The ex from high-school... Again

[Lu-Lu]

Long post... I'm sorry! But I need your help because I have nobody to talk about this.

I have a wonderful husband. We have been together for 4 years now. We had the most beautiful story. He's affectionate, sweet, more than any other guy I ever knew. He treats me like nobody ever did. I trust him to death. He does "little things" like cooking me dinner, holding me all night, doing dishes or bring me a glass of wine after work all the time. So... What's wrong?

Around a year after we started dating (and were living together), we were having a drink and he told me that he still missed his first love, a girl he dated in high-school. When he saw my face he said "well, sometimes..."

That killed the magic we had until that moment. He didn't mention her for a few months after that, but I couldn't help it. I felt that if he was missing someone else "our" love wasn't THAT great.

Later on, he mentioned her a few times... He said she was "the sweetest girl ever" and that "they had big plans". I asked him about the story and she cheated on him and broke his heart, then moved to another state.

One night he got up in the middle of the night. I thought he was going to the bathroom and fell back asleep. Like half an hour later a woke up and he was still gone. I went to the living room and found him on the computer. This girl's myspace profile was on the screen. He was trying to contact her.

We had a big fight, he told me that he had dreams about her. Then he said he just wanted to say "hi"... I was very hurt and dissapointed. He promised not to try to contact her again.

Months went by without mentioning her. My husband proposed. We got married.

A year into our marriage, I found a myspace profile he created way back when he first found her. It said he was single, living in a different city and was full of pictures of himself only. And we were living together! I checked on the "last visited" day and it was before he proposed.

Anyway, I kept saying to myself that I need to get over it. My husband DOES really love me. The thing is that the ex keeps "appearing" in conversations. We were out one night with one heart-broken friend of ours, and my husband said that he never "got over his ex completely". He told me that he said that to "Sympathize" with his friend. Then a few days after that he said that if he could "go back to high-school he would"

The thing is, I know he loves me but I feel that he will never love me the way he loved her. It is strange because he really did stop trying to contact her, SHOWS me with facts that he loves me, but still every now and then reminds me that he STILL misses his ex after 10 years. I feel like a 2nd choice and it hurts. It really does. Am I being irrational?? Please help me, this is not letting me sleep. And thanks for bearing with me through this extensive post.