Is Your Relationship Viable For the Long-Term or Will it be Short-Lived?

[Touche]

Ok, I was going to put this under Getting Married but I thought I'd post it under dating since many dating situations DO turn into engagements.

 

Here's what this thread is about:

 

Not to sound like a know-it-all but I'm pretty darn good at determining if a relationship has long-term viability or not...and more importantly, whether it will be a happy union or not.

 

No, I don't have a crystal ball but with a little background and a few pointed questions I can predict with pretty good accuracy whether it will last or not.

 

So if you want to know, just post giving me a little background. I must at least know your ages, whether you've been married or in another long-term relationship before and how long you know each other. (The last bit isn't as important but it does help me in gauging things.) Also, any other important information you want to give out...are there kids involved? Also, mention any current concerns but also tell me what's good about your relationship.

 

From there, I may ask a few more questions before I determine that it's:

 

1. VIABLE

2. NOT VIABLE

3. TOO CLOSE TO CALL...could go either way.

 

So who is game?

 

Also, anyone can weigh in giving their opinions and/or disagreeing with my assessment or anyone else's.

 

I think this will be helpful and an eye-opener for many.

 

So who wants to go first?

[headlesschicken]

are you god? cause this is a pretty tall order.

 

[Touche]

are you god? cause this is a pretty tall order.

 

 

Nope, I'm not god. And it's not a tall order really. It's not that difficult. I pretty much call it every time. I'm not the only one who can do it either.

 

Anyway, this thread isn't about questioning whether I can call it or not..or whether anyone else can call it so your comment is off-topic.

 

No one is obligated to post. If you think I'm full of shyt, feel free to not post on this thread.

[SoulSearch_CO]

OK...I'll do it.

 

I'm 29, he's turning 30 in 2 weeks. He was in a 5-year relationship that ended about 20 months ago. They broke up because she thought he was never going to propose and she left him for another guy on the very date he was going to propose to her on (he had the ring and everything). I was married for 4 1/2 years to a man that perpetually lied to me and cheated on me. Separated and filed in May 2008 - finalized in August.

 

The new BF and I met in November on eHarmony. Had a date in December and felt we were more like friends. We talked a TON on the phone through the month of December. Then we had a date in January, things really lit up on that date, we got serious. We live two hours apart and see each other every week. There has not a week gone by that I haven't been out at his place, or him at mine. We talk on the phone twice a day and email.

 

His last relationship, she was about 5 years younger than him. My last relationship, my XH was 15 years my senior. Kinda funny that we had the age difference thing in our last relationships and we closed the gap for this one.

 

No kids involved at all. We agree on the kid issue and the marriage issue for the time being - that they'll be discussed MUCH further down the road. We each have a dog about the same size and they love each other.

 

He grew up in a very small town where everybody knows each other. I grew up in a suburb of a large city where my graduating class was larger than the population of his entire town.

 

Let me know if there are any further questions. I'm interested to see what you have to say. I'm pretty relaxed about the whole thing, so I'm open to whatever you have to say. I'm content.

[Touche]

Soul, you're a brave soul to put yourself out there!

 

Ok, a couple of comments and some questions.

 

First, in your guys' cases I'm throwing out my normal age requirement of 30 or over. You're close enough and the fact that you both had a relatively long-term relationship each, is in your favor.

 

Ok, questions...answer only if you feel comfortable doing so. These are my questions for now but I may have some follow-up questions before I weigh in:

 

1. Have you been intimate?

 

2. Are you or his parents divorced?

 

3. What does he say about his ex? Why did he wait so long before he finally decided to propose? Need more info there...

 

4. Have you talked at all about anything to do with turning this long distance relationship into one that is not?

[allina]

Touche, I'm down to play. But you already know my details and I already know my relationship is viable

[Touche]

Touche, I'm down to play. But you already know my details and I already know my relationship is viable

 

Hey, Allina! Go ahead if you want. If nothing else I'm pretty sure this thread will help others even if they don't post at all. They can look at their own relationships and determine whether it's viable or not based on some of what they read here.

 

But yeah, from what I know you two DO seem like a viable match. The only thing concerning me is your age. How old is your b/f and how long have you two been together? Is the cultural difference going to present a problem in any way vis-a-vis family?

[ate_the_paint]

Haha, this is fun!

 

Okay, she's 29 and I'm 32. No kids. She's been in a 3 year live-in relationship, and I've been in a 6 year live-in relationship. We're both educated and working.

 

Met a month-and-a-half ago and hit it off. Both conversationalists. We've recently 'been intimate'.

 

We both say we want to remain single to reach personal goals, but when together we both say "It's so damn hard to stay single!"

 

Anything else? lol

[allina]

Hey, Allina! Go ahead if you want. If nothing else I'm pretty sure this thread will help others even if they don't post at all. They can look at their own relationships and determine whether it's viable or not based on some of what they read here.

 

But yeah, from what I know you two DO seem like a viable match. The only thing concerning me is your age. How old is your b/f and how long have you two been together? Is the cultural difference going to present a problem in any way vis-a-vis family?

 

Ok, wait how do I actually play?

Age, I'm going to be 26 in about 2 months he just turned 29 We've been together over 2 and a half years.

 

The cultural thing. This was felt when his distant, very traditional family was to find out about me, I know my SO's mom was afraid to break the news to the extended family. When she did the news was met with joy, there were a couple of questions;is she educated, are her parents together, what sort of family does she come from, but those were quickly satisfied. While my family is Polish, and Catholic this has not been an issue with them. My cousins, aunt and grandmother have met my SO while visiting the US and they love him. My parents are very close with him and I am very close with his parents. Our parents have met and had a great time. Thankfully I love Indian food because that would pose issues

[conehead]

They broke up because she thought he was never going to propose and she left him for another guy on the very date he was going to propose to her on (he had the ring and everything).

 

Wow, I don't know if I'd believe that was the real case....I mean that would really have had to be a LACK of communication for that to happen. That's crazy!

[SophieA]

hahaha! I am curious to see what you have to say!

 

I am 24, he is 26. We've been together about 5 years. We both had LTR before we got together- mine was for a year and 1/2. His was for 2 years.

 

We do not live together. We do get "intimate" lol! He leaves in a few weeks for medical school in grand cayman so we will probably be long distance for 20 months.

 

What do ya say?

[Touche]

Ok, wait how do I actually play?

Age, I'm going to be 26 in about 2 months he just turned 29 We've been together over 2 and a half years.

 

The cultural thing. This was felt when his distant, very traditional family was to find out about me, I know my SO's mom was afraid to break the news to the extended family. When she did the news was met with joy, there were a couple of questions;is she educated, are her parents together, what sort of family does she come from, but those were quickly satisfied. While my family is Polish, and Catholic this has not been an issue with them. My cousins, aunt and grandmother have met my SO while visiting the US and they love him. My parents are very close with him and I am very close with his parents. Our parents have met and had a great time. Thankfully I love Indian food because that would pose issues

 

Ok, ate the paint I'll do you next, ok? Uhm, wait that didn't come out right...you know what I mean.

 

I will be honest Allina, although you seem very mature for your age the fact that you've been with him since you were 24 or 23 really, really makes me stop and pause. I'm not saying it's not viable at this point...I'll get to that, but is some strikes "against" you so to speak.

 

Because trust me, who you are attracted to at 23/24 is generally NOT who you are still attracted to at 33/34. Of course there are exceptions but that's generally true. Anyone can feel free to jump in and refute this with me. It's fine. I'm not God after all. But yeah, that really does concern me. Same deal for your fiance. Especially for men..they're generally not even close to knowing what they want/need until over 30. Again, you might be the exception.

 

Ok the other BIG concern here is the issue of kids. You've said you may or may not want them. You have to agree on that point. Also when and IF you do, again what about this cultural difference. How will they be raised?

 

You may think this is all 100 years into the future and not important now but trust me, stuff like this can easily break up a marriage years down the line.

 

So I do have a few concerns for you Allina. You guys sound very very good together though. But being very good together doesn't always mean that you should get married and that it will last. Not saying that's the case here but to be honest yours is a tough one to call.

 

If you can address the concerns I bring up, I'll "call" it in my next post to you, ok?

 

Ate the paint is next...give me a few minutes here.

[Touche]

Wow, I don't know if I'd believe that was the real case....I mean that would really have had to be a LACK of communication for that to happen. That's crazy!

 

Excellent observation! I was kind of thinking the same thing there which is why I said I needed more info on that. You're good.

 

Oh and Sophie, I'll get to you after ate the paint. I think I have some questions for you. But I can kind of already call that one. Hold on.

[Touche]

Haha, this is fun!

 

Okay, she's 29 and I'm 32. No kids. She's been in a 3 year live-in relationship, and I've been in a 6 year live-in relationship. We're both educated and working.

 

Met a month-and-a-half ago and hit it off. Both conversationalists. We've recently 'been intimate'.

 

We both say we want to remain single to reach personal goals, but when together we both say "It's so damn hard to stay single!"

 

Anything else? lol

 

Ok, at first glance this looks quite viable. But yes, let me ask a couple of questions before I weigh in.

 

1. Why did each of you break off your rather serious relationships?

 

2. How does she talk about her ex? And what about you?

[Touche]

hahaha! I am curious to see what you have to say!

 

I am 24, he is 26. We've been together about 5 years. We both had LTR before we got together- mine was for a year and 1/2. His was for 2 years.

 

We do not live together. We do get "intimate" lol! He leaves in a few weeks for medical school in grand cayman so we will probably be long distance for 20 months.

 

What do ya say?

 

Gosh Sophie, I hate to say this but this one doesn't look viable to me for a few reasons but I have some questions.

 

1. Have you talked about seeing each other at all during those 20 months?

 

2. What about any talk about dating others during that time?

 

If you can answer those, I'll probably be able to weigh in unless I have follow-up questions.

 

But at first glance, I'm going to have to say NOT VIABLE.

[Trialbyfire]

Touche, you should post that list of questions from the other thread and add to it, so people divulge the right kind of information.

 

For example, one of the posters in this thread is in the middle of a non-viable relationship, potentially from loss of interest from the other person. It's possible things have turned around, in the last few days though.

[allina]

 

I will be honest Allina, although you seem very mature for your age the fact that you've been with him since you were 24 or 23 really, really makes me stop and pause. I'm not saying it's not viable at this point...I'll get to that, but is some strikes "against" you so to speak.

 

Because trust me, who you are attracted to at 23/24 is generally NOT who you are still attracted to at 33/34. Of course there are exceptions but that's generally true. Anyone can feel free to jump in and refute this with me. It's fine. I'm not God after all. But yeah, that really does concern me. Same deal for your fiance. Especially for men..they're generally not even close to knowing what they want/need until over 30. Again, you might be the exception.

 

Ok the other BIG concern here is the issue of kids. You've said you may or may not want them. You have to agree on that point. Also when and IF you do, again what about this cultural difference. How will they be raised?

 

You may think this is all 100 years into the future and not important now but trust me, stuff like this can easily break up a marriage years down the line.

 

So I do have a few concerns for you Allina. You guys sound very very good together though. But being very good together doesn't always mean that you should get married and that it will last. Not saying that's the case here but to be honest yours is a tough one to call.

 

If you can address the concerns I bring up, I'll "call" it in my next post to you, ok?

 

Ate the paint is next...give me a few minutes here.

 

Well the age we got together isn't something that can change or be discussed, it just is what it is

 

While I see what you're saying I don't think that meeting in your mid 20s is a negative when it comes to marriage. Either way, I'm glad we're getting in a variety of experiences in together before settling down. When we started dating I was finishing college. We've been together through that transition, through him going through a big job change, 2 moves, working on getting ready to buy a home, planning this trip to Europe. I think that being able to successfully navigate through life together has bonded us so much more, it showed me that he IS the one I will cherish at 40, 50, 60... In this sense I feel like we're more of a team than if we had started dating at 32, each with an established career and condo.

 

Kids. I don't have a huge desire for them, I have never been one to melt over a random strangers baby. But I think I might want my own, just definitely not today.

 

We've actually talked a lot about raising them and how we'd do it. Culture has never played part in our discussion though so you might have to elaborate on that.

[Touche]

Touche, you should post that list of questions from the other thread and add to it, so people divulge the right kind of information.

 

For example, one of the posters in this thread is in the middle of a non-viable relationship, potentially from loss of interest from the other person. It's possible things have turned around, in the last few days though.

 

I was actually thinking the same thing. I might do that. I just thought on here, I'd tailor my questions according to the info given etc. but yeah, that's a good idea.

 

As to the other...not sure I'm following you. Can you say which poster? That's an important bit of information if I'm being asked to weigh in.

 

Ok, Allina. I know the age can't be changed but I do base the viability of a relationship in part, on the ages of the people involved. It's important. It goes to stage in life. And as I've said, who we're attracted to in our early 20's is mostly NOT who we're attracted to later on in our 30's. That's the truth. So it's a concern. Doesn't mean you won't make it though. You brought up some excellent points about being able to navigate successfully through some important transitions. That bodes well for the two of you.

 

Ok, as for kids. Does HE want them or will he just go with what you want?

 

When I say culture...Are you raising them as Catholics? Or in your guys' religion or none or what? Have you talked about it? That can become a HUGE sticking point later on. It really can...especially when family butts in and weighs in and puts pressure on one or both of you.

 

So I'd like to know more about that one.

 

Because right now, yours to be honest, is a tough one to call for me insofar as LOOOONGGG term viability. See what I mean? I think right now going the way you are, you can make it for years to come. In your case I'm really looking down the line since you're about to get engaged.

[dreamergrl]

I'm 27, he's 23. He acts more mature then a 23 year old. Has goals and ambitions. Our personalities click so well. We always can laugh and have fun with each other. There's a very open door for any communication needed. He's very affectionate, and lets me know how he feels about me. He doesn't hold back, has been honest and forthcoming. If I start to feel insecure, he sits me down and makes sure I understand that he isn't out to use me, screw me, and leave me. We've had sex, and it's amazing. He always makes sure I'm taken care of first. We have fun whether we're going out for the night, or staying in playing video games or watching movies. Sometimes he'll drop in just for an hour to have lunch with me. He never leaves me hanging, follows through with everything he says he'll do. As of Sunday we'll have been dating for 4 weeks. Neither of us are dating other people. Nor do we want to. Any conversation leading up to exclusivity was started by him. He tells me he wants a long term relationship. He wants to be married someday and start a family. He doesn't go partying every night like most boys his age. He has priorities.

[allina]

 

Ok, as for kids. Does HE want them or will he just go with what you want?

 

When I say culture...Are you raising them as Catholics? Or in your guys' religion or none or what? Have you talked about it? That can become a HUGE sticking point later on. It really can...especially when family butts in and weighs in and puts pressure on one or both of you.

 

So I'd like to know more about that one.

 

 

He's not super in to kids but think he wants one some day, I'm the same. We want to be married for at least 2 years till babies come in to the picture.

 

When it comes to culture. We are both not traditional, we are both atheists. We will not be raising a child with any religion.

 

However, we gladly take part in things like Diwali, or Easter dinner as a family, which would include the kid if/when we have one. Neither family pushes religion or culture on us, I don't see it being an issue.

[Touche]

I agree. Doesn't sound like an issue there.

 

Ok, I'm calling yours VIABLE. As I said the age concerns me but you have other things going for both of you that might override that. Not every couple who meets in their 20's fail.

 

So I call this one.... VIABLE.

 

Ok, dreamer, you asked for it! You're next. Give me a few minutes to look it over (and grab some lunch:laugh:)

[Touche]

I'm 27, he's 23. He acts more mature then a 23 year old. Has goals and ambitions. Our personalities click so well. We always can laugh and have fun with each other. There's a very open door for any communication needed. He's very affectionate, and lets me know how he feels about me. He doesn't hold back, has been honest and forthcoming. If I start to feel insecure, he sits me down and makes sure I understand that he isn't out to use me, screw me, and leave me. We've had sex, and it's amazing. He always makes sure I'm taken care of first. We have fun whether we're going out for the night, or staying in playing video games or watching movies. Sometimes he'll drop in just for an hour to have lunch with me. He never leaves me hanging, follows through with everything he says he'll do. As of Sunday we'll have been dating for 4 weeks. Neither of us are dating other people. Nor do we want to. Any conversation leading up to exclusivity was started by him. He tells me he wants a long term relationship. He wants to be married someday and start a family. He doesn't go partying every night like most boys his age. He has priorities.

 

Ok, here we have the age thing again. I mean you yourself even called him a "boy" dreamer. He does sound like a stand-up guy though.

 

My concern is that you're older than he is. Four years is nothing but at your ages it can be.

 

Here are my questions for you now before I weigh in:

 

Have you discussed where you see yourselves in 5 years when you're 32 and he's 28?

 

Have you had your first fight yet? If so, describe how it was resolved.

[Sam Spade]

Ok, I was going to put this under Getting Married but I thought I'd post it under dating since many dating situations DO turn into engagements.

 

Here's what this thread is about:

 

Not to sound like a know-it-all but I'm pretty darn good at determining if a relationship has long-term viability or not...and more importantly, whether it will be a happy union or not.

 

No, I don't have a crystal ball but with a little background and a few pointed questions I can predict with pretty good accuracy whether it will last or not.

 

So if you want to know, just post giving me a little background. I must at least know your ages, whether you've been married or in another long-term relationship before and how long you know each other. (The last bit isn't as important but it does help me in gauging things.) Also, any other important information you want to give out...are there kids involved? Also, mention any current concerns but also tell me what's good about your relationship.

 

From there, I may ask a few more questions before I determine that it's:

 

1. VIABLE

2. NOT VIABLE

3. TOO CLOSE TO CALL...could go either way.

 

So who is game?

 

Also, anyone can weigh in giving their opinions and/or disagreeing with my assessment or anyone else's.

 

I think this will be helpful and an eye-opener for many.

 

So who wants to go first?

 

 

Allright, I want to know so I'll bait:

 

Here's the background:

ME: 32 y/o, educated (doctorate, just started permanent academic job), okay though not great money, 15k debt total, a dog, 1 long term relationship in the past + several of hookups. Stereotypical 'tough guy' conduct in life, coping with it better than most. Pretty good looking, very comfortable in own's skin. Prefers less talking. Views relationships as a choice and commitment (rather than luck), paranoid that most today's women don't. Wants to get married. Prefer traditionally oriented woman, but at the same time it is very important to me that she has some sort of own job and income, doesn't need to be anything spectacular. I just want to avoid being completely screwed in a divorce court.

 

HER: 30 y/o, not very educated/kinda silly (which is endearing), about to start a 2 year graduate program in a health profession (i.e. won't have a career until 2 years later, see above). Have no idea about her finances, but probably has some savings and no debt due to living at home. Comes from a traditional asian family, though been living in the US for 20 years, and pretty traditional herself. No long term relationships before me, 1 boyfriend of couple of months + 1 hookup. Kind, thoughtful, introspective, but also somewhat sarcastic and calculating. Pretty good looking, does not seem to be very confident (at least not yet), some self-esteem issues. Has never lived independently (lives with parents, managed family business before deciding to move into healthcare).

 

Been dating for 5 months. No I love yous yet. Pretty casual so far. I like her a lot but do not trust myself to recognize credible red flags, so it will probably fizzle, though I'd totally marry her if I manage to convince myself that there are none. I can tell she likes me a lot, but that doesn't mean much because she doesn't have much to compare to. Cultural differences can be more benefitial than detrimental to the relationship imo.

 

So, what's the verdict? My verdict is "TOO CLOSE TO CALL", but I may be overly optimistic, as usual.

[Touche]

This thread is for those who are ALREADY in relationships. You must both have already agreed to be exclusive.

 

Please don't post if you're just dating..I know this is under "dating" though. Maybe I put it in the wrong section.

 

So again, don't post if you're just dating and not in an exclusive relationship. That's not what this thread is about.

 

Thank you.

[Sam Spade]

I'm not sure I understand the distinction between dating and a relationship - if I'm dating someone exclusively form months and months with no predetermined end in sight (and have sex with them, duh) I'm pretty sure I'm in a relationship.