coolchick Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Hey guys, nice forum you have here, I am gonna start my stay here with a recent problem I am having with a friend of mine. Ok, long story short... I have been living abroad since last summer, and after a while I met this local guy. We talked a bit, went for a coffee a couple of times. He is a really sweet guy and we have a bit in common, after some time I was kinda giving him a hard time getting touch with him, and he sent me a real emotional msg saying how much he loved me and that he couldn't stop thinking about me, I was flaterred but I wasn't really into him, I kinda told him I wasn't really into a relationship right now but I would like to continue to see him for coffee etc. He agreed and we did this for a while, he is a real good listener and after a while even gave me a few lessons of his country's language. Anyway one time we were planning to do something in the weekend, but I kinda ignored his msgs in the last days before the weekend, I sent him one msg on sunday asking him if he wanted to do something, he agreed but then I kinda forgot to check my cellphone again and when I told him that I couldn't in that day he got pissed and told that he was tired of making arrangements with me and then getting them canceled and ending up losing time with me, I got kinda sad and I sent him a msg saying that I liked him, which I do. He answered me saying that he was very confused and that he needed time to think. Then I met this other guy, we started hanging out too as friends, I was having some problems in the place I was, and my new friend offered me his house, so I moved in, and now I discovered that this other guy is neighboor of my old friend(I now live praticaly side by side with my friend. Anyway I like this new guy a lot, he is a bit crazy but he has a lot of stuff in common in me and I like living with him. But now things is, my old friend, last time I was with him, I told him that I was moving in with this guy, he asked me if I was in a relationship with the guy which I answered no but he still seemed kinda weird when I told him that, but then he told me it would be good for me because of my problems in the old place and all that. I told him to call me so we could get together, but now I haven't heard from him in like a month, sometimes I see him in the street and we say hello to each other and all that but that's it. He never called me back or msged me. Now why did stopped calling me or msg me ? He didn't seemed to mind me going to live with this guy he even said it would be good for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 ...after some time I was kinda giving him a hard time getting touch with him... ...I kinda told him I wasn't really into a relationship right now but I would like to continue to see him for coffee etc... ...one time we were planning to do something in the weekend, but I kinda ignored his msgs in the last days before the weekend ...he agreed but then I kinda forgot to check my cellphone again... Look at it from his perspective: you didn't "kinda" do anything - you gave him a hard time getting in touch with you, you told him you weren't into him, you ignored him and forgot him. Why would he keep beating his head against a wall? Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 You know, if you mistreat a dog long enough, he'll leave. You have been, on the face of it, pretty rude to this guy, why should he continue to be friendly to you when you insult, ignore and abuse that friendship? Either leave him alone or apologize for your boorish behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolchick Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 It's just, I have been having a really good time being free, you know abroad, and I am kinda careless with my cellphone, I do admit I should had payed more attention when he called me etc. Now after I moved in, he stopped calling me or msg me, I almost never see him anymore when I am walking my dog, it's almost like he is avoiding me. Now besides being a bit bad with my phone and the reschedule of a few dates, I dont think I treated him that bad, one time he even said to me he liked me a lot, why would he stop trying to see me ? I think one of the last time I was with him he got a bit pissed because we were supposed to go for a coffee but then I kinda had to speed the coffee and the talk a bit because I went to see a movie in my friends house ( the guy I am sharing a room ), after that he never was the same and I told him to call me, he said he would but time has passed and nothing. Now I dont know what to say to him, if I see him in the street... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I 'kinda' wish you'd 'kinda' stop with all the 'kinda' "kindas".... And I'll tell you why. because you're attempting to be vague, and infer with your posts, that it's 'kinda' not really your fault, but it just 'kinda' happened..... Well step up to the plate, quit with the 'kindas' and take full responsibility for your actions. You didn't 'kinda' do anything. You up-front and purposely chose to follow a specific course of action, so there's no 'kinda' about it. Write your posts the way you normally would - full of 'kindas' - then go through and delete them all. I think you'll see yourself just how responsible you are. here. Let me do the first one for you...... It's just, I have been having a really good time being free, you know abroad, and I am kinda careless with my cellphone, I do admit I should had payed more attention when he called me etc. Now after I moved in, he stopped calling me or msg me, I almost never see him anymore when I am walking my dog, it's almost like he is avoiding me. Now besides being a bit bad with my phone and the reschedule of a few dates, I dont think I treated him that bad, one time he even said to me he liked me a lot, why would he stop trying to see me ? I think one of the last time I was with him he got a bit pissed because we were supposed to go for a coffee but then I kinda had to speed the coffee and the talk a bit because I went to see a movie in my friends house ( the guy I am sharing a room ), after that he never was the same and I told him to call me, he said he would but time has passed and nothing. Now I dont know what to say to him, if I see him in the street... How about - "I'm sorry I treated you like cr*p and kept you dangling, and basically that I was so rude that it actually made you purposefully avoid me. That was a really insolent thing to do, and I see I do deserve your contempt. I think I'd be pretty mad, too...." And not a 'kinda' to be seen.... Link to post Share on other sites
Narf Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 You seem to be missing the point of the other replies... I personally think you just made him feel unimportant to you to many times and he has snapped.. Im told i have a high tolerance for peoples behaviour... i was with my ex 8 years and i loved him so so much... but he would cancel dates, ignore txt and calls, change plans at the last min... Treat me like i just wasnt important to him... He always thought i loved him and that i would never leave.. He wasnt doing anything THAT bad... but it all added up, everything he did took a bit of my self esteem and my own idea of my self imporantance Until my choice was him or me! I needed to draw a line and say no more! Looks like your friend hit that line and you pushed him over it with your careless behaviour... Treat others how you would like to be treated, if you enjoy being ignored ... ignore others... Being bad with your phone is an EXCUSE! take responsiblity for treating a guy that thought very highly of you rudely Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolchick Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 Hey, I admit I gave him a hard time, but I also had a few problems thats why I didn't contacted him, I know I could have sent a msg or something but still, you guys think he would be that sensitive ? This has never happened to me, but I dont think I would react so negatively... I mean ok it's not cool to cancel dates at the last minute but I mean he knew I am a bit of a crazy girl, I told him that after our first arguement, he seemed to like me enough to keep wanting to see me. I sent him a message today asking if he was upset with me, lets see what he says... Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 Hey, I admit I gave him a hard time, but I also had a few problems thats why I didn't contacted him, I know I could have sent a msg or something but still, you guys think he would be that sensitive ? This has never happened to me, but I dont think I would react so negatively... I mean ok it's not cool to cancel dates at the last minute but I mean he knew I am a bit of a crazy girl, I told him that after our first arguement, he seemed to like me enough to keep wanting to see me. I sent him a message today asking if he was upset with me, lets see what he says... You seem to believe your position in his life is more important than it really is. I don't necessarily think he was being over-sensitive, or reacted "so negatively" - he just shrugged his shoulders and moved on. It would probably be an ego boost for you to think that he was so into you that now he's stewing, upset, and crushed that you weren't available, and in that context, I can see why it would be mystifying to you why he wouldn't try harder. But to bring you back down to earth - it may deflate you a little to hear this - I bet the reality is somewhere along the lines of: he just doesn't care that much. It's not that he's overly sensitive or negative or anything - you just weren't worth the effort. Your perspective seems to be that you are some kind of a prize that he should be willing to overcome obstacles to achieve. In reality, after trying to the degree that he did and not seeing a corresponding effort from your side, he probably decided he just doesn't care, and has moved on. What evidence does he have that continuing to beat his head against that wall would be anything other than a waste of time? If someone like him came to me for advice, describing the interactions you have described (and we're only getting your side, which is likely to be the more favorable to your perspective), I would probably tell him: she's not interested in making an effort; time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolchick Posted March 12, 2009 Author Share Posted March 12, 2009 Well he still haven't answered and today I saw him at the coffee shop we used to go with another girl... Didn't had the courage to go up to him and confront him but I guess you guys were right. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 Well he still haven't answered and today I saw him at the coffee shop we used to go with another girl... Didn't had the courage to go up to him and confront him but I guess you guys were right. I don't mean this to be unkind, but all she had to do was to respond to a couple phone messages or texts with a bit of enthusiasm, and he would have believed her to be much more interested in him than you appeared to be... Link to post Share on other sites
jokerzlife Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 think about this. when you left him to go with your friend that you were suppose to watch movies with. it just shows that you care more about your new friend then him. you remember exactly when you had to leave and when you had to be there. but with him, you said you had to cancle meets or dates or whatever giving him the idea that you don't give a **** about him. sorry for the language. or maybe he had a friend telling him that you were just tryen to drag him around while u were with this other guy. Basically: he still cares about u. its alot easier to not see someone u like goin out with someone else then to hang with them watching them hold eachother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolchick Posted March 18, 2009 Author Share Posted March 18, 2009 I finally confronted him, we bumped into each other in the supermarket yesterday. I asked him what was going on, why was he avoiding me. He asked me if I really wanted to know, I said yes, he then said why would he continue to invest time and energy when I wasn't doing the same, he still liked me and wished me the best but he couldn't continue to see me because I was becoming toxic to him, whatever that means... I was kinda shocked so I just said I was sorry for the whole situation and left. I mean talk about being completly unfair Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 ... he then said why would he continue to invest time and energy when I wasn't doing the same... Simple, honest, and to the point. Read back and that's what people in this thread have been telling you, based on your own description of the situation. So, he thinks that from his side, we all think it from hearing your side. I was kinda shocked... I'm thinking you're probably the only one. I mean talk about being completly unfair What do you believe was his obligation to you that he didn't fulfill that makes it "completely" unfair? Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 i guess this is the classic" no matter how good she looks, somewhere,somebody was tired of butting up with her crap" Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 I finally confronted him, we bumped into each other in the supermarket yesterday. I asked him what was going on, why was he avoiding me. He asked me if I really wanted to know, I said yes, he then said why would he continue to invest time and energy when I wasn't doing the same, he still liked me and wished me the best but he couldn't continue to see me because I was becoming toxic to him, whatever that means... I was kinda shocked so I just said I was sorry for the whole situation and left. I mean talk about being completly unfair He realized you weren't that into him and moved on. How is that unfair? Link to post Share on other sites
Susie1 Posted March 19, 2009 Share Posted March 19, 2009 jeez everyone here is completely right but everyone is human and we make mistakes he's hurt form u ****ing around with him and is p***ed that u badgered him about it later people have to move one in order not to get hurt. no matter how hard it is you'd just have to respect the fact he's doesn't want to go through such emotional stress and is trying to move on. And you've got to realise that anything can happen form 1 thing cuz all of this builds up. You made a mistake, oh well, its almost impossible to say no to someone no matter how u phrase it, and expect them to 100% ok, especailly as it looked like, even if it's not true, that you'd had a big problem with him liking you. You just have to forget him and move on or forget the whole topic at least and try to start a fresh Link to post Share on other sites
leapy Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 Having read through the whole thread I feel I have to say something. I realise that you didn't mean to but you hurt this guys feelings, a lot. He was clearly in to you but insted of giving him a clear set of signals you chose to string him along and then shove your new BF in his face. I've been in that position before, that hurts. Maybe it was a bit of an ego trip to see him pine after you but it was only ever going to last so long. Quite frankly I would have buggerd off long before. You said in your first post that you thought he was a "sweet" guy, well it sounds to me like he was having a few issues with self esteem. When he realised that you were stringing him along he had the balls to drop you. I'm glad he did, he's probably going to be a better and stronger person because of it. When you realised he liked you you could have done either of 2 things: 1) Tell him that you wernt into him. ( don't care how you phrase it, tell him you don't want to have a short affair in a country where you don't plan on settling down. tell him that you didn't want to be in a relationship right then, etc etc. I'm sure you can think up some clechies yourself) 2) Give him some clear signals that you liked him and take things from there (assuming you did of course) Insted you chose to string him along which makes you a cocktease to be honest. Women like you are why "sweet" guys are also called "dormats" in the modern female lexicon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coolchick Posted March 22, 2009 Author Share Posted March 22, 2009 I just love it how all of you seem to be defending my friend and make me look like a bad girl... like I already said, there's some stuff I regret but still is it all my fault ? I already tried talking to him, I enjoyed the time we spent together, if he really liked me I dont think he would just start avoiding me without first talking to me. He didn't even asked for the his books or his shirt back. Maybe he does have emotional problems, confidence problems but well I already cried because of him, time to move on I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Susie1 Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 I just love it how all of you seem to be defending my friend and make me look like a bad girl... like I already said, there's some stuff I regret but still is it all my fault ? I already tried talking to him, I enjoyed the time we spent together, if he really liked me I dont think he would just start avoiding me without first talking to me. He didn't even asked for the his books or his shirt back. Maybe he does have emotional problems, confidence problems but well I already cried because of him, time to move on I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Susie1 Posted March 22, 2009 Share Posted March 22, 2009 too right hun youve defintely lost him you'll just have to pull through Link to post Share on other sites
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