Was I too foward???

[mendsley]

Okay so, some of you already know but, I have been seperated for about 6 months from my wife. When this first went down I was tore up, begging, pleading, and what ever else I can do to force her back to me.

 

After counseling, ALLOT of reading forums and books, I realized that I was acting complete opposite of how I should react. So I gave her space, I am patient, I respect her wishes, and I am really trying to better myself and learn how to treat a wife.

 

Well from day one she is not into working on us, not even a tiny bit. She is very carefull what she says when we talk, to not give me the wrong vibe, and she RARELY contacts me, when she does it is mainly cause she has a question.

 

So today I was at a book store looking at Dr. Phil's book "Relationship Rescue" and thought maybe I would text her to see if I bought her a copy would she read it. She said "Honostly I would not read it, but thanks for thinking of me".

 

So I asked her "why are we still married? I'm not being rude or angry so please don't be angry but, if there is nothing there why continue?

 

She replied "Thats true and makes sense, but i don't know".

 

I'm not sure what to do from here, I do want to stay married with this woman but, she is making NO effort to work on our relationship.

 

Is this something that I should wait around for and eventually she will decide or ????

 

I want to make the right decision and not be rational, so any advice would be great.

 

thanks,

MIKE

[TrustInYourself]

There's a big difference between knowing what to do and how to behave and actually doing it. You're still not ready to get back with her.

 

Yes, you were too forward. Not only that, you just showed her how co-dependent you are on her, to make a life decision. You're showing your cards, creating no mystery, creating no consequences.

 

You're like a little boy asking if it's okay to be in love with her and married.

 

You practically begged for reassurance from her and she told you find your own. Now you are asking us what to do when you should be asking yourself.

 

You are too keyed into her. She's running this show completely and you're going to lose her because you are second best to the independence she has now.

 

So what do you do?

[Tyra]

I don't think you were being too forward. It's been six months since the two of you been seperated, and you basically wanted to know where the two of you stand and will their be a future. From what it sounds like to me, it seems that she doesn't want it to work or doesn't have any type of care. As simple as the book. She know that a book with good constructive criticism can help rebuild the relationship, but yet she didn't even want to be bothered. But before the two of you seperated, did the both of you go to counseling together? Or just you alone?

[mendsley]

But before the two of you seperated, did the both of you go to counseling together? Or just you alone?

Well she was in the middle of an online affair while we seperated, and before I knew we were in trouble she had already decided to move away. I have asked many times to go to counseling afterwards and she refused, and I have been going to counseling for 5 months and I really enjoy it, I have told her how much it help recognize things that are important to a married couple.

 

TrustInYourself I know what you are saying and I have even giving others the same advice, but there is this part of me that wants to know so bad what to do. I would really like to know if she would like to work on things than I will prepare for that road but if she honostly does not see a future for us I would like to know so I could start healing myself emotionally.

 

So what do you do?

 

I want to work on our relationship, but after saying that I can see how that looks selfish with no regard on what she wants, but holy crap she does'nt even know what she wants. I do agree with Tyra about the book deal, she could at least give it a try.

 

I guess I am not losing anything by waiting, I am not trying to see anyone else or have the desire. So maybe just keep waiting......

[Chessy02]

Hi, i'm basically in the same , only that I didn't beg her to return - not ready to compromise my position in view of not allowing myself to look stupid in future. My wife was in the middle of an online affair (Second Life); being living double life under my nose without an incline. Caught her and she left 2 days later. Initially pleaded and suggested MC. Realised early last week that she filed for divorce. Came in one night late last week - not sure why, but under the pretence that she wanted a book, and some undies. She didn't tell me she was coming - phone rang, I saw her number - ignored it. she called several times and rang the bell, then I opened the door. Guess what, she noticed that our joint photos were all gone.

 

She called today out of the blue and I noticed I was very cold towards her. It was just question and answer stuff. Never asked any questions, she did all. I can see I'm in grieving anger stage, heading towards full acceptance.

 

Nonetheless, I'm unsure what her game plan is. Whatever it is is her problem.

[Dad_of_3]

I think you've already answered the question for yourself.

You do need time to think it over and make the best informed decision possible.

 

Are there children involved?

If there are, its in your's and their best interest for you to do the right thing before you call it.

 

As for my me, if she doesnt know. She can not know in her own time.

Continual to do what you are doing.

Move forward, grow from the lesson and seek a brighter and better day.

Show her you're open to ways to resolve this but you're not waiting.

You're life and journey began when you knew and said I "WANT" to be a better person/husband

 

Better to cope in the company of good family and friends than to wallow and languish in a 'maybe' relationship.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

IMHO, she is in her 'club hopping, meet guys, be free again, and see what I missed out on in life' stage...

 

Will she ever come out of it? I think likely she will. Will it be anytime soon? That is almost impossible to predict.

 

What should you do in the meantime? Work on yourself, and assume that by the time she realizes what she has given up and lost (years from now), you will have moved on and have no interest in reconciliation. It is ok, in my opinion, to hope inside of you, that reconciliation is near and going to happen soon. But somehow, if you choose to hope that, you must COMPLETELY hide that hope from her. She cannot see that part of you in any shape or form.

 

In the meantime, just work on yourself, and improve your self in every way possible. For your future, for your kids, for your long term spiritual, mental, and physical health...

[Gunny376]

She's told you all you need to know! She's not going? She's gone! The only difference between you and her and the Titantic is that the Titantic had a band playing when she went down?

 

Why waste your time with her? By the time a woman actually leaves you physically, she's left you mentally, emotionally over a year ago or more. And the chances of getting her back are slim and next to none ~ and "Slim?" His happy @ss just left town which leaves you SOL!

 

Your best bet is to get your head and @ss wired back together, and in this economy you've best be doing it 'quick, fast, and in a hurry like' and your better off doing that on your lonesome!

 

She had her chance with you ~ so quit being so damned selfish and give another girl/woman a chance! They're out there everyday! Just one good woman looking for just one good man!

 

From what I've seen on the internet?

 

You've got a job?

 

You've got a career?

 

You've got a car?

 

You've not been to prison?

 

You don't have a criminal record?

 

Your not married?

 

Your not a cheater?

 

You don't have an STD?

 

Your not a drunk?

 

Your not addicted to drugs?

 

You don't have a rape conviction?

 

Your not a child molestor?

 

Your not a pervert?

 

Your romantic?

 

 

And on and on and on.............................

 

Where have you been all of my life?

 

Seriously, if your half way normal? You can more than find yourself a decent woman!

[Owl]

Honestly...I'd agree.

 

It's been six months of seperation, and she still refuses to even consider talking to you about marriage.

 

Cut the cord.

 

I don't recall...are you supporting her in ANY fashion during this seperation?

 

If so...cut it off...NOW. Without warning. Simply tell her that you've had enough...if she's that indifferent to you, to your marriage, then there's no reason at all you should support her...let her find out what life COMPLETELY without you is like.

[mendsley]

Thanks everyone for the input, it does help me see things from a different angle.

 

I do agree Gunny, I do possess good qualities that I am sure many woman would be attracted to. I guess my problem is, for some reason, I am having a problem cutting the cord. I really do think I would be better off without her, she really did not provide anything that would make up a good marriage partner, I did all the work.

 

Owl, the only support I give is child support and being her god damn servent, THAT $hit is gonna stop right now. I would do anything at the drop of a dime for her, but not no more.

 

You know I think what my problem is I have been waiting for something from her to help me understand for 100% that she is completely gone, and I think I got it yesterday. I really do not want to deal with her crap no more.

 

I am gonna try to move on without her, it is what she really wants. I just don't understand how she could not have the ability to tell me IT'S OVER! Oh well

 

MIKE

[seibert253]

She's told you all you need to know! She's not going? She's gone! The only difference between you and her and the Titantic is that the Titantic had a band playing when she went down?

 

Why waste your time with her? By the time a woman actually leaves you physically, she's left you mentally, emotionally over a year ago or more. And the chances of getting her back are slim and next to none ~ and "Slim?" His happy @ss just left town which leaves you SOL!

 

Your best bet is to get your head and @ss wired back together, and in this economy you've best be doing it 'quick, fast, and in a hurry like' and your better off doing that on your lonesome!

 

She had her chance with you ~ so quit being so damned selfish and give another girl/woman a chance! They're out there everyday! Just one good woman looking for just one good man!

 

From what I've seen on the internet?

 

You've got a job?

 

You've got a career?

 

You've got a car?

 

You've not been to prison?

 

You don't have a criminal record?

 

Your not married?

 

Your not a cheater?

 

You don't have an STD?

 

Your not a drunk?

 

Your not addicted to drugs?

 

You don't have a rape conviction?

 

Your not a child molestor?

 

Your not a pervert?

 

Your romantic?

 

 

And on and on and on.............................

 

Where have you been all of my life?

 

Seriously, if your half way normal? You can more than find yourself a decent woman!

 

Once again Gunny's right on the mark.

[HiYa'll]

Throw away Dr. Phil's book and get a copy of Dr. Glover's book. No More Mr. Nice Guy. It sounds from your posts like you might benefit. It's not about learning to be an a-hole. It's about learning not to be a doormat to try to get women to like you. Women can recognize a doormat and will never respect one. Women will not be passionate about anyone they don't respect. I have read the book numerous times. Anyone I've given it to has given it high marks.

[mendsley]

I googled Dr. Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy and it seems pretty interesting. I am gonna run down to Barnes and Nobel to see if they have a copy, thanks.

 

MIKE

[2sure]

Mendsley,

 

You know exactly what to do. You are sensitive to a fault, need maybe to read that book, need maybe to make some changes....but through all of this ... You are No Dummy. I dont think you need advice as much as you need to vent. You know what to do.

 

I think that you are going to read that book, and find it agrees with things you already know or suspect. Which is great because it will let you give yourself permission to take the path you are already facing.

[HiYa'll]

Dr. Glover has a forum similar to this one on NMMNG stuff. Take a look there too if you haven't.

 

2sure has a good point...most of the time we do have a gut feeling for what is wrong but often lack the perspective or context to make the appropriate changes. I think the book will provide you some of that if you give it a shot.

 

One thing...this book will help you work on you. It isn't a "save your relationship today" book. Gunny is 100% correct when he says this boat has sailed. Your woman is moving on and so should you. I guarantee Glover's book will provide you some insight and some hope that your next relationship won't end up like this one. "Nice Guys" tend to end up in the same jackpot over and over again. Hopefully you will find some strategies that will help you with your next relationship. You are now separated so really think about how you can use this time to develop yourself.

 

Good luck!

[mendsley]

After this last dealings with her telling me she did not want to try "again", something has finally snapped. I no longer have the need to know what she is doing and how can I get her to notice me. I do have to say, on thing my counselor told me is that I should NOT be the one to file since I am not the one who is initiating all this, I do aggree with him!

 

I do see a lot of these qualities of "The Nice Guy" and some I would like to hold on to and some I would like to change. I did read some pages of the book from amazon and it is crazy how much I can relate to "The Nice Guy". Don't get me wrong I do like being the nice guy, but there needs to be boundries, most of the time I help people and they seem to keep stretching the limits and I let them, so I need to work on that.

 

2sure, like always, you are correct. There are few people here that say things and I feel like holy crap they are so right, and lucky you, your one of them.

 

I have decided to NO LONGER wait hand and feet to this person who has nothing for me, I have decided to focus all my strengths and devotion to my son and two step sons.

 

I am going to buy No More Mr. Nice Guy but I would like also to have some feedback from others who can recommend a good parenting book.

 

I do feel like I am doing a pretty good job, but I know we can always expand in parenting.

 

I am going to see my counselor today and he always seems to get me to NOT give up on winning back the wife, but today we are going to rechannel our time into something that will better me as a parent.

 

One last thing, this might sound like a no brainer, but I have no desire to date or get into another relationship.

 

Will this pass?

How long should I wait?

Should I have high standards?

[2sure]

Every once in a while I feel like I need a refresh on parenting. Issues come up, my daughter changes, etc. There is so much out there.

 

I think the best advice comes from authors who have the same parenting values that you do. I look to John Rosmond , he is old school, but his advice speaks to me and I use it. Its parenting advice - but valuable in all aspects of life really.

 

As a matter of fact, given your leanings for being nice, not making waves...you probably dont want that to affect your parenting . Kids need substantial direction and expectations...Rosemond (sp) is good.

[HiYa'll]

It's great to hear you've turned a corner. I really got the feeling you were trying to fight to save a relationship that only existed in your head. I believe we should work on these things when there is something to work on. You don't just want to throw in the towel. But after what your woman pulled and then the fact that she clearly has no intention of figuring things out with you. It's over. Do you feel better having made that decision for yourself?

 

Just to be clear, Glover's book is not meant to make you into someone who is mean or unpleasant. The "Nice Guy" syndrome has a lot of negatives attached to it because generally you would rather do anything than lose a relationship...including lie, cheat, pander, beg, cry, etc. The way out is all about setting boundaries and respecting yourself, thereby garnering the respect of others.

 

I think partially what you may be dealing with is this sense of scarcity. In relationships we tend to fall into this negative thought pattern that says "This is the person I love. I have to make sure they continue to love me. If for some reason they stop loving me I must be doing something wrong. So I'll work even harder to make them love me. And if she DOESN'T love me after I've done all this then NO ONE will ever love me. SO I BETTER TRY EVEN HARDER." And, Mike, that will never work. Cut the chord. Read the book. Better luck next time. There are thousands of available women. Find a better one this time around.

[reservoirdog1]

I think you should see a lawyer, serve her with court papers, and get the divorce started.

 

If she's actually sitting on the fence, that'll force her to sit up and realize that you're serious, and that you're taking concrete steps to move on with your life without her. The prospect of actually losing you will cause her, in this situation, to start working on fixing things.

 

And if she does want the marriage to end, then even better -- you'll be that much closer to that goal, and best to get it out of the way and get on with your life.

 

Nobody says the divorce has to be a bloodbath -- you just need to get the wheels in motion.

[mendsley]

Thanks HiYa'll for the encouragement, it is pretty amazing when you go thru this. At first it was the end of the world, but now I can almost say it is a blessing in disguise.

 

While I was with her my only focus was to keep her happy, and now I am learning so much about who I am and how certain things I was doing is completely backwards.

 

I have been going to the gym, whitened my teeth, individual counseling, trying to learn more and more how to treat a woman and now really focus on how to be a good parent.

 

I never would of done any of this if this crap would'nt of went down, maybe after I am totally done I should write her a thank you letter, JK. It will be hard for me cause they are all I had, but I will be a better person and who ever else I have a relationship with again will have somebody worth keeping.

[HiYa'll]

Sounds like you are on a good path. Just a question The gym, the teeth, etc. Was that for you? Or was that to get your ex-to like you better? No need to answer...just think about it. In any case you are working on you now...so good job.

 

Do you have many male friends?