lost_in_chgo Posted December 25, 2003 Share Posted December 25, 2003 Kit, you are looking for ways of making contact. Leave your stuff at her place unless she calls about it. Think of it as an excuse in the bank to visit her when she comes back. Also she might perceive you asking for it as you trying to cut off things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted December 25, 2003 Author Share Posted December 25, 2003 LOST, i know it sounds like that...but theres a few things that I do need. She will be selling her house prior to her going, which means that the things that she does have left she will have to put into storage whilst she's away. I have my tv, diving gear, roller blades, step ladder, sleeping bag, sleeping mat etc that she still has there. Granted its not exactly "important" things (except my diving gear), but like she says, she might be back in a 4mths a year or never at all....... You think i should still leave it all there? I know when we were together her ex had a bag of his stuff still there, and to this day, as far as i know, its still there? Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted December 25, 2003 Share Posted December 25, 2003 Kit - more than likely she will contact you before putting things into storage. Can't it wait for awhile? Give her some time to miss you. Stop trying to find reasons to initiate contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted December 25, 2003 Author Share Posted December 25, 2003 yeah...i can wait! What about new years? Do i just ignore her then? Or should i wait til she wishes me a happy new year? Just got a sms from her mum: "Hi E, xmas is same. Nothing exciting happening. WIsh you and "R" were together again. Am at the beach, be strong!" Wish her daughter could see what her mum wishes for!!! Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted December 25, 2003 Share Posted December 25, 2003 Who knows her better than mum? be strong. wait means wait, not wait for an hour and try again Link to post Share on other sites
Allie1977 Posted December 27, 2003 Share Posted December 27, 2003 Kit, I can sympathise with you. I am in a very similar situation with my ex-boyfriend. He decided to end it two weeks ago and I am feeling as if what we had was worth staying together. I think everything else going on around him was affecting what we had and so he believed if we broke up his life would be happier. I have read through all of your posts and I can relate completely to everything you have been trying to do to get back with her. I guess I have somewhat given up at this point. He has gone over east (I am also in Perth) for the chrissy and new years period and the night before he left he sent me a message basically saying he has been thinking and would like to discuss us when he gets back. Meanwhile I am sitting around unsure what to do and worried he will change his mind and thinking perhaps I am wasting my time. I have half a house full of furniture at his house and unsure what I should do with it as well. I guess thinking if I leave it there that might make him think about us more! I don't know. I hope everything turns out well for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted December 27, 2003 Author Share Posted December 27, 2003 Allie, welcome to the thread! Theres lots of people here with a lot of good advice! Don't be afraid to ask questions and you're bound to get some of the answers that you are looking for! Nice to see a fellow Perth person on here! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted January 4, 2004 Author Share Posted January 4, 2004 Since the sms on Xmas Eve about her mum and mum's b/friend, i've not contacted her at all. Sorry, i lie, i sent an SMS after I received "Merry Xmas to you and your loved ones" .....I replied "merry Xmas to you too". Since the 25th Dec, I have not made any contact nor received any from my ex On new years morning (just after midnight) I received what i assumed was a "blanket" New Years wish via SMS from her saying "Happy New Year". her sister also sent one of those picture SMS but her mum sent me a personalised New Years wish. I debated whether I should've replied to them.....and in the end chose not too. Its been 10days since the Xmas wish and I know it's been bugger all in terms of time......but am i doing the right thing by just not contacting her? Do you think she's wondering or do you think that she doesnt give a damn? My reason for not replying to her mum I guess, was that i didnt want to just reply to her mum and later she finds out I hadnt of replied to her? Maybe she'll think that Im ignoring her now and maybe she'll go to find some comfort in the arms of someone else (which I hope she won't).... another question I had......Do i have a right to be angry with her if she does go out on a date with another guy? reason i ask is because when i had the last b/fast with her and asked her if we could be together again, she said that she didnt want any committal or ties before or during her trip. So if that being the case, then she wouldnt need to go out on dates am i right? Link to post Share on other sites
sarah12 Posted January 4, 2004 Share Posted January 4, 2004 Its been 10days since the Xmas wish and I know it's been bugger all in terms of time......but am i doing the right thing by just not contacting her? Yes. Do you think she's wondering or do you think that she doesnt give a damn? She's probably wondering/worried. My reason for not replying to her mum I guess, was that i didnt want to just reply to her mum and later she finds out I hadnt of replied to her? That's fine. Maybe she'll think that Im ignoring her now and maybe she'll go to find some comfort in the arms of someone else (which I hope she won't).... She won't. another question I had......Do i have a right to be angry with her if she does go out on a date with another guy? reason i ask is because when i had the last b/fast with her and asked her if we could be together again, she said that she didnt want any committal or ties before or during her trip. So if that being the case, then she wouldnt need to go out on dates am i right? Right. Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Kit, I am back from my 2 weeks in queensland and have read the thread up to 4th january. by the silence i assume that your quest is like mine - near its end. i tried the no pressure, no contact thing whilst away with only smses on xmas and nye. the cursory replies left me alone, anxious and in great pain. i finally realised that it was over and that it had been for some time. i called her today and she talked but i suggested no further contact as it was obvious to me that my perserverance was causing her pain as well as myself. she stated she did not want any relationship with anyone and that she could not consider me in the future because there would always be 'that niggling little doubt'. i have lost her and i really dont see why it has to be that way. we never fought it just ended. i hurt her by not fully committing and that pain is still with her. she comes tomorrow to return some things and i would say it will be the last time i ever see her or hear from her. she goes to alice springs on sunday for a weeks holiday (she lived there for 3 years about 10 years ago) and i fear she may decide to return there to live. it greatly pains me to think i have caused this possible scenario. i now must let go with love and find a new purpose for life ....a new hope ... i found her 12 months ago when i was at my lowest point and i prey that hopefully with time i will find it again ... this time to learn from my mistakes. it is a shame that when 2 people love each other but due to lifes complications and our internal fears that we are not willing to recognise the mistakes and want to try again. when we never meant to hurt but we do ... i am ashamed of what i have done and will regret it for some time ... best of luck to you all and my the grace of god shine on you and grant you those miricles we all on this thread wish for. cheers ................. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted January 7, 2004 Author Share Posted January 7, 2004 CARE i hear and feel for you mate, I hope that because its come to this for you that you wont be leaving the forum??? I know that myself and many others have found a lot of hope and drive to keep going and its people like yourselves that we need more of! Yes, I have done everything that I can and i have sat back now since Dec 25th with no contact to my ex and hoping, just hoping that something will come out of this. Until today, still nothing and I am not sure if anything will come of it. The two ladies that we so desire and that we would give our heart and soul too I am sure will one day realise what we had to give them, what we would do for them and above all, love them more than anyone could or would. I am not quite at the stage where I have given up, but the time apart and the fact that my ex has just left me out like this, is slowly leaving me sad and very very hurt........ I hope that something will give me some sort of hope.........but i dont know what? Stick around CARE, we appreciate your comments! Link to post Share on other sites
maxmuscle Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Kit & Care, Hang in there guys. I pray for you both. I wish things can work out exactly the way you want. (Sigh)! Link to post Share on other sites
caretoomuch Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Kit, I have not given up but have decided to make a new life without my beautiful lady. if, by some miracle, we meet again i trust the spark will return. she is just not prepared to take the risk on me. whilst i never did anything consciously to hurt her, her reality is that i have. she said yesterday that i had hurt her and that hurt has made her decide to not try any form of a relationship with anyone for the immediate future. whilst i hope i now know it is just wishful thinking and that in her mind it is over. i feel she still has love but her life has been so hard, and after being a single parent for over 11 years she has come very adept at coping and just walking away from possible successful relationships. i only hope that she can find what she is looking for in life, whilst i believe i can give it to her, it is her that needs to feel and believe this. i can have no influence on her thoughts. i sit here now waiting for her to come over with some things, and i fear it will be the last time i hear from her. she may even move from sydney as she now has nothing to keep her here. i prey this does not happen, but i have no say in it happening or not. lost love that could be so good is a great loss. i must now move on and make a new life. a question for the ladies of the forum .... i had my lady over for a pre-xmas dinner and we had a great time. at the end of the night she came to me and gave me a very passionate kiss that i did not initiate. yesterday when i spoke to her i asked her what that meant and she replied that 'i was reading too much into it'. i know that i would not kiss another woman like that unless i had strong feelings for them. why would she do this if she had no love for me and wanted me to give her peace ? i sit and think of the good times and regret my mistakes .... only time can heal this and then i can live rather than just exist again. cheers Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 You all know i've been doing the 'no contact' rule since Xmas day, well today, about 5mins ago I received an SMS from my ex.........decided to write word for word what was said so that you can all make your own judgements: EX: Hey! yu know how you load phoots to the puter, can you just copy them to cd or do you need a burner? ME: Need a burner EX: Oh! Bugger...but you can zip to a normal floppy huh? how was Xmas ME: Make sure pics are in JPG format so that they aren't too big, yes you can zip afterward. Xmas was so so And that was it...she didnt reply after that. I know I wasnt very talkative and I also know that i suppose I could've asked how her xmas was etc and chit chatted, but i figure if im in the 'no contact' phase, am I doing the right thing? I dont really just want to be another mate to her...she's got enough of those already! Do you think she really wanted to know about the pics? Or just some way of initiating contact? Views? Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 KitWalker, just an excuse!!! she was just seeing if you would reply, hence the irrelevant computer questions then "how was xmas?" you probably shouldn't have replied at all, this would have lifted you up a lot man! i know its hard to be ignorant but it seems she is playing games no contact means no reply to an initiation, i believe in your case that it is in your benefit to do this... a remember a girl i was on a post grad course with me took an absolute infatuation with me as i refused her advances, she pursued me various ways over 6 months sending emails and using our xmas get together to show me the apartment she bought for "us"... haha and i never even kissed her once! i applied the complete "no contact" rule as i had no feelings it was no bother... and it just made her even more determined and she was a potential BUNNY BOILER!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 So are you saying am I supposed to ignore her? NOt answer any of her SMS's etc? What if i pass her in the street, does that mean I turn the other way and not look at her too???? Link to post Share on other sites
Marty_McFly Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 If you answer it, do it much later on, as if you were "too busy" or "forgot" about it. Are you really going to see her on the street? She lives a ways from you, doesn't she? Of course if you see her, you say hey what's up? Chat lightly for a few moments, but you're in a hurry, so you'll talk to her later. Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 i'm not sure but what are you gaining from answering her sms's then YOU don't get a response? always be civil as i'm sure you are and if she is regarding meeting in the street.. question is... what happens if you do proper no contact what have you got to lose if you do ignore her? maybe a quicker get over her? only a suggestion by the way! Link to post Share on other sites
BrainRightHeartWrong Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 KitWalker, everytime she contacts you... you respond regardless, this gives her gratification!!! take time and think of your situation in reverse ( if you can! ) you are not doing the no contact rule! i'm guilty of this too by the way so no criticism intended and if they are happy with the no contact then this is ultimately what they want so... time to blast them from memory! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted January 9, 2004 Author Share Posted January 9, 2004 BRAINRIGHT i know, i know, i realise im not doing the "no contact" rule, I guess i kinda got excited that I got an SMS out of the blue. Its really hard considering that when we were together we would ALWAYS sms each other and our reward we got were big smiles and huge phone bills. I miss doing that with her and so I miss her a heaps too You are right, I should back off and make her wait. I remember one time we were together and she rang my mobile and I didnt answer (was at the other end of the house) she got upset saying that I carry that phone with me everywhere so how come I couldnt answer that time......maybe she still knows that now so i might have to hold off on the SMS.....not like I've had a lot of practise as this is the first time in ages that she had SMS'd me out of the blue. Guess what i'm scared of if i do the 'no contact' rule is that she may think that I've gone off her and so thinks that I have closed the door on her and if there was a chance of reconciliation that its now been swept away. far from the truth, i DO really do want to get back with her! bloody hell......they say that guys have no heart??????? Link to post Share on other sites
InLoKo Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Isn't the no contact rule supposed to be applied to give the Dumper a chance to come back? If the dumper does make contact, what's the point in ignoring it? I do think responses should be "measured", just like Kit did. But to ignore her message completely would have been the wrong thing IMO. Now the no contact rule should be applied to Kit again. But he did exactly the right thing. She is clearly thinking about him and wondering why she hasn't heard from him, hence the SMS. I bet she'll contact him again in a while. Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 hi kit - good to see your updates i think if she contacts you, you havent broken the no contact rule, therefore you arent breaking it by answering her questions. if i was you, id take the opportunity to have a friendly and warm conversation. you say she has enough friends already, but the best relationships are built on a solid foundation of friendship. if i were you and she contacted me again, id' be genuine and warm in my responses, without being over eager or asking 'those' questions, which i know you wont anyway. i subscribe to leaving someone feeling good about themselves rather than making someone interested through insecurity - in my opinion, playing those sort of games wont get you the relationship you deserve, it will prolong an incompatible union and sustain the wrong basis for a relationship. take care! Link to post Share on other sites
mandrews1119 Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 Hang in there guys!! Sometimes these things take time. Read my other posts. Keep working on yourselves, and be honest. Love and life will do the rest. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted January 9, 2004 Share Posted January 9, 2004 No contact doesn't mean never talk to her. So applied to a situation like Kit's, where he wants her back: It is intended to allow her time to think and reconsider or for him to get over her. People recommend no contact for two reasons, to allow him to move on (for his own good even if that isn't what he wants) or to allow her time to think and come back without being pushed further away. If your friends are honest with you they will tell you why they are recommending no contact. But sometimes they will recommend no contact because they think they are doing what's best for you and they want you to move on. It's hard to tell, but the end result is the same however you prefer things to work out. Just keep in mind that your friend may be trying to do what they think is best for you rather than what is best for your goal of getting her back. 1) it allows him to get over her (which he doesn't want now) 2) it allows her to get over him (which he also doesn't want) 3) it allows him time to reconsider wanting her back, with a clear head 4) it allows her time to reconsider wanting to leave, and time to miss him and want him back If she starts dating other people during this time, things get a little cloudier. She may still decide to come back, but he may decide that she can't because she was with someone else. If he starts dating, he may decide that she doesn't matter anymore. Or he may end up hurting someone else when he takes her back. If he doesn't start dating, he risks wasting his time for nothing. If there are other factors, like severe emotional distress (recent breakup, divorce, illness, death of a loved one), insecurity (fear of success), or psychological trauma (child of divorce, mental illness, abuse, rape) she may just need to find herself or work through her issues. Emotional distress can cause someone to make a drastic change to try to stabilize or reset their life. She may be trying to eliminate you as a stressor. She may be aware of this or not. She may even be trying to do what is best for you while she works through her own issues. That is a sign of a good woman. A good woman won't tell you that she just needs to go out and try a few guys so that she is sure she is doing the right thing because she is too young, or was married for so long. She may actually be comforted by you dating other people while she does. Once she works thru the issues, she may reconsider.....or she may not. She might find someone else she likes better in the meantime. If the relationship only lasted 3-4 months to begin with or if she is less than 25 (or so) years old she isn't likely to be coming back. 3 months is a trial period. The trial is over, move on. Less than 25, many/most people aren't looking for permanent relationships. So when she calls/SMS's, he should respond if he wants her back. Not right away, and he shouldn't over do it, but he should respond to her and leave the ball in her court to give her a comfort zone and a good image on him. If he doesn't respond at all she may read that as him moving on. When you don't really value your relationship(s), it is easier to separate. No contact can also be a method for revenge against a partner who wronged you or a self defense mechanism to deal with the emotions of the breakup. The dumper may use it to avoid facing their feelings about a person they don't want to be with, or the dumped may use it as a defense. The problem is that when you are really in love and have legitimate reason to believe the other person may come back, the longer the no contact goes on the harder it is to deal with the separation. The mental pressure to do something continues to increase. Kit has it even worse, he's up against an externally imposed deadline. He's going to eventually be forced to break the no contact policy and then he may have to wait a year. Or maybe that's easier than not ever knowing if she is ever coming back? Once the dumper tries to comes back, the rules change. If she calls, then she has changed or is thinking about changing her mind (whatever she might think) and the walls are coming down a bit. But she may just be feeling bad about what she did and trying to get some comfort for herself. It doesn't matter, it shows that she is thinking about you. Keeping her at a distance lets her continue to lower the walls until eventually she is trying hard to get you back. So you talk, you are civil, you can state your terms, offer to take her back, but you cannot beg her to come back. Sending gifts very early on is ok, but if she tells you to stop, stop. Otherwise she will start to see it as a manipulation, no matter how sincere you are. At that point you are violating her space. The more you do it, the more damage you do to yourself. If she asks to try again, and you still want to then do it. But slowly. Letting her in too easily may give her the illusion that she can just come back on her terms and take what she wants when she wants. That's no kind of relationship. You have to let her into your world, but not have control of it. If she is going to come back it has to be on mutual terms, not her terms and not yours. "No contact" should be considered a policy and not a rule. If you have any doubt, don't contact her. Listen to that little voice. Try to sit on things for a day or two before acting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KitWalker Posted January 11, 2004 Author Share Posted January 11, 2004 LOST, all I can say is WOW.......you answered both sides of the equation in your post and its very appreciative!! just though i'd give some feedback..... 1) it allows him to get over her (which he doesn't want now) 2) it allows her to get over him (which he also doesn't want) 3) it allows him time to reconsider wanting her back, with a clear head 4) it allows her time to reconsider wanting to leave, and time to miss him and want him back I am accepting point (1) but like LOST says, I dont want that.....Point (2) i dont have much say in, but i do hope that in doing that point 2 that she will eventually get to Point (4). If the relationship only lasted 3-4 months to begin with or if she is less than 25 (or so) years old she isn't likely to be coming back. 3 months is a trial period. The trial is over, move on. Less than 25, many/most people aren't looking for permanent relationships. We are both 27, I am about 4mths older than her. We've been together (prior to breakup) for approx 18mths. So I still have hope that she will come back based on LOST's point above? When together we talked about marriage, she told her mum that i was the guy she would say yes in a flash if I asked her.... *********** Lots of good points in LOST's post, I guess what i've concluded is that rather than jump straight back on my phone to sms back a reply, I should wait a day or two before I do that. I know that I was doing the same with her mum and yesterday she sent me an SMS and i didnt reply until this morning. After I had gone around there (she had made me some biscuits to take home), i told her i had a party at my place the night before and she said oh that was the reason why you didnt reply to my sms straight away....thing was, she sent it in the arvo and party wasnt til late at night...i chose not to reply straight away... Her mum doesnt say anything about her daughter, for whatever reason, whether its cos she doesnt know anything or cos she doesnt want to say anything. Kinda cut off from my ex's world I guess? As much as I would love to know whats happening, i think i find it easier not knowing either. So many times I do want to take that extra 5mins to go out of my way and drive past her house etc. I konw its wrong and I know it shouldnt but those are the sorts of things that play through my head. I always think against doing this as I figure if I see something that i dont like, what the hell am I going to do anyway? Just make myself worked up even more? I guess not knowing is prolly better than knkowing in this instance? LOST's point about not responding to my ex's calls/sms etc will lead her to believe that maybe i've cut off contact and so I've moved on. I want to be able to portray that I have moved on and that Im living my life but at the same time that I am open to having our relationship back. How can you say all of that?? I do miss her dearly and I admit i have gone out on a few coffee dates here and there, but I find myself thinking of the ex more than anything. Dont get me wrong, i dont talk about my ex nor am I wet blanket, i treat the lady with respect, talk, laugh and try to enjoy myself but in the end, im going to sleep on my own and I am left with thoughts of my ex and what she is doing and if she thinks about me, if she still loves me and if she has second thoughts about the two of us..... Link to post Share on other sites
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