Can I get her back?

[InLoKo]

I wouldn't invite her to use the net after your hols. Reading back your post you said "said she would get in touch to use it after I get back from hols". So that's what you should stick to. Respect her to do as she says. Will you be away for New Year? That's always a special time. If you can't spend New Year with her, I would definitely make sure you phone or text her at midnight and say something really special. It seems obvious that she is enjoying you wooing her all over again. Now might be a good time to send her a bouquet. I don't think you should leave it right until the last minute to talk to her about your future. (Nor do I think you should do it now). Keep going as you have been. She would have given you a sign telling you to stop if she didn't like what you have done so far. And she hasn't. You will only pressure her if you are demanding her for an answer. If you pick the right moment, it will seem like the most natural thing in the world to express how you feel. Your honesty and love will shine through. I don't think you should change what you are doing - it seems to be working perfectly. I think cooking her dinner would be perfect. Why not invite her round? Don't use the net as an excuse. Just invite her round for dinner. Have you considered proposing at some time before she goes away? Depending on how the next few dates go, ofcourse.

[mr_roggger]

Personally I think proposal is out of the question right now given the situation! That would be putting so much pressure on her, asking her for a h8uge commitment like that just before she goes on a life-changing trip. I don't think getting engaged to someone and then not seeing them for 12 months is gonna be a good idea anycase. I think the idea of proposal here is to ensure that she doesn't go off with anyone elese on her trip; in a way, controlling her. Not a good idea!

[caretoomuch]

Kit,

 

Well last night went well. I was so nervous that i would not be able to practice what i preached, but it was easy. We talked like we had never talked before. Not having to be gaurded and we both spoke frankly. Never touched on 'us' at all. well a few times when my lady passed comment on my negatives (ie being too long winded when a simple yes or no would do) - nothing too tragic. we had dinner a few drinks and watched a movie. her and her daughter stayed for 5 hours and we had an enjoyable night. i have just moved into a new house and she went from room to room adding her suggested female touches. i made comments on how her furniture would go well in certain places and she agreed. i just listened and agreed (which was another one of my previous negatives). she liked the place and i am sure it left her thinking - 'i could live there'. all positives. we exchanged presents and i gave her a framed peom about life and she loved it.

 

anyway the night ended and we had only had a couple of quick kisses (her initiated) and then i walked them both to the car to say goodbye. she agreed to come over sunday to see my boys. and then the best thing happened .... her daughter took my hand and then took her mums hand and pulled all three of us together and we had a group hug in silence. a vote of love from the daughter and it was great. my ex then looked up at me as we all hugged and we had the most passionate kiss for about 30 seconds. it felt like a being a family again. it was perfect. i am not sure what the kiss meant but it was not just a simple goodnight kiss. and her daughter doing that was great - sometimes it takes kids to make the over complicated simple again.

 

we parted and talked for another 5 mins and agreed to see each other early new year (i am going away to queensland for the next 2 weeks).

 

i took it slow and not reading too much into it but it was more than just friends. no pressure works because she came to me with the kiss. i love her so much but did not say it - the silence and the kiss said it all. it may take time but i am not giving up on this now.

 

cheers ... everyone have a great xmas and new year and i will talk again in the new year ... good luck to all the romantics in this thread ... miracles do happen ... just keep going.

[KitWalker]

INLOKO, actually in regards to the net, her exact words were (after I asked when she would like to use the net) "Net after chrissy i guess when ur back from up north!"

 

New years, i will be back, but no doubt we'll be doing our own thing. I dont know what she is doing as yet. Yes, i belive that new Years is a special time, last new year together we had a bad one with an argument erupting Not a good way to spend it! Any ideas on what "special" things I could say? Wouldnt that be me saying things that I shouldnt, eg. talking about us?

 

hehehehehe, proposal has been on my mind before we had broken up. Doing it before she goes? I dont know about that.....I kinda agree with Mr Rogerrrr. More so, I am worried about her saying no, i have gone over it in my head over and over how I would like to propose to her and well.....I am not sure if i went through all that trouble that she would say yes anyway. Especially that its really hard that I havent said I love you in so long that the next thing i say to her would be..."will you marry me". Even if we got back together, I'd wait awhile before I even contemplated asking her just to be sure that our relationship is what she wants!

 

CARE im really happy for you mate! I am so glad its come good for you! I bet these 2 weeks away in sunny QLD are gonna be a killer! You got any plans of how you're going to play this whilst you're away? Are you going to be msging or calling her whilst you're away? Or you goign to let these two weeks go by and then get in contact again? What you going to say if you do contact her whilst you're away????

 

Good luck buddy, not sure if you're gonna have access to the net over the hols, but if you do! Post up, no doubt i'll be checking back as much as everyone else! Thumbs up mate!

[caretoomuch]

Kit,

 

wouldnt say things have come good yet ... but like you i can feel the love from her. i am just going to play it cool ... maybe just an sms on xmas day and maybe new years day. nothing more than best wishes though. i dont want to push or pressure. i am not sure what she is thinking and i am not going to try and put thoughts in her mind. i will see her in 2.5 weeks for a catch up with all 3 kids before she goes away on a holiday for week. this may take weeks or months or it may never happen ... it is just a feeling ... you know what i mean. sometimes you think it is just wishful thinking and exagerrating the good ... but her daughters actions and that kiss said more and it is not just in my mind. she has to make the decisions though and all i can do is put the positives forward so she can possible see the good and make the decision we all want.

 

no net for 2.5 weeks so i will catch up early january ... best of luck ... and remember make it so she can come to you ... just like for me last night.

 

cheers

[InLoKo]

Let me explain where I am coming from. When my friends and I are discussing our relationships, it seems that the majority of our conversations are spent trying to discuss what the men are thinking or intending to do or feeling. There's so much guess work and it is frustrating. What I have been wondering while reading your posts is: what does she think your intentions are? Don't say she knows. That really isn't always the case. She may be having a wonderful time but telling her friends that she thinks you only want to be friends else something more would have happened. After all, doesn't she think it was you who "caused" the split in the first place? Now ofocurse, a proposal at the moment could be the worst thing in the world. However, she may well be planning her trip yet hoping that you are going to do/say something which will make her cancel it. (That's what I would be wanting). So far, she has given you the green light. She likes you wooing her - clearly. Somehow, you need to let her know what your intentions are. How was the discussion of marriage left between you when you were together? Is there any possibilty that she thinks it's something you would never do? Was it ever an issue? As for New Year....I would ask her if she has any plans. Then suggest that you could spend it together. If she has made plans, tell her that's a shame, etc, etc. You seem to think that talking about "us" is a bad thing. Yes, it was while you didn't know where you were. But she has responded to your advances. I think you need a couple of romantic dinners under your belt and New Year's eve together. If that goes well, you need to have that conversation where you tell her how you fell about her and "us". Men rarely let on what is in their heads and it is the most annoying thing in the world.

[KitWalker]

INLOKO, i would love nothing better than to just open up and express how I feel toward her. But is that not coming on too strong?

 

the times we have met so far, she's enjoyed i figure, as she keeps coming out again when I ask? The only thing that I know that im NOT doing is talking about us, so is that telling me something? To keep going out for dinners/lunch/coffee etc, would it be better to keep NOT talking about us?

 

Mind if I ask you how you've thought that she likes me 'wooing' her? Not that I am questioning you or anyhting, but I've only been on the one real 'date' at dinner with her the other night.....what signs have you seen that makes you think she has enjoyed me wooing her?

 

I dont have a lot of time before new years eve, so having the few romantic dinners prior, is kinda cutting it fine. I SMS'd her just a little while ago to see if she's free for bfast/lunch/dinner on Tues and she replied saying that she could prolly do b/fast?

 

knowing her, I think she'd want to spend new years eve with her family, so I dont know about spending it together. Who knows though? May ask her at b/fast and see what kind of reponse i get....

[InLoKo]

If she didn't like you wooing her, she would say so. Everything that she has done in response to that dinner is positive and telling you that she wants more. She stuck her head out of the window to say goodbye. She sent you a txt saying you should have had a lift with her. She agreed to your massage invitation. She replied to your txt saying Night and explaining that her phone was playing up....because she didn't want you thinking she had just ignored your txt. What you think still matters alot to her. She didn't have to reply to your txt and she didn't need to explain the delay. She WANTED to. This is not a woman who is just being polite to her ex. If she didn't want to know, she would be ultra sensitive to everything you said and did. She would not accept your offers and certainly not instigate communication with you. (Don't forget the mushroom sauce excuse to phone you!) She may even have said she doesn't want you getting the wrong idea. None of that has happened, only the opposite, so she is definitely enjoying what you are doing. And hasn't she just accepted meeting you for b'fast? This is not a girl who is trying to get away from you. Just the opposite. Also, her mother told you that she thought "last night was lovely and you were great". Perfect!!

 

I agree you don't have much time before New Year (shame). I think you should ask what she's doing for New Year. She can only say no. I don't think it will harm anything (beacuse of the indications I have given above). And didn't she say she is looking forward to getting away from her family? Spending New Year with them may be her only option - at the moment.

 

I don't mind you asking me more detail on my opinion. Women do think very differently to men and it's very hard for you to see things the way she does. Think about getting the book "Men are from Mars, etc: Dating".

[KitWalker]

LOKO, a lot of what you ahve said makes a lot of sense. Also makes me feel very good too! I havent read the mars venus book as yet, well not the first one anyway! I read the 2nd one, but that only really deals with having to move on and get over your ex! I stopped after the first few chapters, made me sad and didnt really help my cause!

 

If she is receptive to a lot of the things I have been doing for her.....why wouldnt she let me back in her life right now? What is she waiting for before she decides that i am worthy of a 2nd chance? Do you think that this trip away she is planning is a chance for her to get the travel bug out of her system? Or another reason??? I would love to go away with her for that year away, but i dont even want to bring that up right now in case she feels like I am "imposing".....well not until she gives me some sort of sign that she wants me back anyway?

[yogi-mon]

She had always felt this way but had never prior to this, mentioned it????? Now I know that we belong together, we are so good together its uncanny!

Hmm..

 

When people found out they were shocked that we had broken up! We've talked about marriage, family, future etc and I really thought and still do think, that we are meant to be! I've spoken to her mum and i've spoken to a couple of close friends who think that I need to give her space. To stop ringing her and sms-ing and emailing. Its hard cos I want to be a part of her life again and I know that I stuffed up in the first place and it was me being pigheaded that's caused this!

stop.

 

Im wondering if I should just totally back off from her and not call her at all? And wait til she gets back to me? But in doing that, am I in danger of losing her to someone else? She does talk to me still, but more reserved and she tells me that she loves me and that it kills her that we're not together...but i dont want to give up on my future wife and I really need some help in what to do here??? Have i stuffed it for good or do I have some hope?

No hope.

[KitWalker]

Ummmmm......yes, thanks for that valued input Yogi?

[yogi-mon]

thats a long ass thread.

 

did u ever get her back?

[KitWalker]

Its still in the works.....

[yogi-mon]

whats the update?

is she talking to you?

or not talking to you?

[mr_roggger]

Read the rest of the thread! If you don't have time, just read the last few pages of posts!

[KitWalker]

I sms'd her last night to see if she was interested in going for breakfast/lunch/dinner on Tuesday as it will be my last day here before I go away. She replied and said she can do breakfast. So will ring her later to finalise details!

 

Also sms'd to see what she was doing for New Years Eve, she was going to be spending it with her sis and their kids.....I asked if she wanted to go to an RnB party on new Years Eve (we both love RnB!)....but she hasn't replied as yet.....

 

Will keep you all posted after the breakfast!

[KitWalker]

Well I just got back from b/fast. Just a little update before I go through it...i decided to buy a present for Xmas. I had a CD I burned with one of her favourite artists who just released a new album and also found this white gold necklace that I know she would've loved if we were together, a pendant in the shape of a heart with a diamond in the middle......

 

We went and had b/fast at a place she chose....sat and talked just like the other times.....i brought up the subject about her going away, she said she hadnt made any plans as yet. I told her that I wished I was going with her... she gave me a smile and looked at me....she replied "when you go over to Italy let me know and we can hook up?" I said, why wait til then? Would you like a travelling partner? she shook her head and said no, she wants to do this on her own

 

Talked about all the places she was going to go and people to see. I found out she's been catching up witha lot of people in regards to coffee and lunches etc as well. her mum called on the mobile and whilst she was on it i saw this bracelet she was wearing! I checked it out and when she got off I asked if she had got it from Thailand, she replied and said no, it was from her ex (the guy b4 me) she said she never wore it cos I didnt like her wearing it when we were going out! Now whilst we were together, and it came up that I needed closure on my ex, I had to get RID of the bracelet she gave me... so i did, threw it away....yet she kept this one??????? Anyway, i let it slide.....normally i'd go off my nut. So we kept on talking etc....then I decided to give her her gifts. I gave her the CD first and she was happy! Then I gave her the necklace and she said WOW.....big smile on her face....i said I'll put it on (she wasnt wearing a necklace!) she hugged me thanks....looked good on her. She asked if I wanted to go back to her mums and have a coffee....so I said sure We went back there...sat around and her mum and b/friend were having an argument.....he was going away overseas on new years eve and she was upset that he wasnt spending it with her....so dramas there All this while her and her mum were going back and forth with advice, arguments etc and i was kinda looking at her and smiling and she would smile back at me. Her mum left the room in the end and I went up and sat next to her...

 

I told her I missed her and I missed us She smiled at me and took my hand and said....I know....I told her I loved her too and she said I know... told her how much I missed the two of us together how i want the two of us to try again and I know that it cant be the end of us....she got teary and told me that shes made a decision to go away in march 04 and that she doesnt want to start or get into anything commital in the meantime. She said that she wants to go away with no committments, no ties thats why she sold the house Said that she doesnt want to make promises and said if i wanted to wait thats my decision though she cant promise me anything....said that when she gets back, IF she gets back, that maybe things will be different but she doesnt know. In end she said that She doesnt know what answers to give me, she's told me everything she has, so she doesnt know what else she could say... She said that she doesnt mind doing the coffee, lunch or dinner thing that we have been doing at the moment..but thats not something i can really see myself doing. Chatting over a meal!

 

I asked if she still loves me? She said you know that I still love you very much....i asked if she was away would she be looking for a committal, she said no, only when she gets back....so i guess that means shes not looking for someone over there?

 

In the end...We hugged each other and kissed (as per normal) a longggggggggg hug and squeezed her very tight..she was teary all through this....when i got in my car, before I drove off i put my finger to my nose (its a little sign we do when we're in a crowded room to say that we love each other)....she smiled at me and i drove off.....

 

I feel like **** right now and in fear of getting electrocuted from the keyboard with all these tears! But dont know what else to do right now....guess there isnt too much I can do?

[maxmuscle]

KitWalker,

 

You did your best. You laid it all on the line. This is what she wants in her life. She wants to explore and see the world. Respect it, let her fly away and continue to love her. I wouldn't wait around for her to comeback, it will be to painful. Move on with your life. Go travel if you want. I don't know the extent of your pain so I am not going to say I know how you feel. I have lost a love one and some days I can cope and some days I am sad. I am sorry things are this way with you and your ex. I wish it was a perfect world and we can have the majority of the things we want in life, but it doesn't work that way.

[w105jeg]

Kit,

 

Man I have read this thread from day one, but this is the first time I have posted. I totally agree with Max. Sometimes you got to move on. Do you really want to be waiting for her and miss other opportunities (it may be hard to see now, but I think you might want to keep your eyes open) I too have lost someone.. Its a long story and maybe one day I might get into it, but I don't think she will come back.

 

anyways, She obviously cares for you, but she is in a way toying with you emotions... intentionally...? I don't think so.

 

If I were you, I would be nice to her if you talk to her but make it extremely brief, but I wouldn't ask her out, I would stop calling her, and STOP doing everything. Make her realize now, what it is going to be like when she leaves. She isn't gonna see you for a long time when she goes on her trip, so give her a taste of that feeling now.

 

If she calls, just tell her you are busy and politfully get off the phone. Make her miss you bad, and deny her from seeing you. This is a hunch... but if there is any hope left in this situation I think she might come around.

This was workin for me, but I screwed up and called and called the ex after she dumped me and pushed her away.

 

I know this will be hard, and you got to be strong (heck post something in this thread everytime u want to contact her or miss her)... my goal isn't to give you false hopes but to test this theory.. make her miss you badly and see what happens... What do you got to lose?

 

This is my two cents... don't know if its any good, but you did everything else but this, so give it a shot.

By no means am I successful in relationships since I am here posting in the break up thread. Other opinions?

[lost_in_chgo]

Kit -

I agree with jgauder, back off, but I would say keep up the lunches if she initiates them.

 

I know it didn't go the way you wanted, but it went very well nonetheless.

I wish I had that kind of response. It sounds to me as if she is really trying to be sure of what she is doing before committing and that is an excellent thing.

 

Keep the options open. Look at this as your time to be sure what you want.

 

You know it might not work out.

But she might miss you and come back early too.

 

My situation is the same as it has been. So when I look at yours I am extremely jealous that you have these positive responses from her and that she is so honest about still having feelings. Don't sell that short. She could just as easily said that she doesn't care, and doesn't see you ever being involved. It looks to me like she is just trying to do the right thing by you.

 

I know it doesn't look good to you because it didn't go the way you wanted. But you know you have to take baby steps here. She is the one who has to go out, find herself and come back.

 

Whatever you do, DO NOT appeal to her again, you will make things worse, right now it sounds like things are on a very good footing. So, while I wouldn't completely avoid her, I'd leave the control of when and where to see each other up to her.

[sarah12]

You guys have given kit very good advice. Kit, I agree with them all. I'm really sorry that things didn't work out as planned for you..but just think..you are a lot better off now that you know what she wants, right? It is better than to be left in the dark..I wish you well and will talk to you soon.

[AllyKat]

You cant make her change her mind. If it is meant to be, it will be.

 

I do think you are pushing quite a bit. Give her time to miss you!

 

The signals she is sending you seem clear, she isnt interested. You have to drop that idea for now.

 

I read where you had said something to the effect she was meant for you and to be your wife. Well, maybe on day, but right now, you need to stop..or else you will scare her!

 

I wish you luck

[KitWalker]

Thanks guys and gals for all your responses. Its been great. I guess i realise I do have to just leave her alone now. I think my biggest fear of just cutting all contact and leaving her be is that she might think i've cut her off and so thinks that its the end of the chapter between us? I dont want her to think that at all, I felt really really close to getting her to turn around for that 2nd chance when i was having that talk with her, in the end it came down to her trip away.

 

Driving up north to my folks place for xmas, i had to go past hers.....just as I was getting in the car to leave my place I saw a nice little rose that had just budded and it was yellow too (her fav colour!). I snipped it off the bush and cut all the thorns away and then stuck a small note to it to say "Always thinking of you...." I drove past her house at about 6am (she was still asleep) and left it on her doorstep and drove away.

 

I got an SMS about an hour and half later that said "Hey, I thought I heard your car! have a safe trip, ok xxx"

 

I replied and said "though about waking you, but decided against it"

 

About an hour after that i got another sms to say "I think mum listened to us yesterday cos her and her b/friend are really happy and calm today" (you'll have to read my b/fast thread to understand that comment).

 

i know that i should just get on with it and not close my eyes to other options, but I just dont seem to have the urge nor the motivation to do that. Maybe something will come along and i'll see how it goes, but at the moment, I just cant see myself going out there looking for it. In doing that, i have to come to conclusion that we're not going to be together. Something even after all this time is very very hard to swallow......

 

For any people out there who are reading this and still in their relationship and having probs, guys, take it from me, you GOTTA work it out before its too late, after those few words "need a break" or "time apart" comes out... its very hard to undo whats been done!

 

I'll still keep the updates happening if there are any.....hehehehe maybe the moderators will complain about the length of this thread? But I think its pretty good for those who are newbies and can follow the situation from the beginning?

[sarah12]

Kit - you're lucky that she is thinking of you still, and still loves you so much. She's lucky girl to have you too. I think it's pretty obvious she is still loves you and cares for you a lot, with the sms and all.

 

Also, it's true..this thread is good for people to learn from, however it is extremely long! And you are right, we should all learn from this that if there are problems in the relationship, they HAVE to be worked out instead of just being left until it is too late. Butterfly1 told me yesterday that men tend to not realize mistakes until much later, after the actual problem has occured. It is always afterwards that they realize, when it is too late. Women on the other hand are the opposite - we worry before the problem happens. And therefore, a lot of communication and compromise is necessary to work out relationship problems. I used to think that you can't change a person, and I still beleive that to a certain extent. But I think that if there are problems in a relatioship, like conflict of interests, you must compromise to a certain extent and therefore one must change themselves to a certain extent to accomodate that.

 

Anyhow, that's my two cents for the day.

[KitWalker]

yep yep, i hear you sarah and the rest of the gang here in the forum. Never really had new year's resolutions before, so I guess no time like the present to start huh? Yeah, i agree i've been a bit too available for contact at the moment. Think it will be better for me to cut ties now and see where that gets me. I've got my bday coming up in February, so see if she remembers and says anything? Maybe she does, maybe she doesnt.....

 

I still have my stuff over at her place right now. Would now be a good time to ask for it back? Should I wait? IF I do ask should it be via sms or call her? I dont think i want to leave it much longer as it would mean i would have to keep in contact........