My girlfriend gave me an STD

[rjr]

[i started dating my current girlfriend 10 months ago. We were friends for a year and a half before that, while going to graduate school. During our friendship I got to know a lot about her. I'd always loved that she respected herself and always showed kindness towards me and others.

 

I'd somewhat known her ex-boyfriend through school and he'd cheated on her with a few girls (and a guy too). I never felt insecure about him because I knew it was over once they broke up. I also knew that she truly did like him from the start so she was only following her heart and I saw nothing to be insecure about since it was just a legitimate attempt at trying to find the right person for her.

 

But a few weeks ago, I found out that she had hooked up twice with another graduate student, before I went out with her and after her ex-boyfriend, who was married and was going through marital problems. I know she was single at the time and that was her choice but she was still friends with him after they stopped hooking up which leads into my insecurites.

 

More than a few times while we were going out, he'd come into town and she'd ask me if I would like to hang out with him and I would blindly say "of course." After innocently asking her if anything had happened between them, she told me that they hooked up twice. I had no idea that they had hooked up, yet I'd sat with him at a bar telling him how awesome a person she is, not knowing (until now) that I'm talking to a married man who's "been there" with her if you know what I mean.

 

So I calmly told her that it was unfair that I was hanging out with this guy while she wasn't telling me what happened and that I felt like the biggest fool. Then, I told her (in kinder terms) that she was a hypocrite because she had always said to me and others that people who cheat are awful yet here she was doing the same thing to the married guy's wife that her ex-boyfriend had done to her (and that her dad had done to her mom and that her brother had just recently done to his wife). Then I told her that I do not feel as special to her and that I was feeling very insecure. She listened to me quietly for a few DAYS and sincerely apologized repeatedly and promised that there was nothing else she's keeping from me. The truth is that I do not see her the same way anymore and I'm too worried about what she's doing and who she might be eyeing other men, even though I know she won't do anything.

 

What really complicates the present situation is that she'd "unknowingly" given me an STD (non-lethal). We'd worked through this whole issue early in the relationshipa nd the reason we were able to work it out so well is that she reassured me that she did not know she had it before me. I totally believed her because I had to in order to continue the relationship that we both enjoyed. This particular issue was behind us until the situation with the married man arose. Now I constantly wonder if she did know she had an STD and that she may have kept it from me just like she kept her relationship with the married man from me whom I'd hung out with. Now that I have second feelings about her, I feel depressed that I'll probably never be able to find anyone else who'll accept me for the disease I carry now in my body, if I was to break up with her and look for someone else down the road. Otherwise, I also feel stuck.

 

I also find myself trying to tell her what's good for her and I know this is not healthy. Each time I talk to her, I feel like I'm talking to a different person than the one I fell in love with. I've totally vented all my insecurities to her and she's been very apologetic, patient, and doing all the right things, yet that's not enough. I sometimes feel like she needs to change her ways, but the truth is that I know that she's fine just the way she is. I'm very conflicted about this because I know she's a person who exercises good morals otherwise, and someone I should trust but I still don't trust her.

 

I had observed and learned from my parents and sisters to understand that people should possess certain moral standards, especially with respect to sex, for their own self-respect and so that their future partner can appreciate, respect and love them for it. I overlooked the STD issue because I thought she had no idea she had it until I showed symptoms (the reason I know I didn't have it because I'd gotten tested twice for it over a one year period).

 

Now I know that my expectations of women is a fairy tale and that I'm living in one also. I also feel like I'm being self-righteous and that I'm expecting too much from my past and present relationships. In fact, my last few break-ups have been caused by the same feelings I have now for my current girlfriend. My heart tells me that she is not the person for me anymore.

 

One thing I have definitely learned from past and present relationships is that it is not good for my mental well-being to feel like I do now. Whenever I feel like I do now, all I think about is whether I can ever trust the next person who comes along (or now if they will accept me regardelss of the STD). Before this situation arose with my girlfriend, I was just starting to think that I'd found the person I wanted to be with. Do I have a serious complex, am I too judgemental, and finally how can I stop feeling this way?!

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[Bryanp]

What a sad story. You sound like a good guy. Let's objectively look what you have in a girlfriend.

1) She apparently had no problems having had sex with a married man. A totally selfish attitude in which she did not care that it was hurting an innocent person.

2) She gives you a life-long STD because she was not smart enough to protect herself.

3) She tells you to hang out with an ex-lover when he comes to town not telling you that he was an ex-lover and now making you feel like a total idiot.

 

Why in the world would you want to stay in a relationship with her. It seems she has a broken moral compass and has no problem manipulating you and not telling you the whole truth at times. You need to move on and find somebody who will respect you and respect themself. Your girlfriend lacks both. You deserve better so please don't settle for so little in your life. I wish you luck.

[Nostalghia]

Originally posted by Bryanp

What a sad story. You sound like a good guy. Let's objectively look what you have in a girlfriend.

1) She apparently had no problems having had sex with a married man. A totally selfish attitude in which she did not care that it was hurting an innocent person.

2) She gives you a life-long STD because she was not smart enough to protect herself.

3) She tells you to hang out with an ex-lover when he comes to town not telling you that he was an ex-lover and now making you feel like a total idiot.

 

Why in the world would you want to stay in a relationship with her. It seems she has a broken moral compass and has no problem manipulating you and not telling you the whole truth at times. You need to move on and find somebody who will respect you and respect themself. Your girlfriend lacks both. You deserve better so please don't settle for so little in your life. I wish you luck.

I second that .... call it a day my friend and enjoy the STD on your own! :-(

[reservoirdog1]

There's nothing to be gained from staying with her. I fully agree with the above poster. First, she had an affair with a married man, not caring that she was hurting a third person. She had unprotected sex and gave you an STD. And she lied to you. She lacks morality.

 

I know what I'm talking about. My to-be-ex-wife of seven years broke down and told me a few months ago that she'd secretly been on-and-off unhappy in our marriage since the beginning, that she had one affair a few months before we got married, another a few months after, and yet another three years ago. The third was with a married man, whose wife she knew. Some of it was unprotected sex, which she engaged in freely, risking my health as well as hers. She told me she had STD and AIDS tests after the last affair ended, but now that we're splitting up, I'm having my own done because I don't trust her as far as I could throw her (I have no symptoms, but then, I'm a more responsible person than she is, and wouldn't want to infect a future partner). I even had a vasectomy after our second child was born, for her!

 

I'm like you in that I hold people to certain moral standards. The honest, faithful woman I thought I'd married was a fraud, and I still feel like an idiot for not seeing it sooner (though she works in public relations and can spin her way out of anything, so maybe I'm too hard on myself).

 

It's been a few months and I move out in 2 weeks. Frankly, I can't wait. For the last several weeks, at my instigation, we've emotionally distanced ourselves from each other: no sex, I sleep on the couch, no kissing, very little hugging, pretty functional and unemotional conversations. It's really helped -- I can't honestly look at her and say that I love her anymore. Her lies and betrayals still make me angry, which is better than the immediate aftermath of the bombshell, in which they made me sad. The anger is easier to deal with -- I just mutter to myself, "lying, cheating little slut" and that helps too. The part that gives me some perverse satisfaction is that she has said in those few weeks that she misses me. Whatever -- that's her loss. She'll probably miss me even more when I'm gone. And if she doesn't, BFD. My life will be better when I'm not sharing it with her.

 

What's also helped is posting on some other message boards. I've been assured by many people that most women are not like her, and I know they're not. Most women, I believe, want somebody honest and faithful, who will love them unconditionally, and want to love in return. You, my friend, like me, deserve somebody better, who actually possesses a sense of morality. You will get over her and she'll be stuck with her selfish actions. Rise above her -- that shouldn't be hard to do. She'll discover that what goes around, comes around, and she'll get it back in her face one day, and you won't be around to help her up. You'll be long gone. And you will have enough confidence and self-respect that you won't even feel the need to point and laugh.

[rjr]

Thank you so much for telling me about your unfortunate and tragic circumstance. It helped put things in perspective for me. I hope your tests are all negative and you can move on without receiving an unwanted "lifetime gift." I especially agree that if she doesn't have self-respect, how is she going to respect me? I'm going to wait till her school is finished for the semester and I'll ask her to be friends. It should be a very difficult experience plus she's 32 and and I'm 26 so it's my duty to not lead her on a useless relationship since her biological clock is ticking as she puts it. Well, learned some valuable lessons from you all and thank you for your support.

[reservoirdog1]

Yep, fortunately the little slut didn't give me AIDS or syphillis. I'll find out about the other non-fatal crap next week.

 

Don't feel you have to stay friends if you don't want to. Seriously... if you don't want her as your lover because she doesn't respect you and you don't trust her, why would you want her as a friend? And don't stay in the relationship temporarily just to make things easier for her school-wise -- that's her problem, not yours. You don't owe her a thing, and you have to think about yourself and what you need. If you leaving her messes her up in school, well... she should have thought of that before. Maybe she'll be a tad more honest next time. You sow the wind, you reap the whirlwind.

 

Just remind yourself... most women aren't like her. Many people have told me this, and I believe it to be true. Your girlfriend and my to-be-ex-wife are aberrations, living in a world of genuine, honest, trustworthy people. Life's too short to spend any more time than you have to with somebody who's not worthy of your trust or love.

 

A buddy of mine was dumped by his girlfriend a few years ago. They were in a restaurant and she did the usual "I hope we can still be friends." My friend thought about this for a second, then said, "no thanks, I have enough friends." He got up and walked out. End of story.

[reservoirdog1]

Clean bill of health from the clinic, no unwelcome long-term "presents". However, she'll be part of my life forever, because of our kids. God, this is messed up...

[raine]

My best friend came to me with a similar problem as far as the STD. She knew she had a disease and slept with her bf without even thinking about it. From what she says it is because she had't had an episode with it in a long time and was drinking, caught up in the moment or whatever reasons. She feels really bad about it but never told him because she didn't want to lose him. Just recently (they have been together now for close to a year I think) she said that he showed symptoms. She still didn't tell him. She said that she put out the possbility that she had it and didn't ever show symptoms and may have gave it to him rather than the other way around.

 

Would you say that is unforgivable. I don't know what to tell her, I'm not sure what advice to give. Ultimately it is her choice what to tell him and not to tell him and she says she will never tell him but she tells me about it and feels guilty.

 

Since you thought this may have happened to you I thought I would ask you.

[rjr]

It is close to unforgivable that she would not tell her boyfriend that she had it beforehand. The truth is that maybe he would not have gone out with her if he'd found out earlier, but at least she would have known that she's been true to him and most importantly to herself. These lifelong STDs do not allow the "innocent" person to choose when they catch it or not, instead unsightly symptoms show up suddenly and they usually leading to depression, grief, low self-esteem, and guilt. No one deserves that!

 

Personally, the psychological effects are worse than the physical ones. I have found myself close to tears on multiple occasions and feeling sorry for myself. I have recovered now, but each time my symptoms appear, it starts all over again. Your friend has probably figured out already that her decision to keep it secret from him is much harder than it would have been if she'd told him in the beginning. There are suppressive drugs that she could have taken on a daily basis to protect him even if she had not told him. In my case, my girlfriend does not show symptoms, but like your friend's boyfriend, I do!

 

My advice to you is to always remember that your best friend is capable of doing this awful thing to a fellow human being. Just continue to listen to her, I'm pretty sure she already knows all that she's done wrong. The damage is done already.

[rjr]

I'm so happy to hear you're perfectly fine in that respect. Hang in there, there's always hope that things can come back to normalcy. Unfortunately, this whole situation will be even harder on your kids but I'm sure your inner strength will keep you (and them) going.

[raine]

rjr

 

I understand where you are coming from and I agree. I have know her for somewhere around 10 years and don't think she did it intentionally or meant to hurt anyone. I think what she is afraid of now is that she dug herself in too deep. Since my last post I have talked to her about it more. I have found out which disease it is and its affects. Apparently on some occasions it forms warts in the personal area. Since she had found out about having it herself and used some kind of medicine for it she never showed anymore symptoms but I guess still passed it on to her bf. She already gave the impression to her bf that she didn't know she had it but claimed she could have. Her bf said that he has one wart-like thing before but he picked at it and it went away. I'm thinking he didn't have a disease and she actually did pass it on to him though. She is my best friend and I feel know she is hurting over this but I don't want to tell her to tell him the truth and then he leaves her but I don't want her to keep worrying about it either.

[rjr]

raine

 

Your friend will continue to feel guilty for a long time to come. If he completely believes her that she did not know, then he will be able to move on but she will always have that self-doubt inside her. I understand that she is your long-time friend but you have to tell her that this feeling will not go away, as long as they are together. Personally, I think it's too late to tell him so she should just keep it to herself and try to move on. Just continue to be a good friend to her and listen to her as much as possible. She'll be fine as long as she eventually figures out on her own that honesty is truly the best path for her current and future relationships.

[SLCJR]

I can totally understand where you are coming from. My boyfriend also gave me an STD that came from a married woman he was having an affair with. We have been together 2 years, and I still can't seem to shake some feelings of anger and dismay whenever I think of them together, how many people they hurt, how they could be so selfish. I am trying to let it go, and some days I feel I can kick it into the garbage, and others I feel like it's the first time I've ever heard of it. Weird??

[rjr]

I have read your thread and I agree that your situation is as close as it comes to mine. "1 lie in the beginning affected my whole life" totally sums up the situation. My girlfriend and I are also doing very well, despite the STD issue, but I still bring it up to her when it becomes mentally overwhelming. Just like your boyfriend, the subject is all too painful for her because it makes her feel guilty, but at the same time, it has helped me get over it. It's a fine line I have to walk between causing her to be too defensive and me honestly expressing all my frustrations to her.

 

I believe that I (and maybe you) could have gotten over the marital affair issue if the affair had not led to me (or us) contracting an STD. I have read your thread and some of the responses are true, that previous relationships should be put behind us, but in your case, your bf's coworkers joke about it which makes it way more tougher than my situation. Somehow, the joking has got to stop because it brings up painful feelings again.

 

SLCJR Quote: "I am trying to let it go, and some days I feel I can kick it into the garbage, and others I feel like it's the first time I've ever heard of it. Weird??" Your feelings are not weird. I can go a whole month without thinking about it and then suddenly I'm dealing with it all over again and I experience the same feelings I had the first time. The cold fact is that partners in our lives may come and go, but we still have to deal with the same STD for the rest of our lives.

 

Despite that fact, we should remember that we are lucky to be alive and that there are people out there who suffer and/or die from even more serious conditions. We have to forgive our partners or we'll only be hurting ourselves. They've moved on and we should try to do the same. Stay strong!!! THANK YOU for your reply, it helps a lot.

[SLCJR]

rjr,

 

I agree with you by saying that I totally would have gotten over him having an affair with a married woman had it not resulted in an STD. I've tried to convey this to him - his past wouldn't be a problem if it wasn't affecting my present/future. So like you, sometimes I bring the subject up when I am espcially feeling down about it. I guess the hard part is trying to get my emotions straight, and not pick a fight or put him down. I know he didn't do it on purpose, and I know he's sorry. But because I feel like I got the short end of the stick, I get really upset from time to time. It's so UNFAIR!!!

 

It's also very confusing, because at times I think to myself - Am I being a complete push-over by continuing a relationship with someone who lied to me & gave me a life-long disease?? It's a MAJOR issue. But it was also a lie 2 years ago, he hasn't lied since, and we are perfect in every other way....So, what to do??

[rjr]

Honestly, I don't know what else to do either. I feel like a push-over too sometimes. Do you also feel like you have to make this work because the alternative seems scary? Or to rephrase the question, do you feel stuck even though everything else in the relationship is going well?

 

One thing is definitely true though: this IS unfair!!!

[SLCJR]

Sometimes I do feel stuck even though everything is going good... and you're right, the alternative is very scary! Having to tell some one you have a disease is not an encouraging thought. Even though what I have has no effect on men, it will make whomever I sleep with a carrier, therfore putting thier future partners in jeopardy. It's such a horrid situation to be in.

 

It's still hard for me to accept, and I am still trying to not secretly hate him here & there.