kizik Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 What do I mean, exactly? As the saying goes, we teach people how to treat us. So if we're passive when someone calls us names, gives us the silent treatment, is generally disrespectful - and I'm talking about friendships here, too, not just relationships - then we are teaching them that it is OK to be mean to us. We'll take it, lying down, because we do not value ourselves. I do not mean to be preaching to the choir, or stating the obvious. I know a lot of people on LS already have great self-esteem. This is just a friendly reminder to value ourselves - in friendships, relationships, family, work and everything else. Something I struggle with is the line between valuing myself, and being defensive, insecure and unreasonably responsive. Teach the right thing - dignity, kindness, and above all, self-worth. Link to post Share on other sites
era Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Teach the right thing - dignity, kindness, and above all, self-worth. And just to add - the more you extend kindness to yourself , the more it will become your automatic response to others . Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Way to go, guys!! :D Link to post Share on other sites
Peter_pan Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 so if some one has a problem with you, you should be a better person and leave it. or discuss the issue and resovle it, or bang them out Link to post Share on other sites
Ross PK Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Isn't being the better person and leaving it the same as taking it lying down though? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kizik Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Isn't being the better person and leaving it the same as taking it lying down though? Great question, this goes back to what I was saying about standing up for yourself, but not being overly responsive or paranoid. You have to be the judge. If you feel taken advantage of or mistreated, say something. Don't put up with it. But if someone you don't care about is simply being a jerk - ignore them. Not worth your time. Link to post Share on other sites
Stockalone Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 What do I mean, exactly? As the saying goes, we teach people how to treat us. So if we're passive when someone calls us names, gives us the silent treatment, is generally disrespectful - and I'm talking about friendships here, too, not just relationships - then we are teaching them that it is OK to be mean to us. We'll take it, lying down, because we do not value ourselves. I would agree that bullies/users only respond to strength.The only thing I don't like about what you said, is that it makes it seem like those who aren't able or seemingly unwilling to stand up for themselves (for whatever reason) are responsible for what happens to them or even deserve to be abused. The abuse is not the victims fault. It is still wrong to take advantage or abuse someone, even if that person lets it happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kizik Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 it makes it seem like those who aren't able or seemingly unwilling to stand up for themselves (for whatever reason) are responsible for what happens to them or even deserve to be abused. The abuse is not the victims fault. It is still wrong to take advantage or abuse someone, even if that person lets it happen. No, they certainly don't deserve abuse. But it is our fault when we remain in relationships that clearly hurt us. I see so many unhappy people out there, and I used to feel sorry for them. But the fact is that they make choices (to fear solitude, to disrespect themselves, sell out their own worth) that lead to their misery. I no longer pity those who are treated badly, because we all have the choice to leave the abusive husband, to ignore the negative parents, to stop hanging out with the alcoholic, loser friend. It's just that we're *scared*. Scared of being alone. But when you are alone, without a soul in the world, and you still like yourself, and you have faced your greatest fear... that, my friends, is freedom like you've never known. Link to post Share on other sites
Stockalone Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 No, they certainly don't deserve abuse. But it is our fault when we remain in relationships that clearly hurt us. I see so many unhappy people out there, and I used to feel sorry for them. But the fact is that they make choices (to fear solitude, to disrespect themselves, sell out their own worth) that lead to their misery. In many cases, that is probably true. But I think there are also cases where it isn't simple. Sexual assaults or domestic violence. There is psychological damage. And while I have no first hand experience with either one, I have seen what kind of psychological damage soldiers in the field can sustain. I am pretty sure that many women will be in a state of shock, or have problems with establishing boundaries as a result of sexual assault or domestic violence. Especially if there is no treatment because the incident is being (subconsciously) suppressed. I no longer pity those who are treated badly, because we all have the choice to leave the abusive husband, to ignore the negative parents, to stop hanging out with the alcoholic, loser friend. It's just that we're *scared*. Scared of being alone. If they can see and process logically what is happening to them, then I agree. But as I stated above, I believe there are cases where those people don't even realize what exactly is happening to them. But when you are alone, without a soul in the world, and you still like yourself, and you have faced your greatest fear... that, my friends, is freedom like you've never known. That depends on what a person's greatest fear is. If it is being alone, then yes, leaving an abusive relationship and being on your own is a huge step. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kizik Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 I believe there are cases where those people don't even realize what exactly is happening to them. I think you're right, and part of the point of this thread is to hopefully be a reminder to some people: if you're being ignored, called names, physically assaulted, treated like a nuisance... these are all forms of abuse. I used to hang out with my girlfriend when we were pissed off at each other. Just driving in the car and giving the other the silent treatment. I look back on that and think, "Why, exactly, would I put myself through that?" And the answer comes back: because you were afraid of being alone. The ONLY reason I want to hang out with ANYONE is to enjoy their company. If that's not happening, and on a consistent basis - get out! Life is too short to deal with unhappiness. "But I love him." Well then by all means, stick with him. Tolerate every terrible thing he does and says to you. Because you love him. Link to post Share on other sites
Stockalone Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 I think you're right, and part of the point of this thread is to hopefully be a reminder to some people: True, it gives them a chance to take a step back and look at their own relationship. "But I love him." Well then by all means, stick with him. Tolerate every terrible thing he does and says to you. Because you love him. They hope he or she will change, that it was a one-time gaffe. Then things get slightly better and maybe months or even years down the line it happens again and they will once again hope for a change. It simply takes some people longer to accept that things might never change. Others have never experienced a happy, healthy relationship. They don't know anything else, so they never questioned it. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 K I so agree with what you're saying. I just think it's difficult. And it definately does come from fear. The comments about love struck me most of all - it's true that so many of us use 'I love him/her' as an excuse to put up with things but I mean with love, I think that is so hard to stop. They might do something bad once, you give them a second chance, and things never change but by then you become so desensitised, so afraid, so 'stuck' even if it is you that has trapped yourself, then you can't even begin to understand how to crawl out. The worst traps for human beings nowadays are mental and emotional ones that we construct for ourselves. It is never really another person that does this to us, it is always us. As you say, we always have the choice. We can always remove ourselves from harm (unless you have some very unique or serious implications that mean you can't) but sometimes it seems a case of better the devil you know than the ones you don't. Fear is the motivation for most of our actions. It is very difficult to find the strength, respect and capability within yourself and far easier to believe in and follow the strength and power of others. It's so hard to find your own way. That's why people often can only do it when pushed to extremes or when it is forced upon them. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 True, it gives them a chance to take a step back and look at their own relationship. They hope he or she will change, that it was a one-time gaffe. Then things get slightly better and maybe months or even years down the line it happens again and they will once again hope for a change. It simply takes some people longer to accept that things might never change. Others have never experienced a happy, healthy relationship. They don't know anything else, so they never questioned it. I agree with the last point. A lot of people do not know what a healthy, functional relationship is. They only know the relationships they see in real life or on tv and that is often ever increasingly dysfunctional. As such all they know is what they feel and if thats strong enough, then that overrides everything else. Link to post Share on other sites
knaveman Posted March 12, 2009 Share Posted March 12, 2009 The hardest thing a person ever has to do is accept that they are responsible for almost everything that happens to them. There are exceptions of course, but as K said, we show others how to treat us. Personally, I am 100% responsible for my own life and the people I deal with. If I am ever being treated poorly or have been treated poorly, I re-examine that relationship and find out if it is really helping my life progress. I never feel pity for anyone, I just wish I could help everyone see how to live a better life. I will never blame others for the things that happen to me and I will never blame myself for the things that happen to me. I will only live the way I want to live without exception. Good thread kizik. Link to post Share on other sites
Author kizik Posted March 12, 2009 Author Share Posted March 12, 2009 Good thread kizik. Sh*t, great response, knave. Link to post Share on other sites
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