Iammikey Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 I am at a cross roads in my marriage. I have dated my wife for 10 years (my high school sweet heart) and been married 18 months. Just this past week I received a call from a woman identifying herself as the wife of a former co-worker of my wifes. She told me, (and later confirmed by both her husband and my wife) that her husband and my wife had an affair 4 years ago, but ended it when the wife found out. She just found out that the two of them were still in communications with each other and have even meet for outtings together, and decided to tell me. I was destroyed....however it was during our dating period and after much soul searching took my wife's word that it was a one time thing and that it never happened during our marriage. I forgave her. Fast forward 4 days later (tonight!) I found out that my wife's statment was not true, she in fact have been seeing him physically even up to three weeks ago. I also found evidence that they were physically together weeks after our wedding and after our honeymoon. He has been to my house, slept in my bed while I was away. The pieces of the puzzle are starting to come together, but in a picture I never wanted to see. My heart broke instantly, my whole life just crumbled beneth me. I am suddenly lost without hope, without desire, without direction. She says she loves me, and that I was the only man for her, but her actions speak for themselves. So here I stand at my crossroad. How many chances does a person get?, this was not the first time she was caught. How do I trust her again? How to I have faith in our marriage when from the beginning it was tarished. I feel full of shame, like the biggest loser. How do I gather up my pieces so that I can have a heart once again? So lost. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 You do one of two things: You either insist on MC and oblige her to come with you and sort this mess out (because an affair, and sex with someone else, is not about the affair. it means that there's a dissatisfaction in the relationship already.) You will need to discuss what was not being achieved in your marriage that could be 'cured' by an affair. OR: You file for divorce, ask her to leave, and re-build your life. Choose. It really is in your court. But think on this: She was willing to lie to you, and lie again, to try to cover her @$$, rather than face up to it, step up to it, and admit her cr@p. Remember this. She finds it easier to lie. So, can you trust her to be honest, even in MC? Link to post Share on other sites
Chessy02 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Hi Ianmikey Even though I am grieving like you, I do understand your feelings. I guess you have logged in to check if someone has replied or to see how many people have written to you with regard to your post as you are feeling lost. I felt the same. I ended up reading other post and replies, etc. You can't force her to go to MC, and even if she decided to take the MC option, there is no guarantee that she will tell the truth. I guess she would want to see the bottom of it - the affairs. She will lie to your face, make it look like you caused it. But the truth remains. 2 separate people are hurting - you and the wife of the cheater. Nonetheless, you have to decide if you want to divorce. It is a tough decision, and a big one at that. I am coming to terms with my feelings at present, and I have around me trusted friends that I can speak to. My best man and 2 other friends. I couldn't bring myself to tell my family - maybe I am still protecting her, or probably not wanting to wash my dirty linen outside (not sure which). All in all, time is a healing and better still you learn from it to make you a better person. Don't get me wrong, IT HURTS. You no doubt will cry ocean, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is her loss not yours. All you have to do is to continue to pull out your feelings her or other forum to make you feel good. Take care of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 she's already lied to you twice.how many other lies does she think you'll believe,or men? slept in YOUR bed!!! that there is enough for me. 11 plus yrs. is a long time.but damn what's gonna happen after you throw some kids into this mess? I'd get the hell out while the gettings good,and let everyone know she's a ho. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 My goodness, how awful. I'm so sorry. Please add this question to the things you need to think about: why are you willing to keep someone in your life who has repeatedly broken your trust and whose words blatantly don't line up with her actions? I would strongly recommend individual counseling to help you sort yourself out in the midst of all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 If you don't have children with her, get a divorce. Seriously. Your wife started off the marriage cheating on you and continued to cheat on you. I usually don't tell people to cut bait and run, but in your situation, go. You deserve better. Sorry for your pain.. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 This marriage is about you to. Think about the long run, do you really want to be married to someone who can cheat and lie in this way Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Though you're feeling lost today you've been lost all along for the relationship you've perceived all these years has been revealed as a mirage. No, she doesn't love you and she never did! She has demonstrated that fact in lies and betrayal too countless to number. If you found out that she only married you for your money and subsequently discovered that she wiped out all of your assets what would your decision be in light of those cirmcumstances? If you parallel your actual situation with the scenario I've just presented would your decision be any different. I think you know the answer. Though the truth will set you free it ain't always pretty! Link to post Share on other sites
Dad_of_3 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 She gets as many chances as you decide to give her. Only you can can state that. As much as we on here can give opinions and say what choices you have, you have the ultimate say. I was in a way in a similar situation to you. To make a long story short. IF you even decide to give it a go and she is willing. There has got to be 0% resentment over what happened. I am not saying to forget, you never will. But you are completely accepting in what role you played in this as well. As much as she was the cheater, you played a small part in it. You just need to find out to work out what that was. Learn from that. Main thing if you decide to try again. She needs to stop all contact with this guy. IF she is a co-worker, she needs to leave. End of story. There is no sob story of " I need the job " She needs to show you that it is over with this guy. Whether she can or not, is something you will found out. But you must be prepared for the hard road. Be prepared to hear anf find out if she decided to take that road. But in this time, what I would say is to get some space to yourself to think clearly. You need time to yourself to work on what it is you want from this. You cant control her and what she is going to do. That ludicrous. If she decides to choose another life but what you offered her. Be courteous, smile and say " Don't let the door hit you on the way out" Be the bigger person in all this. Nothing more satisfying than having someone realise they just let go of the best thing that happened to them. One last thing and the most important thing. You are not a loser, you are not the one who made the mistake. You are not worthless to be treated this way. Every single person on this planet in way or another deserves to be loved and to share that same amount of love with a like minded person. Never ever say you are a loser, you've got more guts and "balls' then alot of other people who havent grown from soething liek this. They dont read, they dont seek help cause they think they will get over this and be ok. Stand up, look the day in the eye and know this is but a speed hump on your journey. Time to 'harden the f&^k up' and stand tall, nothing ever to apologise for. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 One last thing and the most important thing. You are not a loser, you are not the one who made the mistake. You are not worthless to be treated this way. Every single person on this planet in one way or another deserves to be loved and to share that same amount of love with a like minded person. Never ever say you are a loser, you've got more guts and "balls' then alot of other people who havent grown from soething like this. They dont read, they dont seek help cause they think they will get over this and be ok. Stand up, look the day in the eye and know this is but a speed bump on your journey. Time to 'harden the f&^k up' and stand tall, nothing ever to apologise for. BY GOD! IF THAT'S NOT THE TRUTH! I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS! ALL gave some, but some gave ALL! Link to post Share on other sites
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