Can I get her back?

[KitWalker]

KANUK, still got a ways to go, i mean, im not even sure she's interested in going to dinner with me??? I just post up as it happens and get opinions from everyone here....

 

Ur a newbie in this forum I presume, it might be worth reading threads from the beginning til the end, lots of valuable info and insights in them and you get to see from when it first started until current time....everyone in here is pretty good, they update as they go along, so kinda like 'days of our lives'.....check it out!

[lost_in_chgo]

Update here too.

 

I was told that her reason for the breakup was definitely post divorce stress and insecurity about what she wants for the future. I represent a committed relationship, which she was not ready for. The other things she said were maybe problems or at least concerns of hers, but not the reason she left. And she does still care. So I wait, but with a lighter heart and a bit more hope.

 

I've been advised to date while I wait.

[KitWalker]

Great Lost!!! Looks like the time thing is paying off for a few of us!!! About time I reckon!!!! All this time being sad and not knowing, its slowly starting to turn around! Lets hope it does the full 360!

[mr_roggger]

I know it's not my thread, and hence not a question to me, but in reply to "What was the maximum time you went without hearing a word from her?"

I phoned her one Wednesday after attempting to see her the Saturday before (this wednesday was a full week after our break-up). This was a hurtfull call to me (and rightly so as I'd been an ass recently and annoyed/bugged her), and wish I hadnt called then. I asked if she'd even consider talking to me and I got a big fat no (once again, the sensible answer for her to choose as even though I said I was ready, I know now that I wasn't). She hung up, I got pissed off/upset...

4 weeks later I phoned. We chatted happliy for over 20 mins, then i asked if we could meet for lunch and catch up. To my surprise (and pleasure) she said yes straight up. We chatted happliy for a further 10 mins. We arranged to meet for dinner, that had to be re-scheduled (phone calls to do this involved a further 40+ mins of good conversation) but here I am nearly 2 weeks after that call (5 1/2 from last contact, 6 1/2 since break-up) after going out for dinner and drinks with her and having a great time (she did too I think!)

I think that this is fairly good proof that time helps!

[lost_in_chgo]

amateur.

 

I'm on 6wks from last contact from her, 3 months since breakup

[sarah12]

mr rogger and anyone else - you will be ready to talk to her when you don't expect anything to come out of the conversation other than a decent conversation. If you have any expectations from the phone call/meeting, it will show, believe me.

 

It's been about 8.5 months since I broke things off with the ex and I ran into him today. I can tell that he is still sooo not over things at all...he is still semi-stalking me and will arrange his schedule/activities around looking for me. Although we can have an OK conversation, I would by no means say that it is great. It is awkward because he makes it awkward. He stood so close to me while talking that I thought I was going to fall over. He kept asking me where I was going and mentioned my whereabouts the last few times I've gone out - he's had people checking up on me. Ya..it's not good.

 

Anyways, I am in another situation now..and also waiting for an answer..but trying hard to not wait anymore and just move along...*sigh..yes..I know I should take my own advice..

[lost_in_chgo]

Sarah -

Not every guy who wants his girl back is a psycho

Not sure how you meant that "when you don't expect anything "

Giving up is not necessary for reconciliation.

But neediness is a sure impediment.

 

I think those trying to reconcile could learn something from your situation and attitude.

Certainly your ex handled it incorrectly and still is, enuf that you view him as needy and out of control.

 

Guys! Don't push your luck! This is what happens!

She will think you are a needy, out of control psycho!

[sarah12]

lost - thank you for reminding me of this. It has just been a terrible 8.5 months dealing with this situation, and I have to remind myself too that not all guys are like this. It has become a big fear of mine, going into relationships, that they will not understand and not let me go, if the time ever comes.

 

I really am a very nice person, I probably seem like a awful, mean, ex girlfriend, but I really am not. It is just that his actions have stirred up all these awful feelings I have inside. Half the time I see him and he mentions something to me about how he knows of my whereabouts, I just want to yell at him and make him understand that he has got to stop before he drives himself crazy. But I have already done that many times over. I could not believe it myself that I had to actually yell at him once for asking me out to dinner.. "no, no, absolutely NO..you have to take no as meaning no, and not yes or maybe...no means NO". As you can probably guess, I had told him no about a million times and I just lost it that time. When he asked me to dinner, he said "I just want to take you out for a good time, and have a nice dinner" and I told him to ask himself what he really wanted from this. He admitted to wanting me back. lost - I guess this is what I meant by not expecting anything. I would like for him to get to the point where I/he can ask to go out and do something, without him expecting me to get back together with him or have any hopes of it, just because I said yes to going out. That is when I will know that he is ready to be friends.

[lost_in_chgo]

Sarah-

What are you trying to get out of seeing and talking to him?

Stop it.

You are torturing this guy, even if you don't mean to.

Either go out with him, or stop seeing him entirely. Or get him fixed up with someone else.

He is not going to give up hope if he keeps seeing you.

 

The friends thing rarely works, and it takes a heroic effort on the dumpees part to deal with it. It doesn't sound like he is up to it.

But, wait...

In my case, I know that I will love my ex til the day I die. Even if she never comes back. Because I love her and I'll always feel that way. The way I have fond memories of past loves today. I'm even in contact with one of them on a friends-email basis and we are discussing my current troubles.

 

Does he maybe just want to be friends for now? Can he deal with that?

 

If you want him to be friends, and he is always going to love you, and you can't be friends until he doesn't care anymore, then forget it, it isn't going to happen. But if he can deal with just being friends, then maybe you can difuse the whole thing with a single lunch. I know in my case, once she started seeing someone else, I never asked her to reconcile again, I just told her the door was open if she wanted to come back. But I asked to see her for lunch to save the friendship and she couldn't do it. I think she may have perceived it as an attempted reconciliation (or she had issues of her own to deal with). Either way, she couldn't handle it.

[sarah12]

lost - I think somewhere along the lines, I may have not made myself clear.

 

I do NOT want to have contact with him at all. I am NOT pushing for any kind of friendship at all. I just keep on bumping into him - we do go to the same school. I cannot be rude and completely ignore him when I see him.

 

Also, no, he can absolutely NOT deal with being friends. He wants to be friends, but I know he is not ready.

[lost_in_chgo]

Ok, are these accidental meetings really accidental or part of the stalking thing?

[sarah12]

Sometimes they are accidental, sometimes he knows exactly where I will be at what time and he "happens" to be passing by, and then follows me around.

 

Other times, like yesterday, it was a combination. It was accidental, and then he followed me around. He went totally out of his way to do that (follow me).

[lost_in_chgo]

OK, I take it back, he's progressed into early stages of stalking.

Technically it's harassment and it's illegal if you've warned him.

If he escalates into threats, you should immediate contact campus security or the police. Try not to walk alone. You should take this very seriously. Don't underestimate his ability to get worse.

 

Here's federal law, some of the more psychotic State Laws would define giving flowers or other gifts more than once, emailing more than once, or IMing more than once as stalking if you've been asked not to. That's really a terrible thing when you think about it, the law defining common attempts to reconcile a relationship as harassment. People often reject an initial overture for resolution of a disagreement only to accept successive offers. Of course, a complaint has to be made first. And the intent of the law is to safeguard potential victims.

 

But these laws, especially the harassment laws are often abused (usually by women) as a means of revenge against partners.

Many jurisdictions have strict policies that require police to make an arrest for any accusation, as a matter of policy, without evidence. The prosecutors then evaluate the case to determine the merit.

 

So be sure this is what you want to do before you make a call to police or security.

 

 

ARTICLE 17: HARASSMENT AND STALKING

passed in 1995

Section 16-3-1700. As used in this article:

 

(A) "Harassment" means a pattern of intentional, substantial, and

unreasonable intrusion into the private life of a targeted person that

causes the person and would cause a reasonable person in his position

to suffer mental distress. Harassment may include, but is not limited

to:

(1) following the targeted person as he moves from location to

location;

(2) visual, physical, or verbal contact that is initiated, maintained,

or repeated after a person has been provided notice that the contact

is unwanted;

 

 

(B) "Stalking" means a pattern of words or conduct that is intended to

cause and does cause a targeted person and would cause a reasonable

person in the targeted person's position to fear:

(1) death of the person or a member of the person's family;

(2) assault upon the person or a member of his family;

(3) bodily injury to the person or a member of his family;

(4) criminal sexual contact on the person or a member of his family;

(5) kidnapping of the person or a member of his family; or

(6) damage to the property of the person or a member of his family.

 

(D) "Pattern" means two or more acts within a ninety-day period.

 

(E) "Family" means a spouse, child, parent, sibling, or a person who

regularly resides in the same household as the targeted person.

[KitWalker]

Ok...........i just got off the phone to her, decided to give her a call and see if she wanted to go out for dinner some time? She said "yes" said she then asked when, i asked when is she free? She told me she wont be free until early next week, which I said was fine! Said that I will give her another call early next week to organise. Which she said was fine!

 

We had a little small talk about her house etc..nothing of much meaning and i left it at "ok, i'll give you a call early next week!"

 

Would have loved to have had it this weekend.....but I wont push it!

[lost_in_chgo]

Hey Kit, next time, ask her to call. See if she does. That'd be an even better indication of how she is looking at things.

[sarah12]

I was just going to say the same thing. Kit - giving her the option to call you will definitely give you a better indication of things.

 

But anyhow, I hope things go well at the dinner!

 

lost - thank you for the tips on the harrassment/stalking issue. I think that if he keeps this up, I will definitely have to have a word with him. I've told him already to stop doing this and he hasn't, but I will give it one more chance. I feel very uncomfortable at school these days knowing that I have spies on me. He seems to feel no shame either about telling me he has his eye on me. I have had to hide from him on several occasions. I guess it really has gotten to the point where it is like a part of my life even though I really shouldn't have to put up with it. Thanks again for the advice.

[DerangedAngel]

Awww! I'm sorry, Kit. I can't really relate to your problem, but I am wishing you the best of luck. I think all of your attempts to patch things up with the woman you love is very, very sweet and sincere. I hope that if something happened between my boyfriend and I, and he still wanted to be with me, that he would go about it in much the same way!

[KitWalker]

Gee thanks Deranged!!!! I hope that my ex will see things like you do one day! I've got soooooo many more things to spoil her with if things get back to how they were!!!

 

PS.......love your pic! Who is it?

[KitWalker]

yep yep, im hearing everyone about giving her time and space....but there is about a 75% chance that in Feb 04, she will be leaving for a holiday/work around the world for a year...this puts me in a spot obviously as if this is the case, I only basically have a couple of months to see if things can work out? Im worried if I leave it too long (eg. give her time....) that my time with her here in Oz will run out and she'll leave without me being able to maybe rectify and get things back to how they were????

 

Thoughts???

[KitWalker]

i sent an SMS on saturday (yesterday) to ask if she was busy that night....she replied a little while later saying she is babysitting and then has a girls night out. I told her it sounded like fun and have a good time.

 

I know I shouldnt have sent an SMS, but I guess I just wanted to see her again since the time we met up for lunch on Monday. Planning to hold out til tuesday before I call her again and make a time for dinner next week! Hopefully all goes well and I get some good news to update on here.....

[caretoomuch]

Hi,

 

I am new to the forum but have been following this thread as an interested bystander.

 

I have experienced a very similar relationship as kit has and over the past 2 months have watched my very beautiful lady slowly slip away. We had a very intense 12 month relationship full of love and caring. I was 18 months separated from my first wife whilst my GF had been married also previously. Unfortunately in October this year my GF decided to back off from the relationship and asked for space and time. In her words i was taking too long to get over my divorce and that i was too much work to make it right. She saw our relationship as 'on the rebound' and that she no longer could wait for me to be happy (despite meeting 7 months after separation from my wife).

 

I had very serious problems coming to terms with what my divorce would do to my two boys and this set me in a near constant state of sadness. I did not return her love as fully as she wanted.

 

Anyway it has been two months now and we have occasional contact but I am searching for a way to not have the old relationship back but to start a new relationship with this beautiful lady. She means the world to me and her loving and devotion was pure and real. I let her down, whilst not deliberately, by not making her my priority. despite the mitigating circumstances I now understand how i made her feel and the hopelessness in her mind. Despite my reality her reality was that I was not going to be there for her.

 

I have read this thread with interest trying to find insight on how to initiate a reconciliation. I know that by pressuring, pleading, reasoning I do not have a chance as these actions invalidate her feelings. I have come to realise that by accepting her reality and by slowly trying to relax and reduce the negative memories I may stand a chance at a second chance.

 

I have started a new life but deeply desire to have her in my future plans. Only time will tell as it is sometimes the only healer. And with time may come a chance as she will see me again as an attractive option.

 

Kit - hang in there as I know what you mean when you say - you want this lady forever and the love you have is also pure and real. Good luck and keep the updates coming as there are many of us looking for inspiration and a happy ending.

[KitWalker]

CARETOOMUCH thank you for your kind words!! That is exactly why I try to keep this thread updated, hopefully it will come out with a happy ending, if not...well it will be a thread i guess of things maybe NOT to do?

 

I got a chance to read over this thread from the beginning right up until today......big changes from the first day til today!!!

 

Hopefully some good news soon....keep your fingers crossed for me guys and gals!

[lost_in_chgo]

Everything's crossed here Kit. For all of us.

[johnnywinner]

I can relate to Kit.I am very confused about what the answer is in my own similar situation.I would appreciate it,if everyone read my post under the getting married section.It is similar in many ways. I WOULD APPRECIATE YOUR VIEWS ON MY SITUATION. The difference is I actually proposed and she refused at first and agreed later,but we ended up apart.My OPINION FOR YOU KIT IS TO BE CALM AND DO NOT TALK TO HER OFTEN.she needs time to get he r head together.She is kind of lost.I think she is afraid of commitment and is just scared.In time,she will truly realize and come back.This is my opinion.Good LUCK./ JOHNNYWINNER

[caretoomuch]

Kit,

 

The love we have for our respective partners is like the four seasons. When we meet our loves it was spring full of joy, excitment and happiness that would last forever. Then came summer when we found out the little things that annoyed us about our lovers. Then autumn when life got hard and we needed to be sure of our hearts. We are both now in winter when the snow (for the non-australians amongst us) has frozen our hearts and we survive in a harsh world alone. What we need to do is not want the old relationship but to create new relationships with these most beautiful of people. We know in our hearts that we desire to be with these ladies forever. We must dispell the negative memories and create new ones full of joy and happiness again. We need to create spring time and prove to them as well as ourselves we are worthy of this fight. All people are born to be heroes in some way. This fight is my challenge to do what is right and good ... to be a hero at last to a most beautiful lady and her daughter. I can not undo the past but i can most cerainly make the present and future. This is the fight of our lives and if you, like me, know it is right then DO NOT GIVE UP, despite all the advice and all the books we have read. Our hearts know what is the true and pure and it is our hearts that will give us peace of mind, heart, body and soul. The pain we have felt is worth it once we hold these pretty ladies near again. To know they love us back is the greatest gift of all. It is a fight of their realities versus our realities and for us to bridge the gap with love and caring. I know in my heart that this is worth it and whether i win or loose i am proud of myself for standing and fighting for love. Our respective little battles are like small patches of love that when sewn together will make a quilt of love that can start to change this world and we can all be safe again.

 

Go for it .... no body can care too much ... it is your heart that will say when to stop ... and no body has the right to tell you otherwise.

 

A toast to love and the beautiful ladies that fill our souls.