Is Your Relationship Viable For the Long-Term or Will it be Short-Lived?

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks for the VIABLE stamp. I'm wearing it proudly across my forehead!

[Touche]

What about the rest of mine

 

Sorry, dreamer did I miss more info from you? Last I recall I gave you my final analysis with Sam's.

 

Touche, thanks for taking the time to do this. This is making for a very interesting thread!

 

Thanks, Sarah! I appreciate that. I just responded to yours.

[SarahRose]

Your turn, Sarah!

 

This sure is different. Hmmmm...Let me ask you this: What is the best thing about your relationship and what's the one thing you would change?

 

Do you both want the same things?

 

My immediate gut feeling is this is VIABLE but I need more info.

 

Thanks again for this. Very cool!

 

The best thing is we get along so very well.

 

One thing I would change is I wish he would be more assertive in the relationship.

 

What do you mean by wanting the same things?

[Touche]

Thanks for the VIABLE stamp. I'm wearing it proudly across my forehead!

 

Haha! And it's well-deserved. This has all the makings of a happy and long marriage. Just keep the lines of communications open and don't sweat the small stuff!

[Touche]

Thanks again for this. Very cool!

 

The best thing is we get along so very well.

 

One thing I would change is I wish he would be more assertive in the relationship.

 

What do you mean by wanting the same things?

 

Ok, that's excellent about getting along very well.

 

Does the fact that he's not that assertive cause any problems in your relationship? If so, please describe what kinds of problems.

 

Wanting the same things as in marriage or children or whatever it is that YOU want. Is he on the same page as you? For guidance, please see my checklist that TBF was referring to in her thread.

 

Can you address some of those?

 

I will weigh in after I have enough info.

[shadowplay]

Touche, this is a fun idea. Heh. Can I weigh in as well? I have a pretty good sense of people and relationships, even if that doesn't apply to my own.

[mjae]

i want to try! i think i already know what your reaction might be, but i need an objective opinion anyway:

 

i'm 25, he's 28. we dated for a very brief time about 3 years ago and ended up getting back together and have been together now for a year. a few months ago he was going to pick up and move to another state foer school, but ended up putting it off. he never really said whether or not it was to save our relationship. most recently he decided, out of nowhere, to take a trip with two of his friends to europe... for a month.

 

we are overall happy. i'm willing to try to make it work. do you think it's viable?

[Touche]

Touche, this is a fun idea. Heh. Can I weigh in as well? I have a pretty good sense of people and relationships, even if that doesn't apply to my own.

 

Thanks, SP!

 

Please do. I even welcomed it in my first post. But no one has done so yet. I'm sure I'm not going to pick up on every nuance or what not. And feel free to disagree with any of my final weigh ins.

 

So let me ask you this...do you agree with my assessments so far?

[Touche]

i want to try! i think i already know what your reaction might be, but i need an objective opinion anyway:

 

i'm 25, he's 28. we dated for a very brief time about 3 years ago and ended up getting back together and have been together now for a year. a few months ago he was going to pick up and move to another state foer school, but ended up putting it off. he never really said whether or not it was to save our relationship. most recently he decided, out of nowhere, to take a trip with two of his friends to europe... for a month.

 

we are overall happy. i'm willing to try to make it work. do you think it's viable?

 

I have questions mj. Why did you go your separate ways at first?

 

And are you saying that he decided on this trip without even talking to you about it?

 

(That's it isn't it? Is that what you thought I was going to say?)

 

Oh and..welcome to LS!

[SarahRose]

Ok, that's excellent about getting along very well.

 

Does the fact that he's not that assertive cause any problems in your relationship? If so, please describe what kinds of problems.

 

Wanting the same things as in marriage or children or whatever it is that YOU want. Is he on the same page as you? For guidance, please see my checklist that TBF was referring to in her thread.

 

Can you address some of those?

 

I will weigh in after I have enough info.

 

I can't seem to find the checklist.

 

I would like to get married or at least live together. He doesn't want to talk about either of those and says he is not ready.

 

We have a lot of fun together and things are very easy when we are together.

[shadowplay]

OK...I'll do it.

 

I'm 29, he's turning 30 in 2 weeks. He was in a 5-year relationship that ended about 20 months ago. They broke up because she thought he was never going to propose and she left him for another guy on the very date he was going to propose to her on (he had the ring and everything). I was married for 4 1/2 years to a man that perpetually lied to me and cheated on me. Separated and filed in May 2008 - finalized in August.

 

The new BF and I met in November on eHarmony. Had a date in December and felt we were more like friends. We talked a TON on the phone through the month of December. Then we had a date in January, things really lit up on that date, we got serious. We live two hours apart and see each other every week. There has not a week gone by that I haven't been out at his place, or him at mine. We talk on the phone twice a day and email.

 

His last relationship, she was about 5 years younger than him. My last relationship, my XH was 15 years my senior. Kinda funny that we had the age difference thing in our last relationships and we closed the gap for this one.

 

No kids involved at all. We agree on the kid issue and the marriage issue for the time being - that they'll be discussed MUCH further down the road. We each have a dog about the same size and they love each other.

 

He grew up in a very small town where everybody knows each other. I grew up in a suburb of a large city where my graduating class was larger than the population of his entire town.

 

Let me know if there are any further questions. I'm interested to see what you have to say. I'm pretty relaxed about the whole thing, so I'm open to whatever you have to say. I'm content.

 

You disappeared from the thread after Touche's followup questions! Anyway, I think her question about what he says about his ex is key.

 

Also a few more questions of my own...

 

1) What EXACTLY has he said about marriage? Is he sure he wants to marry eventually? Your comment about agreeing to discuss marriage down the line sounds a bit vague.

 

2) What were his relationships like prior to his most recent ex? Was she his only serious one?

 

3) Has either of you dropped the "L-Bomb?"

 

4) Has one of you done most of the pursuing or is it about equal?

 

5) What's his relationship with his mother like?

 

6) What are some of the most affectionate things he has said to you so far? Does he seem crazy about you?

 

7) Is he more passive, dominant or neither? Was he more passive or dominant in his last relationship?

 

As it is, you've given us too little information, but somehow I'm leaning toward not viable. I think him staying with a woman 4.5 years without proposing is a red flag. Even if they weren't compatible it's a bad sign that he led her on for so long.

 

Your answers to this question very well may change my response. Right now it could swing either way.

 

Eagerly waiting your answers!

 

[shadowplay]

Thanks, SP!

 

Please do. I even welcomed it in my first post. But no one has done so yet. I'm sure I'm not going to pick up on every nuance or what not. And feel free to disagree with any of my final weigh ins.

 

So let me ask you this...do you agree with my assessments so far?

 

I've only read the first page of the thread, but I'll get back to you when I'm done.

[mjae]

we parted our seperate ways because i guess i wanted to be "carefree" and not in a relationship.

 

no, we talked about the trip. and i've bit my tongue about it. i don't want to prevent him from doing something he REALLY wants to do. i guess, it would've been nice if we planned a trip like that together. a month in several beautiful countries sounds like a romantic trip for a couple, no?

[Touche]

I can't seem to find the checklist.

 

I would like to get married or at least live together. He doesn't want to talk about either of those and says he is not ready.

 

We have a lot of fun together and things are very easy when we are together.

 

I'm sorry Sarah but I'm going to have to say NOT VIABLE unless you're willing to be happy with the way things are now and not expect anything else.

[SarahRose]

Thanks Touche

[Trialbyfire]

Haha! And it's well-deserved. This has all the makings of a happy and long marriage. Just keep the lines of communications open and don't sweat the small stuff!

Thanks! I don't sweat the small stuff, if the big stuff like trust, respect, like, love and communication, are all there.

 

Like my avvy?

[Touche]

we parted our seperate ways because i guess i wanted to be "carefree" and not in a relationship.

 

no, we talked about the trip. and i've bit my tongue about it. i don't want to prevent him from doing something he REALLY wants to do. i guess, it would've been nice if we planned a trip like that together. a month in several beautiful countries sounds like a romantic trip for a couple, no?

 

Yeah, sorry. I'm going to have to give this one a NOT VIABLE.

 

Too many red flags here. You might be together for awhile but it will end eventually. If you marry, you'll most likely divorce.

 

SP, WOW! I'm very impressed with your abilities! Excellent.

 

Sorry Sarah. You're welcome though.

[Touche]

Thanks! I don't sweat the small stuff, if the big stuff like trust, respect, like, love and communication, are all there.

 

Like my avvy?

 

Hahaha! So funny! I thought you weren't good at that photo manipulation stuff! That's hysterical!

 

Very cute.

 

Please, no one post a pic of yourself with a NOT VIABLE stamp on your forehead.

 

And if you can even post a TOO CLOSE TO CALL one you have a damn big forehead!

[JamesM]

Touche, interesting thread. And I think you are giving some valuable insights.

 

Many times it is actually quite easy for outsiders who have no subjective connections to a relationship, to give realistic "guesses" as to how viable the relationship actually is.

 

It's not almost impossible. There are almost ALWAYS red flags a waving...when there's not, then I call it VIABLE.

 

So true.

 

The problem is that most people won't listen and will go ahead and do what they're going to do anyway.

 

Oh so true. If they did, then there would be so many less divorces.

 

 

If it saves even ONE person from making a mistake then it's worth it.

 

 

Agreed. And if it causes some to stand back and fix the red flags BEFORE marrying, then it is also very valuable.

 

I only disagree with one of your criteria and that is that if you are in your twenties and seriously dating, then this is a red flag because you cannot know who you will be attracted to in your thirties...or that is how I interpreted it.

 

I know that most first time and long term (over fifteen years) marriages I see around me are of couples who married in their twenties. In fact, more than 90% I would guess.

 

I don't think this is a red flag by itself. However, I can see your point if one or both of the partners have not settled on a "path in life." Then until they have found themselves, I think they cannot find another.

 

I also hope that those who have received your approval do not then sit back and say that their relationship will be viable because you are basing your opinion on your experiences and even more importantly on what information has been given to you. If the info is "polished" and negative info forgotten, then reality may not be as it appears.

 

Other than that, a thread like this is so good in that it gives someone a wake up call to examine the relationship and do so without being blinded by "love."

[Star Gazer]

Ok, ONE last question for you, SG. Have you had any REAL conflict...something you didn't agree on besides that whole ski thing which I don't count as a fight. I have to know that one. If so, describe the conflict and how it was resolved. You don't have to be too specific if you don't want to..you can be general.

 

I don't know what you mean by REAL conflict.

 

We don't agree on everything under the sun, but we don't fight. We just don't. If I don't like something, or he doesn't, we address it and resolve it. It never turns into a fight or argument.

[Trialbyfire]

Hahaha! So funny! I thought you weren't good at that photo manipulation stuff! That's hysterical!

 

Very cute.

 

Please, no one post a pic of yourself with a NOT VIABLE stamp on your forehead.

 

And if you can even post a TOO CLOSE TO CALL one you have a damn big forehead!

Now that would be something to see!

 

I suck at chopping photos with photoshop. This is about as far as I can go, with text, since it's preformed letters within a text box. I can't insert or delete people/place or things into another picture.

 

There are other graphic software packages I use to resize, draw, etc, like with my other avvy, creating the wedding version of the bathroom figures couple.

[Star Gazer]

Also a few more questions of my own...

 

I actually think this thread should be limited to TOUCHE's questions and opinions. It is, after all, a thread about HER opinions - not yours.

[SophieA]

Gosh Sophie, I hate to say this but this one doesn't look viable to me for a few reasons but I have some questions.

 

1. Have you talked about seeing each other at all during those 20 months?

 

2. What about any talk about dating others during that time?

 

If you can answer those, I'll probably be able to weigh in unless I have follow-up questions.

 

But at first glance, I'm going to have to say NOT VIABLE.

 

Yes we have talked about seeing eachother. He actually asked me to move with him but I can't do that at this time. He leaves end of April 09. I will be visiting him in Aug 09. for 2 weeks and then he will be back in Dec. 09 for about 3 weeks. Then we're going to visit his brother in Florida for about 2 weeks in March 2010.

 

Yes we talked about dating others. I actually brought it up even though I knew my answer already... asked him if it's something we should try. And we both decided we do NOT want to date others.

 

Your thoughts?

[shadowplay]

Allright, I want to know so I'll bait:

 

Here's the background:

ME: 32 y/o, educated (doctorate, just started permanent academic job), okay though not great money, 15k debt total, a dog, 1 long term relationship in the past + several of hookups. Stereotypical 'tough guy' conduct in life, coping with it better than most. Pretty good looking, very comfortable in own's skin. Prefers less talking. Views relationships as a choice and commitment (rather than luck), paranoid that most today's women don't. Wants to get married. Prefer traditionally oriented woman, but at the same time it is very important to me that she has some sort of own job and income, doesn't need to be anything spectacular. I just want to avoid being completely screwed in a divorce court.

 

HER: 30 y/o, not very educated/kinda silly (which is endearing), about to start a 2 year graduate program in a health profession (i.e. won't have a career until 2 years later, see above). Have no idea about her finances, but probably has some savings and no debt due to living at home. Comes from a traditional asian family, though been living in the US for 20 years, and pretty traditional herself. No long term relationships before me, 1 boyfriend of couple of months + 1 hookup. Kind, thoughtful, introspective, but also somewhat sarcastic and calculating. Pretty good looking, does not seem to be very confident (at least not yet), some self-esteem issues. Has never lived independently (lives with parents, managed family business before deciding to move into healthcare).

 

Been dating for 5 months. No I love yous yet. Pretty casual so far. I like her a lot but do not trust myself to recognize credible red flags, so it will probably fizzle, though I'd totally marry her if I manage to convince myself that there are none. I can tell she likes me a lot, but that doesn't mean much because she doesn't have much to compare to. Cultural differences can be more benefitial than detrimental to the relationship imo.

 

So, what's the verdict? My verdict is "TOO CLOSE TO CALL", but I may be overly optimistic, as usual.

 

Don't mean to be harsh, but there are so many red flags here. Your own emotional hang-ups, your obvious lack of respect for her, the lack of true intimacy or communication after five months together.

 

NOT VIABLE. Sorry.

[Star Gazer]

Don't mean to be harsh, but there are so many red flags here. Your own emotional hang-ups, your obvious lack of respect for her, the lack of true intimacy or communication after five months together.

 

NOT VIABLE. Sorry.

 

This NOT YOUR THREAD.

 

Let's leave it to TOUCHE, okay???