Is Your Relationship Viable For the Long-Term or Will it be Short-Lived?

[JamesM]

This will be long...and thanks for taking the time to read it.

 

Hi confident&confused and welcome to LS!

 

Ok, well I hate to say this but in your case, I don't need to know more. You're not a match.

 

Run for the hills...NOT VIABLE.

 

Touche, excellent advice. Truthfully, I would have told this young man pretty much as you did. With all of the baggage that his girlfriend has, this marriage will have a tough time. Yet sometimes what seems not a match on paper can actually be a match in real life.

 

You see...this is my story. Yes, you read right. I am "confident&confused." I am the young man who broke an engagement and and then became engaged again.

 

I posted my situation as I think I would have written it back in 1989. I tried to be who I was then as a young man who had never experienced marriage. Although I called myself confident and confused, a better name would have been confident and uncertain. When I asked her to marry me a second time, I was no longer confused about who I wanted to marry. As a matter of fact, the first engagement break was more because I felt SHE wanted marriage more than she wanted ME. One could say I had cold feet about marriage but not about her. However, I felt I had better step back and see if it WAS about her.

 

I did not post my story as a test to you...rather I wanted to get your opinion. As I was thinking about your thread last night, I began wondering what my post would have read. By the time I ran it through my head, I realized that my situation had quite a few red flags. There were even a couple of more...her counselor said she should find a better guy. My folks were uncertain of how it would turn out.

 

Yet we went ahead. We felt that we had a friendship and love that could handle these red flags. Or rather, as naive young people, we ignored the red flags. In our case, I am thankful we did.

 

So far we have done pretty good. I have been quite honest with the strengths and weaknesses of my marriage. While I am sure some here would say as Star Gazer said on another thread "your marriage is no role model to use" IRL I think many would say we have it quite good over all. Yes, we have an area that is a problem...I want more sex than she wants..., but outside of that, we get along great. Even last night as I was painting, she said she could hardly wait for summer..because I would be home more. And I am looking forward to our next date night out...whenever that will be.

 

Yet I cannot help but see how your advice is actually "spot on" in some ways.

 

You're stable. You're grounded. If you marry her I can almost guarantee that she'll cause your life to be like you're on a rollercoaster ride. Not worth

it and very hard to maintain a relationship like this for a life-time.

 

Thank you for the compliment. And you are right...it has been me that has done most of the work on the marriage when times are tough. But yet...I see that with many if not most marriages. One person does more "emotional" work on the marriage, while the other is the responder. Make no mistake about it...there ARE areas that SHE is the one who does the work though.

 

In some ways, you are right. Our marriage has been a roller coaster ride, but we have ridden together in the same car. Some factors entered into the picture that we could not have anticipated prior to marriage. She has what is known as fibromyalgia and this causes her pain quite often. While she was emotionally fine for awhile, in the first few years of marriage, she did slip and went through intensive counseling. Since that time and sine the birth of our children, she has never looked back. Emotionally she has been much better.

 

And even in our weakest area...sex, this has not always been a problem. When we dated, she was passionate. When we were first married for quite a few years (about ten), this was not a big problem. I think it is connected to either her fibromyalgia (pain kills one's libido) or due to her childhood.

 

Has it been worth it? Without a doubt. Would I do it all over again? Yes, but I would do some things differently along the way. If I had found LS a few years earlier, I think I would have actually had some answers sooner. Has it been difficult? Not really overall. There have been times, yes, but when I hear of others IRL, our tough times have not been any more difficult that theirs. In fact, for the most part, ours have been easier.

 

When you're with the RIGHT person for YOU...there is no back and forth. You don't break it off to date others because you're with the right person for you.

 

This is very true, and I would say this to everyone.

 

BTW, I did not break it off to date anyone else. I simply broke the engagement to give myself more time to think about marriage. I never dated another woman while we split. During that time she went on one date with a guy to be certain she wanted to go back to me. Since she goofed and called him James a few times because she wanted to share what she saw with me, she knew that what we had was special.

 

I'm sorry. I hate to see you marry her only to get divorced. You're better off starting fresh and ending this. I mean if in a year and a half you haven't gotten it together with her, I'm not seeing it.

 

Well, now that you know the rest of the story, the extra six months DID make a difference. As of this moment (after almost nineteen years), we have not divorced. And I can truthfully say that in all of our years of marriage, I cannot say that I ever seriously thought of divorce. I know she has never expressed this to me either.

 

Trust me, when it's right you don't have to ask someone on the internet whether you should or not. You will know without a doubt.

 

This is VERY true. Although I did know at the time I was ready to ask her, I agree. When I see people posting that question..."Should I marry him/her?" then I think the same thing. If you should, then you would know. If you need to ask anyone else, then you are not ready. This was my case when I broke the engagement. I asked a few people that question and came to the realization that if I needed to ask, I was not ready. When I was ready, I needed to ask no one. I knew.

 

Good luck though and feel free to come back and post here or anywhere on LS about your situation.

 

Thank you. As you know, I enjoy posting here, and I like seeing what others think about my situations. And your advice is advice that I consider valuable.

 

For anyone reading this thinking that this is a good reason to ignore the red flags, I say NO. Do NOT ignore them but examine them very carefully.We had one big factor in our favor...we were best friends. We knew that if we had a choice, it would be each other that we wanted to spend time with...not the guys or girls. This never changed throughout our marriage to this day. Yes, we may have times where we want to be alone, but most of the time we would rather share an experience with each other. Friendship can do wonders when other areas need work.

 

We both had an additional factor in our favor...divorce has never been an option. Our parents were married for over 30 years at the time and now both have passed fifty years. For my folks I can say that it has been overall good.

 

Again, thank you for taking the time to analyze my situation as it was. Truthfully, I would have posted what you said and more. I would have told myself to "run for the hills" even faster.

 

Yet as I type and looking back over the years (almost nineteen), if I could send a message back to myself, I would say "Go for it. While you will have some tough times, you will never meet a more special woman than the one you have. She may not be perfect, but she will love you as best as she can. She will give you some fine children and you will admire her for the wonderful mother she is to them. Even after nineteen years, you will look at her and marvel at her beauty. The sparkle in her eyes will only get more special with age. It will be worth the tough times to have the privilege of spending your life with her."

[Art_Critic]

^ James... that was great.... Wow !!!.. Very thought provoking..

[Touche]

Great? I'm not sure. I'll have to think about it in all honesty. Because right now I feel duped.

 

Funny that yours was the ONLY post I think where I didn't have follow-up questions and pretty much decided on the spot from what you told me, that it was wrong.

 

Frankly, I feel set up. And I'm not sure I like it.

 

I might just be done with this entire thread. I thought I was helping people in some way.

 

But I've been demeaned and insulted...and not just by you, James. And sorry, but that's the way it feels right now...like a set up. Like HAHA! GOTCHA! You called this one wrong!

 

Whatever James. The fact is is that you can't put yourself back 20 years with any real accuracy. You can't remember with total clarity what your mental state was then. I'm sure this was embellished or just not quite the complete picture as you saw it then...you were trying to manipulate a certain response from me and you succeeded.

 

BRAVO! Nice job.

 

What a sham.

 

I MAY look at this again and perhaps I'll change my mind about your motives here. But for now, my FIRST reaction (the one I normally go with) is that you're motives here are suspect. You have an agenda with me here I think. Not sure. If I'm wrong, I will gladly admit it though.

 

I have more comments but I better calm down before I say anything for now.

[JamesM]

Great? I'm not sure. I'll have to think about it in all honesty. Because right now I feel duped.

 

Frankly, I feel set up. And I'm not sure I like it.

 

I might just be done with this entire thread. I thought I was helping people in some way.

 

No, you were not duped nor were you set up. At least that was not my motive. But I did want to know what your analysis would have been in my situation.

 

Do not quit this thread. You have made many people think about their relationship. I can almost guarantee that even if those whose relationship is not viable keep going, they will go forward with a better idea of what they will be facing in the future simply because you have showed them where they have some huge red flags that need to be resolved.

 

But I've been demeaned and insulted...and not just by you, James. And sorry, but that's the way it feels right now...like a set up. Like HAHA! GOTCHA! You called this one wrong!

 

I did not mean at all to insult you. Not the slightest.

 

And as I said, I would have given the same advice as you did. In fact, you said it kinder than I did.

 

Did I think you would call it wrong? Yes. Why? Because I would have given the same advice.Because I think any rational thinking individual given the facts of our courtship would have called it the way you did. Because my wife's counselor at the time called it the way you did.

 

And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. If anyone posted a story even close to that one, I would have said to either wait or run.

 

The fact is is that you can't put yourself back 20 years with any real accuracy. You can't remember with total clarity what your mental state was then. I'm sure this was embellished or just not quite the complete picture as you saw it then...you were trying to manipulate a certain response from me and you succeeded.

 

Actually, I did not include more details that would have made our dating days seem worse. I did not give the details of her sexual abuse and physical abuse which would have made her seem even more unstable.

 

I can say that this is what I would have posted back then. Why? Because I remember telling this story to my counselor.

 

I cannot say 100% my exact mental state, but I can say that I remember those months and years very clearly. The breakup and get back together were THE most difficult time of my life. It was the worst emotional roller coaster that I have been on...even when compared to all of my years of marriage. And I did not include that I, too, went to counseling to help straighten myself up.

 

I MAY look at this again and perhaps I'll change my mind about your motives here. But for now, my FIRST reaction (the one I normally go with) is that you're motives here are suspect. You have an agenda with me here I think. Not sure. If I'm wrong, I will gladly admit it though.

 

Shockingly, I have NO agenda with you. If you will notice in most every post that you and I have exchanged, there is a respect from my side to your opinions and advice even when I have disagreed.

 

Truthfully, my motive was to see what you would say. Nothing more or less. It was not to embarrass you. It was not to make you seem as if you did not know what you were saying...as my previous posts made clear that I think you DO know what you are saying.

 

As I said, much of your advice was right on. My only point was that despite so many red flags, we have thus far been enabled to actually build a marriage that for the most part has survived and thrived.

 

Please...please....my intentions were never to insult or demean you. It has not been my character here, and that did not change today.

[lnknprkfn]

Well... I myself have been with my boyfriend for about 10 months. This is the longest relationship either of us has been in, and I'm 20 and he is 21.

 

The time we have had together has been awesome. I love him with all my heart, but sometimes I think that his mom has more control over our realtionship then we do...

[Touche]

Ok, James. I'm sorry then. I guess I've been a little sensitive lately given the nature of what's been going on around here.

 

By the way, don't worry about what others say about whether your marriage is a "role model" or not...look at the source. I had another one say they wouldn't touch having a marriage like mine with a ten-foot pole or some such nonsense.

 

Both of them have a series of broken relationships behind them.

 

But anyway, that's neither here nor there...I understand what you're saying.

 

This thread is meant as a GUIDE though...it's not telling anyone what to do. It's just a guide. I think you understand that.

 

The other thing worth mentioning is that what makes up a happy marriage to me or for you, doesn't necessarily make up what a happy marriage is all about to the next person.

 

We're talking very generally here. Just basic guidelines to think about. And as I've said and I think you've mentioned, red flags can sometimes be dealt with successfully. Sometimes not. Maybe they're not ALWAYS a deal-breaker.

 

Only each individual can determine whether their relationship is worth continuing with or not. Some people needs things to be very "easy" and others will be fine with having to work at it more. It's all very individual, isn't it?

 

Maybe you're more patient than the average person. Maybe you have a higher capacity for understanding than a lot of people do. Maybe that's why your counselor advised you as he/she did and as I did because most people wouldn't have been able to stick it out through some of that.

 

So really each person has to decide what they're willing and capable of doing. They have to consider what they're tolerance levels are. (Mine is pretty low since my first marriage...expectations went WAY up.) Not saying you or anyone else might have lower expectations...just different than mine and some other people's.

 

Am I making sense?

 

Thanks James. You do bring up some interesting points to think about regarding the nature of what makes a relationship viable or not.

 

I do respect what you have to say even if I don't always agree with you.

[marlena]

The other thing worth mentioning is that what makes up a happy marriage to me or for you, doesn't necessarily make up what a happy marriage is all about to the next person.

 

Very true. One's man happiness is another man's misery and one man's misery is another man's happiness.

[keechie]

I might just be done with this entire thread. I thought I was helping people in some way.

 

 

You definitely helped me! In fact, this whole thread has been quite interesting to read.

[AlektraClementine]

Ok, I was going to put this under Getting Married but I thought I'd post it under dating since many dating situations DO turn into engagements.

 

Here's what this thread is about:

 

Not to sound like a know-it-all but I'm pretty darn good at determining if a relationship has long-term viability or not...and more importantly, whether it will be a happy union or not.

 

No, I don't have a crystal ball but with a little background and a few pointed questions I can predict with pretty good accuracy whether it will last or not.

 

So if you want to know, just post giving me a little background. I must at least know your ages, whether you've been married or in another long-term relationship before and how long you know each other. (The last bit isn't as important but it does help me in gauging things.) Also, any other important information you want to give out...are there kids involved? Also, mention any current concerns but also tell me what's good about your relationship.

 

From there, I may ask a few more questions before I determine that it's:

 

1. VIABLE

2. NOT VIABLE

3. TOO CLOSE TO CALL...could go either way.

 

So who is game?

 

Also, anyone can weigh in giving their opinions and/or disagreeing with my assessment or anyone else's.

 

I think this will be helpful and an eye-opener for many.

 

So who wants to go first?

 

Ok - I'll play:

 

I am 31. He is 35. I am divorced with 2 children (6 and 8). He is single, never married, but has been in another long term relationship. He met my children after 6 months of dating. He now spends about 1-2 evenings a week with us for dinner (no overnights when they are at home). My children do not know that he is "Boyfriend". They know him simply as a friend. They are with dad 3 nights a week and that is our date nights. We've been together for 14 months. We've met eachother's parents and we seem to bee moving in the serious direction. We have spoken of marriage. I made my feelings on the subject very clear and his are the same (we both want to). He is starting to do more "husbandly" things for me. i.e. came over 2 weeks ago and spent 3 afternoons re-screening my back porch and painting. I hadn't even asked or brought up needing it.

 

To be fair to the discussion, I will list one complaint. He is 35 and single and still likes to spend a fair amount of time "playing". On our nights off, he can most likely be found at a bar with his brother or various other friends, drinking and staying out until 2 or 3. He is involved in the entertainment industry and so this is his stomping ground. Ideally, I'd rather he be saving money and preparing for life as an adult and as a husband.

 

Ok go.

[Star Gazer]

So far we have done pretty good. I have been quite honest with the strengths and weaknesses of my marriage. While I am sure some here would say as Star Gazer said on another thread "your marriage is no role model to use" IRL I think many would say we have it quite good over all.

 

James, I apologize if what I said to you in that regard (in LB's thread, I believe) was insulting. I didn't mean it that way. I simply meant to convey that no one should use their own sort of "risen from the ashes" lovestory as grounds for reasoning that another relationship will ultimately thrive as well.

 

I say this agreeing with Touche's hypothesis on "C&C's" relationship. Most people would say that such a relationship isn't viable, and I don't think any of us would be out of line saying so. I guess what I meant to say is that I don't believe it is wise for someone in your shoes to suggest that another version of C&C push forward just because you somehow made it past unsurmountable odds.

 

Hopefully that makes sense. I've always admired your opinions and insight and ability to communicate it. However, I also believe you, in essence, "got lucky."

[Touche]

Very true. One's man happiness is another man's misery and one man's misery is another man's happiness.

 

Yes, Marlena. That was my point exactly.

 

You definitely helped me! In fact, this whole thread has been quite interesting to read.

 

Thank you very much Keech! I'm so glad I was able to help in some way.

 

 

Ok go.

 

Ok, go? What do I look like a trained seal?

[Touche]

Well... I myself have been with my boyfriend for about 10 months. This is the longest relationship either of us has been in, and I'm 20 and he is 21.

 

The time we have had together has been awesome. I love him with all my heart, but sometimes I think that his mom has more control over our realtionship then we do...

 

Ooops, I forgot to respond to this little gem.

 

Yeah, you're VIABLE. From now on, everyone is VIABLE, ok?

 

In a relationship for two months, two days, two minutes...doesn't matter. Everyone's is VIABLE. I don't really know anyway. Over half won't make it anyway so what the hell.

 

Peace.

[JamesM]

James, I apologize if what I said to you in that regard (in LB's thread, I believe) was insulting. I didn't mean it that way. I simply meant to convey that no one should use their own sort of "risen from the ashes" love story as grounds for reasoning that another relationship will ultimately thrive as well.

 

I guess I knew that. And you were right....my life is not someone else's.

 

I say this agreeing with Touche's hypothesis on "C&C's" relationship. Most people would say that such a relationship isn't viable, and I don't think any of us would be out of line saying so. I guess what I meant to say is that I don't believe it is wise for someone in your shoes to suggest that another version of C&C push forward just because you somehow made it past insurmountable odds.

 

Agreed. I said the same in response to Touche. I would to this day tell someone with that many red flags to think twice before continuing.

 

Hopefully that makes sense. I've always admired your opinions and insight and ability to communicate it. However, I also believe you, in essence, "got lucky."

 

Thank you. I KNOW I got lucky.

 

And I think based others comments, ours is a happy marriage by many standards. But it could be that I or her or both of us do have more patience.

 

It is hard to say.

 

Touche, you have given great guides to many people. It is certainly a good thing if each couple receives this kind of advice before they get married. It could be that more marriages would make it.

 

So far, most of your assessments have been in agreement with what I would have said. And as Star has said, most of us would have given similar responses after reading why you gave your assessment as you did for each.

 

Some may get "lucky" but by far most will not.

[Touche]

 

 

Thank you. I KNOW I got lucky.

 

And I think based others comments, ours is a happy marriage by many standards. But it could be that I or her or both of us do have more patience.

 

It is hard to say.

 

Touche, you have given great guides to many people. It is certainly a good thing if each couple receives this kind of advice before they get married. It could be that more marriages would make it.

 

So far, most of your assessments have been in agreement with what I would have said. And as Star has said, most of us would have given similar responses after reading why you gave your assessment as you did for each.

 

Some may get "lucky" but by far most will not.

 

Thank you so much, James. I appreciate what you say here.

 

And you know what? What you said about people just getting "lucky?" Well that's true in a way. I mean since you and I beat the odds, I guess people could jump to the conclusion that this is just about "luck." Yeah, we're lucky.

 

But as we both know this ain't all about luck, (and others happily married as long as we are also know) it's not. It's about WAYYYYY more than just dumb "luck."

 

Would you agree, James?

[Touche]

And don't think that just because you have the perfect person for you...I mean someone GOD himself could have handpicked for you...DO NOT think that you can't STILL eff it up. Because you can.

 

So some of you should watch it. Just watch yourselves. Don't get too cozy and comfy thinking you got lucky too.

[JamesM]

Thank you so much, James. I appreciate what you say here.

 

You're welcome. I meant every word.

 

 

But as we both know this ain't all about luck, (and others happily married as long as we are also know) it's not. It's about WAYYYYY more than just dumb "luck."

 

Would you agree, James?

 

Yes...100% true.

[Touche]

You're welcome. I meant every word.

 

 

 

 

Yes...100% true.

 

Thought you'd say that.

 

Sure it's lucky to find that person we want to spend our lives with...but making it work and making it last...ISN'T about luck at ALL. I hope some of you can really understand that.

 

Because I really believe that no one who isn't married for awhile can really, truly know that. Maybe intellectually they can...but that's different than knowing it completely and from first-hand experience.

[burningashes]

Ok. Hmmmm, I'm going to have to say TOO CLOSE TO CALL on this one, burning. I think you need more time together. I'm not getting the sense that you really know what you're both all about yet. Naturally I can be wrong but that's what my sense is telling me on this one.

 

You sure do have a lot of positives though. I think a little more tell will tell.

 

You two should also stop dancing around the fact that you love each other you know?

 

Haha, yeah, I know :/ I want to tell him so badly, lol. I planned on telling him last night but he was soooo pooped from work that he fell asleep on the couch watching a movie with me. It was cute though, I told him to just go to bed when I woke him up and he said he was fine.... then he fell asleep again right there, lol. Spending some more time is difficult though, with our crazy hours- we've come to an understanding about that and don't give each other a hard time about not seeing each other enough. We tell each other we miss each other and so on, in a positive way to make up for not seeing each other enough Thanks touche!

[Touche]

Don't plan it all out like that. Just say it when the moment is right and when it feels natural.

 

You're welcome, BA.

[Britney23]

Ok, Britney. I have to confess that with you I went back and looked at some of your other posts in other threads because I wasn't really getting a fix on things. I thought there was more to what you were telling me here. And I was right.

 

You two aren't a match.

 

You will never feel as secure as you need to feel with him. I question whether you will with anyone now though. You need to work on your insecurities a bit but he certainly doesn't help with the way he doesn't seem to put you first.

 

Keep seeing him if you want but don't move in with him. I don't see it working out. I think as time goes on, you're going to end up feeling more insecure. I just don't see that you're compatible. He's not considerate of your feelings.

 

So basically, he's too inconsiderate and insensitive and you're a little too sensitive and clingy. That's a bad match that probably won't end well I'm sorry to say.

 

Keep seeing him if you want to do that but I would be careful of getting too close.

 

I'm sorry Britney but I'm going to have to say NOT VIABLE on this one.

 

Thank you Touche for taking the time to read my other posts and giving me your opinion. I have to admit though, it makes me really upset to think that there is the possibility that your right. I almost feel like crying...

 

Its funny though, everyone that replied to my posts said that I am the one with the problems (which is probably true) and no-one said anything about him being insensitive and inconsiderate. You definitely have given me a lot to think about... I just want us to work so much. All my family and friends love him, and my family will mostly take his side when we have arguments.

 

In his defence, the issue that I discussed in the post about him not messaging me that much whilst in Japan I never even discussed with him so he had no idea how I felt. And he told me he wouldn't catch up with his ex because he knows that it would upset me.

 

So please let me know if that changes your opinion at all? I value your honesty. Thank you

[SoulSearch_CO]

Soul, yes. I'm saying VIABLE on this one. I particularly liked what you had to say on the communication (disagreement) front. That's an excellent indicator there.

 

Also, I saw your thread on marriage. If you two are happy how you are, and there are no kids involved (sorry but I'm old-fashioned that way) I say why bother? Not everyone has to get married. You can still have a good relationship. That's up to the two of you.

 

Good luck!

 

Thanks, Touche. I agree with you. And I actually don't mind disagreements with him at all. I'm still waiting for a "big fight" with him because I see it as something we can conquer and grow closer together. I never had that with my XH - I was sick of fighting with him all the time and getting no where. I feel like we make real progress and get to know each other more when we work through misunderstandings. I never saw misunderstandings/disagreements as productive before this relationship.

[Touche]

Thank you Touche for taking the time to read my other posts and giving me your opinion. I have to admit though, it makes me really upset to think that there is the possibility that your right. I almost feel like crying...

 

See, this sucks! I don't want to make you feel like crying.

 

Its funny though, everyone that replied to my posts said that I am the one with the problems (which is probably true) and no-one said anything about him being insensitive and inconsiderate. You definitely have given me a lot to think about... I just want us to work so much. All my family and friends love him, and my family will mostly take his side when we have arguments.

 

In his defence, the issue that I discussed in the post about him not messaging me that much whilst in Japan I never even discussed with him so he had no idea how I felt. And he told me he wouldn't catch up with his ex because he knows that it would upset me.

 

So please let me know if that changes your opinion at all? I value your honesty. Thank you

 

I'm sorry but it doesn't really change anything Britney. The bottom line is that he doesn't make you feel like you're a priority. I think he does contribute to the insecurities you already have, and that's not good. It doesn't make you a good match.

 

Maybe you can talk to him in a non-confrontational way and explain all this to him but people don't usually change. But you have nothing to lose by trying. Just don't put him on the defensive. Tell him how YOU feel when he does what he does that upsets you. So use "I" when talking to him...not "you don't do x or you don't do Y..or why don't you, etc." See what I mean?

 

Good luck!

[Touche]

Thanks, Touche. I agree with you. And I actually don't mind disagreements with him at all. I'm still waiting for a "big fight" with him because I see it as something we can conquer and grow closer together. I never had that with my XH - I was sick of fighting with him all the time and getting no where. I feel like we make real progress and get to know each other more when we work through misunderstandings. I never saw misunderstandings/disagreements as productive before this relationship.

 

You're welcome.

 

Yep, they are. And if they're not then that should be a red flag in any relationship.

 

Sounds very promising.

[Britney23]

I'm sorry but it doesn't really change anything Britney. The bottom line is that he doesn't make you feel like you're a priority. I think he does contribute to the insecurities you already have, and that's not good. It doesn't make you a good match.

 

Maybe you can talk to him in a non-confrontational way and explain all this to him but people don't usually change. But you have nothing to lose by trying. Just don't put him on the defensive. Tell him how YOU feel when he does what he does that upsets you. So use "I" when talking to him...not "you don't do x or you don't do Y..or why don't you, etc." See what I mean?

 

Good luck!

 

Thank you. I know what you mean, I talked to him about it and actually ended up telling him about these posts because it was really getting to me...

 

You tell me that people don't change but you also say that people that are young are not the same people as they are 10 years down the road. So there is a good chance that we will both change. I think I am a priority to him, and he is only 23 so I just have to understand that his friends are important to him too. I get to see my friends and make plans to do whatever I want, whenever I want (which is probably more than him) and he never gets upset with me.

 

I think our main problem is the fact that this is my first serious relationship, so this is all a learning experience for me. I often expect him to read my mind and get upset with him when he doesn't.

 

I apologize if your sick of me writing to you... But thanks for giving me something to think about!

[Touche]

Britney you don't have to apologize for posting about this. I'm not sick of you. At least you're polite.

 

Yes, of course we change from our 20's to our 30's but I meant that fundamentally in some key ways we don't, in my opinion. For example, if we're affectionate then we usually always will be. If we're not then I don't think we'll ever become an affectionate person.

 

Can we go from selfish to a bit less selfish, I think so. So perhaps you're right.

 

So exactly what WAS his reaction to all of this. You said you told him about these posts. What did he say?