How can I get over this?

[unhappy44]

It's been over a year since I finally decided to get a D. I told my W and she said that she'd be OK, she could get a roommate and get a part time job working 12 hours a day on Saturday and Sunday. She wouldn't need cable or internet because she wouldn't ever be home. However she loved me very much and didn't understand why I didn't love her. Then she asked me not to leave and said I could be her roommate. I felt guilty, so I backed down and stayed.

 

I was hoping time would help me get over the way I feel and that I would be OK with my decision to not get the D, but time hasn't seemed to help. I wake up every night thinking about it and wondering if she really loves me or if she just needs me financially.

 

She says it's all me - that she hasn't done anything wrong and that I'm blowing everything out of proportion and letting my imagination run wild. According to her the OM was just a friend, and she just forgot to tell me about the fact she had been meeting him for drinks and communicating with him. There was absolutely nothing going on between them.

 

She had known him before we got married and once when we split up before we were married she described him as the "love of her life that got away". She contacted him, but he was married at that time. We got back together and got married.

 

In 2003 he sent her an email which I accidently read saying that he was now divorced and perhaps they could get together. I started spying on her email at that point. They emailed back and forth for the next 4 years with him asking her to meet him for drinks and her putting him off. They set several times to get together, but something always came up and they cancelled.

 

I confronted her with it in 2006 and she said he was just a friend. I told her that if he was just a friend that it was perfectly OK. She said she could invite him over for dinner. I said that's a great idea. She didn't do it and instead said she would stop all contact with him. I said that was not necessary if he was just a friend, but she insisted. She then went on a diet, lost 85 pounds and immediately contacted him and said "I think I'm ready for that drink now".

 

They got together at least twice for drinks then he told her he was getting married, she asked why and he sent her an email "Well your off the market sooooooooooo I have to settle with the next best thing!" She responded with "Three words of advice: POSTPONE, POSTPONE, POSTPONE. Do that and we'll proceed to the next step."

 

She claims that I'm misinterpreting that, that she was just acting as a friend and thought he was making a mistake by getting married and she was trying to give him advice. She offered to set up a meeting with him so that I could see that they were just friends. She claimed that he cancelled out on her several time, however I don't think she ever contacted him. I have no idea whether she is still in contact with him.

 

When I confronted her in 2007 she said that she had never met with him and that the only thing going on between them was the email conversations. When I confronted her with the evidence she finally admitted to having drinks with him. I had read articles on how to tell if a person is lying, and she was able to look me straight in the eye and lie to me and I would have never known it if I didn't have the evidence. It's scary knowing that your spouse can and will lie to you and you'll never know it.

 

She also claims that she did not have a bi-sexual affair with a woman that she worked with and that the woman just made the story up and she wasn't sure why.

 

I'm 64 and my W is 59. We've been married about 6 years and don't have any children together. She says that we're too old to start over.

 

I have low self esteem and self confidence and wonder if she's right and I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. She went with me for counseling once, however since she insists that she has done nothing wrong I don't belive continued counseling will help.

 

I realize that my situation is nothing compared to the problems lots of married couples have, and I realize that I should just accept it and live with it.

 

My questions is, "How can I get over this, or should I go ahead and get a D?"

[sadintexas]

Only you can answer whether or not to stay married but I do not think you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. She's lied to you and you wouldn't have known the truth if you hadn't found it out for yourself. Her explanation of that "postpone" email is baloney. She said they would take the next step. What exactly do you think that means?

 

Be true to yourself. If your feelings are such that you want to leave that marriage, then do it. She says you're too old to start over, but she was checking out starting over with someone else. It doesn't seem that worked out for her, but I don't think her age would have stopped her at that time. And I don't think she gave a rat's a$$ about your age and the fact that you would have had to start over while she skipped off with OM. She's too old to start over now because she doesn't have any immediate options waiting for her to choose from. That's the only difference I see.

[Geishawhelk]

Look in a mirror.

Right now.

 

if you look carfully, in fine almost invisible writing, across your forehead, will be the word:

 

"tamrood".

 

 

(That's Doormat' backwards.)

 

Short of her cowboy-riding this guy on the rug infront of you, how much more of an indication do you need that she's being a complete lying, cheating, deceitful, playing bi*t*ch?

 

She's got you right where she wants you.

 

Ferchrissakes, Divorce her now!

 

How much longer can you see yourself lying awake at night wondering about all this?

 

Just do it.

Don't ask her, don't discuss it.

Serve papers and tell her to go!

[lostsunsets]

Geisha is right. Divorce her. Or if you really want to know. Get her to take a polygraph test. If she passes you stay if she fails you go.

[unhappy44]

Her explanation of that "postpone" email is baloney. She said they would take the next step. What exactly do you think that means?

 

I think it means that she was considering leaving me for him. She claims that the next step that she was referring to was to help him get on with his life in the way that a friend would, and that it did not mean that she was considering leaving me for him.

 

I would love to know if that's what she really had in mind, or if I'm interpreting it correctly in thinking that she was planning to leave me.

 

Look in a mirror.

Right now.

 

if you look carfully, in fine almost invisible writing, across your forehead, will be the word:

 

"tamrood".

 

 

(That's Doormat' backwards.)

 

I think this is correct, and that I do have doormat written on my forehead, but for some reason I want to give her the benefit of the doubt.