So is it true that you usually find someone when you are not looking for them?

[Le Rendezvous]

Share your experiences, because at this point I am about to give up on looking.

[Island Girl]

I had made up my mind to be single - really single as in no boyfriend - because I thought I was incapable of love.

 

I kept having issues with them falling and getting stuck - and then wanting to be rid of them.

 

So I made up my mind - made up a huge list of rules that would prevent a man from getting close enough to really care. And as soon as he broke one of these rules (which was within a couple of weeks) the guy was fired.

 

I had this plan in place for well over a year. I was acceptant at that point and comfortable with being alone except for dates when I wanted to go out.

 

Then I met my husband. All the rules went out the window and we are still devoted 8 years later.

 

So in my case - yes, it works.

[alphamale]

Share your experiences, because at this point I am about to give up on looking.

when you're not looking you don't come of as needy or desparate. both of which are a big turn off for many.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

Share your experiences, because at this point I am about to give up on looking.

I found one that way was walking home and a charming guy walked up to me outa the blue!

 

Completely wasn't looking for any relationship at that point and it turned out great! so yea I think it can work like that just be open to it if it dose happen by

[quankanne]

LOL ... oh, I'd say there's a whole lot of truth to that.

 

was crazy mad in love with a guy from college, to a point where I seriously considered getting knocked up because the idea of having a "part" of him always was a smart thing. Got dumped for someone else's wife, and I spent the longest time mourning that relationship ... well not long after I got dumped, I met Mr. Quank, who was several months out of a bad marriage (his ex-wife had cleared out the bank account and ran off with his best friend from work), so he was kind of pissy about romance. We got along, and we went out a couple of times even though my heart was "sealed" to another.

 

I wasn't looking for love because I was pining for the college guy, but my husband pretty much snuck inside my heart and set up camp. This summer, we'll be married 17 years.

[alphamale]

but my husband pretty much snuck inside my heart and set up camp.

how would one go about "setting up camp" inside someones heart? is there some store that sells the implements? or a do-it-yourself kit?

[crosswordfiend]

how would one go about "setting up camp" inside someones heart? is there some store that sells the implements? or a do-it-yourself kit?

 

why do i have an image of an infectious disease model and a bacterial colony in my mind.

[splintered thing]

Nope, but people like to tell you that because it's a pretty good way to get you to shut up about your solo status. You still won't find anyone, but at least you won't be whining to your coupled friends about trying and failing.

 

I *have* known a few women who have said that this approach (not looking) worked for them. I've never met a man who did.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It tends to work because when you give up and stop looking, you tear down the pretense and just start being yourself. You appear more confident and less needy when you reach the point where you genuinely aren't looking for anyone. That 'yourself-ness' and confidence is what people are attracted to more so than the appearance of 'looking for something'.

[Disillusioned]

Well, I'm myself (who else would I be?), but if your "self" doesn't impress, then you're in trouble.

 

But I digress. Popular belief goes something like this: when you're not looking, when you don't have the least possible desire for a partner, that's when their ESP is going to kick in and tell them to go to your house at 1234 Any Street, and knock on your door, and you'll answer it and live happily ever after.

 

I'm still waiting for her ESP to kick in so she can come and knock on my front door.

[runner]

when i'm not with someone else, i'm always on the lookout for someone cute so i'm not sure this applies to me what's key is that i'm not dependent on the outcome; not in the mindset that if i go home alone tonight, all is lost and i'm doomed to oblivion.

 

when you're deeply content with your own existence and all the more interesting because of it, i think people can feel it coming off you and want to take you home

[Island Girl]

when you're deeply content with your own existence and all the more interesting because of it, i think people can feel it coming off you and want to take you home

 

People here keep talking about the neediness and desperation going away. And I guess that would be true for many - that if they just relax and accept their life as it is those feelings would go away.

 

But for me it is more of the above.

I have never been desperate or needy.

So for me it wasn't that - I always had interested guys - but I did see each one as a possibility for a future.

 

I met my husband when I was completely comfortable at having a future that didn't include a man.

 

So again the above was true.

 

When I met my husband I was fine with whatever the outcome was. In fact I was expectant that the chances were it wouldn't work out but fully willing to ride the roller coaster come what may.

[quankanne]

why do i have an image of an infectious disease model and a bacterial colony in my mind.

 

nut!

 

he was a nice guy, I liked him but didn't think of him in "those" terms at first, but he quietly impressed me, and it grew from there.

[Woggle]

It is true. When I met my wife I would have rather poured acid down my throat than get married again but she made me reconsider.

[kdark]

All my past relationships have one thing in common.

 

They were all carefully sighted, selected, and patiently hunted down by me.

 

It's so satisfying to win a girls heart after a big, and in one case, a year long chase. I appreciate them so much more.

[quankanne]

woggle, I see you've still got y'alls photo in your profile ... and it makes me very, very happy to see you smile like that after all the stuff you've shared before.

 

... sometimes we go through a lot of shxt before we find that pot of gold in our relationships.

 

hugs,

q

[Woggle]

woggle, I see you've still got y'alls photo in your profile ... and it makes me very, very happy to see you smile like that after all the stuff you've shared before.

 

... sometimes we go through a lot of shxt before we find that pot of gold in our relationships.

 

hugs,

q

 

I had that in my profile for a long time. I am generally a happy guy but I don't go through the world with blinders on.

[Squirtal]

After dating some real gems..Not...I decided to leave the boys alone and kept away for a year..then I met my present SO and it was a surprise that I found someone I wanted and who wanted me when I really wasn't into finding anyone, I was having a ball learning about me and doing as I pleased and not getting weirdos..so I agree, when you stop looking it can happen..but I think its more about at what place you are at in your life..if you're happy with yourself you attract things that are more functional.

[Hughesy]

I'm too depressing of a person to find a woman, I also bitter and angry and I suffer from Bi-Polar and Schizophrenia, so I shall die as I was born...alone.

[Brady_to_Moss]

I have been looking for someone for a longgg time and nothing...maybe i should stop for a while

[Lights]

Share your experiences, because at this point I am about to give up on looking.

 

It's total BS, really. Datelessness can strike people regardless of whether or not they're looking for a date.

[Nikki Sahagin]

For me it came out of the blue, but i'm not sure if this generally applies.

 

I think endless factors come into it; luck, coincidence, etc.

 

I think love is such a crazy and unpredictable thing. You can't tell if you'll find it or when, or if it will last or how long for. It's a beautiful and also dangerous thing. That's just my own experience of it. But still I think a life can only be truly fulfilled with love. For me, loving another person is the ultimate pinacle of life. Maybe that's a bad thing. Because it's not about 'loving me' but loving another person. But just the thought of caring and loving another person, being there for them on the journey of life, is something I think is incredible. Humans are pack animals, we aren't meant to go it alone, but sometimes we do have to.

[monkey00]

A few years ago I had met my ex in college and we hit it off into a great LTR. I wasn't looking for anyone then, she just came up to me and asked for directions. And that's when we hit it off.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with the saying because when you you are in that mindset, you tear down expectations because you have none..and so there is no room for disappointment. You are going about the pace that makes you comfortable.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes! It's so true that when you're least expecting it, someone finds you. I met my fiancé just before Christmas by accident. At the time, I was working through some internal realignment of who I was and how I could ground to that person inside of me.

 

I can tell you for certain, I had no expectations of having or not having a relationship, neither cynical or wide-eyed. He totally bowled me over by just being himself, a romantic man with a solid, reliable, common sense core. Neither simple or deliberately opaque. Just himself.

[paddington bear]

I'm sick of smug couples telling me 'when you're not looking it will happen'.

 

I've been not looking, busy with my own life, happy and not even been flirted with.

 

I've been looking and flirting, and not even been flirted with.

 

I've been bitter and needy and depressed and not even been flirted with.

 

I get the needy theory, when you're genuinely having a nice time, concentrating on your own life, you are more attractive. I have been that, made no difference.

 

I'm guessing it's more that you don't notice day after day, week after week, year after year passing with no dates, disappointments, being strung along - and so when someone pops into your life, it seems like a surprise, you haven't noticed time pass, when you are 'looking' it seems like an eternity since you've been asked on a date, flirted with etc.