Dating a Divorcee

[alwayswondering]

I am 27 and just started seeing a man who is 35 and divorced, no children. I have never dated anyone who is divorced and it is kind of different. I am afraid that if we get serious, it will not be as special to him since he has already been there and done that. If we get married, I will not be the first he has a wedding with or the first he lives with...........Idon't mean to sound selfish, it is just different. I guess I am wondering if divorced men see later relationships as not as important as their first marriage and how they feel about that.

 

Also, is he too old for me? Am I too young to date someone who has been married when I have not even lived with anyone before. My family does not approve at all. They say he is too old and is "tainted" because he is divorced and that I can never trust him. I know I have to make myself happy, not my parents, but it is so hard to live my life without their approval. They make my life a living hell without it. I just want their approval and to hear someone say what I am doing is ok. I have a good job, master's degree, my own place to live..................am I stupid or are they?

[moimeme]

Nobody's stupid. It sounds like your folks have concerns, though I can't conceive of how they might not know other divorced people who remarried successfully.

 

" I can never trust him."

 

Much would depend on the reasons for his divorce and how he now deals with the reasons. If he cheated and blames his ex, this would be a bad sign. If he blames his ex for everything, also not a good sign. How he describes the marriage breakdown and what he's done to deal with it will be very revealing as to what sort of fellow he is. If he used the experience to learn and grow, then you will probably be very lucky. Sometimes it takes a relationship breakdown (or two!) to shake people out of certain complacencies, bad habits, etc.

 

People who have been married and have made some mistakes have, one hopes, learned from them. IMHO it is in a way 'safer' to marry someone who's been down the road already because it is likelier he will have a better sense of what's needed to keep a marriage alive.

 

Or maybe not. Depends on how introspective he is.

 

As for being 'tainted' or worrying about how much experience either of you has, it's not an issue. People learn through experience. You're just getting someone who knows his way around is all.

 

"I am wondering if divorced men see later relationships as not as important as their first marriage"

 

I suppose it's possible if the divorced man didn't want the first marriage to break up and is still in love with the first wife - in which case flee anyway. However, many more divorced men are bitter and cynical about their first marriages than are nostalgic, I suspect.

[Thor]

An eight year difference between you and he shouldn't be a problem. One of the differences that I do see will be the experiences that he had when he was married. Maybe he's the type of fellow, as moimeme suggested, that has learned from the experience or not. I, for one, can not indulge at a guess which one to be true. It's definitely something that you will need to consider.

 

Is he open to discuss is previous marriage? How does he describe it? You can learn something from his descriptions as, once again, moimeme describes above.

 

Now, I've never dated a divorcee before, but I am one now. I can tell you, from my point of view, that the relationships that I develop in the future will all be special in one fashion or another. Each one will be different and therefore will be special in their own unique way. If your fellow is the same then you shouldn't need to worry about that.

 

Your parents are an interesting point to say the least. I do not doubt that they view a divorced man to be unworthy of your love. Maybe some of that is based on some myths about divorced men that they believe in, or maybe they know the man you're seeing? In either case, you'll need to make a decision whether or not to please your parents in this situation. If you do so, be prepared as you will have set a precedent with them or maybe it has already been set. That their will is greater than yours, and that you need their approval for all things in life. The flip side to that is that your parents will make your life a "living hell" as you put it. Sorry, not much help with that situation.

[alwayswondering]

My parents have not met him. I keep thinking that a marriage is not that different than a serious relationship, just on a legal piece of paper, right? I have been in serious relationships before, almost married in one. If I would have married him, I would be divorced now. I would not be much different than I am now, I think at least. He said she cheated, of course, what man is going to take the blame and say he cheated. I don't know the truth and do not know her to ask. Of course, I am getting to the age now where everyone I meet is divorced. At least he does not have kids. I, like every woman, dreamed of having a big, special wedding and an concerned that if we were to get married, it would not be as special to him because it is not his first time.

[Gaz]

Sigh..

 

I am divorced. I was married for five years, and two years ago I told my wife I wanted to end it. I didn't find someone else, I just realized that I'd been kidding myself for some time into thinking that our marraige was solid, when it just wasn't. She was far from happy about it, but now, two years on, we're good friends.

 

For the record. My marraige and subsequent divorce taught me a lot about myself as a person. It taught me about what I want in a person. It taught me to look deeper into someone. It taught me that when (or indeed if) the right person comes along, they will be amazingly special.

 

Unfortunately, it also taught me that there are a lot of really friggin' judgemental people out there. People who assume that because I'm divorced, that I am somehow "damaged goods".

 

See past it. If his being divorced is an issue for you, sit down with him and talk about it. Find out why he was divorced. If there's a case of infidelity or something... then maybe you have cause to worry. As to a wedding not being special for him because he's already done it? Well, I don't mean to sound harsh, but for the most part, us guys don't give a toss about the wedding day, we care more about the person we've just married than the amount of tiers on the cake.

 

Although by your way of thinking, the fact that I've had sex already means that from now on it won't be as good... damn!!!!

[moimeme]

He said she cheated, of course, what man is going to take the blame and say he cheated. I don't know the truth

 

This doesn't sound good. Don't you trust him? If you don't think he is honest about this, you better think a lot more about what you are doing. Honesty and trust are critical elements to successful relationships; to start out not believing him on an issue as important as this is pretty big.

[quankanne]

we care more about the person we've just married than the amount of tiers on the cake.

 

well, Gaz, that's a sweet sentiment, if I may say so myself. Interestingly enough, I get the feeling that a lot of fellows feel the same way -- they're more focused on "she and I" rather than a big party announcing their wedded state!

 

TN, you've got a lot of valid concerns, but the person you need to be sharing them with is the guy you're dating. We can only conjecture what he, as a divorced male, might be feeling or what actually took place to end his marriage, and he's the only one who can tell you. At this point, though, you're putting the cart way before the horse -- it sounds like you're at the beginning stages of a relationship, and marriage is far off. Don't worry about that stuff just yet, because you might find that you two are a mis-match early on.

 

If you do pursue a relationship with said divorced guy, don't look at him as damaged goods, esp. if he's a good, decent fellow. Look at him as the rare jewel his ex-wife was too blind to see. It's very hard being the Next Mrs. So and So, because you'll be unfairly judged by the people who knew his ex-wife. But, you can try your damned hardest to be the LAST Mrs. So and So, the one who made a difference in his life, be damned what others say.

 

I am my husband's third wife, and it took us both awhile to adjust to the fact that there was no need to compare me to his first two wives. In some instances, I think I'm a far superior choice, in others, I don't feel that way. But I have realized that even though I'm not his first, I am the one who, every day for the last 11 years, he feels is the one person he wants to spend the rest of his life with. And it feels damned good, to be honest, because even though those other two women were married to him first, I've got him for good!