Is a too much to ask for a drug test?

[Worried girlfriend]

I've recently read a lot of threads in here and it has been a real eye opener and very useful, thank you! Like many others in here, I've never done drugs at the age of 35 and have very strong principles against drugs. However, my boyfriend (age 42) through 1 year does cocaine. I found out 7 months into our relationship and I kicked him out on the spot when I found out. I cannot and I will not accept drugs in my life.

 

Well, I guess you all know the story about loving someone and taking him back because he promises to stop. So here we are 5 months later and I'm afraid that not much has changed. This has led me to going through his things which I deeply regret but I found it necessary to collect "evidence" of his abuse before confronting him again and again.

 

But there are still some things that are unclear to me. I think he has done it probably every other day while I've known him and mostly alone. He says that it is only recreational use but to me it looks like a clear case of addiction. Furthermore, as I've seen in another thread in here, we were away for two weeks over Christmas and he didn’t do it but the day we came back he called his dealer.

 

So my first question: is taking cocaine every other day recreational? What is the frequency of recreational? Once a week, once a month?

 

And then: what is the average amount that people take? I know that he buys 5 grams at a time – but he won't tell me how long it lasts or how much he takes at a time. I know that he buys at least 10 grams a month.

 

I know that he has done for at least 2 and half years now (he said he started when his father died) so what maybe started out as an escape form the harsh reality has now f**ked up his life completely.

 

Anyway, after having had many rows lately because he keeps taking cocaine and me basically kicking him out time after time for being inconsiderate and not respecting my boundaries (he has never been violent or cheated on me though), he has promised that he will stop doing cocaine. And I love him and I want to believe him….but I suppose like all active addicts he is most likely lying. So here comes the core:

 

Ideally, he would enter a NA programme but living in a French speaking city (and he only speaks English), I'm not sure that is possible or that he wants to. Anyway, he tends to think that he can deal with this himself and I want to give the benefit of the doubt. However, would it be too much to ask him to do drug tests at home? And can you recommend any?

 

Secondly, would it be wrong of me to tell his friends (some do coke and others don't) that he has an addiction problem (which they don't know about and may not have themselves) and that they should not offer him any coke if they go out (which is really rare by the way) as they will only make it more difficult for him?

 

Sorry for this long thread but I do love him and I just want to help him to have a normal and happy life (hopefully with me).

[headlesschicken]

1) 10 grams of coke a month is a lot.

 

2) IMO, recreational use is a day or two a month, maybe less, maybe with friends, definitely not every other day and certainly not alone.

 

3) it really doesn't matter if we think he's an addict or not. the question is whether you can accept that he's going to use drugs with or without your knowledge or consent.

 

4) he has to want to go to treatment and get clean. i'd be wary if he said he's doing it for you.

 

5) drug tests are beside the point here. you've shown him by your actions time and again that there are no consequences for his using. you continue to take him back when he uses sweet words and promises. he has to know you're serious.

[Woggle]

I know you love him but I would get out while you can. I don't have issues with recreational use but every other day is way too much and it will only get worse. He migbht even graduate to harder drugs and the more you try and stop him the worse he will get. I was married to an addict and I would advise you to dodge this bullet right now. He will have to get clean on his own and if he does you can be happy for him but don't let him drag you down with him.

[burningashes]

The other posters have good advice, don't let him drag you down if he gets worse, get out as soon as you can. Coke is one of the hardest drugs to get cleaned up from. I know a lot of people who does coke and most of them haven't quit yet.

 

The drug test isn't really going to help, what if he tests positive? What would you do then? It shows that you have zero trust in him and quite frankly, trust is the one of the important foundations for a relationship. He knows that you aren't serious about him coming clean so far, and there has to be consequences. You need to be prepared to leave him, and to accept that if he chooses to continue to do drugs after you leave. I'm sorry, it's going to suck, but that's one of the possibilities you need to prepare yourself for. Best case scenario is that he comes clean and you guys live happily ever after, and I'm not banking on that.

[Worried girlfriend]

First of all, thanks for your replies which were very helpful. And yes, I have made a decision which I am going to stick to. If he does drugs again – I am out for good. Because if that is his choice then he can ruin his own life but I will not let him ruin my life as well. It's just not worth it, I mean you can't choose your parents or your children, but you can certainly choose your partner, so it would be downright stupid to choose someone who would prioritise drugs over me.

 

That being said, I told him two days ago that my condition for staying in the relationship was that he would submit to drug testing. He reluctantly accepted. He also said though that he should leave me when I demanded something like that but that he loved me too much to leave me, so therefore the reluctant acceptance. He also said: I don't have to be with you to do drugs – meaning he did drugs before he met me and if we don't last he will probably do it again. My reply was: you are absolutely right but then do it alone (or with someone who accepts it) and don't mess up my life. No more, Ms Nice Girl!

 

He knows that this is the last chance I'll give our relationship – and he said and still says that I am the best thing that has ever happened to him, so the question is whether I am better than the drugs. I guess only time will tell. Anyway, I'll keep you updated and again thanks for your replies.

[thelostsoul89]

Worried girlfriend, Your boyfriend seems to be in denial of his addiction. If hes using every other day then it has gotten pretty serious. The only way he will ever stop is for himself, he has to want to stop. He has to realize what this drug is doing to him and the people around him. If you really love him you will stay by him and help him as much as you can. If you just keep kicking him out thats not really going to solve anything. I hope you the best of luck with this situation:)

[HappyAgain]

He is in denial. My ex said that I was the most important thing in his life and stopped doing drugs for me. Then when his life became stressful he started doing it behind my back. Without me understanding why he was acting so crazy it really damaged our lives to the point that I finally left for good. All I'm saying is that it doesn't mean anything whether you are the best thing to happen to him or not - drugs are an addiction that is very hard for people to break no matter how important you are to him.

[Enema]

What's bad about his cocaine use?

 

You haven't mentioned how it affects your relationship or makes him a terrible boyfriend except that you don't like it.

 

I can't help but feel you don't want him doing it just because of the big scary stigma attached.

[sb129]

What's bad about his cocaine use?

 

You haven't mentioned how it affects your relationship or makes him a terrible boyfriend except that you don't like it.

 

I can't help but feel you don't want him doing it just because of the big scary stigma attached.

 

I am inclined to agree. You haven't mentioned exactly what it is about him when he is using that you don't like. Is he aggressive, argumentative or paranoid? Or is he alert and talkative?

 

It sounds like you would actually have trouble picking the days that he uses coke if he didn't tell you about them. Can you tell when he is using?

 

While using it every other day, alone and using about 10g a month is definitely indicative of a habit, my main gripe would be that he wasn't sharing it with me!!!

Ok Ok, kidding.

 

10g a month is about £500 worth in the UK, alot more where I am from, and I am picking its roughly about $1000 worth in Nth America.

(Feel free to correct me)

This would concern me- whether or not he can afford it, especially if we were in a R where we had joint financial responsibilities.

[burningashes]

First of all, I can't believe you're advocating the use of coke.

 

I can't help but feel you don't want him doing it just because of the big scary stigma attached.

 

What stigma? Coke causes so many problems that there isn't a stigma attached to it, only facts. Along with other drugs, it's responsible for crime and prostitution. Plus, it's not good for your body and you can OD on that. People die everyday because of it.

 

It's also illegal- so because of the amount the poster's boyfriend does, he carries a huge risk of getting busted and landing in jail. If you can afford to snort coke, you better damn well be able to afford a lawyer or be prepared to face the consequences of your coke use. All the reasons I have outlined here is why I would never date a drug user, recreational or not. I'm more concerned about the poster's welfare if those consequences happen, as she also carries the risk of getting pulled down with the boyfriend if something happens.

[sb129]

The OP hasn't, like you have, outlined her particular concerns regarding her BFs use- she simply says she "doesn't like it".

 

Not enough of a reason to get someone to stop doing something, esp something as habitual as coke.

She would be better off to have an argument like yours which is more difficult to negate (not that its watertight mind, far from it).

 

As for "advocating" recreational drug use- I simply don't judge people who choose to use them- its their lives and their bodies, and what they do with them is up to them.

Illegal drugs will NEVER go away, people have been looking for ways to get high since the beginning of human history.

 

It could be argued that decriminalising drugs would actually improve the rates of crime and prostitution associated with them. But thats a whole 'nother can of worms, one that I am sure to get flamed for.

 

BTW- it is possible to be a fully functioning, contributing member of society who has a good job and healthy relationships and still use drugs recreationally.

[Enema]

Thanks SB. I forget if you're a poster I'm supposed to hate, but you seem rational

 

I echo your thoughts. Still waiting for the OP to tell us why she objects so strongly to her boyfriend using some cocaine.

 

Also, I have not advocated its use in this thread at all.

[sb129]

Thanks SB. I forget if you're a poster I'm supposed to hate, but you seem rational

 

I echo your thoughts. Still waiting for the OP to tell us why she objects so strongly to her boyfriend using some cocaine.

 

Also, I have not advocated its use in this thread at all.

 

No, we are allied on many subjects Enema.

Maybe its something to do with the southern hemisphere- more aetheists down under I think.

I also think that from my experience, antipodeans tend to be a bit more open-minded about drugs (obviously not ALL of them, but generally).

[jleslieh]

Worried Girlfriend, after reading your post it was as if I were writing it myself. I posted a question "Is there such a thing as a "Functional" cocaine addict?" on August 10, 2008 on this forum and I'd be interested to see what you think of the similarities. My boyfriend of 7 years (off and on because of the same issues you mention) is "perfect." Everyone, including my close friends and family members--some of which know my concerns about his use--have said to me, "Let the guy do his coke. He treats you like a queen, it's his problem and he has to deal with it when he's ready." Stuff like that. I've struggled for so many years wondering if it's worth it to throw away what could be the best relationship of my life because I don't like the thought of him sneaking and doing cocaine. More than likely every single day!

 

I call him a "bumper." I don't know how much he buys; hell, he still denies that he ever does it anymore, but I am 100% sure that he uses daily and probably has for many years before I came into the picture. I think that he probably carries his little envelope or whatever in his pocket and just does a little "bump" every couple of hours or so to keep his high where he needs it. I'm sure he's addicted. It scares the hell out of me because I worry that someday he might just die from it.

 

I've searched through his things, just like you, and have found cocaine on several occasions. Immediately after he's looked me in the eye and said "Honey, I love you so much. It's not worth it to me. I told you I don't do that anymore. Please believe me...." Then, viola'. There it is. He'll cry, agree that he has a problem and swear to never do it again. I usually break off from the relationship, get into counseling, join support groups or anything to make myself feel better, but I always end up doing my "pros" and "cons" lists. The pros definitely outweigh the cons.

 

If you find the time, look up my postings and I think you'll be surprised at how similar our stories are.

 

Only you can decide if the relationship is worth saving. None are perfect and yes, I'm still with him.

 

Good luck, girlfriend.

[sb129]

J-

 

It sounds like your BF is an addict for sure. A little "bump" every couple of hours is a sign he can't function without it.

 

The thing that would get to me eventually if my husband was doing coke on the sly like this is that

a) our finances are joint, and he would be using OUR money to fund his selfish habit, probably to the detriment of some of our other expenses (mortgage/savings etc)

b) we are having a baby, and he is putting himself at risk and not putting our child first.

 

I know someone who lost her partner to a drug overdose when she was pregnant.

I think thats the ultimate act of selfishness- and I would have been so mad at him for doing that.

 

However, if you don't have joint finances, a home or children together, its very hard to play a trump card that is "more" important than drugs. They have already shown that the drugs are more important than you by virtue of the fact that they continue to do them in the face of your disapproval. They simply lie about it and hope you will continue to turn a blind eye.