Question for Tony

[Miranda]

Hi Tony-

 

I have been reading your responses, and you have a good head on your shoulders. I am curious as to how you came to be such a 'together' person. Are you actually a counselor?How old are you? Have you ever married? Can you recommend any books on how to cultivate healthy relationships?

 

Thanks.

[Tony T]

Hello Miranda:

 

First, you said you were curious as to how I came to become such a 'together' person. Well, I don't really consider myself all that much together. But I have read a great deal throughout my life and, to better myself, went into therapy in 1985 with the Institute for Rational Living, founded by Albert Ellis. I learned a great deal about emotions, what's appropriate and what's not. I especially learned that other people don't upset us, we upset ourselves. Since it's pretty dumb to go through life upset, I decided I just wouldn't upset myself about anything and it has worked. I do get angry, depressed, etc. for very short periods but quickly forget because there is no payoff. Instead of anger, I feel disappointment. Sadness instead of depression.

 

Are you actually a counselor? I am not a counselor, although I do have a degree in psychology. Psychology degrees aren't good for much unless you have a lot of field experience. The only experience I have is with myself and life. I was a new reporter for a television network for 15 years and that helped me to learn a lot about life and people.

 

How old are you? I am 40 years old. But I think I aged rather quickly and beyond my years after my mother died when I was 13.

 

Have you ever married? Yes, and I learned some of the most important lessons of my life. I married a 23 year old lady who could have cared less whether I was dead or alive. I loved her with all my heart and didn't want to see that she was marrying me because I had a nice car, a fat bank account, and a really big and modern home. She spent the bulk of our married life telling me what was wrong with me so I spent the bulk of my time trying to be a better husband and person. I really tried.

 

It lasted three and a half years. She was a pretty miserable person and put a great deal of pressure on me to make life exciting for her. I didn't really need that but I kept my end of the bargain. She left me when I had some financial set-backs and her lifestyle had to plunge a few notches. Three months after she left, my father died.

 

Can you recommend any books on how to cultivate healthy relationships? Every relationship is different and needs to be cultivated differently. But there are many dangerous signs you have to look out for also. You have to go slow and pay attention. Relationships take a lot more than love. They require caring, committment, communication, shared goals, shared views about children, shared views about money (how much is needed, how much to spend, save, etc.), respect for each other's spiritual perspectives, the ability to forgive, the absence of the expectation that marriage will cure all problems for all times, a team spirit, the mutual desire or non-desire for children, the dedication to child rearing if desired, etc. etc. etc. (Not enough room here for everything, sorry.)

 

How many people who court each other think about that stuff??? That's why more than 50 percent get a divorce, 20 percent are hoping things will get better, 20 percent are miserable but stay together for the sake of the kids or for financial reasons. The remaining 10 percent report they are moderately to very happy much of the time.

 

The two greatest books of all time on how to win someone's heart are: "Love Tactics" and "More Love Tactics." Both books were written by Thomas W. McKnight and Robert H. Phillips and were published by the Avery Publishing Group, Inc. of Garden City Park, New York.

 

There are tons of books on cultivating good relationships. One of my many favorites is "Heart Over Heels" by Bob Mandel published by Celestial Arts of Berkeley, California.

 

One thing I have learned that people just can't get into their heads. The fastest way to screw up a relationship is to have make many demands and have too many expectations. The key to misery in life is to have demands and expectations of any person or event. If you can go with the flow and accept what comes and deal with it appropriately, you will be a happy camper. The reason people get angry at others, depressed, etc. is because they are demanding or expecting that life happen some other way. Sort of irrational, wouldn't you think.

 

Thanks so much for the compliment but the more I learn, the less I realize I don't have it together. I have a dear friend, R.C., who is 87 years old...and very, very sharp for his age. He hasn't figured it out yet either. But when we do, we will report it here.

[Bliss]

Hi Tony & Miranda

 

Your post was very interesting Tony. Even though I am 32 I am only just realising how little I know about having relationships, romantic or friendship. I wonder why I'm not married to a wonderful guy (or any guy!) and it's because I don't know how to make myself happy, let alone someone else.

 

Your point about having expectations leads to disappointment is right. I'm realising that the only person to have any expectations of is yourself, and if you want something (be it happiness or money)- go and get it yourself, don't expect anyone else to give it to you.

 

It's so true about upsetting yourself - I am one to have temper tantrums when things don't go the way I expect or want, and yet I don't gain anything from this, except wearing myself out and ageing myself (and lowering myself in the eyes of others).

 

However, life is one big learning experience and having become aware of the problem, I will go about fixing it.

 

I look forward to reading more of your posts. Thanks.

 

Bliss

[Miranda]

Tony- Thanks so much for the reply.

 

I have printed your response and will really think about what you have written. I really appreciate your postings here. They may not be what I want to hear, but what I NEED to hear. Thanks.

[Miranda]

Hi Bliss-

 

Cool name!

 

I'm 31 and in the same boat. I am doing some soul searching and I am hoping to do some serious emotional growth in the process. I've just gotten out of a LTR, and now is as good a time as any.

 

Have a great day!