What is wrong with me?

[Morgenstern]

I hate clubs, drinking and drugs. Okay normal.

 

I hate people who do that stuff. It's like I am jealous of them, but wouldnt ever want to really do it myself.

 

My girlfriend has had sex with past people, and also gotten drunk starting at a young age, and she literally wants to control every aspect of my life.

 

Id let her because I too want that sort of security, so if we both always know everything about the other, we re both good, but when i think of her being with people in the past and sharing things with them ive never experienced, or things that wont be special to just me, or coming home drunk from a wedding, drunk at age 14 with her mother, i get filled with major resentment.

 

when i hear a story from a family member about how she did this or that with this person, and it was so great, i get filled with resentment.

 

------------

 

I never drank until I was 17, and that was on rare occasion, and dont drink to this day. I am now 20.

 

Ive only ever had one relationship and one sexual partner. Her.

 

I consider myself to be a boring stiff.

 

This cant be normal. Whats wrong?

 

---------------

 

 

My girlfriend recently died, and we both had low self esteem, and she was also very controling, and this has rubbed off on me and now I know in a relationship I wont be able to function without controling, and being controlled. I know I wont ever have a normal relationship, I need someone exactly like me, which is how my girlfriend was. It is like I need the emotional highs and lows, going from very happy, to sad, to mad to happy every day. I am used to being in constant contact and I know I will need that again.

 

We wanted each other, but in reality, it was our NEED that was our real bond.

 

I know our condition is server because it indirectly led to her death.

Also, Ive been wanting to drive me self into an oncoming truck, which is how she died. She didnt drive her self into it, it was accidental.

 

I am getting professional help but my first session isnt until tuesday.

She always refused it and I know if I do the same thing will happen to me down the road.

[I'm Joe]

First, I am terribly sorry for your loss. you will be in my thoughts.

second, I think this is in the wrong section.

 

I know what you mean when you say you don't like drinking or drugs or the whole club scene, but are Jealous of them in a way. The thing you have to remind yourself of is that partying hard is a very temporary enjoyment. talk to most of those people in 10 years and see if they wouldn't rather be in your shoes.

 

I am a bit confused.. It seems your talking about your girlfriend in the past and present tense at the same time. Is this the same girlfriend? did one die and now you have a new one? It's not quite clear.

 

If it is only being boring that your concerned about, fret no longer. I don't drink, I don't go to bars, and I almost never "Party" in any sense of the word, yet people always want to hang out with me. Why? Because I am always doing something fun and exciting. I golf In the summer, I ski in the winter, I lift weights, I play a couple musical instruments, I play basketball all the time. There is more than enough out there to keep your life exciting and full. You just need to change your attitude about the things you place value on. If you don't value the things you do with your time then of course the bar scene will seem enticing.

 

As for you loss I can only say that I feel for you and to keep your head up.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Your only 20 and now your hurting from the loss of your gf I'm sorry to hear by the way you say your relationship was a indirect cause? can you explain that a little only if you want of course?

 

Theres nothing wrong with being the way you are every ones hard wired different some are party animals some are homebody's theres no shame in it.

 

You could look at it this way and be happy your not 20 with 2 kids and a drinking/drug habit to support as a result of your "fun times" being a bit boring has its benefits at times..

[Morgenstern]

I am sorry, there is one girlfriend, who died.

 

I am not concerned about being boring, right now.

 

It is my jealousy of other people. Its like I feel in adequate, or guilty for having a fortunate life.

 

Example:

 

My girlfriends family life wasnt easy.

Mine was very VERY stable and supportive.

 

My girlfriend did, (however briefly) pot, and got drunk at a young age (though not all the time) she hated drinking too and we only drunk together on occasion alone together, we never went out drinking. But I was jealous of her past.

 

My girlfriend had past sexual partners, and long relationships, not just dating. I am jealous of that, EVEN THOUGH i prided myself on her being my first and only for everything.

 

-----

 

 

In her life, he father left and came back multiple times leaving her and 2 siblings and stay at home mom who didnt work and didnt have a degree to fend for them selves with no money for months at a time.

 

I know first hand that her family is very dysfunctional, and not mature at any level. Even now, they spoke of very vulgar and sexually explicit things around 5 year old children. Even people in their 30's 40's and 50's.

 

She was raped twice.

 

She was for all intent and purposes nomadic since age 16, being accepted and kicked out by different family members houses every 3 months or less.

 

She had to live in a car for about a week.

 

Her past boyfriends cheated on her multiple times, and were verbally and physically abusive.

 

She finally lived with her step mother and father in 2006, her father left in 2007, AGAIN!!!

 

I was the only person she had. I gave her my heart and soul, and I made her my life.

 

Because of her family, she had past destructive relationships. She had severe psycological trauma.

She wanted to trust me that I would be just like every other person she ever had in her life, but it was hard for her.

When she became upset, she was irrational and acted harshly, destructively, and while her death was an accident, had it not been for her psychological trauma it would have not happened.

 

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I think he answer is coming to me... I am jealous that she was drunk back then and did pot.

I am jealous that she lived in different towns, not the being kicked out, but lived in different areas, all of them not as good of a place where I live. The avg income in my area is 100k plus, and areas where she did, maybe 40k.

 

It seems as though she was experienced in life and I wasn't. It is like I was still a child and she was an adult. She knew and didnt all this. She had a story. I dont, until now with this past relationship.

 

I feel jealous that I was brought up and had it easy, while other people maybe had to struggle a bit and overcome. They werent handed life on a silver platter. If I could choose I would struggle (not like she did) but I would prefer to have a story, have a chance to have experiences and overcome. I feel guilty that I had it so easy I guess.

[You'reasian]

In her life, he father left and came back multiple times leaving her and 2 siblings and stay at home mom who didnt work and didnt have a degree to fend for them selves with no money for months at a time.

 

I know first hand that her family is very dysfunctional, and not mature at any level. Even now, they spoke of very vulgar and sexually explicit things around 5 year old children. Even people in their 30's 40's and 50's.

 

She was raped twice.

 

She was for all intent and purposes nomadic since age 16, being accepted and kicked out by different family members houses every 3 months or less.

 

She had to live in a car for about a week.

 

Her past boyfriends cheated on her multiple times, and were verbally and physically abusive.

 

She finally lived with her step mother and father in 2006, her father left in 2007, AGAIN!!!

 

I was the only person she had. I gave her my heart and soul, and I made her my life.

 

Because of her family, she had past destructive relationships. She had severe psycological trauma.

She wanted to trust me that I would be just like every other person she ever had in her life, but it was hard for her.

When she became upset, she was irrational and acted harshly, destructively, and while her death was an accident, had it not been for her psychological trauma it would have not happened.

 

.

 

If you get involved with another female like this, it would be a good idea to point her towards help. You are not going to have a smooth, easy time with her.

[Morgenstern]

Yes thank you, I did for many months and we were about to see some one for it.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

I think your jealous she had more experiences in general in her life be it good or bad thats normal to a degree.

 

But don't feel guilty because you had a stable home life some just get Lucky! My advice go see the counselor talk to them let it all out and then take time grieve and then do your best to move on.

 

Theres something to be said for people who live a respectable life be proud of that! Now thats shes passed have nothing to do with her family they don't sound to classy no offense and it will just bring up these bad feelings again for you.

 

Try and remember the good times you too had and hold onto those memories nothing else negative in either of your pasts matters anymore really so don't let it have that much power over you..

[pookey]

Morgenstern,

I am sorry for the death of your girlfriend.

I have been a lurker for a while but your post prompted me to sign on. Why are you jealous of your girlfriends past life when it seems that she was reaching out to you to get her out of the lifestyle she was living? I agree with Spanks. The family is no good.

You say you are 20? Good God, man, you have just begun to live. Most normal people do not have pasts like your girlfriends. You are underage for drinking anyway. I am 22 and don't drink because I find almost all alcoholic drinks taste bad! I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. Why would I want to make myself sick? I drink Coke when I am in a bar and nobody cares. You said you don't enjoy it either. So what. It's nobody's business. Pot is illegal. Want to ruin your life with drug conviction?

This is something you definitely need to talk to your therapist about.

[Peter_pan]

nothings wrong with you man, you seem like a decent chap. why did she pass away?

 

some of my mates body build and out of choice dont drink. dont be hard on yourself man.

 

even i dont exactly go out and get wasted. i have the very rare pint. to catch up with a mate in a pub

[Morgenstern]

I dont want to do pot lol, but I had resentment that she had in the past and I had not. Thats why I know there is something wrong with me.

 

Thank you all for your condolences.

[pookey]

I read your recent post about your girlfriends death. I am really sorry. They say that knowing you need help is half the battle. I think grief therapy is what you need right now. I wasn't a psychology major, but maybe your girlfriend drank, and smoked and had sex to dull the pain she was feeling from her bad family and life. I don't think it is a good idea to start that stuff now in your state of mind any way.

You are lucky as you say you are from a good family. You must have been getting all you needed from them and your friends and not needed to do that stuff .

It sounds like she was lucky to have had you for the time she did.

[Nikki Sahagin]

M, I think some of the most boring people in the world are the clubbers who drink and do pot. They are only 'interesting' and 'exciting' if you find that kind of thing funny WHEN they are drunk and high. In real life they are usually very boring, 'normal' or actually quite damaged (depending on how much a part of this lifestyle is). I don't think refraining from these things makes you boring. You just need a different kind of entertainment.

 

I worry that the loss of your girlfriend will cause you to cling onto your ways in a kind of remembrance of her. I understand about the bond being need. I really, really, scarily do. It's kind of nice in a way? And if 2 controlling people who like that kind of relationship get together - I see nothing wrong with that. If that is what you like and what you want. Not all relationships should be 'typical'. That is not for some people.

[pookey]

Nikki, I disagree with your saying 2 controlling people together would work. Impossible. Perhaps for a short amount of time. But in the end it ends up physically or emotionally brutal. And children of a relationship-forget it. This I know first hand.

After many therapy sessions, I have learned self respect is king. A person with self respect will not tolerate being controlled and will not have any need or desire to be controlling. It is people with low self esteem and low self respect who hurt others to help(falsely) themselves feel better.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Nikki, I disagree with your saying 2 controlling people together would work. Impossible. Perhaps for a short amount of time. But in the end it ends up physically or emotionally brutal. And children of a relationship-forget it. This I know first hand.

After many therapy sessions, I have learned self respect is king. A person with self respect will not tolerate being controlled and will not have any need or desire to be controlling. It is people with low self esteem and low self respect who hurt others to help(falsely) themselves feel better.

 

Yes but if that is how two people want to be, then whos to say that's wrong? So long as it doesn't become violent or brutal or abusive and two people like that feeling of keeping tabs or whatever, then that is there norm and what makes them happy at the time.

[Morgenstern]

Well, im on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds, and one move away from being put in the hospital, i cannot drive under doctors orders either.

[kizik]

self respect is king. A person with self respect will not tolerate being controlled and will not have any need or desire to be controlling. It is people with low self esteem and low self respect who hurt others to help(falsely) themselves feel better.

 

Quoted for truth. Thanks, pooky.

[pookey]

wow, that's rough. But at least you're getting help. Don't loose hope either. Lots of people are on meds for various things. I don't know how I'd react to the death of a girlfriend. I hope this doesn't sound bad, but sadly, she is gone but you are here. I'm sure she enjoyed life with you and would want you to still enjoy life. I think one of the last steps of grief is allowing yourself to enjoy things again without guilt(or maybe I just made that up but it sounds good.) Anyway, I'm not sure how long it has been, but allow yourself a certain amount of time to wallow, and then try to carry on. Emerse yourself in school if you are in school or find something to volunteer in. I read that helping others is a good way to help over come grief like working a soup kitchen or something like that. I read too that taking care of your health like eating right and exercise helps too. moving on doesn't mean you are forgetting your girlfriend, it just means you are continuing on. I'm sure people who die never want their loved ones to be sad, because they love you. I wouldn't. I'd hope they miss me at first, but I wouldn't want them to be sad for long. Peopple who care about you only want the best for you.