Can I get her back?

[KitWalker]

CARETOOMUCH, its words like those that give me and the rest of us so much strength and drive to push on and get back our loved ones. upon our break up with my ex, i didnt see it as "goodbye" I saw it as "see you later". I believe in everything you have just said and I am glad that you and others also believe in the same thing that I do...the words and the phrases that you have used have just summed up everything that I feel toward my ex and what I am feeling now in my heart.

 

She is my one, my only and my future wife, i can feel it and I know it........i just hope that she can see it in my eyes....and feel it when she is around me!!!

 

Thank you CARE.....you made me feel great inside!

[caretoomuch]

Kit,

 

I have felt for the past 2 months that for me to regain the trust of my love that I must first let go with love. In fact to win this we must first loose. To risk loosing her forever in order to start again. As males we are sometimes not too bright and we realise things a little too late. Our hearts are just as emitional and pure as the females we are just too proud to show it.

 

I do not know where this journey will take me but i am sure that i will be a stronger more worthy person.

 

I feel that in my heart this lady is confused, hurt and frightened by me and the future that i represent for her. I can be sure that i will never doubt, mistrust or take for granted her love again.

 

To wake up every morning and the first ting i think of is her means that i love her and i can give no more.

 

Be at peace and relax and then she will see the man she fell in love with again and spring will return. It is our duty to make every day spring from now on and for us to never take love for granted again.

 

I once saw a movie where the hero was asked 'why do you care so much' and the reply from him will stay with me forever ... 'you can never care too much'. It is you and as much as your heart is prepared to give. Never be ashamed of this .... we are born , we live and we die ... it is what we do with this middle part that truely matters.

 

Be cool and follow the advice ... no pressure and she will come back.

[lost_in_chgo]

Sydney wakes up with two years of her life missing to find her boyfriend Michael Vaughn has remarried. They eventually have a confrontation about it:

 

She says:

What it comes down to is faith. What I was hoping you would say is, 'Sydney, I gave up, I gave up. I lost faith. But what you came here for was closure. And there is not a chance you're getting that from me. I'm not gonna say 'I understand.' I'm not gonna sympathize with you and tell you how *hard* it must be for you... But you want to know how I am? I am *horrible*, Vaughn. I am ripped apart. And not because I lost you, but because... if it had been me... I would have waited. I would have found out the truth. I wouldn't have given up on you... and now I realize... what an absolute *waste* that would have been.

[KitWalker]

LOST, great words.......your view on them mate?

[KitWalker]

CARE i hear you with regards to no pressure and she will return. I have gone from not being able to contact her at all, to where she is now taking my calls and replying to my SMS's. though I have not overstepped the mark and bombarded her with contact! Each call or SMS i make, i post the update in here...so you can see how often I do contact her.

 

I do hope that she will initiate contact some time....that to me would be the biggest hurdle overcome....as it is now, its just me doing the first point of contact ....

 

Later today I will be giving her a call to see when is good for dinner.....i plan to take the next day off work so that if things go well I can stay out til the wee hours....but in saying that, im not getting ahead of myself!!!

[Kanuk]

I think i asked this before, but i don't remember the answer. But how long did you go before your ex would even talk to you?

 

I'm just looking for a comparison and some hope here, but my ex hasn't said a word to me in 7 weeks, not voluntarily of course. She did tell me to move on for now and she'd get back to me when she was ready.

 

Still, some say 7 weeks isn't a long time, others say it is more than enough time for her to get back to me.

 

MY friends who still live in the same city as her have only seen her a couple of times. But they saw us when we were together, and they seem to think that if I just leave her alone for a while (don't say how long) she WILL talk to me again, they don't gaurentee a good result, but they think at least she will talk to me again. I'm still not convinced though.

 

Who needs 2 months just to say Hi?

[mr_roggger]

Shortly after my break-up my Ex wouldn't talk to me. 5 Weeks later i phoned her and we chatted happily. I phoned her twice after that before meeing her. We had a great time together, better than the times we had towards the end of our relationship. The phone calls were also good. She initiated a little contact once, and I am expecting to get a call etc. from her this week since I asked her a question in a note in with her Christmas card.

[Kanuk]

You lucky bastard, i envy you.

 

Looks like you may be on your way to getting her back, at least you have her in your life.

 

7 weeks and a day and not a word from her. If her method of dealing with her ex boyfriends and her parents devorce is any indication, she doesn't care about me anymore.

 

That seems to be how she deals with things. I asked her if it bothered her when her parents got devorced. no. did she miss or hate any of her ex's? no. Didn't care either way. Her friends all said before she met me she figured she'd never love or get married cause she believed she was incabable of love. Then she met me. Maybe it's a self defense mechanism for her. I'd like to think she still cares.

[KitWalker]

Some of you who have been following may know that today I was planning to give the ex a call to confirm when dinner this week would be good?

 

WElllllllll........about 2mins ago (prior to me ringing as i've been too busy here at work!) i got an SMS from her as she was around this area to see if I wanted to go for a coffee with her for an hour as she had a lunch appointment afterwards!

 

WOW!!!!!!!! I feel sooooooooo great!!!!! I will have to admit that it was VERY unexpected....i know, i know, I shouldnt be getting too excited.....

 

Will let u know more when I get back!

[mr_roggger]

You lucky bastard, i envy you.

 

Not too sure about that one! I am not in the best of situations now am I!?

 

Congratualtions Kit, her initiating contact with you is a step in the right direction for sure! I am waiting on something similar this week, but trying not to keep too much hope as I would be crushed if it didn't happen!

[KitWalker]

Back from coffee.....

 

Same as last time, we kissed each other (peck on the lips) hello and walked off to the coffee shop. ALong the way she gave me a Xmas card and a couple of chocolate biscuits that she made.....she also made the same for a few others in the building. So it was nothing special.

 

We sat and talked for a while. she told me about all the plans and where's shes going on her trip when she goes. She hasnt heard from her interview she had and so she's not fussed if she gets the job or not as she said she's looking forward to travelling. says she'll be going around asia first and then to sweden, ireland, amsterdam and prolly italy. She's travelling on her own and meeting up with some of her cousins along the way. Told me about what she's been doing with her days whilst she's not working. Helping her mum, finishing her house ready to be sold etc.

 

I listened a lot through all of this. Just being attentive and smiling here and there. She mentioned how her brother was thinking of getting married to his g/friend as he's been checking out ring magazines etc....made me sad at that point to think that I was so close to asking her before all of this.....

 

At the end of the coffee, we kissed goodbye and hugged for a while and wished each other a merry Xmas. I checked to see if dinner was still on for this week, she said sure. Thursday is the date set....but I dont know where to go from here guys? I mean, is this another time together talking about what her plans are and what her family have been doing? Should I start bringing up anything up about us? I mean does she see me only as a friend and nothing more? Does she think that we'll only be ever friends again????

 

Her Xmas card she gave me said the following:

 

Wishing you a wonderful Xmas and happy a fantastic new year. 2003 brought many changes for us both and I hope 2004 is full of wonderful experience, positive changes and loads of laughter, love and happiness for you. Have a special time with everyone close to you and soak up the laughter...

 

Lots of love as always...

 

Any views and thoughts guys? Im not feeling happy and excited if I am supposed to?

[lost_in_chgo]

That's the same crap I got. "I love you, I have feelings for you. Here is the box you are expected to stay in, the walls are invisible, step outside them and I will go nuts and never talk to you again. Oh and the walls move all the time."

 

We're in that movie "The Cube". My room is locked and yours are sliding around.

 

If the girls really have disconnected, then these are just selfish games that are designed to ease their own guilt or pain.

If they haven't then, what the hell? Just say so and tell the truth. That'd be easier to understand. It's immature, selfish, and or petty. Mine has an excuse, she's temporarily insane due to divorce. Yours want to find her chi or whatever.

 

Frankly, i'm wondering if these girls have stone hearts. Is it a defense mechanism? Is it permanent? Did we just get dropped into a "friend maybe" slot? I know I'm going to end up waiting forever and hardening my own heart and she'll find the same thing when she returns. That is not what I want but I can feel it happening. Her loss. I'm getting more communication from my previous ex and my old boss than from her. That's really sad. The UPS guy is more concerned about me than my so called friends. The people on this board are my support group. Thanks, but that's really a sad state of affairs when you think about it.

 

Everyone keeps telling me "everything will work out for the best. It always does." But that's a load of optimistic, feel good crap. Things don't work out all the time. People go insane, end up locked up or on the streets. People kill themelves or climb a tower and start popping off shots. People just go missing, families break up, and the world goes on. Everything works out for the best. Yeah Right.

 

Like I posted somewhere else:

"what you came here for was closure. And there is not a chance you're getting that from me. I'm not gonna say 'I understand.' I'm not gonna sympathize with you and tell you how *hard* it must be for you... But you want to know how I am? I am *horrible*, I am ripped apart. And not because I lost you, but because... if it had been me... I would have waited."

 

or some such.

 

That's from "Alias". Sidney wasn't dumped, she was dead, Vaughn remarried and he wasn't really sorry for moving on with his life, Sidney felt betrayed, eventually they made up, and are currently uninvolved due to the complication of Vaughn's wife.

 

End Negative Rant

 

 

Good luck Kit, you're doing better than me. At least she cares if you are happy. Even if she doesn't want to be part of that.

Maybe absence will make the heart grow fonder and when she returns, she'll be interested again. It doesn't sound like you made progress, but at least the door is open for the future.

 

So now back to the closure reference...as it applies to our real lives...

When she says she wants to be friends, is she really looking for closure? Is letting her have this a good thing or a bad thing? Does it give her a comfort zone or allow her to withdraw without facing her actions and feelings?

 

Kit's in the process of giving her this. I tried, but pulled the plug after awhile.

 

Sarah12? Butterfly1? Anyone? perspective please.

[NotaBadGuy]

Kit, sounds like things are heading in a more positive direction for you, but I would not get too excited just yet. This woman appears to want to have you in her life, but for what reason. Is it just as a good friend or is to to see where things may end up in the future. Its a tough call that only time will tell. But you have the luxury of knowing that she does still care about you in some shape form or fashion. I don't know much about the timing issue so I cannot speak on how long these types of situations take to pan out for good or bad. I wish the best for you. Think positive and do not let your emotions overide your rationality. Just my thoughts.

 

lost in chicago, I feel your pain. I do not understand woman right now myself. If you are interested, check out my post -->http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=138701#post138701

I have no answers for you but feel the same as you. It seems as if some women do play games to ease thier own guilt. I think it is a defense mechanism for some of them. I don't know your story completley, but feel as if I can relate to you on at least the feeling of despair. I often feel trapped in the bottom of a well yelling for anyone, but only hear my echos. It is a tough situation and to hear positive stories about how others break the code of silence can be difficult yet rewarding. I offer you no answers, only my condolences. Take a look at the post above and see if you can put a finger on my situation. It is different than yours, but in some ways the same. Best of luck and keep your head up regardless of what you do. My two cents. Take them as you may.

[sarah12]

hey guys..sorry I have been out of the loop for the past week or so. I just got caught up on this never ending thread!!

 

First of all - congrats to kit and lost..you both seemed to get some responses!

 

So now back to the closure reference...as it applies to our real lives...

When she says she wants to be friends, is she really looking for closure? Is letting her have this a good thing or a bad thing? Does it give her a comfort zone or allow her to withdraw without facing her actions and feelings?

I'm not exactly sure which closure reference you are referring to, however I will try to answer this as best as I can. As you know, in my case, when I said I wanted to be friends with my ex, I truly just wanted to be friends. Nothing more. However, you also know that the circumstances of my case was much different. I truly did want closure on the issue, I wanted us to both be able to have a friendship with each other, and I believed it was possible from my end because I did like him as a person. However, it was as if he became someone different and I could not see myself being friends with him anymore. Or as you have suggested, lost, he was never who he truly was when I was with him. In any case, I believe that closure is always a good thing, but that some people need it more than others, and some will take more time than others to get to that point. I don't think that guys and girls differ too much on the closure issue. For me, I like closure because without it, I will never be able to fully move on.

 

Lost - you are right in everything that you've posted here, especially about the alias reference. I don't watch that show, but I do believe that you should hold on, to wait for the truth. You mentioned that you've heard the ex broke up with you because she needed time to sort through the post-divorce stress and that you represent a committed relationship. I think that you do have reason to wait..if she knows in her heart and her head that you are a good thing for her. What reason does anyone have to turn away from a good thing?

 

kit - you have progressed a lot through all this! From your posts, I can only decipher that she wants either one of two things: 1) to really just be friends 2) a relationship, but she needs to do her own thing before fully committing to you, and doesn't want to let you know that in case fate doesn't let it happen. By #2, I mean that she wants time to experience life on her own - travel, figure out her career - before committing to you. She may feel that she wouldn't do all this otherwise and doesn't want to tell you her thoughts on whether or not a relationship will come out in the end, because that will make you hold on until she comes back, and she doesn't want that kind of pressure. Regarding #1, this could also be a possibility. She does seem to enjoy your friendship and companionship. This is not necessarily a bad thing. Consider yourself lucky and you have definitely done all the right things if she is wanting to spend some time with you. You have to remember to keep that up..do not push for anything right now. If she has something to say, she will say it, especially if she knows she is leaving soon. Do NOT bring up anything about the relationship on thursday. You still have time. Keep doing the same things as always. Don't call or sms too often. Keep it as minimal as possible. And remember..you are a lot better off now than you were just a short while ago..and the most important part is that there is communication.

[KitWalker]

Sarah, you've basically answered a lot of questions that I had on my mind. you are right about the two options that I thought was going through her head, i was on the verge of asking her both of those on Thursday night, but I 've decided against it (as much as it hurts) and just play along as i have been and see where it takes us.

 

I thought that maybe, well hoped is more the word, that the xmas card would've held some special mention to me or to us....maybe give me some insight for the future? But from what i read, and the msg I got, is that she's wishing me well for the future......

 

Your #2 options seems closer to the mark Sarah. She has not been one to just get up and go nor has she ever told me during the relationship how she wanted to go and just travel. She has always been the level headed, stable person and starting at a young age buying and investing in her house and now to finally just get up and sell it all and quit her job, very unlike her character at all! I do know her, and when you say that she hasnt told me in fear of being pressured with me waiting for her....that is exactly her! But what my question is, if she does want that relatinoship with me when she gets back....what do you think will trigger her to come back to me? Do you think if she came back and knew that I was still single she would be happy? What would she be thinking whilst she's away? If someone came into her life, would she turn away and ignore them keeping herself single at the same time waiting to return to me??? I will admit that i have gone out for coffee with a few ladies here and there, but nothing more as I just don't feel anything for them whilst I still have my heart on my ex.....would she be the same too?

 

I know that waiting for her to return and seeing what happens is what some of you might think is "stupid". But I really believe that the two of us are meant to be and i would do whatever it takes, no matter how stupid or unbelievable it would be......I mentioned at coffee today that there might be a chance I would go over to Italy to visit family for a holiday...she said if I did it would be good as she would have someone to look up when she's over in Europe. Look up???? Does that mean if I was someone she vaguely knew here in oz and was over in another country she would "look them up" too???

 

Happy and confused after reading the posts.....but I guess its helped me make my decision on how Im going to act and what to say on Thrusday night.

 

I've booked a restaurant by the river, overlooking the city lights at night. I sms'd to advise and she said she'll meet me there. Told her not to drive as it would be a 'drinking' night...said she doesnt drink that much now and that she only really eats white meat and seafood. I told her that she doesnt have to drink much, just some and that the restaurant specialises in seafood! My reasoning for her not to drive is so that she can drink and in turn feel a little relaxed after a glass or two. The restaurant by the river allows you to go for a walk after eating to take in the scenery and I guess talk......stay away from the topic on relationships and about us then???? Where does this get me though? Will she just see me as a mate and enjoy just going with me like she does with her other mates???

[sarah12]

But what my question is, if she does want that relatinoship with me when she gets back....what do you think will trigger her to come back to me? Do you think if she came back and knew that I was still single she would be happy? What would she be thinking whilst she's away? If someone came into her life, would she turn away and ignore them keeping herself single at the same time waiting to return to me???

These answers are left up to the future. No one can predict what will happen. I will tell you though that some people change a lot after they've gone away somewhere. There is something about travelling that can change a person.

 

I know that you want to wait for her until she comes back and see how things go..but I think that you should not turn away opportunities if they come up. There is nothing wrong with casual dating as long as it is kept at that if your heart isn't ready. I believe this is also the advice that you gave me! I can definitely understand the waiting though, if you know that it is something worth waiting for. I think you should find out her intentions, but not just yet..give it some more time. You still have a month and a half or so before she leaves right?

 

stay away from the topic on relationships and about us then???? Where does this get me though? Will she just see me as a mate and enjoy just going with me like she does with her other mates???

This gets you further in the long run. Remember, if you bring things up, she'll know immediately that there is pressure, and from the looks of it, going on this around the world trip and all, she doesn't need or want that before she goes. She wants to be free over there. Not many people go on these trips by themselves, she must be one tough girl, and she won't let anything get in her way.

[caretoomuch]

Kit,

 

I agree with Sarah. No pressure. To dredge up the relationship thing with her now will just remind her of the negative memories. By going along with the 'friends' thing she will with time see you in a positive light. It is all about de-energising the negative and creating positives. By talking and reminding her of the negatives you are in fact telling her that you know better than her and that you are right and she is wrong.

 

Just create new positive memories and leave the door open. Sure you are risking a lot and the future is frightening but it is the only wayi believe. It is easy to understand this concept but very difficult to actually do.

 

The 'friends' thing is very hard and confusing and we tend to exaggerate the meaning of things at the moment. Just relax and go with her on this - pressure will only confirm her negatives.

 

I had a very similar thing with my ex over the past 2 months. When it first happened she told me 'give me space' which i did but then she called 3 days later asking me over ... we had a great night and ended up in bed with her saying 'i didnt expect that to happen'. The next day i smsed her and she had reverted back to give me space. Then 4 weeks later things had come to a head and she told me it was over. Then 4 days later she calls and wants to go out to sydney harbour and watch some fire works. Boy was i confused (i still am) as to why straight after being told it is over to be contacted and have another great evening. I am not sure what to draw from this (any help / comments). Anyway we can at least talk now but limited ... she is coming over with her mum and daughter on saturday for a pre-xmas dinner ... no pressure and just happy positive times. I want her to see me as an option but it must be her decision.

 

good luck with dinner tomorrow.

[sarah12]

caretoomuch - I do not know your full story, but from what I gather, you have been patient with her and have followed he requests. She seems very unsure at the moment about what she wants. The fact that you are there for her though, when she needs you, is a good thing. It is unfair to you though, but you seem willing to wait it out. If she sees you being there for her all the time, then she will know that you are a good thing for her. But she can't string you along forever, so at some point in time, you're going to have to ask her what's the deal.

[caretoomuch]

sarah,

 

I agree and this is what happened about 4 weeks ago. She told me it was over and that it was too much work. She said she loved me but that she felt i was not over my divorce yet. Anyway, as upsetting as it was to be told it was over i accepted that and felt it was time to move on. But then she called to go out again with her and her daughter to the fireworks. I added nothing to the experience for her, so that is why i am confused as to why she called and asked me out. I figure that it was a little too early (as it was only 4 days after being told it was over) to be starting the 'lets be friends' thing. I feel she is very confused and that maybe she does want me but sees the risks as too great and hence the on again off again nature. I am not waiting as such, and if some magic comes into my life i will go with it, but on the other hand i am not actively searching for anyone else as i see this lady as the best option for me. I just want to create an environment that will allow reconciliation if she chooses so. I will not be used and i feel that to show her that will in fact only strengthen me in her mind.

 

cheers ... have fun

[KitWalker]

Care, you've got it nicely planned out. It seems sensible to create a more 'positive' atmosphere for your loved one...something that i will have to learn to do. So far the meets with my ex have been chatty but not yet close. We do hug for a while saying goodbye....so I know something is there. Do you think being 'close' to her sitting down or walking side by side is too much?

 

Just so hard to sit across from the table and look and listen to her as a 'friend' rather than as her boyfriend. We never went anywhere without being affectionate (kissing, hugging, holding hands etc) and now...its just all stopped

 

This sucks.........

[sarah12]

kit - sometimes I think that the best relationships come out of friendships. You said that you wish you could be affectionate with her and that it's hard not to be, but maybe being her friend for a while could be a good thing. The friendship base is one of the most important parts of a relationship. Also, it's a different kind of friendship..I can't really explain it but I think it's one of the most fun and best parts of a relationship. Believe it or not, I never realized it until the last guy I dated, after having had 3 boyfriends and dated a few other guys.

 

Do you think being 'close' to her sitting down or walking side by side is too much?

My ex did this with me recently..he walked very close to me, and I thought that was too much for being friends. Don't push it when you don't know what her intentions or feelings are..

[mr_roggger]

What is too close. You have to walk beside someone when you are together and chattin' with them right?

[sarah12]

There is a threshold that most people don't cross when they talk to you. For example, if someone is leaning right up against you, talking to you, I would think that is too close. I ran into my ex a few weeks ago and he was walking so close to me that if he was any closer, I would have fallen off the sidewalk.

[caretoomuch]

Kit,

 

Being close as such is not the problem, just do not crowd her and most certainly do not initiate any contact with her. Let her come to you. Friendship is a great start as Sarah said. This forms the solid basis of a relationship and then the affection will follow. Do not push a good position, hours of good work can be undone with one touch or one word. I recently went out with my ex and we were having a great time, then i stupidly tried to hold her hand. she flicked it away and said 'dont do that - not now'. Later however she came to me and gave me a huge hug that said 'i still care' and like you that is why i dont give up because in that hug said it is not really over yet. just go slow it may take months (i know your time is short) but you must leave her with only positives and nothing that can confirm any of her negative feelings. i am havng my ex and daughter over for saturday pre-xmas dinner and i too must do as i say. i know it is so hard not to hold and touch her when she is near but we must learn.

 

let her come to you by creating a safe, non-pressure environment .... it has to be her decision and not forced.

 

have fun tonight and be cool (despite the fear in you heart). good luck

[KitWalker]

Thanks for the encouraging words CARE.....i appreciate them!

 

Just some advice from you all in regards tonight? I picked a place near our beautiful river that sits opposite the city lights. Normally people have a walk after dinner and then come back for coffee to the restaurant. Should I suggest a walk? Or will she think im trying something? I am able to stay up all night if she plans to stay out as I have a day off tomorrow! Any suggestions on how I should plan the night or what should happen??? Anything I should be looking for?