Redclaire Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Hi New to this site, married with two kids and normally a relatively un-complicated life. My husband and I have probably slipped into that situation where we have stopped communicating other than the usual stuff "can you change his nappy" and "what do you want for dinner". Its one of those things you are not sure when or why it happened but suddenly its like you're strangers again. So we have decided to go for councilling to try to work through why it broke down. My hubby (who is away on business) just asked me to compile a list of "issues" outwith the lack of communiction that I may have with him (or our relationship) he has already started his list. Now whilst I am willing to try anything at least once I am not convinced that compiling a list of things we don't really like about each other is at all healthy at least not until we have started therapy. Any advice appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Sounds dangerous to me. I think you are much better to deal with problems within counselling. I know that when my H and I went to Relate, we found it to be a safe environment to raise problems and discuss them with the help of a counsellor - who sometimes has to act as mediator when things get tense. It also provided us with a situation where we could talk openly but after every session, we always hugged each other and understood that the discussion (or even argument on a couple of occasions) was left there and not to be continued. If you try to tackle a list of problems before the counselling, you may just end up hurting each other and causing more harm when obviously neither of you want to do that. But I will also give credit to your H - he is trying to make things right and knows you both need to talk. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 This isn't a business meeting, it's a marriage. it's not about a list of issues, it's about the whole global fracture in your relationship. How can you compile a list if you don't know what's on his? Is it stuff he has issues with? Is it stuff he thinks are issues with you? Does he expect you to do the repairing? Wait until you go to counselling. let him bring his list if he wants to. That's his prerogative. You tackle it as you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 You tackle it as you want. I agree. If you're comfortable making a list, make one. If not, don't. Your guys inability to sync up on this is probably a good indication that MC is needed. Sounds like there may be a bit of a power struggle in your relationship. When is the first appointment? And what does "change his nappy" mean ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 And what does "change his nappy" mean ??? Nappy = Diaper Link to post Share on other sites
Shehe Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Personally I do not see "making a list" as a bad thing. If it works for him to write it down as a way to communicate to you let him do it. If you do not feel comfortable doing it, do not do it. We all comunicate differently. For some people is easy to talk and for other perhaps it is better to write down their thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 "Compiling a list of things you don't like about each other" is the wrong approach. If you do this you will be setting yourselves up for an argument. Why? Because you point the finger at the other person. And that makes that person defensive. Instead of focusing on the issue, the person spends his time and energy trying to defend himself. Instead, if you want to make a list, focus on YOU and YOUR NEEDS. Have your husband focus on himself and his needs. Never use the word "YOU" when explaining what your needs are because every time you use the word "YOU", you point a finger. Also, when you list your need, attach a feeling to it to give your husband a way to understand why that need is important to you. For example, "I need to spend more time with you. I feel lonely and unloved when we are apart for long periods of time." I am not sure if you and your husband can communicate effectively or not without the help of an MC. Only you know what the communication is like between the two of you. If you have not been communicating well, I'd say wait til you get into MC to learn how to communicate with your partner before you start addressing issues. The last thing you want to do is alienate each other before you even get a chance to address the issues in your marriage. When my husband and I started to have issues, they looked exactly like what you described above. You are wise to want to take steps to address them early on like this. There is also a good book that may help you and your husband get started. Its called, "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley. I wish my husband and I would have read this book when we first started noticing small problems in our marriage. Another good source is marriagebuilders.com. Not sure if you ever heard of a faith based weekend program called Marriage Encounter." It's also a great way to strengthen a marriage, IMO. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
LiveandLearn Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 People tend to focus too much on the negative. It's always easy to pinpoint what you DON'T like about someone or something. Personally, I don't think it would help anything, but cause more problems, misunderstandings, and unnecessary heartache. It's good that you BOTH are on the same page in that you BOTH want to strengthen your marriage/bond/relationship. Focus on that. Focus on what you can do MORE of (i.e. spending time together, cuddling, family outings, etc.), instead of LESS of (i.e. nagging, whining, etc). Go into this with a positive approach and you can expect positive outcomes. Focus on the good, not the bad. Of course there is always a way of putting a positive spin on something negative. For example, if your husband spends too much time watching T.V, you can tell him you like it when you both (fill in the blank with something you both enjoy doing or YOU enjoy doing with him), instead of saying "I wish you would stop watching so much T.V". People are defensive by nature, so if you approach the subject in a positive, gentle, and caring way, you will get a better response. Best of luck to you and your marriage! I also try to practice what I preach, so I know it's always easier said than done I would reccommend reading "The Love Dare" by Stephen Kendrick. I have yet to read it, but I hear good things about it in our group couples counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Adri Ana Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 1-You are lucky if you both agree about making your marriage better. 1a-You will succeed. 2-If making a list is easier for you than talking to each other about the issues right away, then make it and have The Best Luck! Wishing from heart. _________________________________________ I love you with the most heartfelt and soulful love . It is your right not to trust,but that wont reduce my love . It is your right to break it,but you can`t break my love . It is your right to make fun on me,but you can`t ever make fun on my love . As it is MY LOVE,it is MINE,though it truly belongs to YOU,My love. I love you with all my heart.It is the only truth on Earth,I believe and trust. I do love. Link to post Share on other sites
Heroic Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Perhaps a better list to make is things that you both have enjoyed in the past. Find a place to focus positive energy. I can almost guarantee that finding a good baby sitter will be your first step. Link to post Share on other sites
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