Can I get her back?

[caretoomuch]

Kit,

 

The walk is good ... but do not touch ... that will give her a positive ... non-pressure ... she then will know she can trust you do not have a hidden agenda.

 

other advice do not talk about the relationship ... just small talk and happy talk ... only if she initiates and then if so choose your words and think before you speak ... remember one word can undo the whole night.

 

just create a safe trusting envornment so she can go home and say 'that was a great night and i enjoyed myself'. small steps ... remember a journey of a thousand miles started with one small step (just do not go backwards).

 

do not appear needy or desperate or clingy ... that is the biggest turn off ... create the spring again and dont remind her of the recent winter.

 

i must do this also saturday night ... hard isnt it ????

[sarah12]

I agree with everything care said. You can defnitely take a walk with her, but remember, leave it up to her to bring up the relationship. If she has something to say, she will say it, trust me. She knows you and she knows when is the right time.

 

What to look for? um..the way she talks to you, where her eyes are looking..(remember don't stare at her or she'll get freaked out!). Listen to her carefully when she talks, about what she wants, her trip..

 

But most importantly..just enjoy the time you have with her...and good luck.

[KitWalker]

So if the night goes off without a hitch and everythign is going well and it is time to go home.......telling her that I miss "us" and miss going out like this is a no-no?

[caretoomuch]

Kit,

 

that is not a good idea ... the biggest no no ... do not say 'us', 'love you' or anything. only positives like 'that was a great night i really enjoyed it ... we will have to do it again soon'.

 

Do not say anything were she may have to question her feelings, by you saying 'us' you are telling her that there is an 'us' and she is wrong to think otherwise ... no pressure and do not make her questions her current emotional state. If it is a great night she will know and may even tell you ... you dont need to tell her what to think. big turn off telling them what to think.

 

cheers

[KitWalker]

Very good points Care..thanks!

 

I was planning to give her a Xmas card.....any wording in particular i should put in? I initially thought "Wishing you a merry Xmas and great new year"......

 

Simple and short....but not sure if I should write more, more close to the heart........what????

[caretoomuch]

Kit,

 

Keep it simple ... maybe show support for her upcoming trip (you dont want to show any tension, fear of this trip) and also you can mention the great year you have had ... maybe sign it 'affectionately yours ...' but nothing to mushy ... showing support for her trip will get points and maybe something towards keep in touch etc ... just do not make her question her current feelings for you ... do not say 'i love you ' she already knows that and it is like a dagger in her heart everytime you say it ... she will say it to you when she is ready and you prompting her will turn her away ... cheers

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

like caretoomuch & kitwalker I too am going through your dilemma!

 

i have assigned myself to trying to be just friends with my ex as hard or impossible as it may be as I love the girl

 

caretoomuch is perhaps right about the no pressure attitude and just concentrating on having a good time

 

other people i have recently spoken to have otherwise advised me to write my ex a letter explainig my exact feelings and thoughts for my ex while at the same time completely accepting her decision to break it off and how i will try and work on our possible friendship!

 

trouble is and i think a lot of us on this forum are similiar...

 

are we just hanging on to something that will just never happen again? my head says this while my heart is clinging to having her back...

 

we all know the feeling don't we!

 

when someone like Arabess posts I know she is telling the truth about all of us despite how damn cruel to our hearts her words are!

[mr_roggger]

My ex did tell me that she had a good evening out with me when we last went out (1st time since nearly 8 weeks of being split-up and 4 weeks of no contact (1/2 way inside that 8 weeks)). I guess this was a good thing then? It definately made me feel better, and as if going to see her was truly worth it (obviously other things made it worth while too!)

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

mr_roggger do you expect to get her back or is your expectation just to enjoy her company as friends?

 

there is a Murphy's law thing going on out there in the universe i believe that if you sometimes expect something to happen it rarely does and when you don't expect it to happen it works out for you!

 

something tells both me and you that we ain't going to charm our exes back! sorry to be pessimestic brother! but i wish the opposite was true!

 

maybe off on a tangent here but its the same looking for women, when you are hunting the species is scarce but when you are in a content relationship and happy the species approach us in droves seemingly wanting to be hunted

 

there is definately a vibe thing going on there

 

is it the we want what we can't have thoery?

 

can a post by one of the female species out there contribute to this?

[mr_roggger]

I want to enjoy her company as friends again, as is happening now, and then build from there. I do not intend to charm her back, more a case of attract her back by having great times toghther. At some stage, if she hasn't already, I also hope she remembers what a good relationship we had and how good were together, and begins to long for more times like this with me. I truly believe that we could be great together again but I need to win her trust and respect again. I think that by starting out as friends is the best way to go about this. If she sees that I am getting over/have gotten over the break-up, and can continue my life without her, then I will appear as valuable to her as she is to me (still). I am not too worried about any rebound relationships she may have right now as I believe that since we were together so long and had so many good times, that noone else can compete on that front, and will realise again just how good we were together. She was my first love, and I hers .

[BrainRightHeartWrong]

fair enough

 

do you think your ex feels the same way about your rekindled friendship turning back into a relationship?

 

women out there... how many of you would break up with a guy then want a friendship which you know could turn back into a relationship?

 

my ex said to me that " i've tried the friendship turning into a relationship before and i know that doesn't work! "...

 

despite we were never friends at the start but lovers from the first date... she is the one whom wants to remain friends now from our relationship!

 

maybe she meant that I just feel like a friend now and that to go turn that into a relationship won't work!!! ?

 

god knows, i've been trying 24/7 analysis for 4 weeks now and i'm going crazy!!!

 

i perhaps like you have to gain her respect again but i think she already trusts me

 

she wasn't my first love nor i hers... she told me that on our first date!

[lost_in_chgo]

So my update is this:

 

Ex's work friends say they actually asked her if she was thinking about contacting me. She said no she doesn't think so. They tell me to give up and move on. I think they are probably right, but my heart tells me to wait for her. They tell me it probably wont work out, we are too different. But i think that we are very similar, despite a ten year age difference, our habits are similar (well they were before the separation, but now she has a need to get out more, which is fine with me, I like to go out and would be up for anything with her). They tell me that she is not mature enough and too flighty. I knew that already, and I like the way she is, it's a breath of fresh air, but I'm different, and that makes her feel bad about her flights sometimes, like I'm judging her. (I'm not).

 

She refuses to talk to me. Her work friends think that she is trying to spare me pain and not do anything that might lead me on. But I'm not sure if that is their analysis or her comments talking. It seems they only ask her a few questions, but don't advise her or push her (which may be good). But they are the only ones she talks to as far as I know. She has no girlfriends, just family, and she doesn't talk to the family about that stuff, except her brother who tells her that guys won't mind that she has five kids. Uh huh, we all know how true that is. (at least for a relationship).

 

So, my heart says wait. She will return. She loves you. It's just the stress of her divorce finalizing, she's loved you for a year, that means something. She decided to leave the exhusband because she fell for you. Well actually it says, thump pause thump pause squeak thump pause thump pause thump thump pause thump etc...

 

My brain says you don't have a chance in hell of getting her back and if you did, she would be settling for you instead of what she really wants and she'd never be happy, move on, find someone better. Damn she must have really disliked being with you to leave you and go out alone with five kids. She was just using you to fill an immediate need after her divorce.

 

My lower back says it feels alot better because my stomach has forced the rest of my body to lose 55 pounds over all this. But my stomach is not really happy about what it has gone thru, though it is a team player and will follow the new rules.

 

My soul is incapable of interacting with me at this time. Not unlike my ex. Not a coincidence since I believe that she owns it now anyway.

 

It's been over 3 months. It could be a year or more. Seriously difficult three months. The year will be terrible. I'm not very social, so alternates are not popping out of the woodwork. Will she or wont she. If I move on, I will feel so terrible if she changes her mind and call me.

 

Today I packed up a box of goodies for her and took it to UPS to ship. Then I drove home, with the box. The rule is no contact.

 

Oh, yeah, the friends have told her that I talked to them, so that compromises my no contact rule. It also means that she will use them as a conduit to deliver messages to me, like "I don't think so". So their information is suspect and now no contact means no contact with them either. Damn. I go dark.

 

So that's how my day went.

[sarah12]

lost - would it be so terrible to give her one last phone call to put your heart and mind to peace once and for all?

 

mr rogger - it looks like you are doing the right thing..earn her trust back..I don't now your whole story but to me, trust is a big thing and if you lost it once, it's going to take a LONG time and a LOT of work to get that back..

 

BrainRightHeartWrong - some women are very adamant about their decisions. If she says she tried something and it didn't work, usually they stick by it...

It's like if you don't know what fire feels like and you put your finger through it, you'll know, and you'll know not to touch it again.

 

kit - I hope you had a great time tonight at dinner. remember..take things slow..no need to push anything just yet..be glad that you can still see her and even go to dinner with her..that is a big step..just be thankful and take it for what it was..

 

sorry guys but I am as bummed out as ever tonight..exhausted of my own depressing/pathetic situation..I wish I could help more..but I'm so done..I need a break..and I am going on vacation tomorrow for a few days.. so keep updating and I will read them all when I come back..

 

take care and good luck..

[lost_in_chgo]

sarah12 - I don't know. Would it be so terrible? Would that be pushing? My focus right now is on letting her decide and not doing anything to push her or that might be construed as pushing. I don't know.

[KitWalker]

Well only 2hrs to go......thought I'd come back on and quickly check out the advice that everyone has so kindly provided...thanks guys and gals!

 

<deep breath> well wish me luck! Will let you all know how it pans out!

[KitWalker]

Well, im back with an update from last night....

 

I took my time to get ready for our 7pm 'date'. Made sure I didnt shave that morning so that I had a cleaner shave tonight (she likes the clean cut!) and made sure I was dressed nicely. Put on her favourite aftershave and left with my brother (I've lost my license for a while!) and I got an SMS to ask if I could pick her up.

 

I had with my a Xmas card and a box of her fav chocolates as well as a card for her mum. I arrived and went to the front door. Her mum's boyfriend opened the door and was happy to see me, saying that its been a while and Im looking good! I shook his hand said hello and gave him the card for himself and my ex's mum. My ex was there standing up smiling, she looked beautiful and had dressed up nicely. I gave her the card and chocolates (wrapped) and she asked if she was to open it now, I said she could do it later and that she could leave it behind and get it later as it saved her carrying it around.

 

We left the house and I opened the back door car for her and let her get in and then walked around and sat in the back whilst my brother was in the driver seat. We chatted along the way about her day, how she was glad she could relax finally after running around. I told her that tonight was just to relax and enjoy herself!

 

We arrived at the restaurant and waiter asked if it was a table for 2? I told him I had a booking. They found my name and escorted us to our seats, which I allowed her to walk before me. After we sat down and ordered we got chatting.

 

The chatting was mainly the same as my lunch/coffee meets in my previous threads but longer. We talked about what she's been doing and how shes been. Touched on a bit with her trip that she is going away. From what I can gather, at the moment she was stress free after leaving her job and having her house on the mkt, but its started back again as now she is having some probs within her family and they've been coming to her with some money probs, stuff that she is helping them out with but at the same time putting herself on a very tight budget and having to rely on the sale of her house to help her get back on top of things.....

 

She only had about half a glass of wine, i could see she was pretty tired as she had been up early this morning and on the go helping her mum out. After coffee and a bit more talk with a few laughs and some eye contact, I suggested we get the bill and head home. She asked how i was getting home, i told her that I would take a taxi (cab I think some of you call it?) and that we could take a taxi to her place if she wanted first so that she didnt have to get her mum to come out to get her? She said sure, she wanted to call her mum first to make sure she was home (they had also gone out last night). Her mum answered and she was home but she would come to pick her up as she wasnt busy!

 

After I called for the bill and paid she asked how much it was but I told her not to worry about it as it was my treat...I had asked her out! It was then i got a smile from her that i only got when I was going out with her, whenver i told her that I loved her! Its so hard to explain, but that smile just gave me goosebumps! I hadn't seen that smile in so long! We got outside and the wind was up whilst we waited for her mum to come by. She was wearing a sleeveless top and i could see she was getting cold. I grabbed my jacket and held it out for her to put her arms in, which she did. We continued to talk about small things, what was planned for Xmas how she really didnt want to be with the rest of the family on Xmas day, just wanted to be away from it all. Her mum and b/friend pulled up and she took off my jacket. We kissed each other on the lips and hugged goodbye. She said to wish my family a great xmas and said thanks for the great night and she would speak to me again when I get back from visiting my family over Xmas. She asked if they could give me a lift anyway, but I politely declined as it was out of their way and said i would be fine. she got in and rolled down the window. As they drove away, she stuck her head out gave me that 'smile' again and waved and kept waving til they were out of sight!

 

About 15mins later I got an sms from her asking

"you got a taxi yet" I replied and said "no....still waiting". She answered "U should have let us give u a lift! Thanks again , had a very nice night....." I said "me too, hope we can do it again real soon. Anytime your neck gets sore again like it was last night (she was constantly rolling her neck from side to side during the night), just let me know and I'll happily give you a massage". She answered "hehehe...you'll need to get your hours up soon so for sure!" (I told her that I was doing a massage course).

 

I finally got home and just before going to bed, i wrote a quick sms to say "good night" and then switched off my mobile. turned it on this morning and recd the msg "Night! phone stuffed up, just working again" I presume she sent it later after I had sent mine the night before. I went and got myself some b/fast and thought of her again.. went against the 'rules' of the forum about no contact and sent her a msg "Interest you in a croissant and coffee?" She unfortunately had plans and also had to use the net to pay some bills etc. I offered her to use the net I have at home, and she said that she would take me up on that offer later...said she would get in touch to use it after I get back from hols!

 

During the night she talked a bit about looking forward to finally getting away. Shes been getting stressed with her family, seems like everyone is going to her for all their problems and i guess she's starting to get sick of it. understandable. It did hurt when she talked about leaving and staying away and that she's asked her mum to go with her and stay with her when she finds somewhere that she's going to stay for 6months or so. She told me that she's been catching up with everyone from past colleagues, friends and ex's for coffee or lunch prior to Xmas which made me wonder if i was jsut one of those people?

 

I know tonight there is a work do on that she will be attending, I could go but I dont think i will. I think me seeing her there would just make me feel kind of sad more than happy for her as she will be laughing and getting along with everyone there. I dont think i would have a chance to spend time with her there one on one. So i gave that idea up.

 

I know that there is something still there, the way she looked at me, the smile and the fact that she had a very nice night too!

 

Sorry for such the long post guys and gals, some of it may be irrelevant but I thougth I'd write it all down so that you can make your own decisions about where im at now?

 

If I know that there is something there, that she definately still has feelings for me.....can I do anything from here to get those feelings to overwhelm her in some way? Or should I come to the conclusion that she is going away and that I wont really ahve a chance until she returns?

 

PS........ You would all be pleased to know that i didnt touch her all night until i quickly kissed her goodbye and hugged her!

 

Thoughts guys?

[mr_roggger]

You don't want to make her overwhelmed with feelings: that is the same as pressuring her into making a decision!

I don't think she sees you as just one of the people she has been catching up with since she hasn't had a whole evening out with them has she?

Croissant...what do Australians stereotypically have for breakfast, French food lol

Speak on MSN soon!

[caretoomuch]

kit,

 

well done .... it takes time to make it happen again .. hang in there. i cried reading your post because i know the pain. i have my pain on saturday night .... hope it goes as well. you did it right and that is all you can do ...

 

wish me good luck for tomorrow night ... i hope for a kiss also under the mistletoe ....

 

cheers

 

have a good xmas

 

tlak later in new year.

[KitWalker]

Good Luck CARE, i hope it goes really well for you mate, I feel for you and hope that it comes good! Couldnt happen to a nicer guy!

[KitWalker]

I had an SMS from her mum today, she said that

 

"*** said last night was lovely and you were great and she enjoyed herself"

 

WOOOOOOOOOO I feel like im over the moon!!!!!!!

[CanadianBornCutie]

Wonderful Kit! i will be seeing my guy sunday

[InLoKo]

Hi Kit - I have been following this thread with great interest and have just joined now to post this response to you. I am really happy that things are going better than they were for you. You sound like a wonderful guy!! However, one thing that struck me in some of your posts (and please don't take offence at this) but sometimes you come across as being a little selfish. When you said she was going to her works do and you didn't want to see her smiling and enjoying herself as it would make you sad, I was very surprised. Why doesn't the sight of her being happy, make you happy? I understand that you want her back. It's clear that your feelings for her are very deep. But it seems that you are acting out your part, according to a script, just to make her come back to you. That seems somewhat manipluative. Where's your spontaneity? I understand it's a delicate situation, but if you orchestrate it to the degree that you have, it could appear to be manipulation. Ofcourse you want her back, I understand that. But would you want her back at any price? There's an old phrase "If you love her, let her go. If she loves you, she'll come back."

[KitWalker]

INLOKO, thanks for your post, no no, no offence taken! Appreciate the time that you've taken to write up!

 

I suppose in a way I am being selfish.....when i said that I didnt want her to see her all happy and enjoying herself, I guess its because she's doing it without me? We used to do evrything together 24/7 and we used to have a blast! When we had these work do's or parties to go to, we could separate and i could catch her laughing and joking from across the room and smile when I thought how much I love her and love knowing that she is my g/friend. That has to stop, and I guess if I have to change that way of thinking the next time I would be at a party or work do, it would make me sad? Would make me think why doesnt she feel the same way that I do? Maybe she does? Who knows? Maybe she's good at covering it up! Im not unfortunately....im one of those who wears his heart on his sleeve.

 

Its very hard to be spontaneous when i've only just got back to talking terms with her. Spontaneity in the relationship was no problem, at the moment, im still having to get her consent to go and do something yet alone just to be spontaneous? The most spontaneous thing I've done so far since the break-up has been to make up that get-well pack to drop around! I dont want to cross any lines and I dont want to push her away.....so myself and im sure a lot of others in here are walking on a very fine line......

 

"If you love her, let her go, if she loves you, she'll come back".......I used to believe something like that. However, theres also the saying that "man can't live on love alone" (no not bread, love!). Why is that? Cos if it was just based on love, we'll be together right now. We would have to be one of the couples in the world who had so much love to give each other that people who had just met us would already assume that we were married and that we had been together for a very long time. It was plain to see to all! I dont doubt that she still loves me, in fact Im very sure that she loves me with all her heart, I know that I love her with all of mine! Yet we're still apart? A friend told me that "just love isnt enough".......and I believe that. there is a lot of work in a relationship and it doesnt all work on just "love" although it does play a bit part. Some bits in the relationship which i failed in toward the end and ultimately caused the break-up. This is the part where I want to fix up and show her that I got "lazy". But I need the 2nd chance to do that........

[InLoKo]

What a delightful man you are!!! If she doesn't want you, I'll have you. LOL. However, I think it's very clear from your posts that she does love you (you don't phone your ex asking about mushrroom sauce, no matter what..LOL). I think she was very hurt and scared after your split. I think it's made her take stock of her life and you and everything. If she still loves you, no matter who she meets on her overseas trip, it won't matter. Read the thread I just started. I am speaking from experience. Love like that only comes around once in a lifetime, IMO. I do think that, before she goes away, you and she need to discuss your feelings and the future. She owes you that. She can't leave you dangling for the next 12 months. That would be cruel.

[KitWalker]

INLOKO, I realise that I will have to speak to her about the next 12mths when she's away. I guess im trying to put it off right up til the last minute before she goes. I dont want to really pressure her right now with whats going to happen with the future if theres still a chance that she might come around? Worst case scenario i have until Feb 04 to make that happen.....best case? Dunno...could be longer, dont know how much more though?

 

in the meantime, I guess I only have a month or 2 (looking at worst case scenario), should I change anything that im doing? The fact her mum told me that she had a lovely time and enjoyed herself the other night at dinner.... should I move on from something there........strike whilst the iron is hot so to speak?

 

I had thought of when I get back from up north, to maybe invite her over to use the net (as she had previously said she would) and maybe cook her dinner and have a chat? Although she does want to use the net, i dont want to pull her away from there (she'll prolly be researching where she's going to go travelling), as it would defeat the purpose of her coming over? And if she does sit in front of the puter, should I go do my own thing (watch tv, do dishes etc?) and leave her alone?

 

What do you all think?