What's the best way to bring up "us"?

[monkophile]

There is a situation that, well, has been going on now for five years, but especially since last summer. The below link is the whole story to help you get a better understanding of what's going on to answer my question:

 

http://help.com/post/252006-please-help-my-emotions-are-all-s#myLast

 

Here's the question: I am coming home for Easter for about six days. I have already told this guy I am coming home where he replied "great" and told me when he'd be off.

 

I think it is beneficial for both of us to have an honest, face-to-face talk about what is going on between "us." All this flirting and his hot/cold demeanor is very confusing. I admit I really, really like him but something is pulling me back. It's not the age difference as the shock is over once I found out his age. I know he's a former teacher so he can't get into trouble, but still. He is extremely quiet, shy and sensitive (like me) and just saying "so what's going on between you and me" may make him even more scared and deeper into his shell and I'll never have any answers. I'm thinking of asking him if he'd like a dinner and a movie type of thing (or at least a movie) where the movie can (hopefully) be held at his house so he can be as comfortable as possible. What do you think? Please help me as I really want to get this elephant out of the room (or whatever that term is) so that there is no tension or awkardness between us and we know what each of us think of the other person. Because this unknowing is literally driving me crazy!

[Geishawhelk]

Boy, you really have got yourself into a pickle, haven't you?

 

I hate to say it, but when all else fails, you have to become the mahout.

 

 

You're going to have to take charge of the Elephant - and yes.

 

The only way as I see it, is to say to him, point-blank, no messing:

 

"so what's going on between you and me" ?

 

You will never know, otherwise.

You will forever be in this perpetual state of limbo, because you know what?

If he hasn't discussed this with you yet, he never will.

Not under his own steam.

 

Time to "hup-hup" Jumbo....

[monkophile]

Thanks. Perhaps I could start things off a little slower by starting out "hey (his name). If I ask you a question, could you give me an honest answer?" And then ask the question. Perhaps it won't be as in-your-face??

[Geishawhelk]

Nope.

 

That immediately puts him on his guard.

 

"Hey <name>, if I ask you a question, could you give me an honest answer?" *

 

 

(pause).

 

"Weeeell....that all depends what it is....."

 

Remember, he's a teacher. he's used to cocky people asking him questions....

 

 

*(this by the way, is what's known as a closed-ended question. It's phrased in such a way as to let the person either say 'yup' or 'nope'.)

 

You need to phrase it in an open-ended way.

Start it off with one of the following:

 

Who, why, what, when, where, how.....

Any questions begun with these words, cannot be answered with monosyllabic responses.

[monkophile]

Nope.

 

That immediately puts him on his guard.

 

%#&@, I hate shy guys, LOL

 

You need to phrase it in an open-ended way.

Start it off with one of the following:

 

Who, why, what, when, where, how.....

Any questions begun with these words, cannot be answered with monosyllabic responses.

 

Thanks. (sigh) I just need to get some courage to bring something up as I am as painfully shy as he is and not good starting things like this off.

[whichwayisup]

You need to take the bull by the horns on this one. Just say what's on your mind and get it over with. For weeks now you've been on and on about this guy..It's time to find out what he thinks and feels - Reguardless if it's negative or positive, you need to know.

 

Remember, he's a grown man, not an insecure teen. He's been around the block many times so I'm pretty sure he has some idea of what you're feeling.

[Island Girl]

Thanks. Perhaps I could start things off a little slower by starting out "hey (his name). If I ask you a question, could you give me an honest answer?" And then ask the question. Perhaps it won't be as in-your-face??

 

That question is ridiculously immature.

 

It is akin to "do you like me check box 1 for yes or 2 for no".

 

As the others have said you are going to have to take the bull by the hors on this one.

 

I know you have written about him before here - you must not have been happy about those answers or it was a different question...

wasn't he ignoring you -- or you hadn't heard from him or something...?

 

In any event, as stated you are going to have to put it out there.

 

If he is watching a movie at his house alone with you that is more of an indicator that he is interested in you.

If that happens you can always make it plainly obvious you're interested and put him in a position where he has a very clear invitation to kiss you.

 

If you are uncomfortable with that your other option is to be blatantly honest and just tell him, "I have felt we have something clicking between us. Do you feel it too?".

[monkophile]

Thanks a lot for your advice and I apologize for going on and on about this guy. It's just I literally can't stop thinking about him; it's like 24/7 and it's very annoying. I just have 30-some days until I'm home for Easter then I can FINALLY know what's going on. I just want to make this right and not lose a friendship.

[Island Girl]

Thanks a lot for your advice and I apologize for going on and on about this guy. It's just I literally can't stop thinking about him; it's like 24/7 and it's very annoying. I just have 30-some days until I'm home for Easter then I can FINALLY know what's going on. I just want to make this right and not lose a friendship.

 

You don't have o worry about going on and on! That is why this forum is here. So you can get out what you need to get out and get answers if you have questions, etc.

 

That isn't what I was saying. I just noticed when you posted the link for past story you didn't post the link from LS. And I know the same story is somewhere around here! lol

 

So have you been in communication with him lately?

Because aren't I right that he wasn't communicating any more?

[monkophile]

So have you been in communication with him lately?

Because aren't I right that he wasn't communicating any more?

 

It had been nearly two months to the day when out of the blue he replied to an email I sent him (this was a week ago last Tuesday). He thanked me for keeping in touch, asked me if I was going to be home for Easter and ended it with "I've had a rough term." not sure if it's school or personal. So I told him it was great to hear from him and ended it with "rough term - are you okay?" But nothing. Once I found out I got the okay from my boss to go home for a few days for Easter I emailed him and he told me it was good news and to let him know when I'm in town and ended it with telling me what days he has off during break.

 

I plan to not bombard him with too many emails, don't want to spook him. His birthday is at the end of this month, so other than sending him a happy birthday email, I plan on nothing until I'm home.

[Island Girl]

I think that's a good plan.

 

The best thing I can tell you is do not be timid. I am not saying throw yourself at him but don't dance around this anymore. You have had a lot of time wrapped up in this. While you are waiting until Easter I am sure you aren't dating other people.

 

So you really need to find out for sure on this break if there is anything between the two of you.

If so, great, no more wasted time.

If not, then you can freely move on to someone else.

[monkophile]

I think that's a good plan.

 

The best thing I can tell you is do not be timid. I am not saying throw yourself at him but don't dance around this anymore. You have had a lot of time wrapped up in this. While you are waiting until Easter I am sure you aren't dating other people.

 

So you really need to find out for sure on this break if there is anything between the two of you.

If so, great, no more wasted time.

If not, then you can freely move on to someone else.

 

100% agree Just have to hope I have the courage to say what's on my mind or at least ask him what is going on:o Thanks a lot!

[Island Girl]

Actions speak louder than words - if he's shy as you say, then you should probably make sure you are giving him very clear signals that you are into him.

 

I hope you have a feel for that kind of thing.

 

If not then yes, you are going to have to be pretty frank which can be more difficult. Especially if you are shy too.

[monkophile]

Actions speak louder than words - if he's shy as you say, then you should probably make sure you are giving him very clear signals that you are into him.

 

I hope you have a feel for that kind of thing.

 

If not then yes, you are going to have to be pretty frank which can be more difficult. Especially if you are shy too.

 

Yes he is quite shy - the type that if he says a particular thing he blushes immediately (and I'm the same way, except it's even worse because anytime I just see someone I like I blush so I give myself away )

 

I definitely am going to try to cross the touch barrier. Perhaps touch his arm or if we're sitting next to each other (hopefully at his house watching a movie ) I can pat his knee or something. That should be a big-enough hint don't you think? I'm sure guys - regardless of age - know THAT signal.

[whichwayisup]

Actually, if you're sitting together and watching a move, offer him a neck and shoulder massage. If he's interested, you'll know soon enough, especially if he offers to give you a massage as well...

[Geishawhelk]

A friend of mine was in a similar situation with a guy, who, whilst not too much older than she was, also seemed completely vague and non-communicative/committal on what was going on.

 

During an afternoon together, she suddenly got up from her chair, went to his, and just sat on his lap, straddling him, and facing him...

He was somewhat taken aback and said ..."Whoa.... this is unexpected...." but he was smiling.

She began undoing his shirt... and told him she was taking thir relationship up a knotch....

"Does it need taking up...?" he asked.

 

Ooooh dear.

 

She stopped, and got off his lap, replying:

 

"Obviously not. But that's fine. Now I know where we're at.

And that would be 'nowhere'. It's OK. At least I know."

 

She then picked up her coat, without a word, and left his flat.

 

She never heard from him again, but was glad she did what she did, because they'd been going on at stalemate for seven months......

 

 

 

 

You need to be prepared for whatever comes, but at least, you'll know.

[Island Girl]

I definitely am going to try to cross the touch barrier. Perhaps touch his arm or if we're sitting next to each other (hopefully at his house watching a movie ) I can pat his knee or something. That should be a big-enough hint don't you think? I'm sure guys - regardless of age - know THAT signal.

 

If you want a clear answer then the touch on the knee - especially a "pat" may not be enough.

 

WWIU had more of an idea with the massage suggestion.

 

You said you are shy too and you are going to need stifle those feelings and become quite a bit more brazen then usual.

You DO want a clear answer after all, don't you?

No more mulling this over and dreaming of the possibility if there isn't one, right?

 

So make sure you get your answer. Then you can either embark on a romantic journey together or you can be free to pursue another without thoughts of him.

[monkophile]

Actually, if you're sitting together and watching a move, offer him a neck and shoulder massage. If he's interested, you'll know soon enough, especially if he offers to give you a massage as well...

 

I hear what you're saying as I need to be more aggressive, but...I don't know I just have a bad feeling about how that would play out. Because he is SO shy and he knows I am SO shy, just offering him a neck and shoulder massage may scare him. I don't know, maybe I'm thinking too much into that. But I do know for a fact I have to try SOMETHING. Of course, since he had that "rough term" perhaps he may be tense and take me up on my offer. In that case, it just may work out

 

One thing I know for certain - I am not leaving home without an answer!

[Island Girl]

Because he is SO shy and he knows I am SO shy, just offering him a neck and shoulder massage may scare him.

 

If you don't make a bold move or put it out there in some kind of a blatant fashion the two of you could dance around this for quite some time.

 

You are just going to have to bite the bullet.

 

If it "scares him" then he wasn't interested. Don't make excuses for that.

Don't over think it and imagine you "scared him" because you put yourself out there because if he is interested (just shy) he'll appreciate that and respond favorably.

 

If he doesn't respond in apositive way then you were wasting your time in the first place and be GLAD you won't waste any more on someone who isn't feeling the same way.

 

Think about it. You are shy. And if he just made a bold move and kissed you - you'd be thrilled not "scared". So do not get into your own head already finding ways to continue thinking of him as a potential if you get rebuffed in some way.

 

Just be willing to accept it EITHER WAY it goes.

[monkophile]

if he is interested (just shy) he'll appreciate that and respond favorably.

 

Never thought of that...yeah I'll give something like that a shot.

 

I think what my problem is I'm rather pessimistic and if we don't get together, I don't want to lose his friendship which I value deeply. But I guess in this situation it's either/or, right? If I make a move and he doesn't think that way, we can't return to being friends, right? I think that's what's holding me back.

[Island Girl]

I think what my problem is I'm rather pessimistic and if we don't get together, I don't want to lose his friendship which I value deeply. But I guess in this situation it's either/or, right? If I make a move and he doesn't think that way, we can't return to being friends, right? I think that's what's holding me back.

 

You may be able to be friends - some can.

 

But if you value the friendship that much you CAN just forget about him romantically and find somebody else.

 

That means you are going to have to stop obsessing about him in that way - and just give up the idea of having that type of relationship completely.

 

Which it doesn't seem like you can since you are obsessing over him and haven't had much communication with him in months.

 

But only you can make that call.

[monkophile]

Thanks a lot you guys. Wish me luck I'll let you guys know what happens when I get back after EAster if you want.

[Island Girl]

Absolutely let us know!

 

Good Luck!

[monkophile]

hey guys, quick update:

 

I am soooo happy and excited I can barely contain myself, LOL.

 

The prof responded to an email this morning - the first time I’ve heard from him in about three weeks! I was teasing him about the weather and other things. Perhaps I’m reading too much into this or it’s just my excitement getting the better of me, but he ended his email with “see you Easter.”

 

He has never, ever said “see you” somewhere before - not even for Christmas. Am I right where it sounds like he’s thinking of me and can’t wait to see me?

 

I think I have him hooked, whether he wants to admit it or not.

 

(sigh) 15 days til I get home and 16 days til I see him….but who’s counting?

[Island Girl]

He has never, ever said “see you” somewhere before - not even for Christmas. Am I right where it sounds like he’s thinking of me and can’t wait to see me?

 

Good sign you got an e-mail -- but how is it that you were teasing him and this is the first response you got...

 

I am not understanding that.

 

Good sign he sent an e-mail.

 

As far as thinking of you - well did his e-mail come out of the blue? Again I am confused as to how this happened.

 

And I can't say that it means he can't wait to see you.

He obviously is planning on seeing you but is he jumping out of his knickers? Hmmm that remains to be seen.

 

These words can be the same used friend to friend.

 

Still too difficult to tell.

 

But I am glad you will be able to find out shortly -- when you see him and make a more definite move as an interested woman with no way to interpret the action as friendship.