Is Your Relationship Viable For the Long-Term or Will it be Short-Lived?

[Sunshine11]

I'd love your opinion!

 

I'm 27, he's 32. We've been together a little over two years. We are both in medical school. I think he's wonderful, we both see ourselves being together for the long haul.

 

I've been in a number of relationships, none of them lasted more than a year previously. And I am his first relationship. I love his family, my family likes him. I think his friends are great, and my friends really like him.

 

*However* we want to do our professional training and end up living in two different places. (Same side of the country, different states.)

 

What more info can I give you?

[Touche]

I'd love your opinion!

 

I'm 27, he's 32. We've been together a little over two years. We are both in medical school. I think he's wonderful, we both see ourselves being together for the long haul.

 

I've been in a number of relationships, none of them lasted more than a year previously. And I am his first relationship. I love his family, my family likes him. I think his friends are great, and my friends really like him.

 

*However* we want to do our professional training and end up living in two different places. (Same side of the country, different states.)

 

What more info can I give you?

 

Hi Sunshine. Well, hmmm. I have two big red flags here. One, the fact that he's 32 and you're his first relationship. That really concerns me.

 

And two, the fact that this is going to become a LDR. That actually worries me more.

 

But there are also some great positives in that you both love each others' family, like each others' friends and that you've been together now for two years and get along great.

 

But I'll weigh in after you answer these questions:

 

1. For how long will it remain a long distance relationship?

 

2. Do you live together now?

 

3. Are you on the same page regarding kids vis a vis raising them, when/if you're having any and how many, etc?

 

4. What about money? Are you on the same page there?

[Touche]

lol, read through this whole thread.. think i have a headache..

 

my situation..

 

im 25 the bf is 27, exclusive 4months now.. we've both have had LTRs in the past, although he's been married once while in the military (he was 21 at the time) i have never been married. my longest relationship lasted a year and a half.

 

he told me his ex wife seperated from him due to the distance while in IRAQ, eventually divorced him. he has 2 daughters from 2 different women. he supports both financially, he only gets to see the youngest daughter every other weekend, the oldest one lives in california but the mother refuses to let my bf see him, yet if hes ever a day late in sending her money for their daughter, the s--- hits the fan.

 

i have a 7yo son from a previous relationship(the father is deceased)

 

he is great with my kid, which is a plus to me.. i have yet to meet his youngest daughter.

 

although we only live 20mins away from eachother our schedules are hectic, we're lucky to see eachother twice a week.

 

the good: communication is great, there is no passive aggressive tendencies, we have yet to have our first argument, there are disageements but no shouting matches, we always come to a compromise.

 

we have tons in common, from music,movies, sports, hobbies, we connect with eachother in alot of ways. we are sexually compatible, best sex ive ever had by far. he pampers me, treats me like gold.

 

my concern, he is a musician- there are times where he has to do a show or he gets lost in his music, if he could stay in the recording studio all day he would i think.. unless im there to snap him back into reality.

 

sometimes it does get in the way, he is very close to being signed to a major label and i sometimes wonder if this will only get worse.

 

ill give him some credit he does try to make time for me when he can, we talk daily, we're very serious about eachother and plan to move in together this summer.

 

my other concern is his youngest daughters mother. when i met him he was fresh out of the relationship with her so he was still a little scarred by the whole situation and would talk bad about his ex often (she cheated and took advantage of him financially)

 

shes in her 40s and sometimes likes to stir the pot when it comes to money and visitation, so much for age equals maturity.. perfect example of this, my bf was due to have his daughter last weekend they discussed this beforehand and she dropped her off for a whopping 5 minutes!

 

he was due to have her for the whole weekend, she changed her mind about having her there because the bfs roommate had his kids there and she didnt want her around them.

 

she basically has my bf by the balls when it comes to money and visitation, she wants to keep this out of the courts but i think he is better off getting them involved so she cant determine when hes allowed to see their child.

 

i havent met this woman yet but i feel like there could be an issue in the future, she constantly calls for other reasons that dont relate to their daughter, she asks intrusive questions about me, but he tries to keep the focus on their daughter when she does this.

 

aside from those two issues i have no other complaints.

 

The only thing I have to say in this situation is that you'll have all the answers you need after 3 months of living together. You say you're moving in this summer right?

 

I see quite a few red flags here but since you're already determined to move in together then I won't say too much other than what I already said...you'll have all the answers you need after 3 months of living together.

 

Report back if you want ok? I'm not going to call this one just yet.

[Touche]

Hi all! I'm a newb here, I wanted this post to be my first one. *waves to all*

 

This game looks fun--more so because my relationship at first glance convinces EVERYBODY that my bf and I would never make it, lol. I'm so used to people telling me it won't work--I'm curious to see the responses here.

 

First, I'm 20. He's 30. We met online on a personality forum. We carried a long distance relationship (romantically) for about 8 months before I moved in with him. He's white. I'm black. He comes from a well-to-do family--my family is middle-class on one side and living on welfare on the other. Our 2-yr anniversary will be in October, although we've only been an "offline couple" for about 9 months.

 

I'm his first "serious" girlfriend. Prior to our relationship, my bf was only involved in superficial sexual flings with various girls. A former commitment-phobe, he's now thinking about marriage and settling down. He's a data-architect ("computer nerd") and VERY successful for someone his age. No kids. No ex-wife. Etc.

 

My first serious boyfriend (if you can call it serious) was in high school when I was 16. I didn't have any adult relationship experience until my current boyfriend. Haha, no kids--ex-husband, etc for me either. I'm a college student majoring in psychology. I work part-time to pay for my tuition, insurance, bills, etc. He's NOT my sugar daddy, lol. I'm about to take on a second job, actually.

 

Current problems come from outside influences. Mainly his mother. She's an anathesiologist (probably didn't spell that right) with three adult sons. She has a problem with me because I'm 1. black 2. "too young" 3. not good enough for her oldest son.

 

She has made my life a living hell. When we first met, she refused to acknowledge me and introduced me as my bf's "friend" to other people. She actually called up my bf while he was at work to demand my voice be taken off our home phone answering machine--she's makes a huge scene whenever my bf and I are going to visit my family. She called up my bf in hysterics, sobbing that he couldn't possibly be leaving to spend christmas with my family last year. She called him while he was AT THE AIRPORT and begged him not to go--even offering him a plane ticket back home. She even gave him the SILENT TREATMENT for MONTHS once my bf told her that he wasn't going to date anyone else but me.

 

I absolutely cannot stand his mother--and his mother cannot stand me. The longer we stay a couple, the more it dawns on her that she's going to have to deal with chocolate grandbabies, lol. And THAT really upsets her.

 

My family is completely cool with my bf. Just last month we celebrated my step-dad's surprise birthday party with all my relatives. My entire family was there and everybody made my bf feel welcome and loved.

 

It seems that his mother is coming around, but my bf sticks up for me and he vowed that he would not visit her until she got her act together and promised to treat me right. We're a strong couple, very much in love, and if we're together in another year, I'm sure we'll be married. We've talked about it a couple of times. I told him that he couldn't ask me to marry him until at least it was legal for me to drink alcohol at my own wedding! So sometime when I'm 21 I expect a proposal. We joke about it all the time--he'll pretend to be proposing just to tease me because he knows how serious I am about waiting until I'm 21.

 

We have so many differences in our relationships, it has made us stronger as a couple--and as individuals. We both had to grow up in different ways.

 

Ok, well welcome to LS.

 

But first, what's a "personality forum?"

 

Also, I was confused a bit on how long you knew each other before you moved in together. Also, how long have you been living together?

[trubella]

The only thing I have to say in this situation is that you'll have all the answers you need after 3 months of living together. You say you're moving in this summer right?

 

I see quite a few red flags here but since you're already determined to move in together then I won't say too much other than what I already said...you'll have all the answers you need after 3 months of living together.

 

Report back if you want ok? I'm not going to call this one just yet.

 

what red flags do you see aside from the two complaints ive listed? you can congratulate TBF for getting engaged after 7 weeks but emphasize the bf and i's 3months of dating repeatedly when we're not moving in together until later this summer. this isnt about being 'determined' but thanks anyway.

[Touche]

what red flags do you see aside from the two complaints ive listed? you can congratulate TBF for getting engaged after 7 weeks but emphasize the bf and i's 3months of dating repeatedly when we're not moving in together until later this summer. this isnt about being 'determined' but thanks anyway.

 

Wow, why the defensive attitude? What does TBF's situation have to do with yours? Each situation is different.

 

As for saying you're "determined" to move in together, I just meant that you've made up your mind. I don't understand why you had an issue with me saying that.

 

Ok, red flags:

 

1. You've never met his youngest child yet you're talking about moving in together. Sounds off to me.

 

2. You only see each other twice a week but live just minutes away from each other. If this bothers you now, it will just be worse once you move in. He's obviously a workaholic and it takes you to snap him out of it, as you say. He will come to resent that and you will come to resent having to be the one to make him spend more time with you.

 

3. I see major "baby mama" drama here. Been there, done that myself and it's not easy. It can really take its toll on a relationship.

 

4. The fact that he doesn't stand up to her is another red flag for me, deserving of its own category.

 

5. Your attitude. You said I kept emphasizing the fact that you've only dated for 3 months. No I didn't. I never even mentioned it. I said you'd have all your answers after THREE months of LIVING TOGETHER. Also, your comparing your situation to TBF's is strange. Two TOTALLY different situations.

 

You're still in your 20's. Different stage in life, different maturity level, IMO. You have a child, he has children. That alone greatly complicates things. That was not the cases in TBF's case.

 

Also, you stated you haven't even had your first argument. That would be my 6th red flag there. It tells me that you may not have really talked about/explored all the issues you need to and/or that you haven't really connected in a serious and deep way yet. Because let's face it, NO TWO PEOPLE ON EARTH get along ALL the time. Yes, I know you've had disagreements but the fact that you've never argued about anything does concern me. I wouldn't move in with someone until I knew how we handled an argument.

 

Red flag number 7: He's 27 and has had two kids by two different women. Makes me wonder about his judgement.

 

So there you go. You had two areas of concern and I had 7.

 

Oh and, you're welcome. Good luck!

[trubella]

5. Your attitude. You said I kept emphasizing the fact that you've only dated for 3 months. No I didn't. I never even mentioned it. I said you'd have all your answers after THREE months of LIVING TOGETHER. Also, your comparing your situation to TBF's is strange. Two TOTALLY different situations.

lol, um im not being defensive..just asking a question.

 

i was actually pointing out the hypocrisy of your post when i compared tbfs situation with mine in regards to the short amount of time we've been dating, that was the only comparing i did.. i dont see how you can be happy and congratulate someone for getting engaged after 7 weeks but look down on another couple for deciding to move in together after 3 months of dating.

 

we're not moving in together until late this summer obviously at some point before then i will meet the kid. i wouldnt move in with him if i never got the oppurtunity to meet her.

 

as for his judgement, i dont hold this against him as ive made a few bad calls in life. what you see as a red flag isnt for me.. so i guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

there are couples who dont argue or have shouting matches. they do exist.

 

as for our schedules alot of that has to do with his current work schedule outside of music, thats changing to nights soon and we'll be able to see eachother more often. but for now we're busy.. it happens.

 

i know you have this bias against couples in their 20s so i really shouldnt have posted to begin with..lol thanks for the input anyway.

[allina]

i know you have this bias against couples in their 20s so i really shouldnt have posted to begin with..lol thanks for the input anyway.

 

I'm a part of a 20s couple, and while Touche mentioned that in her opinion age can be an issue she was very supportive.

 

As your peer and someone who also decided to move in with her bf after only a few months of dating I still see many red flags here.

 

I was also curious about your bf's "career." You say he's a musician that sometimes does shows. Is this some sort of solid employment or is he just trying to make it as an artist?

 

Also, something Touche didn't mention; IMO a man you've only known for 4 months should NOT be meeting your child. This is a huge issue I have with single moms, bringing strange men in and out of their kids life. It's wrong.

[Catherine2005]

I am 51, he is 31. We have been together for four years, living together nearly since the beginning. We met at work and we still work together. I was married for 12 yrs and have been divorced longer. He has never been married. He has had four long term relationships lasting at least 1 yr to 4 yrs before being with me. Also, I have two grown children and cannot have more. He does not want children.

 

I am considering ending this relationship out of shear boredom. My man is kind considerate and thoughtful. And thats it for the good stuff. He does not care about sex at all. Its the worst sex I've ever had and just keeps getting worse. I feel less comfortable with him now than I did in the beginning. And I was not all that free. He never wants to go out. He will go out with his friends when he goes home to visit. He will go out with coworkers when he is out of town. He never goes out with me. Not even dinner.

 

When I complain he accuses me of being jealous because he goes out with others but not me. And I'd have to agree. I do feel jealous and I think its justified. He says he can't stand having people need him. I'm not sure who he's talking about here, because I am one low maintenance girlfriend.

 

Please tell me how I can get out of this. I will answere any questions you have.

[Touche]

I'm a part of a 20s couple, and while Touche mentioned that in her opinion age can be an issue she was very supportive.

 

As your peer and someone who also decided to move in with her bf after only a few months of dating I still see many red flags here.

 

I was also curious about your bf's "career." You say he's a musician that sometimes does shows. Is this some sort of solid employment or is he just trying to make it as an artist?

 

Also, something Touche didn't mention; IMO a man you've only known for 4 months should NOT be meeting your child. This is a huge issue I have with single moms, bringing strange men in and out of their kids life. It's wrong.

 

Thanks, Allina.

 

Plus I went back and read some of her threads and just a few months ago she was talking marriage with some other guy.

 

I do wish you the best trubella. And you got it wrong though..I don't have a bias against couples in their 20's at all. I just don't think they're always ready for a long-term relationship. In Allina's case, I thought she and her b/f (fiance?) ARE.

 

Anyway, good luck to you.

[Touche]

I am 51, he is 31. We have been together for four years, living together nearly since the beginning. We met at work and we still work together. I was married for 12 yrs and have been divorced longer. He has never been married. He has had four long term relationships lasting at least 1 yr to 4 yrs before being with me. Also, I have two grown children and cannot have more. He does not want children.

 

I am considering ending this relationship out of shear boredom. My man is kind considerate and thoughtful. And thats it for the good stuff. He does not care about sex at all. Its the worst sex I've ever had and just keeps getting worse. I feel less comfortable with him now than I did in the beginning. And I was not all that free. He never wants to go out. He will go out with his friends when he goes home to visit. He will go out with coworkers when he is out of town. He never goes out with me. Not even dinner.

 

When I complain he accuses me of being jealous because he goes out with others but not me. And I'd have to agree. I do feel jealous and I think its justified. He says he can't stand having people need him. I'm not sure who he's talking about here, because I am one low maintenance girlfriend.

 

Please tell me how I can get out of this. I will answere any questions you have.

 

Catherine, you're a grown woman who has been around the block, why do you need anyone to tell you how to get out of this? You're obviously not compatible and you're a free agent - free to move out when you find a place.

 

Just take it one step at a time. Line up another place first and then talk to him and move out. Simple, really. I'd make it all about you and not him. That way the transition might be less contentious and uncomfortable.

 

Good luck!

[trubella]

I'm a part of a 20s couple, and while Touche mentioned that in her opinion age can be an issue she was very supportive.

 

As your peer and someone who also decided to move in with her bf after only a few months of dating I still see many red flags here.

 

I was also curious about your bf's "career." You say he's a musician that sometimes does shows. Is this some sort of solid employment or is he just trying to make it as an artist?

 

Also, something Touche didn't mention; IMO a man you've only known for 4 months should NOT be meeting your child. This is a huge issue I have with single moms, bringing strange men in and out of their kids life. It's wrong.

 

if you looked at my last post you could see i said he has work outside of music, comp analyst, so yes he has a "career" outside of his music. as for your opinion of single moms and dating, that is your opinion, im a grown woman, what i should and should not do is solely based on what i decide at the end of the day.. i dont take introductions to my son lightly, i wouldntve allowed him to meet my son if i didnt feel comfortable.

 

there is no revolving door here so dont put me in the same category as others.

[Touche]

lol, um im not being defensive..just asking a question.

 

i was actually pointing out the hypocrisy of your post when i compared tbfs situation with mine in regards to the short amount of time we've been dating, that was the only comparing i did.. i dont see how you can be happy and congratulate someone for getting engaged after 7 weeks but look down on another couple for deciding to move in together after 3 months of dating.

 

Ooops, I didn't respond to all of this before. Where's the "hypocrisy?" I'm not seeing it. As I said, different situations between yours and hers. You were just talking about moving in with some other guy a couple of months ago, weren't you? Or did I misunderstand? On and to clarify I don't "look down" on anyone. I was asked my opinion and I gave it. I'm sorry you didn't like my answer.

 

we're not moving in together until late this summer obviously at some point before then i will meet the kid. i wouldnt move in with him if i never got the oppurtunity to meet her.

 

Ok, great.

 

as for his judgement, i dont hold this against him as ive made a few bad calls in life. what you see as a red flag isnt for me.. so i guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

 

Yep, I guess we'll have to then. I'm glad you're confident that it will work out and I do wish you the best.

 

there are couples who dont argue or have shouting matches. they do exist.

 

No one said anything about "shouting matches." We were talking about arguing. Nope, they DON'T exist. All couples argue at some point. If they don't then they're not very close in my opinion. Or maybe one or the other is a wimp who doesn't ever stand up for themselves.

 

as for our schedules alot of that has to do with his current work schedule outside of music, thats changing to nights soon and we'll be able to see eachother more often. but for now we're busy.. it happens.

 

i know you have this bias against couples in their 20s so i really shouldnt have posted to begin with..lol thanks for the input anyway.

 

Again, good luck to you.

[trubella]

Again, good luck to you.

 

i said arguing or shouting matches. lol.. i wasnt just talking about shouting matches but i guess you overlooked that part of my post..

 

and not all couples argue, but that is your opinion so i will leave it at that.

 

i dont know how you can say your not biased against 20 something couples but at the same time go into thinking that most of those relationships fail.

 

ps. not sure what your point was of bring up my past relationship as this has nothing to do with my current. but again thanks for input.

[Touche]

i said arguing or shouting matches. lol.. i wasnt just talking about shouting matches but i guess you overlooked that part of my post..

 

No, I saw it. My answer still stands.

 

and not all couples argue, but that is your opinion so i will leave it at that.

 

As I said, I think all DO unless one is a real wimp who lets the other just walk all over them.

 

i dont know how you can say your not biased against 20 something couples but at the same time go into thinking that most of those relationships fail.

 

I'm not. It's just fact. Most DO fail as far as I know. Why are you even questioning this? In your OWN experience they've all failed, no? So there you go.

 

ps. not sure what your point was of bring up my past relationship as this has nothing to do with my current. but again thanks for input.

 

It has everything to do with your current relationship. If you don't see it, then you don't.

 

Look, it's clear you don't like what I have to say. I get that. You don't agree with me. I get that too. So be it. I wish you luck but nope, I don't think your relationship is VIABLE.

 

So I'll just call it right now...NOT VIABLE.

 

Thanks for stopping by.

[trubella]

It has everything to do with your current relationship. If you don't see it, then you don't.

 

Look, it's clear you don't like what I have to say. I get that. You don't agree with me. I get that too. So be it. I wish you luck but nope, I don't think your relationship is VIABLE.

 

So I'll just call it right now...NOT VIABLE.

 

Thanks for stopping by.

 

 

actually no, for me personally ive only had 2 serious relationships in my 20s. my last ex and this current one so i wouldnt base my experience on what 20 somethings are capable of long term wise in relationships.

 

and i would never venture to say that most fail the way you do.. but that is just something else we will have to agree to disagree on..

 

at this point in our exchange of posts, your opinion on whats viable and isnt viable doesnt make a difference to me. so again i will just say thanks for the input =)

[Touche]

actually no, for me personally ive only had 2 serious relationships in my 20s. my last ex and this current one so i wouldnt base my experience on what 20 somethings are capable of long term wise in relationships.

 

Huh? You're basing that on the fact that you have a 4 month relationship and one that was what...a year and a half or something? I'm sorry but those are NOT long-term relationships in my book. I guess our definition of what's viable in the LONG-TERM is different.

 

and i would never venture to say that most fail the way you do.. but that is just something else we will have to agree to disagree on..

 

I get that you wouldn't..even though you've never had a LONG TERM successful relationship yourself in your 20's. Ok. You're entitled to your opinion though. But I would bet that if we went by actual FACT and statistics, I'd be proven right.

 

at this point in our exchange of posts, your opinion on whats viable and isnt viable doesnt make a difference to me. so again i will just say thanks for the input =)

 

I know it doesen't make a difference. Not sure that it should. The aim of my thread was just to make people examine their relationships and be aware of the red flags before getting really hurt and getting in too deeply.

 

Some people choose to bury their head in the sand though. I get that.

 

Oh and you're welcome.

[allina]

if you looked at my last post you could see i said he has work outside of music, comp analyst, so yes he has a "career" outside of his music. as for your opinion of single moms and dating, that is your opinion, im a grown woman, what i should and should not do is solely based on what i decide at the end of the day.. i dont take introductions to my son lightly, i wouldntve allowed him to meet my son if i didnt feel comfortable.

 

there is no revolving door here so dont put me in the same category as others.

 

Sorry, I must have missed that part. I'm glad he has a real career, especially since he's paying child support to two different women.

 

And of course you're a grown woman and you can do what you want. What I was saying is that as a MOTHER maybe you shouldn't do whatever you want. You can "lol" and get mad at the feedback you get, and obviously these are just opinions, as you pointed out. But the truth is, this is the SECOND man your son has seen you involved with within one year. And as a mother I think you should be help to a higher standard. Get defensive all you want. But you're a single mom who has already introduced two other men in to her son's life, one of which also has 2 kids, by 2 different women, kids he's not really a father to. Sorry but this isn't a situation I'm going to applaud.

[Sunshine11]

hi sunshine. Well, hmmm. I have two big red flags here. One, the fact that he's 32 and you're his first relationship. That really concerns me.

 

And two, the fact that this is going to become a ldr. That actually worries me more.

 

But there are also some great positives in that you both love each others' family, like each others' friends and that you've been together now for two years and get along great.

 

But i'll weigh in after you answer these questions:

 

1. For how long will it remain a long distance relationship?

 

 

2. Do you live together now?

 

 

3. Are you on the same page regarding kids vis a vis raising them, when/if you're having any and how many, etc?

 

4. What about money? Are you on the same page there?

 

We won't do an ldr. We'll either agree to compromise or pursue our ideal career goals.

 

We don't live together.

 

Since we haven't decided yet if we want to compromise to be together (we'll have more information about our careers and ourselves to be able to make that decision about a year from now) we haven't conversed in detail about our children. But we'd like to have them, about two or three.

 

we should be okay in the money department. Most likely he'll work full time, and have a higher salary, and i'll work full-time or 'part-time' (pt would end up close to 40 hours a week anyway). I'd probably manage the finances. (i'm pretty sure he wouldn't have a problem with that, and would likely support the idea.)

 

thanks so much for your thoughts!

[treyfan88]

Ok, well welcome to LS.

 

But first, what's a "personality forum?"

 

Also, I was confused a bit on how long you knew each other before you moved in together. Also, how long have you been living together?

 

Thanks for responding, and thanks for the welcome!

 

By personality forum, I don't mean facebook or myspace, lol. It's a psychology theory forum (MBTI/Socionics/Enneagram).

 

We knew each other for almost 2yrs online before we moved in together. We've been living together for about 9 months, although we've officially been a couple for over a year and a half. (Obviously most of our relationship has been online)

 

Our relationship was strictly platonic with the first year of back and forth correspondence on the forum. My age definitely kept him from "making a move" and I was too young and naive to really notice him as anything other than an online buddy/advisor. He was actually chasing some other woman at the time that we first met. He told me yesterday actually, that he went to THIS forum over a year ago talking about her! (He won't tell me his screen name, though!)

 

Anyways...we moved from forum to chatting, from chatting to IMing, from IMing to skyping, and from skyping to actually meeting each other in real life and moving in together. It sort of "progressed" to where we are today.

 

Note: "Skyping" refers to Skype-- it is an internet telecommunication company. An internet phone service.

 

Do you need any more information? I realize my story isn't as..."telling" as some of the others.

 

Thanks a bunch!

[Touche]

I'd love your opinion!

 

I'm 27, he's 32. We've been together a little over two years. We are both in medical school. I think he's wonderful, we both see ourselves being together for the long haul.

 

I've been in a number of relationships, none of them lasted more than a year previously. And I am his first relationship. I love his family, my family likes him. I think his friends are great, and my friends really like him.

 

*However* we want to do our professional training and end up living in two different places. (Same side of the country, different states.)

 

What more info can I give you?

 

Ok, I'm confused Sunshine. You said you'd end up living in two different places but then later you say you won't do an LDR. Which is it because I can't call this one yet until I'm clear on this particular issue.

 

Also, why are you his first relationship? I mean he's 32, so that's a little unusual.

 

Anyway, if you can clear some of this up, I'll weigh in.

 

You're welcome!

[Touche]

Hi all! I'm a newb here, I wanted this post to be my first one. *waves to all*

 

This game looks fun--more so because my relationship at first glance convinces EVERYBODY that my bf and I would never make it, lol. I'm so used to people telling me it won't work--I'm curious to see the responses here.

 

First, I'm 20. He's 30. We met online on a personality forum. We carried a long distance relationship (romantically) for about 8 months before I moved in with him. He's white. I'm black. He comes from a well-to-do family--my family is middle-class on one side and living on welfare on the other. Our 2-yr anniversary will be in October, although we've only been an "offline couple" for about 9 months.

 

I'm his first "serious" girlfriend. Prior to our relationship, my bf was only involved in superficial sexual flings with various girls. A former commitment-phobe, he's now thinking about marriage and settling down. He's a data-architect ("computer nerd") and VERY successful for someone his age. No kids. No ex-wife. Etc.

 

My first serious boyfriend (if you can call it serious) was in high school when I was 16. I didn't have any adult relationship experience until my current boyfriend. Haha, no kids--ex-husband, etc for me either. I'm a college student majoring in psychology. I work part-time to pay for my tuition, insurance, bills, etc. He's NOT my sugar daddy, lol. I'm about to take on a second job, actually.

 

Current problems come from outside influences. Mainly his mother. She's an anathesiologist (probably didn't spell that right) with three adult sons. She has a problem with me because I'm 1. black 2. "too young" 3. not good enough for her oldest son.

 

She has made my life a living hell. When we first met, she refused to acknowledge me and introduced me as my bf's "friend" to other people. She actually called up my bf while he was at work to demand my voice be taken off our home phone answering machine--she's makes a huge scene whenever my bf and I are going to visit my family. She called up my bf in hysterics, sobbing that he couldn't possibly be leaving to spend christmas with my family last year. She called him while he was AT THE AIRPORT and begged him not to go--even offering him a plane ticket back home. She even gave him the SILENT TREATMENT for MONTHS once my bf told her that he wasn't going to date anyone else but me.

 

I absolutely cannot stand his mother--and his mother cannot stand me. The longer we stay a couple, the more it dawns on her that she's going to have to deal with chocolate grandbabies, lol. And THAT really upsets her.

 

My family is completely cool with my bf. Just last month we celebrated my step-dad's surprise birthday party with all my relatives. My entire family was there and everybody made my bf feel welcome and loved.

 

It seems that his mother is coming around, but my bf sticks up for me and he vowed that he would not visit her until she got her act together and promised to treat me right. We're a strong couple, very much in love, and if we're together in another year, I'm sure we'll be married. We've talked about it a couple of times. I told him that he couldn't ask me to marry him until at least it was legal for me to drink alcohol at my own wedding! So sometime when I'm 21 I expect a proposal. We joke about it all the time--he'll pretend to be proposing just to tease me because he knows how serious I am about waiting until I'm 21.

 

We have so many differences in our relationships, it has made us stronger as a couple--and as individuals. We both had to grow up in different ways.

 

Thanks for responding, and thanks for the welcome!

 

By personality forum, I don't mean facebook or myspace, lol. It's a psychology theory forum (MBTI/Socionics/Enneagram).

 

We knew each other for almost 2yrs online before we moved in together. We've been living together for about 9 months, although we've officially been a couple for over a year and a half. (Obviously most of our relationship has been online)

 

Our relationship was strictly platonic with the first year of back and forth correspondence on the forum. My age definitely kept him from "making a move" and I was too young and naive to really notice him as anything other than an online buddy/advisor. He was actually chasing some other woman at the time that we first met. He told me yesterday actually, that he went to THIS forum over a year ago talking about her! (He won't tell me his screen name, though!)

 

Anyways...we moved from forum to chatting, from chatting to IMing, from IMing to skyping, and from skyping to actually meeting each other in real life and moving in together. It sort of "progressed" to where we are today.

 

Note: "Skyping" refers to Skype-- it is an internet telecommunication company. An internet phone service.

 

Do you need any more information? I realize my story isn't as..."telling" as some of the others.

 

Thanks a bunch!

 

This is actually a toughie for me. I will say that I admire him for acting like a man and not letting his mother bully him. That says a lot about him. He does seem to put you first and that's a very good sign.

 

I won't say it's not viable like your friends say because I see lots going for you both. But yeah, some things concern me.

 

You're one of those where I'm just going to have to say TOO CLOSE TO CALL for now. Give it more time living together. How's the living together situation working out? Tell me the good and the bad and maybe I can weigh in one way or the other. And tell me how it is when/if you argue. How are things resolved? How are chores divided..stuff like that.

 

Oh and you're welcome too.

[treyfan88]

This is actually a toughie for me. I will say that I admire him for acting like a man and not letting his mother bully him. That says a lot about him. He does seem to put you first and that's a very good sign.

 

I won't say it's not viable like your friends say because I see lots going for you both. But yeah, some things concern me.

 

You're one of those where I'm just going to have to say TOO CLOSE TO CALL for now. Give it more time living together. How's the living together situation working out? Tell me the good and the bad and maybe I can weigh in one way or the other. And tell me how it is when/if you argue. How are things resolved? How are chores divided..stuff like that.

 

Oh and you're welcome too.

 

No problem. And to be fair, it was in the beginning that a lot of my friends/family said that my bf and I weren't going to make it. Interracial long-distance significant age difference internet couple...but we're still together, lol. Currently, everyone's joking about a marriage proposal. I'm interested in the things that concern you--but first, let me answer your questions.

 

THE GOOD:

It's going to sound really cliche but my bf and I are soul mates. We complement each other nicely and we both accept each other as individuals. We're both equals in our relationship, and our strengths and weaknesses are balanced out. I'm high strung, decisive, stubborn and adventurous--he's laid-back, calm, reserved and mature.

 

We've always been able to get along well--there's that certain spark you get with some people where it's just EASY to get along with them. Conversations are always fluid. We like spending time together because it has always been fun. We like a lot of the same things and think similarly on a variety of subjects. Our relationship is great because we started out as best friends. We've seen each other without the rose-colored glasses--flaws and all--every embarrassing moment and mistake we've seen together. But the good moments are there too, so it's not all bad, lol.

 

In short, we make each other happy. We're settled into each other all snug-like and cozy.

 

THE BAD:

Of course no relationship is perfect. And there are areas in EVERY relationship that could use improving.

 

But for me and my boyfriend we have just one issue.

 

The Lukewarm Sex.

There are things to consider before I delve into this in more detail. First, I come from an abusive/dysfunctional family, therefore sex in general has ALWAYS been an issue for me. Most of our sexual problems have to do with ME more than anything else. I am seeing a counselor and slowly but surely working on my issues. I think I'm over most of it. My boyfriend is very sensitive and aware of this, so we've taken our sexual relationship very slowly. But now after almost a year I want to step things up a bit.

 

---I want to explore the depths of my newfound sexuality and try things I've never done before, but my boyfriend is dragging his feet. He's already done the things I want to try (being older, I guess) so he's not as excited about it as I am to try "new things." He tells me he wants to do these things, but we never end up doing any of them.

---In general, our sexual relationship is lukewarm, at best. I am attracted to him, and he's attracted to me, but I miss his signals and he misses mine. We'll go weeks at a time without having sex. And when we do have sex, we both stress out over it. He wants to do a good job, and I want to give him the satisfaction of my climax. It has happened a few times but not with him inside of me. I know I can finish vaginally, because I've done it by myself before with toys. He turns me on--I just get frightened sometimes during sex (this goes back to my issues!)

---He gets tired easily during sex. He's a very thin person and he has health problems. I try and try to get him to go to a gym but he never does. I have some resentment about him not taking care of himself as well as he should. I try to be as healthy as possible--I'm a vegetarian, I'm getting counseling, I obsess about my fitness etc. and he doesn't do anything at all. I'm attractive--I'll admit. I get asked out at least once a week--I just wish my bf did SOMETHING else to that effect. He's very sensitive about his body image because he's so frail and thin--so I try not to say much--but it irks me sometimes that despite whatever insecurities he has about his body that he doesn't DO anything to solve them! I don't know how to get him into a gym without nagging.

 

All in all, we both aren't very satisfied with our sex life. It's definitely a problem. At this point, I don't know what else to do to fix it. Some of it is my fault--psychological issues revolving around sex--and some of it is him. We've never had a good sex life--it's something we've struggled with from the get-go. Sometimes I just don't want to have sex at all because it's just going to stress me out. I know sex should be fun, and sometimes it is, but most of the time, I just feel stressed and anxious and it becomes a bit of a chore.

 

Now that I write all this out, maybe I should tell my counselor.

 

EDIT:

Chores are done haphazardly around the apartment, lol. We don't have any specific assignments--we just do things when we feel they need to be done.

[Sunshine11]

Ok, I'm confused Sunshine. You said you'd end up living in two different places but then later you say you won't do an LDR. Which is it because I can't call this one yet until I'm clear on this particular issue.

 

Also, why are you his first relationship? I mean he's 32, so that's a little unusual.

 

Anyway, if you can clear some of this up, I'll weigh in.

 

You're welcome!

 

I apologize for the confusion. Right now if we were single we would choose to live in two different places, which is what I meant by "We want to live in different places." But if we stay together, we would live together, or at least live as close as possible during residency training (3-4 years) and then live together.

 

I don't know why I'm his first relationship. I think there are a lot of possible contributory factors. 1) He was friends with a number of taller and buffer men, and probably didn't get as much attention from the ladies. 2) He's very introverted. 3) As a consequence of (1) and (2) I think by the time college was winding down, he had probably given up on putting himself out there, in addition to probably having a low level of self-confidence when it came to the ladies. 4) He is EXTREMELY deliberate when it comes to making any decisions. He doesn't even offer a preference for anything unless he has clear reasons as to why IT is his preference as opposed to any other option. So for someone of low confidence with women to deliberately like a woman enough to ask her out, I think that took more enough than it was worth, previously. But, no red flags--no mental health issues, no abuse, no unhealthy or disgusting social habits (unless you consider his messy apartment), very respectful, very thoughtful, likes to cook, my dog loves him, my friends like him... So no major warnings, even after knowing him for almost 2 1/2 years.

 

Anyhow, those are some ideas. But, ultimately, he's an amazing man, with a heart of gold, and I feel lucky to have found him.

 

Let me know what you think

[Touche]

Hi Sunshine. Sounds good to me. I'm going to say VIABLE. :)You both seem to have a lot going for you and you sound quite compatible.

 

Good luck!

 

Trey, I'll get back to you as soon as I can. I'm playing on LS in between work. Yours is still a tough one for me and I'm not sure I can call it. I'll read over everything again and weigh in as soon as I can, ok?

 

But let me remind everyone that others are welcome to weigh in as well.