It'll be tough, but keep yourself busy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted December 8, 2003 Author Share Posted December 8, 2003 I've been talking to a few concerned and genuine mates who say the same thing "keep yourself busy". I have no problem keeping myself busy during the day, its at night, when i go to sleep that I slow down and lie in bed alone that the thoughts start comign into my head and I start thinking of what I had, what i lost and what Im without... makes me sad and 'emotional'...... thats the hardest thing, being alone in bed when all the other time you used to look forward going to sleep in each other's arms! Link to post Share on other sites
julieg Posted December 8, 2003 Share Posted December 8, 2003 kittwalker- believe me i have had too many dreams about my ex to mention. we are both married now with too many years gone by. he married a girl on the rebound from me who has an uncanny resemblence to me. i just hope he is happy- he is such a great person. for years after our breakup i sought out men who physically resembled my ex only to be disapointed in the end. i am married to a great guy but totally different from my ex-it took me 10 years after our breakup to find someone who measured up. if he had not married so fast after our breakup there is a good chance we might have got back together. especially if we had reached a common goal with which we were both passionate about. i however moved far away to attend grad school and there was little chance for this to happen. with your gf moving so far away, i think that you both may be in a similar situation. with time and distance between you there is a good chance you both will become different people. your gf may have a much harder time of it than you. when i moved away i didn't realize it at the time but i was severely depressed. i almost failed out of school. it was much the same as what one goes through after the death of a spouse. i never really dealt with the breakup in a healthy way. i thought that when we broke up, it would be easy and i would be able to concentrate on my career. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted December 9, 2003 Author Share Posted December 9, 2003 She rang!!!!!!!!!! now it wasn't to ring to ask to get back together or to ask if we can talk or anything like that....she was in a particular store that we used to frequent and she rang to find out the name of this particular 'bottle' of mushrooms that we used to use when we cooked! We talked a few minutes about it and she laughed and joked saying she missed the omlettes we made. She ended the call with "I'll talk to you later!" Am i looking too much into it? If I am, can't help it, made me smile for the rest of the afternoon!!!! Its the first time she's just rung out of the blue! Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted December 9, 2003 Share Posted December 9, 2003 That's great Kit, wait for her to ring again. You are building a comfort level in her. I'm happy for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted December 9, 2003 Author Share Posted December 9, 2003 You dont think I should follow it up with an invitation to dinner sometime? Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted December 9, 2003 Share Posted December 9, 2003 Actually, I think you might be getting a dinner invitation soon. It's her move. If you don't hear anything today, call tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted December 10, 2003 Author Share Posted December 10, 2003 Cheers Lost! Im keeping my fingers crossed! I actually had it in the back of my mind to give her a call late tomorrow to see if she's interested! Link to post Share on other sites
Kanuk Posted December 10, 2003 Share Posted December 10, 2003 You're a lucky bastard. I feel fgreat for you! I, however, havn't even gotten so much as a "how are you holding up" in the 6 and a half weeks since my dumping. I did, however, get a "i think it's best if we both move on for now. I don't think I'm ready to talk to you yet, but I'll let you know when I am". over ICQ What was the maximum time you went without hearing a word from her? Do you think receiveing a message like i got is a sign there IS hope, or that there's NO hope? Link to post Share on other sites
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