Is Your Relationship Viable For the Long-Term or Will it be Short-Lived?

[Britney23]

Well he has accidently caught me looking on LS a few weeks ago, and I ended up showing him all my posts because he wanted to know what was going on in my head.

The 'not excited to see him' post - he was hurt by that and had no idea that is what I was thinking but he was happy that all that replied wrote that I was clingy and sensitive. And about his ex he agreed with the person that said I need to chill because I have nothing to worry about...

 

And about your post which he hasn't actually seen, at first he got defensive and said 'yeah break up with me because of what someone on the internet said' (sarcastically) and then said he would love it if I was less sensitive and maybe I am the one who needs to change.. Then he realised he was actually just proving your point about him being insensitive so started saying all sweet things. For example, "that everything is good about our relationship and nothing is bad, he loves me, wants to be with me, and he has learnt from prior experience that spending all your time with one person isn't healthy and it's important to have a balance because he doesn't want me to get sick of him and I am the most important thing in his life, etc etc."

 

So it was a good reaction overall I would say.

[Touche]

Yes, that's good. I hope his actions back up his words.

[Britney23]

Me too.

 

Thanks again for all your advice to everyone on this thread, it has really helped me!

[Touche]

Me too.

 

Thanks again for all your advice to everyone on this thread, it has really helped me!

 

You're welcome. Good luck! Come back and post anytime.

[CD111]

Well I really have to say that this thread is pretty cool. Ironically I have been mulling over the current relationship I am in and it would be great if you would give your opinion Touche. Here are the details

 

Me: 29- have been in two LTR each lasting about 2.5 years. I have never been married and no kids. I have a MS in geology. My family gets along well even though my parents divorced about 5 years ago and my parents are still friends. Financially, I have minimal debt 14 grand in school loans and about $5000 on one credit card. I have good credit, keep track of my money and have realistic spending habits.

 

Him: 40- was married about 12 years ago for two years and then has had a few LTR's. He does have a daughter, but rarely sees her. She lives out of state. He is not very well educated. His parents divorced when he was 7. His relationship with his family is definitely not as good as mine. Financially, he has bad credit with some bills currently in collections. From what I have noticed he is a spender and can't manage his money well. Red Flag for me. He talks horribly about his ex wife, but is still friends with some of his other ex's.

 

We have been dating for about 5 months. We have been intimate and see each other on a regular basis. We live about 20 miles apart. Even though he doesn't have much of an education he is interested self education. We go to museums, like to go try different types of ethnic food, he thinks it's really cool that I am a geologist and likes to talk about earth processes, rocks and minerals ( yes I am a rock nerd). We both like nature and to travel.

 

We have talked about the future. I told him that I would like to have kids in the future. Initially he said he wasn't interested in having more children, but changed his mind after the special situation below. In the future both of us would like to own a home as well.

 

Special situation: He was involved in a terrible motorcycle accident. Hit by a drunk driver in a pick-up. Resulting in a broken pelvis, coma for 8 days and numerous other broken bones. A few weeks after we started dating. We have spoke about his financial situation and he said he was trying to raise his credit and pay his neglected bill before the wreck. But now he is basically out of work for a long while. However, he is looking to the future, wants to change his career and has looked into it.

 

Yup it's a bit complicated, but thanks for the input.

[Touche]

Gosh this is tough, CD.

 

I just don't like what I'm seeing here. Too many red flags for me.

 

1. Has a child he rarely sees. Very bad sign. Trust me on that one. I can elaborate if you wish.

 

2. Disparity in education levels. Never good, in my opinion.

 

3. The distance between you.

 

4. Initially not wanting kids and then changed his mind? uhm...no. He doesn't even see the one he has.

 

Stick with him and you'll end up supporting him. Also, if you do ever agree to having a child together, you'll regret it. He will never be a real partner as a parent. Don't do it.

 

In addition, I guarantee that the disparity in your education and intellectual levels will come back to bite you in the butt.

 

It's nice that you have some things in common but it's just not enough to sustain a relationship for the long-term.

 

So in my opinion, as much as I hate to say it, this is NOT VIABLE.

[Touche]

oops, how did I miss this:

 

* Doesn't get along great with his family.

 

* Speaks badly about his ex.

 

Let me just say that none of these in and of itself mean all that much...although they do mean something.

 

But if you take ALL of it and weight it...it's really not good.

[sharonrose98]

Ok, here goes:

 

Me: I am 28(29 in June) and am in the middle of a divorce. I have 3 kids and my own home. My husband cheated on me and now lives with the woman he cheated with. He is no longer a part of my life except when the kids are involved.

 

Him: He is 35. He was engaged to a woman a while back and has a son with her. He says that he can't stand her and from overhearing conversations with her on the phone I know it is true. He loves his son completely and spends as much time as possible with him.

 

Us: We met last July online and talked for over a month before meeting in person. I was pregnant at the time and this did not bother him. We have been talking almost daily and seeing each other whenever possible. We live about 35 minutes apart. My kids have not met hiim yet and I have not met his son. We both decided it best to wait a while before getting the kids involved. My kids know about him though.

 

He knows what I went through before and has assured me he is not that guy and would never do that. I do trust him and believe him. We have been intimate with each other but there is much more than that. There are plenty of days we are together that we just hang out and enjoy each others company. He is always teasing me and making me laugh.

 

When I met him I knew that there was definately something there for me. I have very strong feelings for this man and want it to become a very serious relationship. I know I am technically not divorced yet but that is just a matter of a waiting period and paperwork. It is definalely happening!

 

My problem is getting him to express his feelings for me verbally. He calls me honey, babe, etc but does not really state how he feels.

 

What do you think? If you have any questions please ask. Your opinion is appreciated.

 

Sharon

[Touche]

Ok, here goes:

 

Me: I am 28(29 in June) and am in the middle of a divorce. I have 3 kids and my own home. My husband cheated on me and now lives with the woman he cheated with. He is no longer a part of my life except when the kids are involved.

 

Him: He is 35. He was engaged to a woman a while back and has a son with her. He says that he can't stand her and from overhearing conversations with her on the phone I know it is true. He loves his son completely and spends as much time as possible with him.

 

Us: We met last July online and talked for over a month before meeting in person. I was pregnant at the time and this did not bother him. We have been talking almost daily and seeing each other whenever possible. We live about 35 minutes apart. My kids have not met hiim yet and I have not met his son. We both decided it best to wait a while before getting the kids involved. My kids know about him though.

 

He knows what I went through before and has assured me he is not that guy and would never do that. I do trust him and believe him. We have been intimate with each other but there is much more than that. There are plenty of days we are together that we just hang out and enjoy each others company. He is always teasing me and making me laugh.

 

When I met him I knew that there was definately something there for me. I have very strong feelings for this man and want it to become a very serious relationship. I know I am technically not divorced yet but that is just a matter of a waiting period and paperwork. It is definalely happening!

 

My problem is getting him to express his feelings for me verbally. He calls me honey, babe, etc but does not really state how he feels.

 

What do you think? If you have any questions please ask. Your opinion is appreciated.

 

Sharon

 

Hi Sharon,

 

Hmmm, another first time poster. You sure you haven't been here before?

 

Ok, so how often do you actually see each other?

 

Are you sure he's not seeing others? Why are my antennae up on this one.

 

Who calls who usually...or is it about even?

 

Also, what are the conversations with his ex like? He says he can't stand her yet, he was engaged to her and has a child by her. Doesn't speak well of him there. That's a red flag for me.

 

By the way, does he ever say your name?

[sharonrose98]

Hi Sharon,

 

Hmmm, another first time poster. You sure you haven't been here before?

 

Ok, so how often do you actually see each other?

 

Are you sure he's not seeing others? Why are my antennae up on this one.

 

Who calls who usually...or is it about even?

 

Also, what are the conversations with his ex like? He says he can't stand her yet, he was engaged to her and has a child by her. Doesn't speak well of him there. That's a red flag for me.

 

By the way, does he ever say your name?

 

 

Positive that i have never been here before. Just found the forum today!

 

We have been seeing each other a few times a week. We don't usually see each other on the weekend because that is when he has his son. And yes, I talk to him and know his son is with him.

 

I believe he is not seeing anyone else. We both do the calling. He owns his own remodeling business and will talk to me while at work and joke with me and the guys he is working with at the same time. I have actually talked to a couple of them.

 

The conversations with his ex are usually regarding their son or support. I heard a conversation between him and a buddy once that he did not know I heard and know that she left him with a lot of debt and I believe cheated on him. That is the reason for the way he feels about her now.

 

He says my name all the time both on the phone and in person.

[Touche]

I was kidding, Sharon. Welcome to LS.

 

I don't think you know each other well enough for me to say whether this is viable or not so I'm saying TOO CLOSE TO CALL.

 

You still haven't met each others' kids. You still have to get the divorce finalized.

 

Yellow flag: His debt. His business might take a hit in this economy so his debt might even go up. This could be an issue.

 

Just take it slow and continue to get to know him as you have but I really can't call this one. I just don't feel like you know each other well enough yet.

 

I think you may face a lot of challenges with him if you do end up making a go of this...and not only financially. Blending families is never easy and those types of relationships/marriages have an even higher failure rate than ones where there are no kids involved.

 

There might be issues with the ex also.

 

I don't mean to be negative. Just proceed with caution here. And feel free to update any time.

 

Good luck!

[sharonrose98]

Thanks for your input!

[Touche]

Thanks for your input!

 

You're welcome! And I do wish you the best.

[chrissreef]

Touche;

Hi, thanks for your link in the other thread. Maybe i shouldn't give info on my ex's and my history and instead just post what i know. I know I shouldn't hold onto hope, but I figure I'd play along in this thread =)

 

I was first wondering what you generally think about a 24f dating a 36m, or rather their success rate. Maybe you can either just give me info on that, or opinion on this couple. Either is fine =)

 

This is what I know

 

Coming to 2.5 months together... I think they met at the gym like 2 months before so they probably ran into each other 2 times per week. I believe they text each other daily and work out together several nights per week. i don't know how often he stays at her place, I've just seen a pic with two toothbrushes lol.

 

Him

36.5m Personal trainer

likes sports bars and beer, social, i've seen a picture of him holding a surf board (we all live in dallas), no education, doesn't like dancing, makes 30-40k, unknown past relationships, according to my ex he's "mature, but doesn't act his age". goes 4x4ing, liberal uknown origin or religion. smaller wanker and sex drive than me apparently. unknown other interests.

 

Her

24.9 Dietitian

girly girl, works out daily, doesn't like beer or sports, social, educated, makes 50k, only child, loves her father, parents still together, dated a 27yr when she was 18 and after 4 yrs called it off because he wouldn't change or take her opinions into consideration. has had a 4 yr relationship, 3 month, 2.5 yr relationship/engaged for 1 of that (me) and now the above guy for 2.5 months, loves dancing, the arts/theater, loves travel. liberal from dallas spiritual but not religious. can be stubborn and passive aggressive. The only pictures I've seen of her/him are at bars. has expressed interest in moving to california ever since her best friend moved there - her parents are in tx and won't move to cali.

 

here's the mixed signals i've gotten from her, some people say she just feels guilty so says stuff, makes sense to me....engaged for 1.5 yrs and left me at 5 months from the big day. we moved in together after 3 weeks of dating, first year was great, second year was pretty good, last 5 months weren't super but she didn't say anything was bothering her so I figured we were in a routine. Coming from a big family our "arguments" were small, she's an only child and never really dealth with conflict. She left me saying that there might be someone better for each of us out there with a similar lifestyle, no prior warnings. has said she thinks we can maybe date again but needs space to figure herself out 6-12 months. that our relationship is through. that he'd be easy to break up with. that she can't date me now because she's hurt and couldn't give it 100% and if she came back she could give it 100%, says she wants me in her future, just doesn't know in what way. it's too early to think, but doesn't want to get hopes up. that if she gave me a second chance, and it didn't work, she could lose him and me - and she doesn't want to do that because she's having fun with him and he treats her like a lady. she thinks we need to heal separately. he knew and was ok that we were engaged. that we could maybe be friends. she's cold in person but will send a birthday text and an email that says "thank you, and i do love you". Lots of mixed signals huh? lol

 

Maybe just give some 24-36 info lol

[Touche]

chris, sorry but you've thoroughly confused me. Who is "her" and "him?" Is it your "ex" and her ex? I'm confused.

 

Can you clear up who is who here? So you're 36 and she's 24? Sorry, I'm just confused...and maybe multi-tasking isn't helping either.

[chrissreef]

I'm her ex - ok looking

 

her is my ex - petite barbie

 

him is the guy she cheated on me with/left me for - 6' ken

 

she physically cheated once and then 2 days later told me she was leaving

 

oh, she said money doesn't matter but i put how much they make up there. i'm 28m and make 75k and have a grad degree. we have a ton in common, our communication just needed work. i didn't work out because of an injury i but look fit - i am now working out lol.

 

hope that helps! =P

[Touche]

Chris, you're in denial. Sorry. But this has zero to do with their age difference or that you don't work out. She's just not in the same stage in life as you are. No way.

 

You have a ton in common but your "communication needed work?" OMG. No. First of all, even if you had a ton in common and it was a matter of bad communication it would be iffy. But this is NOT a matter of "bad communication" chris. Do you not see that?

 

You want different things and furthermore, what about her cheating? Is that just due to "bad communication". No. Your values are different.

 

If you're asking whether it can work between her and her 36 year old b/f. Yeah, it can. He might be as immature as she is and in the same stage of life as she is. Age doesn't have as much to do with things as one might be led to believe. At least not with an age difference of 15 years or less...beyond that..yep. It CAN be the cause of problems.

 

As far as your saying there are mixed signals because she sends an occasional text or email..no. No mixed signals at all. Her actions are crystal clear. Forget the little texts and emails. That's just done for you to keep hanging on and to feed her big ego.

 

Don't fall for it. She's done with your relationship and you should really try to put her in the past. Don't even return her texts or emails or you're a wimp.

 

Sorry, Chris. This doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell.

 

You're too mature for her.

[chrissreef]

hehe, thanks =)

 

i like this crystal ball =P

 

yea, i know i'm in denial still and am trying to move on - i get like 1% better every day. it's still shocking from what i know about her (values, interests, our chemistry etc). she's never been a bar girl etc.

 

i was more curious if they would work but it doesn't matter and is totally possible it sounds like.

 

/cheers! =)

[Touche]

hehe, thanks =)

 

i like this crystal ball =P

 

yea, i know i'm in denial still and am trying to move on - i get like 1% better every day. it's still shocking from what i know about her (values, interests, our chemistry etc). she's never been a bar girl etc.

 

i was more curious if they would work but it doesn't matter and is totally possible it sounds like.

 

/cheers! =)

 

It's not that you don't know her well, Chris. It's that she doesn't know herself well. She's still trying to find out who she is. I was the same way at her age...kind of immature and not grown up yet. You are.

 

You're very welcome and trust me...I have no crystal ball. It's just life experience, that's all. I've sure made my share of stupid mistakes including hanging on to someone who was wrong for me.

 

I hope your progress continues - but at a faster pace.

 

Why not ask someone out for a date?

[chrissreef]

I have... took 2 girls out but i'm still in comparing mode it seems.

 

need to heal more I'm thinking. i could use a f buddy but i don't want a rebound or to jump into a relationship unless i feel something... and i'm not in a healed enough to do that.

 

i won't do it, but i sooooo want to stalk him and see what he's about lol

 

regarding the communication... we always talked about her friend's relationship problems, i didn't know we had problems other than the occasional arguement over something dumb.

 

anyway, ty again! =)

[Touche]

I have... took 2 girls out but i'm still in comparing mode it seems.

 

need to heal more I'm thinking. i could use a f buddy but i don't want a rebound or to jump into a relationship unless i feel something... and i'm not in a healed enough to do that.

 

i won't do it, but i sooooo want to stalk him and see what he's about lol

 

regarding the communication... we always talked about her friend's relationship problems, i didn't know we had problems other than the occasional arguement over something dumb.

 

anyway, ty again! =)

 

You're more than welcome. And trust me, you don't sound like the FWB type. You're one of those rare guys that any girl would be so lucky to have.

 

Don't laugh at me but you're someone who should really consider dating girls a few years older than you. I'm not kidding. You're a mature and good guy. Most girls 25 and under will not appreciate you.

 

Please forget about this clown she's seeing. He sounds like a baby. Even your ex kind of said so. I mean really...read between the lines.

 

mature, but doesn't act his age"./QUOTE]

 

Does that even make sense, Chris? No. It means he's a big, uneducated, immature, party boy of a baby. She'll tire of him real fast.

 

But so what? You'll have moved on by then, right?

 

You have a graduate degree, Chris? Is that true? Because for someone so smart you're acting pretty dumb. You want to stalk him? Come on. I sure hope you don't mean that.

 

Look, I'll save you the trouble. All you would see is a big immature baby who doesn't hold a candle to you. See, now you don't have to stalk him!

 

He's not in your league...and nor is she.

 

You're better. Believe it.

[chrissreef]

hehe, yea... i don't "mean" it. it's more that i'm competitive and like to know how i lost in things so i can improve in the future - not that i would learn much from him other than he's the exact opposite of me probably.

 

when i first found out who it was, i kind of laughed on the inside (and cried on the outside). then i saw his picture and laughed again.

 

she says i'm amazing and too good for her. i guess nice guys finish last. either she'll come back crawling or i'll find someone eventually. she mentioned "friendship" once... that's tough to swallow right now and prob would never happen.

 

it would be interesting to see what happens in the next 1-2 yrs =) wish i had a crystal ball!

[Touche]

hehe, yea... i don't "mean" it. it's more that i'm competitive and like to know how i lost in things so i can improve in the future - not that i would learn much from him other than he's the exact opposite of me probably.

 

So what. What's so wrong with being who you are and having someone who loves you for who YOU are? Just because SHE doesn't appreciate you doesn't mean someone won't love you just the way you already are.

 

when i first found out who it was, i kind of laughed on the inside (and cried on the outside). then i saw his picture and laughed again.

 

she says i'm amazing and too good for her. i guess nice guys finish last. either she'll come back crawling or i'll find someone eventually. she mentioned "friendship" once... that's tough to swallow right now and prob would never happen.

 

Stop it. Nice guys DON'T finish last...unless they pine away over girls who aren't in the same league as they are. Then, yes. They finish last. Forget "friendship" with her. That's just to keep you hanging on like I said before. She gets off on sad little Chris pining for me. I can have Chris whenever I want.

 

it would be interesting to see what happens in the next 1-2 yrs =) wish i had a crystal ball!

 

Oh LOOK! I just found my crystal ball! I thought I lost it a long time ago but no...i just found it in the basement.

 

I'm looking...hold on. I had to dust it off.

 

It says that in the next 1 - 2 years you're going to say "who?" when anyone mentions her name. She'll be history and you'll have found someone who has a little better idea about what she wants. You're going to find a woman...not a girl.

[chrissreef]

you make me lol irl! =) thank you!

[SeattleGirl]

Ohh, can I play too?

 

I'm eighteen and he's nineteen. I've been in one other long-term relationship that lasted four years on and off. He's been in one that was three months on and off.

 

We've been dating seven months now, known each other for ten months, no children.

 

The Good: He has a lot of the same (unusual) interests/hobbies that I do, he makes me smile and laugh frequently when I spend time with him, he doesn't have any personality traits that press my insecurity buttons, and my love for him is healthier than my last relationship.

 

The Bad: Most (lately, all) of our disagreements turn into arguments. My previous relationship turned out horribly, and the pressure I feel not to have this one turn out this way sometimes overwhelms me and causes problems with us, because I'll freak out over things I normally wouldn't.

 

I guess that's it.