What can I do to improve my life? girls, looks, health, friends, self-esteem and etc.

[eBaum]

I am not sure if I can be considered good looking or bad looking since I feel that I can't trust myself since it is my face I am looking at, but I feel often that I look ugly especially in photos where I look so ugly compared to the others when I smile ( that is why I can't smile in photos! No matter how much I try to smile well in mirrors, in my cellphone camera I can't seem to look good!

 

I don't make jokes much since I am afraid that I will hurt somebody if I made a mistake and I stay quiet because I also don't want to hurt somebody with a mistake I make. I don't know what girls like about men, if I can get a gorgeous, smart and kind girlfriend. I am already 14 years old, but my self-esteem really put me down around once everyday or every 2 days, and I said to myself don't think like this I have to be happy so I try to just walk on talking like everything is fine, but it's not. I don't care if I don't become a super rich guy... all I want is an good life with enough money, a good health, healthy family relationship, healthy friend relationship, beautiful wife and kids.

[Ronni_W]

Yikes! You sure do have a lot of self-awareness for a 14-year old!!! Put that down in your "positive qualities" column...along with 'intelligence', of course

 

Of course you are much more than just your physical self. You are also a being with mental, emotional and spiritual aspects. And, in life, you will very much be defined by your values, beliefs, attitude, innate gifts & talents, knowledge, skills and actions. Genuine "beauty" radiates from the inside, out (which may sound like a crock, right now. It's something you're either going to have to choose to believe, or not.)

 

 

Obviously I have no idea what you look like but it is that sometimes we "grow into" our looks (like the 'Ugly Duckling' story.)

And other times, yes, we can have a totally distorted view of what we look like, and perceive ourselves as physically unattractive even though we are perfectly normal looking. Even extremely good looking people can feel that they have something wrong with them. Body image distortion is one reason for so many cosmetic surgeries and eating disorders.

 

Where to start with increasing your self-awareness and self-esteem? A free on-line resource is at: http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm

 

There is nothing outside of yourself that is limiting your ability to be as happy, rich and successful as YOU want and choose to be.

 

People may try to tell you, "You can't do this," or, "You'll never be that." But. Do not just accept their opinions without doing your own self-reflections and your own research...it is NOT up to them to decide and, anyway, they don't have any real power over what you can and cannot accomplish.

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

[Eve]

I am not sure if I can be considered good looking or bad looking since I feel that I can't trust myself since it is my face I am looking at, but I feel often that I look ugly especially in photos where I look so ugly compared to the others when I smile ( that is why I can't smile in photos! No matter how much I try to smile well in mirrors, in my cellphone camera I can't seem to look good!

 

I don't make jokes much since I am afraid that I will hurt somebody if I made a mistake and I stay quiet because I also don't want to hurt somebody with a mistake I make. I don't know what girls like about men, if I can get a gorgeous, smart and kind girlfriend. I am already 14 years old, but my self-esteem really put me down around once everyday or every 2 days, and I said to myself don't think like this I have to be happy so I try to just walk on talking like everything is fine, but it's not. I don't care if I don't become a super rich guy... all I want is an good life with enough money, a good health, healthy family relationship, healthy friend relationship, beautiful wife and kids.

 

First and foremost, what Ronni said ..

 

Also I was thinking just how good it is that you are so self aware at such a young age!

 

The values which you are making for yourself are pretty good ones to aspire to! I suppose if you didnt have values to live up to there would not be any conflict at all... but this would be a pretty empty life methinks. So be aware not to become too caught up within the processes and concentrate on creating real ways to evaluate where you are at. This includes being comfortable with yourself enough to be able to trust your own judgements regarding those around you rather being too hard on yourself. I mean, do you often misjudge situations with the jokes you make? Do you offend many people? Matching what we do with what we think we do is certainly a mature appoach to life but our evaluation of this process needs to be based on fact so that we do not create false core beliefs about ourselves. You see, our core beliefs shape our interactions and if we are not careful we can get negative results every time because we are expecting them! I think the technical term is a 'self fulling prophecy'. So dont be too hard on yourself. Be brave and make those jokes knowing that you do not mean harm. Be brave and talk to different girls, but consider carefully what THEY are saying as well as yourself. Learn how to change energies into tangible forms. For example, do voluntary work and take up hobbies etc. (I have a 14 year old daughter who has changed dramatically since doing voluntary work. She is quite naughty though..)

 

Regarding looks... I have a problem with photos even now! Getting married was a real worry because often I think the image doesnt match up to how I see myself. Technically, yes I am an attractive woman but some of my photos catch me completely wrong! I tend to smile a lot generally but smiling doesnt seem to work in my photos! In the end I have reasoned that the most intensity seems to come from the eyes (eyes being the window to the soul and all that) so now I concentrate on smiling outwardly from my eyes and my pictures look like me. Try it and see...

 

Sorry if this is complete nonsense.

 

The biggest advice I can give you is not to worry about your looks as long as you look after your hygiene and honestly try to be the best person you can be. This is because relationships are a matter of chemistry first and foremost you see and the looks thing can be a bit of a distraction if taken literally. Its about making sure you are interesting and healthy which really matter. Unless of course you are willing to make anyone like you rather than choosing wisely who you spend time with....

 

You must have some good role models around to be so focused. Stay close to them and focus on being authentic more than following the crowd and you will be alright. Define yourself by that small still voice which I think we all have and not by MTV ... although fashion and music are vastly important. In all honesty, I think you have a very clear idea of what you want already and now it is a matter of making sure you dont compromise too greatly as you grow.

 

I am really proud of you for making this post. Hopefully others will be able to add things which will inspire you. Just remember that you are just coming into your looks now and you will change a lot between now and future years. Personally I see the ages of 18, 21 and 25 as a really important markers. Please go over and beyond with your learning at School, making sure to find out what you are good at sweetheart and really pour yourself into these aspects of yourself. Dont look back for too long, over analysing and all that. Always go forward. If analysing is your thing make sure you read from others/think of how they would react as a comparison and not let downward negative thoughts be your guide.

 

Anyhow, I will shut up now.

 

Take care of yourself Hun,

 

Regards,

Eve xxxx

[Peter_pan]

dude your like 14! you need to live.

 

once you go to college or what ever you will be a different person. i was shy right up untill about 17-18 thats when i went to college (a level) not uni.

 

you need to learn that girls love confidence and say what you feel dont try and tip toe around the world. they certainly wont do it for you.

 

i am amazed to be honest that you have actually sat down and thought about what you want out of life, has something brought it on?

 

oh and about looks, you will grow into them. infact some of the ugly boys turn out to be the better ones when you mature

[eBaum]

Yikes! You sure do have a lot of self-awareness for a 14-year old!!! Put that down in your "positive qualities" column...along with 'intelligence', of course

 

Of course you are much more than just your physical self. You are also a being with mental, emotional and spiritual aspects. And, in life, you will very much be defined by your values, beliefs, attitude, innate gifts & talents, knowledge, skills and actions. Genuine "beauty" radiates from the inside, out (which may sound like a crock, right now. It's something you're either going to have to choose to believe, or not.)

 

 

Obviously I have no idea what you look like but it is that sometimes we "grow into" our looks (like the 'Ugly Duckling' story.)

And other times, yes, we can have a totally distorted view of what we look like, and perceive ourselves as physically unattractive even though we are perfectly normal looking. Even extremely good looking people can feel that they have something wrong with them. Body image distortion is one reason for so many cosmetic surgeries and eating disorders.

 

Where to start with increasing your self-awareness and self-esteem? A free on-line resource is at: http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm

 

There is nothing outside of yourself that is limiting your ability to be as happy, rich and successful as YOU want and choose to be.

 

People may try to tell you, "You can't do this," or, "You'll never be that." But. Do not just accept their opinions without doing your own self-reflections and your own research...it is NOT up to them to decide and, anyway, they don't have any real power over what you can and cannot accomplish.

 

Hugs, and best of luck.

Thanks man I hope I can find really good friends and have the wisdom to make right decisions.

[Morgenstern]

ebaum,

 

I just lost my girlfriend/fiance a few days ago in a car accident.

We had been dating each other for 11 months, and have known each other much longer. I truely do believe that she was and is still my soulmate. Everything was perfect with her. I am 20 years old and a sophomore in college. (this has a point, so read on)

 

I know what you are saying, and I think that what I have to say about it should be of some help.

 

---

 

1.)Wait for the one. Do not EVER settle for anyone or anything. I waited 19 years before my first date! But, I had EXACTLY what I wanted. I truely did find my soulmate, and many people may never get to experience that. Patience is a virtue, so use it to your advantage.

 

Also, You may think you are ugly (but in reality you probably aren't) but don't ever let the mind set of "well this is the best ill be able to do, so i may as well take it" happen to you.

 

2.) Get good grades. I was a slacker in school because I always thought I would just be a C student and spend more time goofing off. I figured id get into college anyway. I did get into a good college. BUT the school is $30,000 per year. Because of my grades, and lack of participation in extra activities, I did not get into the state university I wanted to attend. My grades were no where near good enough. That school is only $7,500 per semester. Bottom line is, your grades now DO EQUAL A CRAP LOAD OF MONEY!!! I learned the hard way and I will be paying for it (literally) for 10 years after I graduate.

 

3.)Be a gentleman. Girls may want "bad boys" but women want a man.

A man is responsible. (Do well in school, eventually work a partime job too) A man is honest always. A man is respectful. (Be there to help anyone. Don't swear much if at all. Dont spit everywhere while you are outside. Don't ever call any girl a derogitory name!!! etc) Just be a sweet heart. That doesnt have to mean be gushy. It means to treat every girl like she were an angel. Other girls will see this, and they WILL notice. Maybe not in middle school and high school, but when the time comes, they will notice and I promise you, it will pay off more than I can explain. I know from experience!

 

4.)Often times you cannot have control over a family relationship. You dont get to choose your family. My girlfriend was dealt many bad hands in life, and her family was the WORST one of all. The thing you can do however are to take the initiative. If you can talk to people in your family, do it. Sit down in the living room while your parents are there for a bit, and tell them about your day. DO ask them for advice. Fill them in on your life, they are your parents, they DO care and they will feel so happy that you want to spend some time with them. It doesnt have to be for long. Talk for 10-15 minutes a day if you can. Just dont take them for granted.

[Ronni_W]

I hope I can find really good friends and have the wisdom to make right decisions.

Nah...those aren't things that you can "find" anywhere; they are things that you must actively develop, nurture and grow.

 

Think of it like YOU planting a seed, watering, fertilizing, weeding out the crap -- YOU have got to make your own 'garden' (life) beautiful and pleasant.

"Hope" has nothing to do with how successful you are going to be, to have all the things that you want in your life. It takes effort, dedication and self-discipline. Your desire is just the FIRST small step.

[Eve]

ebaum,

 

I just lost my girlfriend/fiance a few days ago in a car accident.

 

 

I am really sorry about your loss.

 

Regards,

Eve xx

[eBaum]

ebaum,

I just lost my girlfriend/fiance a few days ago in a car accident.

I am very sorry to hear that

 

I also had a 14 year old friend who was really beautiful, very cheerful, hardworking, kind and many other more... she was perfect... everytime she got homework from the teacher she instantly studies right away since she could not wait to become an adult and she really thinks her studies are one of the answers to her future...she died of Viral myocarditis November 21, 2008 I still remember it was a friday... she was really so excited to watch Twillight and even got premiere tickets, but did not seem to make it... she also did not get to the aquaintance party this January 17...

 

Anyway life is cruel I don't know why good people die early

[eBaum]

Nah...those aren't things that you can "find" anywhere; they are things that you must actively develop, nurture and grow.

 

Think of it like YOU planting a seed, watering, fertilizing, weeding out the crap -- YOU have got to make your own 'garden' (life) beautiful and pleasant.

"Hope" has nothing to do with how successful you are going to be, to have all the things that you want in your life. It takes effort, dedication and self-discipline. Your desire is just the FIRST small step.

 

I meant I would eventually meet up with the friends that I would truly be happy with, since currently there is only 1 guy who I really love as a friend, a very supportive, fun, and sort of green though -_-, but I feel really comfortable around him like I can talk to him about anything unlike other people. I do find a some of my classmates annoying though, but I don't show it to them I just respond to them normally except to one guy, who I thought was really a very kind guy since he talked to me a lot and acted friendly in the 1st quarter of the school year, but I eventually noticed he was a perfectionist, extremely emotional, sadist(he hated almost everyone), he talked to me about almost all his problems I gave him some advice based on my perspective(I told him it was biased) about what I don't like about him... I tried to be as honest as I can to him and him being emo is one of the things I asked him to change... but he disregarded all of them still emo and always asks me if he looks emo today it is like he likes being emo, he punches people for small matters, he is overconfident(he also once said: "people who doesn't study gets high and people who studies gets average") actually referring to himself, he gets mad time to time for no reason if he fails a test, laughs for no reason(this is something I think that is related to his overconfidence), he was known as suicidal in China on the XCE(Xavier China Experience) by drinking ink(chinese ink thing) and attempted suicide because of a guy who he is annoyed at and told me just recently that he wants to be friends with that guy he hates again. He went to the guidance counselor and he told me the guidance counselor said: "if he doesn't like you find a new friend that will fit him" and my classmate said: "that he has no right to say what he just said", but I think the guidance counselor was right. If he doesn't like you, you find another friend since not every single person will like you.

[eBaum]

dude your like 14! you need to live.

 

once you go to college or what ever you will be a different person. i was shy right up untill about 17-18 thats when i went to college (a level) not uni.

 

you need to learn that girls love confidence and say what you feel dont try and tip toe around the world. they certainly wont do it for you.

 

i am amazed to be honest that you have actually sat down and thought about what you want out of life, has something brought it on?

 

oh and about looks, you will grow into them. infact some of the ugly boys turn out to be the better ones when you mature

 

Thanks for the advice! I started to try be a better person after the 5 day trip with my cousins who invited a family friend's family, but I liked someone she was really kind to me she offered a lot she was really cheerful and loved animals especially when we went to the zoo, she gave me her googles to look down at the sea and saw sea urchins! ), but after I came back playing computer started to feel boring suddenly, I was really depressed and I wanted to see her again for the next 3-4 days I felt really sick and depressed. From there, I promised myself to change for the better.

[Ronni_W]

after I came back playing computer started to feel boring suddenly,

That is a normal part of growing and developing, and expanding our interests and experiences. It's the age-appropriate transition from teddy bears to GI Joes and Barbie dolls to computer games to friends to romantic interests (to career to marriage to family, etc., etc.)

 

It's not so much that we need to "change for the better" as we just need to accept and grow with the changes that are happening, and start to look for a broader view of ourselves and the world around us.

 

Your experiences with that one guy you mentioned is to help YOU make assessments and decisions about what type of people best suit your personality, interests, goals, etc.

I gave him some advice based on my perspective ... him being emo is one of the things I asked him to change...but he disregarded all of them

He acted appropriately because he is not obligated to accept your (or anyone else's) opinions and/or advice, and it is not his duty to act the way that you (or anyone else) would prefer.

 

Again, you are displaying remarkable awareness by realizing that your perspective is only your perspective . The missing piece is that you thought you can ask other people to change things about themselves just because you don't like those things and/or would prefer something different. That is inaccurate.

 

YOU need to affect changes within yourself, so that you can be happy and successful. In the case of a relationship that does not meet all your needs and wants, you either get out of the relationship, or you accept what the other person can and wants to give to the relationship and get your other needs met in other relationships or activities.

 

That is, with another person, you can't just accept the bits and pieces that you like, and reject everything else. He or she is a whole person, with positives and negatives (as you perceive them.)

If, in your mind, the negatives outweigh the positive, then you get to choose: stay or go. If you decide to stay, you give up the right to whine and complain about what you dislike and/or perceive are their flaws and shortcomings.

 

If that all makes sense?

[eBaum]

He was asking me and was asking what was wrong about him so I did express what he wanted to hear, but did not really say anything about hating him. Since he is asking me what is wrong with him, it is obviously biased according to my perspective, but I did not really say much only that he got to stop being emo since people hates seing emo people.

I don't talk to him anymore, but I say hi when he passes by.

 

I am a passive guy according to my best friend and my cousin, who is my batchmate, thinks so too since when I get punched or get insulted I don't really care much since I don't want to make the same mistake I made when I was in gradeschool... retaliating which led people to hate me, but I didn't care back then because my life was all in the computer. I didn't like people back then, but that "crush" of mine changed everything last year summer.

[jeffyrud]

the one thing that improved a lot of areas in my life ocurred once i started taking full responsibility. Once i started doing that i started acting and changing the things i was not happy about. But everything starts by taking responsibility. Here is an article i found that breaks it down a bit more but not something i agree with 100% percent. Anyways once you start taking responsibility you will feel like you are in control and its the best feeling.