Boyfriend's Past Sex Life Haunting His Future Wife! How to get over it?

[kappadisney]

Please help me get over this! I have been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years. We are planning on getting married, etc. He is my best friend, my soul mate, my life. I have never felt like this with anyone before, and neither has he. I love him so much.

So, of course there's some kind of problem. The problem is that he is not a virgin. He lost it in high school, and had sex once again in college with a "friend". The idea of him being with someone else like that sickens me, makes me cry. Yet, this happened 6 and 2 years before he even met me! How can I hold it against him? I went to an all girls school so I didnt even KISS anyone till college! Though, overall I have hooked up with more people, I NEVER went as far as he did. I wanted to save my virginity for the person I knew I would marry. And I did. After we were together for over a year, I decided I was ready to lose my virginity. It was wonderful. He was so sweet and he let me go at my own pace and held my hand the whole time. I have no regrets about that. I just wish it were his first time, too.

He says that

1. Just because it wasn't his first time, doesn't mean it wasn't just as special to him.

2. It's much more special to be someone's LAST than someone's FIRST.

3. He doesn't think about the other girls he's been with anymore than I think of the other guys I've been with. Sex doesn't make that different.

4. He wasn't in love with either of the two girls, although he did like them a lot and have a "strong connection" I am the only person he's had friendship, love and sexual intimacy with.

5. He didn't think sex was something he wanted to save for one person. He just wanted to see what it was all about, and had the opportunity. The person he lost his virginity to wasn't a virgin either, so it's not like someone else had this losing the virginity to each other experience I wanted.

6. He thinks that you should only come inside someone you want to be with for the rest of your life. So he never did that with them, only me. So in a way, what both of us wanted to save for out soul mate, we did save for each other, except they weren't the same thing.

 

I guess I am trying to be objective and in that way I think- it was a long time ago, he didn't cheat on you. He's fantastic. Concentrate on the future and get over it. I feel like I'm living in a dream world with little bunnies and leprauchans if I thought that at my age (almost 24) I would find a nonvirgin to marry. Odds are that the one I fell in love with would not be a virgin. I never really thought he would be as I rarely met male virgins in college. Yet, when reality hits you in the face, it's upsetting. I hate the idea that other people have already done what was so precious to me. That there are two girls out in this world who already did that with MY boyfriend. MY future husband. He doesn't talk to them so I'm not worried about anything like that. I know he is 100 percent in love and faithful like me.

It is not fair to him or to me, to let this past torture us. I need to get over it. To stop thinking about it. To get the images out of my mind. But I don't know how.

Please help me?

[VASH THE STAMPEDE]

Its like I said in prior posts.

It was in the past you were no where near his life at time ,so forget about it .

What matters its that he loves you and you alone.So why ruin that dwelling on something you never where involved in.

[Tony T]

WOW, you're a pretty lucky lady! The majority of men have had sexual intercourse with 5, 10, 15 or more females before they decide to settle down. Some men can't even remember the number of women they've been with. You've got a saint on your hands. He's a man above men. Go find something else to worry about. The chances of you having found a guy who had been so selective and discrete about his sexual contacts are very low.

[moimeme]

Once you've had sex yourself, you'll realize it's not that big a deal. It really is not. The 'first time' is all well and fine but it's not as significant event as realizing that you've found the love of your life, or marrying the love of your life, or your wedding day or having your child. Really, it's nice that you saved it but it's not that extraordinarily fabulous a thing that it really requires being thought 'precious' to the extent that you suffer over its 'loss'.

 

The very first kiss is special. Did you reserve your very first kiss for this man? What would you think if your fiance was mad at you and all in a state because you did't save your very first kiss for him?

 

Really, it's just sex. It's a big deal until you've had it and then it isn't at all. Tony's right. Your guy is relatively 'untouched' in a world where 12-year-olds are having oral sex. Grab him and hold him tight.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Almost four years ago, when I first found the forum, I was in the same quandary as you. The guy I was falling for had been with more sexual partners than you could count on four hands. What was more difficult for me, is that some of these ex-lovers still remained close friends and were a part of his immediate social circle…always calling, emailing, and meeting him for ‘lunch’ and such. It was difficult for me being introduced to these women because I was constantly being reminded that at some point they had been right were I was. The last thing I wanted for myself was to join that pathetic harem of ex-lovers turned platonic friends and become yet another notch on some player’s belt. Not to mention my phobia of contacting STD’s!

 

Talk about NOT feeling special!

 

I was about to bail out. All the red flags, bells and whistles were sounding. This was not the kind of man I saw myself having any kind of meaningful relationship with. I deduced that because he was much younger than me, that we were at different places in our lives and he still had a few “wild oats” to sew before growing up.

 

I came to this forum, like you, asking many of the same questions. Tony, and many of the others were kind enough to give me their perspective. Some used the term “male slut,” and told me to run --- while others were kind enough to point out (as Tony has) that it wasn’t unusual for a single man in his late twenties to have accumulated so many sexual partners. I guess being in a monogamous relationship for many years, I was somewhat sheltered and “out of touch” with how the single world lived.

 

Thanks to receiving the same advice as you, I decided to relax a little, let down my guard, and just give it a chance. It was hard work, but I learned it’s sometimes better not to focus on someone’s “past,” but rather work on creating a better and stronger future.

 

My partner and I have now been together for four years this November. Our relationship ‘is’ special because it is different than any of the others we experienced in our past. If I hadn’t come to this forum and been encouraged to give it another chance, I may have missed out on the happiest four years in my entire life.

 

Sex is just sex. But “love” brings it into a whole other dimension. You ARE special, and don’t ever doubt otherwise!