Is Your Relationship Viable For the Long-Term or Will it be Short-Lived?

[keechie]

No problem Keech.

 

Well, I guess I'm not getting the feeling that you're ready. At this point, your parents concerns shouldn't be a big issue. You're both adults.

 

You've given a few reasons why you don't feel ready to move in with him:

 

1. traditional values

2. what would the parents think

3. apartment search incovenient

 

etc. etc. The fact that you think you'd have to hide your living together from your parents concerns me. You're an adult now.

 

But look at your number 3 in your other post when you explained about not giving him an answer about living together. Nowhere did you mention any of the above. You had a whole other set of reasons.

 

You're really not ready for marriage. And I wonder if you're really ready for anything long-term now. Earlier you were talking about how nice it is having your own space (own apt.) You also mention that you want to really make sure it lasts first.

 

But you want to be engaged.

 

See what I'm saying? You're kind of all over the place in your thinking. This isn't the mentality of someone ready for marriage or anything really long-term.

 

I think you still have some growing up to do. Dating others wouldn't hurt.

 

Although you take responsibility for the silent treatment, it's a red flag...even if, as you say, you don't do that anymore.

 

The spats over nothing and the occasional name-calling are red flags too.

 

I'm being honest. I just am not seeing this as being viable in the long-term.

 

Thank you. This is good for me to hear! Haha, I guess I really am not ready yet, for living together or for being engaged. I AM all over the place in my thinking, and I need to really sit back and sort it out. I am going to take a step back and seriously think about my doubts over the next couple of months. I do tend to overanalyze to the point where it could potentially be destructive, and sometimes I'll convince myself a problem exists where it really doesn't.

 

I don't have any desire to date anybody else though. He makes me profoundly happy, and he "gets" me like no other person in the world does, and he has said the same. (That alone is enough to make me want to sort myself out because he deserves better.) He's the most awesome, thoughtful, caring and attentive person I have ever been with. I am going to talk to him and be up front about all of my reservations though. I know he's not itching to get married right away anyway, and I know he won't be hurt if I tell him I'm not ready to live with him yet. He's been nothing but supportive about it all since I've told him that I wasn't sure about living together just yet. He told me to take as much time as I need, because he's not going anywhere any time soon. I haven't really told him WHY I'm not sure, and our relationship would probably benefit from me telling him.

 

I do believe that our relationship is viable, but there are definitely some things I need to sort out on my end, as you mentioned. And if it doesn't work out that way, then it doesn't and that's life, right? Right now though, I feel like there's just something really great there that can't be ignored, and I feel like it and he both deserve my effort at growing up and figuring out my issues. At the very least, if it doesn't work, it will still be a learning experience.

 

Seriously though, I'm going to bookmark this page and come back in a few months to see if I still feel the same way, or if I've made some progress on myself. Thank you again.

[Love Actually]

As for those who want to stir the pot on here, I'm really getting fed up with it. I'm putting everyone who continues to engage in it on ignore. I will not respond to it.

You are right, it's so disrespectful. And I, for one, will own my errant behaviour - instead of haughtily announcing that I am going to leave the thread, and then coming straight back, for example. I am sorry, and I won't do it again (on this thread).

 

Once again, please accept my humblest apologies.

[Touche]

You are right, it's so disrespectful. And I, for one, will own my errant behaviour - instead of haughtily announcing that I am going to leave the thread, and then coming straight back, for example. I am sorry, and I won't do it again (on this thread).

 

Once again, please accept my humblest apologies.

 

Now THAT I can respect.

 

Thanks, LA. No harm done. Apology accepted.

[Shygirl15]

Great. Thanks for the heads up. Will definitely keep my eyes open. He's in military and I don't know if that has anything to do with having a controlling behaviour but we'll see how it goes.

[Star Gazer]

No, she twisted things.

 

I just went and looked at what you said, and it absolutely was not a fabrication or twisted at all. I read it all, and her summary of what you said and how was spot on. Just a couple snippets:

 

As for melody..you looked great...for a really high class call girl.

 

Oh, wow. please. no one said BEG wasn't gorgeous...she just needs to shed a couple of pounds...big woop!

 

I'm honestly AGHAST that you would say such a thing, and don't blame MM for sending you that PM at all now. What nerve you have! I certainly hope you were under the influence when you were typing those comments.

 

And this IS relevant to this thread. It's one thing to JUDGE a person's relationship when they ask for your approval or condemnation, whether honestly or just for entertainment value, and quite another to say such cruel things to fellow women about their appearance.

 

[Touche]

Thank you. This is good for me to hear! Haha, I guess I really am not ready yet, for living together or for being engaged. I AM all over the place in my thinking, and I need to really sit back and sort it out. I am going to take a step back and seriously think about my doubts over the next couple of months. I do tend to overanalyze to the point where it could potentially be destructive, and sometimes I'll convince myself a problem exists where it really doesn't.

 

I don't have any desire to date anybody else though. He makes me profoundly happy, and he "gets" me like no other person in the world does, and he has said the same. (That alone is enough to make me want to sort myself out because he deserves better.) He's the most awesome, thoughtful, caring and attentive person I have ever been with. I am going to talk to him and be up front about all of my reservations though. I know he's not itching to get married right away anyway, and I know he won't be hurt if I tell him I'm not ready to live with him yet. He's been nothing but supportive about it all since I've told him that I wasn't sure about living together just yet. He told me to take as much time as I need, because he's not going anywhere any time soon. I haven't really told him WHY I'm not sure, and our relationship would probably benefit from me telling him.

 

I do believe that our relationship is viable, but there are definitely some things I need to sort out on my end, as you mentioned. And if it doesn't work out that way, then it doesn't and that's life, right? Right now though, I feel like there's just something really great there that can't be ignored, and I feel like it and he both deserve my effort at growing up and figuring out my issues. At the very least, if it doesn't work, it will still be a learning experience.

 

Seriously though, I'm going to bookmark this page and come back in a few months to see if I still feel the same way, or if I've made some progress on myself. Thank you again.

 

I'm impressed Keechie. And you guys may be viable in the end if you can work on what you brought up above.

 

Please do check back. I sure would like to be proven wrong on this one!

 

Good luck, Keech!

[keechie]

No problem Keech.

 

Well, I guess I'm not getting the feeling that you're ready. At this point, your parents concerns shouldn't be a big issue. You're both adults.

 

You've given a few reasons why you don't feel ready to move in with him:

 

1. traditional values

2. what would the parents think

3. apartment search incovenient

 

etc. etc. The fact that you think you'd have to hide your living together from your parents concerns me. You're an adult now.

 

But look at your number 3 in your other post when you explained about not giving him an answer about living together. Nowhere did you mention any of the above. You had a whole other set of reasons.

 

You're really not ready for marriage. And I wonder if you're really ready for anything long-term now. Earlier you were talking about how nice it is having your own space (own apt.) You also mention that you want to really make sure it lasts first.

 

But you want to be engaged.

 

See what I'm saying? You're kind of all over the place in your thinking. This isn't the mentality of someone ready for marriage or anything really long-term.

 

I think you still have some growing up to do. Dating others wouldn't hurt.

 

Although you take responsibility for the silent treatment, it's a red flag...even if, as you say, you don't do that anymore.

 

The spats over nothing and the occasional name-calling are red flags too.

 

I'm being honest. I just am not seeing this as being viable in the long-term.

 

Thank you. This is good for me to hear! Haha, I guess I really am not ready yet, for living together or for being engaged. I AM all over the place in my thinking, and I need to really sit back and sort it out. I am going to take a step back and seriously think about my doubts over the next couple of months. I do tend to overanalyze to the point where it could potentially be destructive, and sometimes I'll convince myself a problem exists where it really doesn't.

 

I don't have any desire to date anybody else though. He makes me profoundly happy, and he "gets" me like no other person in the world does, and he has said the same. (That alone is enough to make me want to sort myself out because he deserves better.) He's the most awesome, thoughtful, caring and attentive person I have ever been with. I am going to talk to him and be up front about all of my reservations though. I know he's not itching to get married right away anyway, and I know he won't be hurt if I tell him I'm not ready to live with him yet. He's been nothing but supportive about it all since I've told him that I wasn't sure about living together just yet. He told me to take as much time as I need, because he's not going anywhere any time soon. I haven't really told him WHY I'm not sure, and our relationship would probably benefit from me telling him.

 

I do believe that our relationship is viable, but there are definitely some things I need to sort out on my end, as you mentioned. And if it doesn't work out that way, then it doesn't and that's life, right? Right now though, I feel like there's just something really great there that can't be ignored, and I feel like it and he both deserve my effort at growing up and figuring out my issues. At the very least, if it doesn't work, it will still be a learning experience.

 

Seriously though, I'm going to bookmark this page and come back in a few months to see if I still feel the same way, or if I've made some progress on myself. Thank you again.

[Touche]

I just went and looked at what you said, and it absolutely was not a fabrication or twisted at all. I read it all, and her summary of what you said and how was spot on. Just a couple snippets:

 

 

 

 

 

I'm honestly AGHAST that you would say such a thing, and don't blame MM for sending you that PM at all now. What nerve you have! I certainly hope you were under the influence when you were typing those comments.

 

And this IS relevant to this thread. It's one thing to JUDGE a person's relationship when they ask for your approval or condemnation, whether honestly or just for entertainment value, and quite another to say such cruel things to fellow women about their appearance.

 

 

No. Mel HERSELF said she bet we all thought that pic of herself was what we imagined spook looks like.My reply was tongue in cheek based on that.

 

the rest I explained.

 

You need to stop posting on here abuot this now. I really hate to put you on ignore but it's what I'm going to have to do if you insist on stirring the pot yet AGAIN on my thread.

 

You've had your say, SG. Hope you feel better. Now seriously you need to drop it. It's COMPLETELY off-topic and it's meant to incite.

[Star Gazer]

Actually, the first comment Touche made to Mel was "Wow, Mel...smokin'!" until she turned on Touche and got all dramatic on her. THAT was when the "call girl" comment came out.

 

Let it go now, okay?

 

I didn't see Mel attack Touche.

 

That said, I'm consistently surprised when people use the "two wrongs make a right" method of justifying their actions.

 

It's sad, really.

[Touche]

Actually, the first comment Touche made to Mel was "Wow, Mel...smokin'!" until she turned on Touche and got all dramatic on her. THAT was when the "call girl" comment came out.

 

Let it go now, okay?

 

donna, I appreciate it. She's not going to drop it though. She will have to have the last word. She can have it. I'm putting her on ignore.

 

She already almost ruined my thread once before. I will not allow her to do it again.

 

I urge others to not respond (on this thread anyway) as it is OFF-TOPIC.

 

Thanks everyone!

[Star Gazer]

No. Mel HERSELF said she bet we all thought that pic of herself was what we imagined spook looks like.My reply was tongue in cheek based on that.

 

the rest I explained.

 

You need to stop posting on here abuot this now. I really hate to put you on ignore but it's what I'm going to have to do if you insist on stirring the pot yet AGAIN on my thread.

 

You've had your say, SG. Hope you feel better. Now seriously you need to drop it. It's COMPLETELY off-topic and it's meant to incite.

 

How am I stirring the pot? You're the one who started going OT yourself by talking about Mel's PM calling you out for "playing God." She explained how that PM came to be. I simply asked if what she said was true. That was my FIRST comment that you believed was OT. Then you blatantly lied when you said it wasn't true. I responded by showing you that it was.

 

Stop acting like I'm causing drama "again" - you started it for yourself. Besides, how can I incite you when it's your own JUDGMENT that's at issue in this thread??

 

But go ahead an put me on ignore. You know that I really don't care one way or another.

[Star Gazer]

donna, I appreciate it. She's not going to drop it though. She will have to have the last word. She can have it.

 

THANK YOU! I guess there IS a first time for everything!!!

 

:bunny:

[Touche]

I know. I saw that.

 

Back to the POSITIVE parts of this thread: Yeah, Saturday night was WONDERFUL! I can't stop hitting the rewind button and playing it over again!!! VIABLE!

 

Yep...only makes her look bad. Whatever.

 

That's so great, donna. You've got the real deal there. very VIABLE!

 

I wish you'd weigh in on some of these too. You would have some good insights I suspect.

[Touche]

And open myself up for a vicious attack by someone who may be a little unbalanced? HEE-YELL NO!!!

 

Ok, you have a point there. I mean the very first post (after my OP) on here was an attack. Who cares though. I mean most get what this thread is about. Those who don't or who insist on stirring things up and going off-topic, don't bother me at all. If they make enough of a nuisance of themselves they get to be put on ignore. No biggie.

 

That's a shame though because I really think you could have some good insights. I do hope you'll reconsider.

[Glory]

Hi, Touche, I'm hoping you can give me your opinion. I'm a lurker, sometimes poster, so here goes...

 

I am 24, BF is 25. We've been together 7 years (since I was 17). We met senior year of high school and dated mostly throughout college. We went to different schools (about an hour apart) but saw each other every weekend. Sophomore year, we took a break and both dated other people for a couple months. Obviously that didn't last. Prior to our relationship we had both dated other people, though his relationships lasted longer than mine.

 

More recently (this past September) we had some issues (detailed here) that we have since resolved. Long story short, he was worried that he didn't have any friends that were just his friends, as opposed to our friends, and that he felt that our timelines did not sync up (in terms of engagement and marriage). We've both talked about this and he has since made some other friends in a new hobby and we've agreed on a timeline we are both happy with.

 

I am moving in with him in about two weeks (yay!) and we are hoping to get engaged by the end of the year (yay again!). We both want similar things in terms of children and our future. We both have good jobs and solid career paths. I have no debt and he has his mortgage and some student loans still to pay off. He owns his own home.

 

Both sets of parents are still married over 25 years later.

 

Let me know if you need any other information. Thanks so much for starting this thread. It's pretty interesting!

 

Ok, Glory that was nice of you to say about my thread. And you're welcome. So here goes:

 

Wow, another young couple and you've been with him since you were 17. Hmm...well you have some good things going for you also.

 

I'm wondering about this engagement/wedding timeline. How did it come about that you agreed on the end of the year? Whose idea was that? Or did you both come up with it together?

 

Also, have you discussed money and how you'll split bills or handle financial matters, bills, etc. after you move in together?

 

Thanks for taking the time to do this!

 

The timeline came about in response to my moving in with him. I had been hesitant about it at first (I didn't want to move in together unless we were engaged). However, we talked about it and decided that we both did want to get married and it was more a matter of if, not when. I suppose I did want to be engaged sooner then he did, but we both want to get married and when we told my folks we'd be moving in together he reassured them that this wasn't us "playing house" but rather just a step closer to marriage.

 

However, the timeline is not really any sort of ultimatum (i.e. I'm not planning on leaving if he doesn't propose by Dec 31st!) it is just a general sense of here we are moving forward. I suppose it is more generic then a firm deadline.

 

We have discussed money matters and have created a budge for living together and are opening joint savings and checking accounts.

[Touche]

Thanks for taking the time to do this!

 

You're welcome.

 

The timeline came about in response to my moving in with him. I had been hesitant about it at first (I didn't want to move in together unless we were engaged). However, we talked about it and decided that we both did want to get married and it was more a matter of if, not when. I suppose I did want to be engaged sooner then he did, but we both want to get married and when we told my folks we'd be moving in together he reassured them that this wasn't us "playing house" but rather just a step closer to marriage.

 

However, the timeline is not really any sort of ultimatum (i.e. I'm not planning on leaving if he doesn't propose by Dec 31st!) it is just a general sense of here we are moving forward. I suppose it is more generic then a firm deadline.

 

We have discussed money matters and have created a budge for living together and are opening joint savings and checking accounts.

 

Your situation is reminding me a little of keehie's.

 

I did read your other thread and it kind of concerned me that he was seeing things so differently than you were. I'm not sure that you're both on the same page/same life stage. I mean it sounds like since then things have changed but just be careful.

 

Also be very careful about joining your finances. He has debt and you don't. You really need to lay it all out before you move in. Go over it in detail..who will responsible for what, how much income is discretionary, etc. etc. Otherwise, you will have some real issues.

 

I really can't say about you guys. My sense on this one is to say NOT VIABLE here too. I think with you guys a few months of living together will tell the whole story.

 

How do you solve your differences now?

 

Even if what I'm quoting below from your other post isn't true about you, it concerns me that he even thinks this and says this to you:

 

He said he wasn't upset about anything like that, but that I was beginning to get on his nerves and that he could not stand my "neediness" anymore. He thought that I was selfish and that I was always concerned about how things would affect me and never how they would affect him.

 

And 6 months ago you were wondering if he was an ex.

 

There are red flags. But it doesn't mean it won't work. If you want to report back 3 months after you've moved in and update further, that would be great. In the meantime focus on your communication issues.

 

For now, unfortunately, I will have to say NOT VIABLE in the long-term.

[Glory]

Also be very careful about joining your finances. He has debt and you don't. You really need to lay it all out before you move in. Go over it in detail..who will responsible for what, how much income is discretionary, etc. etc. Otherwise, you will have some real issues.

We've done that with the money thing. He is paying his entire mortgage and I am covering incidentals (cable, internet, groceries), and we're pretty clear on where money is going in regards to his debt and how much is getting paid off per month.

 

How do you solve your differences now?

I think, in the past 6 months, are communication has really improved. Both of us feel much more comfortable expressing ourselves and explaining when we feel slighted. I will give you a case in point, last night I was feeling nervous about moving in together - not because I think it's a bad idea, just because I've never lived with anyone besides my folks and a college roommate - sharing my feelings with him allowed for us to have a really nice conversation about the growing pains we expect and the adjustments that living together will cause.

 

Even if what I'm quoting below from your other post isn't true about you, it concerns me that he even thinks this and says this to you -

Yes, that kind of concerned me too. And I think a lot of that neediness (I'm trying to perfectly honest and that means admitting some of my faults) was that until recently I didn't know how we stood. I was worried that he'd never make that long-term commitment to me (despite dating for 7 years! yes, I probably have insecurity issues). However, I think (and I'd hope he'd say so too) that since we got back together and especially since we've made this decision to move forward in our relationship that I've felt many of those insecurities dissipate. Hopefully, it signifies a whole new level of our relationship!

 

There are red flags. But it doesn't mean it won't work. If you want to report back 3 months after you've moved in and update further, that would be great. In the meantime focus on your communication issues.

Will do! Both reporting back in 3 months and focusing on communication!

 

Thanks again!

[Touche]

We've done that with the money thing. He is paying his entire mortgage and I am covering incidentals (cable, internet, groceries), and we're pretty clear on where money is going in regards to his debt and how much is getting paid off per month.

 

I think, in the past 6 months, are communication has really improved. Both of us feel much more comfortable expressing ourselves and explaining when we feel slighted. I will give you a case in point, last night I was feeling nervous about moving in together - not because I think it's a bad idea, just because I've never lived with anyone besides my folks and a college roommate - sharing my feelings with him allowed for us to have a really nice conversation about the growing pains we expect and the adjustments that living together will cause.

 

Yes, that kind of concerned me too. And I think a lot of that neediness (I'm trying to perfectly honest and that means admitting some of my faults) was that until recently I didn't know how we stood. I was worried that he'd never make that long-term commitment to me (despite dating for 7 years! yes, I probably have insecurity issues). However, I think (and I'd hope he'd say so too) that since we got back together and especially since we've made this decision to move forward in our relationship that I've felt many of those insecurities dissipate. Hopefully, it signifies a whole new level of our relationship!

 

Will do! Both reporting back in 3 months and focusing on communication!

 

Thanks again!

 

Glory it does sound promising. And I'm also impressed with you too in that you recognize what you have to work on. That says a lot.

 

I hope I change my assessment when you report back...another one I hope I'm wrong on.

 

Good luck!

[Britney23]

 

Now to Britney:

 

I know what I said about people in their 20's but I've also said it's not out of the question...again, look at Allina's story.

 

Naturally for you I'm very concerned that this is your first serious relationship. I think it would be a good idea to live together when school is out but I'd be careful about buying something together. If you're still together by the time you're 25 or so, you probably will make it. But I just don't know now. As I've said, we change a LOT from the time we're in our early 20's to our early 30's and I hesitate to say that this is viable. Heck, you won't even be the same person by the time you're in your mid to late 20's.

 

And staying at your b/f's house is not the same thing as actually living together.

 

I would never recommend marriage of course, at this stage of the game, but if you're happy with him, keep going and see where it goes.

 

I'd need to know a lot more though to really say whether this has long-term potential. For example, when you argue, what is it about and how well do you resolve things?

 

You do have some good things going for you though.

 

Hey thanks heaps for your thoughts, you sound very knowledgeable when it comes to relationships. With the whole age thing, I think your right. We have 2 choices: we can grow apart or grow together.

 

I forgot to mention we're both great with money and he's got a well-paying secure job (he's an engineer) and I am studying law.

 

We mostly argue about him upsetting me. The last argument we had was because I felt that he was putting his friends before me because he forgot the plans he had already had made with me and made plans to go out with his friends.

 

We resolved it quickly. Although I was annoyed I was able to see his point of view that he genuinely forgot and if our plans were important to me he would go with me. He apologized and said it would not happen again. I wasn't that bothered about not going to the party we had planned to go to so I said he can go out with his friends. We then made plans to see each other the following night and we had some fun the next day playing mini-golf.

 

After I get out of my emotional state, we're pretty good at communicating and reaching a compromise that we're both happy with.

[SoulSearch_CO]

Also, SOUL SEARCH, I asked if people could re-post their other posts when answering questions and posting again. It just takes too much time for me to go back and try to find your original post to refresh my mind on the original details. I started looking back for yours and didn't see it and I don't have that much time today. So please re-post any of your older posts and I'll respond.

 

Mine was the very first. But I'll repost everything I've written:

OK...I'll do it.

 

I'm 29, he's turning 30 in 2 weeks. He was in a 5-year relationship that ended about 20 months ago. They broke up because she thought he was never going to propose and she left him for another guy on the very date he was going to propose to her on (he had the ring and everything). I was married for 4 1/2 years to a man that perpetually lied to me and cheated on me. Separated and filed in May 2008 - finalized in August.

 

The new BF and I met in November on eHarmony. Had a date in December and felt we were more like friends. We talked a TON on the phone through the month of December. Then we had a date in January, things really lit up on that date, we got serious. We live two hours apart and see each other every week. There has not a week gone by that I haven't been out at his place, or him at mine. We talk on the phone twice a day and email.

 

His last relationship, she was about 5 years younger than him. My last relationship, my XH was 15 years my senior. Kinda funny that we had the age difference thing in our last relationships and we closed the gap for this one.

 

No kids involved at all. We agree on the kid issue and the marriage issue for the time being - that they'll be discussed MUCH further down the road. We each have a dog about the same size and they love each other.

 

He grew up in a very small town where everybody knows each other. I grew up in a suburb of a large city where my graduating class was larger than the population of his entire town.

 

Let me know if there are any further questions. I'm interested to see what you have to say. I'm pretty relaxed about the whole thing, so I'm open to whatever you have to say. I'm content.

Yes. (In response to if we've been intimate.)

My mom was married and divorced 3 times. His parents have been married 35 years, his grandparents over 50 years.

 

The proposal thing...it was one thing after another that pushed it off. First, he didn't want to pull her into being a housewife - he suggested she go to school so she could get a better job than she had. She agreed and ended up going to school for 3 years. They were long distance during that time - about 5 hours apart. Then she finished up school and moved back to town. He was considering proposing at that time, but they got into some big argument and he felt the timing was off. He says that looking back it was a pretty loveless relationship. She pressured him constantly about getting married in passive aggressive ways - I think that turned him off, too. She also told him that if they got married, he couldn't keep his job because he lives on site. He's been at the job 8 years now, it's an excellent job - no reason to up and quit - the people there love him.

 

Yes, we've talked about me moving in with him. We make constant comments about "when I live there, " etc. But I told him that I'd like to table the discussion for 6 months. That was at the end of January. His response was, "June, here we come!" LOL Not quite 6 months, but I adored his enthusiasm - very cute. I just moved to a place that I can't have animals. I had to rehome 2 cats and one dog. He took on the other dog. She's living at his place, now.

 

Sorry it took me a couple days to write back. He spent the past couple days helping me move to my new place.

Well - I believe it because after they broke up, he bought an $11,000 snowmobile after he sold off the ring. He had the cash from the ring and then a little in savings. The thing is totally paid off. I would have had a hard time buying it, too - except I've seen the sled and I know how antsy he is about debt.

I also saw something in this thread about fighting. We have had a couple miscommunications and then one sarcastic bantering session that might have looked like a fight if you didn't know us. The miscommunications - we keep talking until we can meet in the middle and figure out what the other person is talking about. The sarcastic bantering session - I apologized after and he said he wasn't upset about it - took it as just banter. I feel like this relationship is a lot more communicative than my last. I had a hard time with my XH because he seemed completely uninvolved and quite honestly - I'd bait him sometimes and say things that I really didn't mean trying to get SOME kind of reaction out of him. It was as warm as being in relationship with a brick wall. I didn't feel like I could connect with him. This one, he knows how to bite back and doesn't let people walk all over him. I LIKE IT. We definitely talk. If I do something that makes him think I'm angry with him, he addresses it. He's willing to offer the olive branch as much as I am. Neither of us is into the silent treatment and it seems we both got that in our last relationships from the other party. He said he likes it when I just address something right away rather than letting it fester. He would always get the "nothing's wrong" from his ex-gf and then she'd yell at him later that he didn't read her mind. I don't play games - I'd rather just take care of it so we can move on.

[Britney23]

Hey thanks heaps for your thoughts, you sound very knowledgeable when it comes to relationships. With the whole age thing, I think your right. We have 2 choices: we can grow apart or grow together.

 

I forgot to mention we're both great with money and he's got a well-paying secure job (he's an engineer) and I am studying law.

 

We mostly argue about him upsetting me. The last argument we had was because I felt that he was putting his friends before me because he forgot the plans he had already had made with me and made plans to go out with his friends.

 

We resolved it quickly. Although I was annoyed I was able to see his point of view that he genuinely forgot and if our plans were important to me he would go with me. He apologized and said it would not happen again. I wasn't that bothered about not going to the party we had planned to go to so I said he can go out with his friends. We then made plans to see each other the following night and we had some fun the next day playing mini-golf.

 

After I get out of my emotional state, we're pretty good at communicating and reaching a compromise that we're both happy with.

 

Also, about the staying at his house thing, i'll sometimes stay at his house 5 nights in a row and we don't get bored or irritated with each other because we're still doing our own thing if we want. We go food shopping together, cook together, etc. He lets me be at his house when he is at work or at the gym, etc, (I have my own set of keys) and we sometimes watch TV in separate rooms or I am studying while he's doing something else. He has said I am welcome at his house whenever I want and to treat it like my 'home'. So I know its not the exact same as living together but I think its more than just staying at his house.

[confident&confused]

I have been lurking here on the boards and really did not plan on asking for any help, but this thread has made me interested. I wonder what you would tell me.

 

Here is my details....

 

Me and my gf have been dating for about a year and a half. We are both in our late twenties. We get along great, but we do have disagreements occasionally. So far, all have been resolved quite well.

 

My background. I have been raised in a fairly conservative and I guess Christian home. There really isn't anything dysfunctional about my upbringing. I have had a few gfs but none that really made me think marriage until my current one. I graduated from college with a business degree, and I am currently an Operations Manager for a medium size company. My job is quite secure.

 

Her background. She was also raised in a strict and conservative house. Some might call it Christian, but her family life was dysfunctional. She was verbally and physically abused. Also along the way, she was sexually abused for a period over a few years. As a result, she "developed" bulimia and has had a lot of emotional problems. She has no really good relationship with her father. She is currently in counseling for abuse and food disorders. She no longer lives at home but lives 700 miles away near me and with her married sister. She has despite many hurdles, become a RN and currently works at a large hospital.

 

She is gorgeous IMO. She can be passionate and impulsive. She can be mischievous and quiet. On the downside, she can be moody and irritable.

 

Our relationship. We have dated for over a year and a half. We have had a lot of fun dating, but I felt pressure to get engaged early on...so after ten months of dating, I proposed and gave her a ring. A month later, I asked for it back but wanted to keep dating. She said it was over. A month after that, we got back together and have had a much better relationship. While at the beginning, I felt she was controlling me, I now feel that I am my own person.

 

Now I want to ask her to marry me again. I know she will. I love her with all my heart. We are the best of friends and enjoy each others company. Since the breakup and the getting back together, we have dated for about another six months.

 

The question is...should I? Would you call this relationship viable or should I run for the hills and find another woman?

[Touche]

Hi confident&confused and welcome to LS! (Sorry, LA)

 

Ok, well I hate to say this but in your case, I don't need to know more. You're not a match. Run for the hills...NOT VIABLE.

 

You're stable. You're grounded. If you marry her I can almost guarantee that she'll cause your life to be like you're on a rollercoaster ride. Not worth it and very hard to maintain a relationship like this for a life-time.

 

These kind of back and forth relationships almost NEVER work..trust me I was in one for many years. Also, I've never really seen them work with others.

 

When you're with the RIGHT person for YOU...there is no back and forth. You don't break it off to date others because you're with the right person for you.

 

I'm sorry. I hate to see you marry her only to get divorced. You're better off starting fresh and ending this.

 

I mean if in a year and a half you haven't gotten it together with her, I'm not seeing it.

 

Also the fact that you're not even sure you should ask her to marry her again says a lot. Trust me, when it's right you don't have to ask someone on the internet whether you should or not. You will know without a doubt.

 

Good luck though and feel free to come back and post here or anywhere on LS about your situation.

 

Britney and Soul I will get to you two next. Sorry I took c&C out of order here.

[Touche]

Soul, yes. I'm saying VIABLE on this one. I particularly liked what you had to say on the communication (disagreement) front. That's an excellent indicator there.

 

Also, I saw your thread on marriage. If you two are happy how you are, and there are no kids involved (sorry but I'm old-fashioned that way) I say why bother? Not everyone has to get married. You can still have a good relationship. That's up to the two of you.

 

Good luck!

[Touche]

Hey thanks heaps for your thoughts, you sound very knowledgeable when it comes to relationships. With the whole age thing, I think your right. We have 2 choices: we can grow apart or grow together.

 

I forgot to mention we're both great with money and he's got a well-paying secure job (he's an engineer) and I am studying law.

 

We mostly argue about him upsetting me. The last argument we had was because I felt that he was putting his friends before me because he forgot the plans he had already had made with me and made plans to go out with his friends.

 

We resolved it quickly. Although I was annoyed I was able to see his point of view that he genuinely forgot and if our plans were important to me he would go with me. He apologized and said it would not happen again. I wasn't that bothered about not going to the party we had planned to go to so I said he can go out with his friends. We then made plans to see each other the following night and we had some fun the next day playing mini-golf.

 

After I get out of my emotional state, we're pretty good at communicating and reaching a compromise that we're both happy with.

 

Ok, Britney. I have to confess that with you I went back and looked at some of your other posts in other threads because I wasn't really getting a fix on things. I thought there was more to what you were telling me here. And I was right.

 

You two aren't a match.

 

You will never feel as secure as you need to feel with him. I question whether you will with anyone now though. You need to work on your insecurities a bit but he certainly doesn't help with the way he doesn't seem to put you first.

 

Keep seeing him if you want but don't move in with him. I don't see it working out. I think as time goes on, you're going to end up feeling more insecure. I just don't see that you're compatible. He's not considerate of your feelings.

 

So basically, he's too inconsiderate and insensitive and you're a little too sensitive and clingy. That's a bad match that probably won't end well I'm sorry to say.

 

Keep seeing him if you want to do that but I would be careful of getting too close.

 

I'm sorry Britney but I'm going to have to say NOT VIABLE on this one.