Trialbyfire Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Just wondering who's ever had an LDR before. How did it go? Mine crashed and burned, a little under a year ago, for all kinds of reasons, some distance related, others just incompatibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Nicodaemos Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 yea, so far, made like Robot Jocks. Crash and Burn. maybe, but i hope not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted March 7, 2009 Author Share Posted March 7, 2009 I had to google Robot Jox. It was described as a "defiantly mediocre movie". It sounds like you've got some hope that this will work out. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Nicodaemos Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 nah, that movie was awesome. there isnt much better than giant robots battling each other to pieces. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Out of sheer bad luck, both of my previous relationships were LDR at one point or another. Both crashed not really because of the distance, as I realize now, but rather because in the case of the first guy, he was a callous selfish brat, and in the case of the second guy, we just weren't compatible. However, the distance did exacerbate the problems and made them more obvious... although I believe if I had been purely IRL with both of them I would have broken up with them anyway, albeit later. Perhaps in a way the distance opened my eyes and allowed me to see things more clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted March 7, 2009 Author Share Posted March 7, 2009 However, the distance did exacerbate the problems and made them more obvious... Yes, problems are exacerbated but would have existed IRL! I think with LDRs, it takes much longer to figure this out since with real life relationships, there's the rare person who can hide body language. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 I was a younger me, I've went through a few LDRs. They all went poof. Some due to separate colleges, post college, and one was just life and career got into things. I think LDRs are more work than they are worth. I've made some bad decisions while in LDRs. I won't do anymore LDRs unless married and I know it is temporary situation. example: she is at the new house in another area while I'm selling the old house. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted March 7, 2009 Author Share Posted March 7, 2009 I think LDRs are more work than they are worth. Hear, hear! Totally agree. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 LDRs can also create a false sense of excitement or infatuation because you're always longing for the other person, and your (often brief) times together take on a magical quality. I experienced this with my last boyfriend. After 6-7 months of being long distance, when we were finally seeing each other on a daily basis and the relationship lost its glow, basic incompatibilities emerged. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted March 7, 2009 Author Share Posted March 7, 2009 If you consider most LDRs, people connect at the beginning through cyberspace. It's all fantasy. The "successful" LDRs seem to be where people started in RL for extended lengths of time such as a year or years, but are separated for assorted different reasons with an end in sight for the separation. When people start in RL for an extended length of time, they get to know the real person and can properly gauge/address the real chemistry and real compatibility issues. Link to post Share on other sites
KikiW Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Wow, listening to you guys I am getting completely bummed about my LDR. Met a guy last spring, we started talking seriously during the summer, met for the first time last October and have been seeing each other every other month or so. It's been a challenge, because we enjoy each other's company so much, have so much in common, and really can't wait to spend in-person time together permanently, but we have stuff we need to take care of before that can happen. Our "end of the tunnel" is tentatively by the holidays this year, if all goes well. And yeah, I have doubts. I am worried about the cultural differences (I'm a Jersey girl, he's a Bama Boy), I am worried about the job market, I am worried about our relationships with friends and family. But I know we communicate incredibly well, and we have our sights on what we want in life, including being with each other. Someone once told me this is a risk, but it's an acceptable risk. I am not going to allow the potential love of my life to slip away because I was too scared to go for it and go "all in". Life's too short. I think anything is possible if you are willing to work for it. An LDR should be the same as long as you're both willing to work for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted March 7, 2009 Author Share Posted March 7, 2009 Someone once told me this is a risk, but it's an acceptable risk. I am not going to allow the potential love of my life to slip away because I was too scared to go for it and go "all in". Life's too short. I won't disagree with this. Whether it works or not, as long as you know the risks and consider them acceptable, life's too short to not try for long shots. As long as the two of you aren't just on your best behaviours and are being yourselves, why not? I guess my issues are when people behave in a certain way at the beginning, then become someone totally different afterwards. On the otherhand, this happens in real life too. The guy/girl who pretzels themselves at the beginning, in order to "get" the other person. Pet peeve of mine! With an LDR, it's easier to do this by hiding behind a monitor and keyboard. Link to post Share on other sites
Nicodaemos Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 yea, there are differences, and yea, there are hard to find LDR that work, but, how often have people had regular relationships that work out right away and dont flop out. The reason there is a section for LDR, is because they need special care and consideration that a regular physically close relationship doesnt come into play. In a regular relationship, people dont have to say that they are feeling down, because its easier to tell, physical movements, sighing, behavior, all the markers of intuition are gone in an LDR. It also imposes an absolute trust in another person. If you cant believe and accept what the other person says as absolute truth, it will fail. If they cant accept what you say as truth, it will fail. Words are all there are in an LDR. But, being long distance forces people to form a close, unbreakable bond with another person. forces you to bare your soul, and, when reciprocated, makes a connection that otherwise wouldnt exist between two people. LDR are hard, but yes, they can be worth it. I still say that even though mine just ended because of her not trusting me. her not believeing me. They can work, its not common, but how many relationships work in the regular world anyway? Link to post Share on other sites
Stockalone Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 I think LDRs are more work than they are worth. Based on my one LDR, I'd have to say it didn't take more effort than a "normal" relationship. LDRs take a different emotional toll than a normal relationship, but I don't think it's more work. Just different. However, we did see each other every weekend or every other weekend, I am sure it is different for those people who live an ocean or a continent apart and can't see each other for months at times. If you consider most LDRs, people connect at the beginning through cyberspace. It's all fantasy. I think this is because people fill in the blanks (which are unavoidable in such circumstances) with what they think the other person is like or even what they want the other person to be like. There is a lot of room for error and there are probably high (fantasy based) expectations that are hard to meet in reality. But I believe that it is possible for such relationships to survive. If they survive the early stages, where the fantasy filled gaps and the real person meet, I believe they have an even better chance than other LDRs if they survive that inital, crucial hurdle. The "successful" LDRs seem to be where people started in RL for extended lengths of time such as a year or years, but are separated for assorted different reasons with an end in sight for the separation. When people start in RL for an extended length of time, they get to know the real person and can properly gauge/address the real chemistry and real compatibility issues. I agree. I believe it is easier that way, and if you are willing to do the long distance, there is already long-term thinking involved and there is determination to make this relationship work. But as I said above, I do believe that relationships that started online can get to that same point, but it is harder to get there. I believe that is what will make or break an online relationship. And to answer your original question: Just wondering who's ever had an LDR before. How did it go? Unfortunately, it didn't work out. I don't think the distance was responsible, but it certainly wasn't an advantage either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted March 7, 2009 Author Share Posted March 7, 2009 I think this is because people fill in the blanks (which are unavoidable in such circumstances) with what they think the other person is like or even what they want the other person to be like. There is a lot of room for error and there are probably high (fantasy based) expectations that are hard to meet in reality.Yes! There's definitely this aspect! Kind of like this equation: (1 + 1)*x = 8x Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 It's always fantasy in the beginning, LDR or IRL. When you meet someone for the first few dinner dates, is it not 'fantasy'? Do you truly know the person, how he really thinks, what skeletons he keeps in his closet? What you see is only the 'face' that he puts on during those few hours with you, in that place, just between the two of you. I think there are aspects that are more likely to remain hidden when you first meet someone online -- their family, of course, their mannerisms, the way they speak, look, act, etc. These can all be alleviated to a point with webcams and phones but definitely still exist. There are, however, aspects that are also more likely to remain hidden in the casual IRL dinner date. LDRs are all about 'talking', hence you would tend to talk more about deep, personal stuff early on, instead of niceties and 'would you pass the salt, please?' Also, some people tend to be less inhibited about their opinions and personality online. Thus after a few weeks of pure talking online, you would probably know the dark deep corners of your 'date's mind better than if you had had a few movies and dinners together. These all, of course, refer to relationships where both parties genuinely TRY to be honest -- where conpeople and liars are concerned, online is far easier to hide, definitely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted March 7, 2009 Author Share Posted March 7, 2009 Thus after a few weeks of pure talking online, you would probably know the dark deep corners of your 'date's mind better than if you had had a few movies and dinners together.In my current RL engagement, we talk everyday and see each other about 2 - 3 times a week, so I'll have to disagree to an extent, in that it's not reduced to a few movies and dinners together. These all, of course, refer to relationships where both parties genuinely TRY to be honest -- where conpeople and liars are concerned, online is far easier to hide, definitely.You bet! Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 In an LDR - for a long time. Committed to being together come what may - no matter what. I don't think LDRs have more or less chance of working out. Most relationships in a persons lifetime fail, right? And that goes for RL or LD. You just keep going until you find the one that does work. However that happens is how it happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 In my current RL engagement, we talk everyday and see each other about 2 - 3 times a week, so I'll have to disagree to an extent, in that it's not reduced to a few movies and dinners together. I meant in the beginning... not after engagement. Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoasterr Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 LDRs are hard, no doubt. My relationship has been LDR from the start. But I can honestly tell you that I have the most loving, caring and understanding relationship of any couple I know. But I don't think that LDRs have more or less chances of survival than RL ones, just like IG said. My SO proposed to me last weekend. I couldn't be happier right now. But I'm not clouded about this. We've had our fights, and its not been anything about communication, or him not contacting me; its been the same every day stuff as a RL couple goes through. What I'm trying to say is that relationships are hard, no matter what. Its the love that matters, but you have to be realistic about it and NOT live in a fantasy. Okay typing on my blackberry isn't working out too well at the moment. I'm going to enjoy my last minutes with my fiance before he makes his drive back to montreal tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted March 8, 2009 Author Share Posted March 8, 2009 I meant in the beginning... not after engagement.So did I! Congrats on your engagement Rollercoasterr. Your ring is lovely. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Oh im sure you were 'just wondering'.. why is it that you are so desperite to rub salt into the wounds of a certain LS member? Some feud we are all unaware of? Where have I been? And you are aware of this when you are a new member with one post -- this one? I am really confused! It seems you are the only one having some kind of "insider spat" -- ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Trialbyfire Posted March 8, 2009 Author Share Posted March 8, 2009 Island Girl, it's okay. It appears I've acquired a cyber-troll who keeps reposting the same thing, with each new username and there have been a few of those... I'm guessing it's a medication issue but CBT might help. If at all possible, let's not feed the troll. It's not worth the energy. Okay, back to LDRs, shall we? Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Okay, back to LDRs, shall we? Quite right then! Just thought I was completely in the dark. It happens sometimes since I am stuck on my island...LOL!! So back to the subject at hand. LDRs! My specialty!! Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 That probably would have been more effective if you had posted it under your regular username. Just saying... Lol, no doubt. I like the "on purpose" spelling mistakes.... "Didunt". Link to post Share on other sites
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