Psychological/Mentally Abusive Parent

[Bethiepooh]

(Thinking how to condense a long story.....................)

 

Let's start by saying that the last 13-14 years have been absolute mental and psychological chaos. My mother is very controlling and manipulative. She has to know everything that is going on and if she doesn't, she will threaten you. It has been as severe as her telling me I was allergic to some foods just because they aren't healthy. When I went to try those foods, I was so scared, I almost got sick. I tried them and everything was fine. I confronted her about it and that's when she told me that they are not good for me.

 

I have lived out of the house for almost a year now, but only live about 20 minutes away. But, at least she cannot use the "You live under my roof (my dad's actually - mom doesn't work, but I wish she has over the years), you go by my rules."

 

Since this has gone on so long and I am now 24, it is effecting my life in many ways. My mother and I have had a weird relationship. I am best friends with her, but I am best enemies. I know that is typical, but this is actually horrible. It has affected a relationship I was in and that has been put on hold b/c he told me "I need a supporting friendship right now more than I need a relationship." I think that is great and respect him for that.

 

My self-esteem has been greatly impacted by this treatment over the last 13-14 years. My mother refuses to get help, so I realize that I have to get help for myself. I simply cannot go on like this. My current psychological state has impacted my intimate relationships, my spirituality, my job, and any other aspect you can think of. It's to the point where I fear telling my mom things because she focuses on the negative. But, I also feel horrible if I don't tell her something b/c I feel like I will be hiding something/lying to her.

 

I have avoided calling her the last few weeks, but she has called me every day. It is to the point that she is recognizing it and is asking me about it. I refuse to talk to her about it until I talk to my counselor, which will be tonight. I am pretty depressed about the whole situation right now and just want casual/friendly advice.

 

My parents are still married (unfortunately) and my dad is absolutely miserable for the same reasons I am. I have confided in him a small amount, but he told me yesterday not to confide him with anything about my mother anymore. I understand that concern, but that's one less person I can go to.

 

When I talk to my mother, it will have very negative impacts on my relationship with my father and brother. It will probably cause hell in their house and I will feel guilty about it.

 

I hung up on my mother Monday night b/c she wasn't listening to anything I was saying. I automatically had a guilt trip (which triggered depression) and called her to apologize. Luckily, she was in the tub. I found out yesterday that my parents stayed up talking until 2am Monday night and I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty for everything that happens in the house even though I do not live there.

 

Unfortunately, my relationship with this guy gets the grunt of all my emotional stress and it hacks me off. Why would that be happening? My mind isn't allowing my heart to trust him, even though he has never done anything wrong - he is wonderful!!

 

Any advice on A.) Whether I should even sit down and talk to my mom OR B.) Why everything defaults to the awesome relationship I am involved in, would be GREATLY appreciated!

 

And, FYI: I am currently seeing a wonderful psychologist who is helping me greatly and next Monday, I will be seeing a psychiatrist. I think that I may suffer from OCD due, in part, to this situation.

[LadyX]

It looks like talking to your Mom doesn't really do any good. I suggest sitting down and writing a long letter to your Mother, tell her all your feelings about the situation, how it is affecting you...etc. Suggest she go to counseling with you so you can work on your relationship, if she refuses, let her know that you will have to break the ties with her so you can heal and move on with your life. I also suggest you tell her in your letter, exactly what you've told us here. Has your family (Father, brother...) ever considered an intervention? Meaning...gathering together and discussing this with her as a united front? In this situation, she would be forced to see the truth, and the hurt she's caused her family.

[HokeyReligions]

The reason our parents can push all our buttons is because they installed them!

 

It's good that you are seeing a counselor because you have got to dump this guilt stuff. You are no more responsible for your parents, or anyone else, then you are responsible for me. Its easier said than done - I think we've all felt our share of guilt over the years.

 

You are not obligated to tell her anything.

Let's start by saying that the last 13-14 years have been absolute mental and psychological chaos. My mother is very controlling and manipulative. She has to know everything that is going on and if she doesn't, she will threaten you. It has been as severe as her telling me I was allergic to some foods just because they aren't healthy. When I went to try those foods, I was so scared, I almost got sick. I tried them and everything was fine. I confronted her about it and that's when she told me that they are not good for me.

 

It sounds like she was/is trying to protect you in the only way she knows how -- by knowing what you are doing/going to protect you from outside threats, and monitoring your eating to keep your insides healthy. Did she ever have a weight problem? I'll be honest, when my kids were little I did not allow sweets in the house, or chips or anything like that because everyone in my family and in my husbands family has weight problems. It had crossed my mind to tell them that they were allergic to certain foods just to scare them from eating them. I didn't have to because they listened to me when I said "NO" and when I explained that it could harm them and make them fat. They experiement when they were older and that was okay because by then they had not developed a strong desire for some of this junk food. Anyway, she may be trying to protect you. I'm curious why you would potentially endanger your life by trying something that you previously believed you were allergic to?

 

My self-esteem has been greatly impacted by this treatment over the last 13-14 years. My mother refuses to get help, so I realize that I have to get help for myself. I simply cannot go on like this. My current psychological state has impacted my intimate relationships, my spirituality, my job, and any other aspect you can think of. It's to the point where I fear telling my mom things because she focuses on the negative. But, I also feel horrible if I don't tell her something b/c I feel like I will be hiding something/lying to her.

This is totally you and not her. You control your feelings and your actions. Keep going to therapy and work on this. It's up to you to not feel "horrible." Your mother does not have to know everything in your life.

I have avoided calling her the last few weeks, but she has called me every day. It is to the point that she is recognizing it and is asking me about it. I refuse to talk to her about it until I talk to my counselor, which will be tonight. I am pretty depressed about the whole situation right now and just want casual/friendly advice.

HURRAY FOR YOU! You are doing all the right things - it just takes time. Hold on to the fact that you are taking control over your life, you are taking action, and realize that it may take a while -- it took 24 years for your mother to screw you up - you can't expect to get yourself "un-screwed" overnight. Be patient - you are on the right track!

 

 

When I talk to my mother, it will have very negative impacts on my relationship with my father and brother. It will probably cause hell in their house and I will feel guilty about it.

 

There is nothing for you to feel guilty about. You are setting an example for them by getting out of the situation and by taking control of your life.

 

I hung up on my mother Monday night b/c she wasn't listening to anything I was saying. I automatically had a guilt trip (which triggered depression) and called her to apologize. Luckily, she was in the tub. I found out yesterday that my parents stayed up talking until 2am Monday night and I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty for everything that happens in the house even though I do not live there.

 

Dump the guilt - you are NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYONE ELSE. You didn't put a gun to their heads and make them sit up until 2am. The next time you talk with your mother on the phone and she doesn't listen, tell her that you are going to hang-up now and do it and don't call her back - even if you know she didn't hear you tell her you were hanging up. You need to distance yourself from her - not to show her a lesson, but for your own sake right now.

 

Any advice on A.) Whether I should even sit down and talk to my mom OR B.) Why everything defaults to the awesome relationship I am involved in, would be GREATLY appreciated!

 

A) No

B) That is what is known as "baggage" and we all have it. Don't stress over not trusting him right now - explain to him what is happening in your life. Talk to your counselor about him - if he seems to not understand or is impatient, maybe he could sit in on a therapy session with you. If he leaves you because of this then let him go. He's not the one for you. The right man will stick with you.

[Bethiepooh]

LadyX:

 

No, talking to my mom does no good, it just upsets me. But, for some reason, I feel like she has a right to know what's going on in my mind since a lot of it pertains to her in some way. She will never go to counseling with me because she has no reason to. We have discussed counseling for several years in my family, but she seems to believe that everyone else needs it BUT her - cute huh?

 

 

HokeyReligions:

 

Thanks for the support seeing the counselor. It took me a bit to realize it. I think of all the people that are going through somewhat similar things that aren't willing to admit they need assistance - that's sad.

 

Actually, she claimed these foods caused my epilepsy when I was younger. Unfortunately, I was too young to know what caused them (other than heredity) and she found foods that weren't good for me (that were not causing the seizures), so she took advantage of the opportunity and led me to believe I was allergic to them. There are no weight problems in my family. I have always had a question in my mind as to whether I was allergic to them and after much thought, I decided to try it. And, what do 'ya know - nothing ever happened. I guess I got to the point where I didn't trust my mom at all - yet, I had all the trust in the world in her.

 

I know I control my thoughts and feeling, but for some reason, I have been doing them through her and allowed her to 'run my life' in many ways. That is why I am going to the counselor because I know I need to 'break the apron strings.' I am realizing my mother doesn't need to know everything in my life, but that is a huge struggle right now, but one I will be able to better handle down the road.

 

I know change isn't going to happen overnight and I know it is going to be difficult, but I also know that in the end, I will be my true, grown-up self because, right now (in a lot of ways), I am not grown up. I am still letting others control my life for me, especially my mother.

 

Guilt is something I am trying to force myself out of. If I start to go on a 'mental trip,' I force myself to think the opposite. It is quite hard. My psychologist calls it "cognitive reconfiguration' and I like those terms because it is so true. It will take time and patience, which I will learn much about during this process. I think I am doing pretty good for only going to the psych for about 3 weeks.

 

I am doing my darndest to distance myself from her. I apologize for keep repeating that it's hard, but it's much harder than I ever imagined.

 

He (my friend/temporary ex) knows about everything that is going on and he is completely supportive of it. He asks me after all my appointments how they went and is wonderful for me right now. My counselor is aware of him and how my current situation(s) are effecting our relationship and we are working on that slowly but surely. The main issue is my psych with my mother and I feel that the relationship with him will work itself out quite easily when all my guilt/mistrust goes down. He wouldn't leave me because of this, he assures me and I trust him completely (deep down inside, but not psych right now). Psychologically, I have a fear of losing him, but deep down I know I won't. I have all the faith in the world in that relationship and I am thrilled that he is being so great through this - he is wonderful (and, I know I keep saying that too!). I think down the road, the psych will want him to sit in on a session, but not at this time. I will ask him to sit in on one or two when she (psych) requests it.

 

Thanks for all y'alls advice (Sorry, I'm from Texas!) and I look forward to reading replies. This is great for me.

[hillaryhof]

Hey there, I also want to commend you for finding some help. Not many people can do that, and unfortunately, your mother is one of them. It seems as though you fall in this guilt trap, because the boundaries between you and mother are quite blurred. You speak of her being your best friend at times and at other times she is trying to control you, or her needing to know everything in your life. Your mother does not have to know everything, nor is she entitled to know everything. Being a friend means having mutual respect, and if she is not giving this to you, she is not a friend.

 

I would agree that writing a letter would be the most appropriate way to confront her when and if you are ready. I wouldn't just restrict this to one letter, I would sit down whenever I had a conflict such as the one you've described and as mentioned earlier write in complete detail to your mother. You may or may not actually give the letter to her, however, this is not about her, this is about YOUR healing process only.

 

You mentioned earlier that you have very few people to go to, and your father no longer wants to be a confidant. This is actually pretty normal, he is a person that may understand your feelings, but this is also a person who has not gotten any help himself. The Co-dependant relationship that seems to exist between him and your mother really thrives from all of this drama with your mother. For however long they have been married, this is what they've needed to keep the relationship going. While your father may also be a victim of your mothers abuse, he also has a role in it, and until he gets help is just as emotionally sick as your mother.

 

You may find in your healing process, that you may have to re-evaluate the relationships between your father, brother and yourself, not to hurt them, but to help yourself and further remove yourself from the dysfunction of the household. While mom feels to be a large portion of the problem, each of you in the family play a role.

 

Letting go...... This is a challenge and probably the most difficult thing you can do.

As many of us come from extreme dysfunction, we don't grow up in that "Leave It to Beaver" household where all family relationships work and we have a network of support. Some of us adopt circles of friends to replace that network that our family cannot provide. I am by no means telling you to give up on your blood relatives, but to accept the fact that in the end they may not be able to give you what you feel you need. Try using your time to do things that are of interest to you. Try doing a new hobby that you've never done, it seems as though you need to connect with people you can talk to, if you are busy enough the traditional dysfunctional family gatherings will not seem so appealing.

[Bethiepooh]

I have been instructed by my psychologist to write a brief note to my mother and I have no clue what to say. It has to be positive, not negative, and not placing blame. Could y'all (sorry, I am from the South) please advise me or give me some brief examples of what you would say? My note can't be over 3-4 sentences.

 

Also, I have been diagnosed with mild bipolar disorder and placed on some medications, which I fear taking. I know I need them, but I have so much fear right now, I am not sure if I can do it.

 

Any advice on any of my situation would be super.

 

Thanks!

[LadyX]

I wouldn't really know what to say in the note, could your psychologist give you some examples of what to say?

Why would you be afraid to try the meds...they may help you handle you life a little better. If you find they don't help after awhile...inform your Doc, and try something new. Sometimes it takes several tries before you find the meds that are right for you.

[midori]

I'm not sure what your note is supposed to convey -- are you cutting ties with your mom, at least temporarily? Or are you just alerting her to your current situation? I'll assume the latter and suggest:

 

Hi Mom,

 

I know you've been concerned about my silence and absence, I just want to let you know that I'm fine. I have some long-standing issues that I am addressing, with the help of an excellent psychologist. Some of these issues pertain to my relationships with family members, and so I need to make some space for myself until I've got a better sense of what is going on, and how I want to move forward. Don't worry, I won't drop off the radar screen entirely. But I hope you can understand and respect my wish to keep to myself for a while.

[k_rock]

I feel like you are describing my mom. It's very hard, as she sees me and my father and my grandfather and many others in her life as having mental problems, whereas it is her with the problem. If I ever suggested she seek help, her reaction would be explosive. She is very controlling, right down to the color my husband and I should paint our house, to how many times a day we water our geraniums. I don't have any advice for you, as I need some myself. I also feel guilty if I do not call her or check with her about every decision I make in my life. I have been considering getting counseling. I feel for you.

[madisonriley]

My mother is the same way. I would say we have a love/hate relationship. Mother is VERY argumentative. She is also EXTREMELY negative. She never sees the good in people...only the bad. The verbal abuse and emotional abuse still goes on today. I am 34 years old and my mother still yells at me, tells me what to do, and calls me names. One minute she's fine and the next minute she's mad as hell. When we were kids she used to hit us with wire hangers, shoes, flyswatters, anything she could get her hand on. She'd call us stupid, good-for-nothings, fat, ugly, retarded, embasils. This was on a daily basis. Mother is very controlling and she wants to dominate every single relationship she has. She is extremely overbearing and hard to like at times. It's taken me a long time to let go alot of the hate I felt for her. I would love for my mother to be my best friend. But she doesn't inspire me to want to be close to her. I love her because she's my mother and that's about it. She doesn't know how to show love. She rarely says a kind word and she doesn't give presents for b-days and such. My b-day was 5 days ago and she didn't give me anything. It's not like I expected anything anyway. My mother is a very mean person and she doesn't have many friends because she drives people away. My father on the other hand is warm and loving person. I thing if my mother would have been a better parent, I would have turned out to be a better person. I'm shy, don't like being in social settings, don't have many friends, and don't smile. I blame that on her. I live in the same town as her and work with her every day. She owns a restaurant and I work there. There's days when I come home from work feeling like crap because she's put me down in some sort of way. But while I make supper for my family, or water my trees I ration things out in my head and eventually I get over it. She'll never change...It's just a matter of learning how to deal with it and learning how to let go. I know it's not easy. I would give anything to have a mother like my husband's. But you've got to take what life throws at you and make the best of it.

[reallyratherconfused]

It sounds so cliched but it was really nice to read all of your replies. I am only 21 and am just starting to face the fact that my mother is emotionally abusive but it feels so much better to know that I am not alone and that others have not dealt with the same issues but have overcome. I guess what is so hard for me is that in order for me to get better, I have to recognize that the problem isn't mine but hers. I'd rather it was me because then I could fix it or at least try; I wouldn't have to face the fact that my mother isn't the person I have so desperately wanted her to be for the past 21 years. But I realize now that I can't be happy if I don't do something and I'm petrified that I will end up just like her. I just feel like at times like these, the person I want and need the most is my mother who is the reason I'm here in the first place. But I'm tired of walking on eggshells and trying to spend most of my time anticipating her anger so that I can try my best to fix it before she gets angry but if it's not one thing, it's another. There is always something that is not good enough about me and my life. She tells me I cannot seem to deal with my life but when I think about it, I've dealt with a whole lot on my own and I am stronger then she gives me credit for. I was strong enough to survive her for 21 years. I hate that she has broken my father's spirit and made him into a miserable ghost of the happy, funny man I remember and get to see every now and then. I hate the way she has made my little brother stop trying to succeed and even try to fail. My little sister is about to turn 15 and it's her turn now. But I still love the woman she can be when she's happy. You feel like you are the luckiest person in the world because you get to be with her. She can light up a room when she walks in but then before you know it she turns and I swear I don't know her anymore. To stay sane, I've always thought of her as two completely different people. There is the mother I love and the woman I hate and when she's angry, she's ugly and malignant. She literally looks different to me. I'm so scared that it's too late.

I have a lot of trouble with relationships. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I don't feel like I deserve anyone's love, I'm not enough. I also am so scared to love someone back and be vulnerable because if I can't even trust my mom, I just couldn't handle being abandoned again. And I don't know what love looks like, my parents weren't really in love or if they were it's not the real thing anymore. My father is hollow shell of what he used to be and I just don't know if I can find something normal and good. The hardest part is that I can't let her go. I still need my mother. Is there any way to have her still in my life? How do you deal with a person like this?

[Tanya]

I am so glad to see the this website, its good to know that i am not the only abused child in this world.

 

I am 25 years old, for the past 21 years my mum has abused me physically and emotionally, she disliked me since my birth. She slaps, yells, calling names on a daily basis. Many time she called me 'B*tch' and 'Dog', it hurted so much. My dad was very loving in the beginning, he spoiled me with presents and toys. But my mum was telling him to bash me and 'punish' me, since i turned to a teenager, my dad started to hit me as well, this really hurts as he was so loving before. My worse memory was once i came home late (i dreaded to go home), my mum was pushing me and yelling at the same time. She then asked my dad to hit me and slap me...

 

My mum had an abusive childhood herself. she was the oldest daughter and she had to take care of 4 siblings. My grandmum hit her on a daily basis. Sometime i think maybe i should forgive her as she was a victime herself, then i thought "wait a minute, she made a clear choice to hurt me". I realized that we can give sympathy to her childhood, BUT there is NO EXCUSE for her to perpetuate it !!

 

She also compares me and my little sister on a daily basis, as she said, 'Why can't i have another child like your sister?', or 'your sister is so much better than you', or 'I wish you were never born'. It burns down my relationship with my sister as well.

 

I realized that my mum is abusive and I got to stay away from this toxic person. She may never change or apologize for her behaviour. About 10 months ago, i called her and told her that I do not wish to see her again, as I am not going to accept her abusive behaviour, also I am not going to be treated as the second best compare to my sister. I've told her that she nearly torn my relationship with my sister, which is something i don't want to happen. If she thinks I am not good enough, then she will not see me for a long time. I hung up the phone while she was yelling on the other end 'but you are the bad kid', i broke down and cry.

 

Now i felt much more normal and happier with my mum. even though she only lives 30 mins away, i felt different, i felt i am 'me' again. I am still angry with her, but i am not going to force myself to forgive someone who would not change, i think I am happy to 'cut' the relationship with her for as long as it takes.

 

My advice to anyone who has abusive parents is, take a bold step to cut off the relationship, as these relationship could DESTROY you in the long run. Some people will never change, just as you can lead a horse to the water but you can't make it drink. The primary responsibilty in your life is looking after yourself, not anybody else. When they hurt you, they KNOW what they are doing, they did it coz they felt great (even only for 10 seconds).

[RowanRavyn]

It is hard to act on a relationship that is abusive, especially one as confusing as a parent child relationship. I want all of you to know that you deserve better. Please get help. Beth, keep working on you. While none of this is your fault, you are the only person in this situation that you can control. You can't change your mother, but you can protect yourself.

 

Peace to you all.

[Jdjudy]

[color=green][/color]

Hello,

my boyfriend ran across this forum for me and sent me the link , after reading all the postings, I felt like I was reading my own story. Well I've been taking steps and seeking help to and I found this link FULL of useful self-help books too:

http://www.controllingparents.com/

I hope this helps you guys, this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to face--one thing we all got to remember is it's not our fault and that our parent is being the selfish one--and perhaps try to understand ( not empathize and make excuses for why the parent is reacting this way) but always, no matter how much they hurt you learn to forgive and do every emotional breakoff out of love for the parent and yourself--anger never got anyone ,anywhere.And be thankful for the small miracles of progress, if what don't kill you makes you stronger, then this forum should be named the Olymic emoitional weight lifters !

You guys hang in there, though I know it seems impossible sometimes. Allow yourself to cry like crazy and be upset and show these emotions with friends and people you can confide in--no use to allow that toxic emotion to build in on you.WE can do it one step at a time!

[Fayebelle]

Oh wow- that site is all about me. My therapist and I touched on my mom a bit but most of our sessions trace back to my dad (absent addict committed suicide) I really knew something was up when my BF started getting mad saying he had never seen anyone treat their child like my mom treats me (controlling, manipulitive, etc...) I guess it's a bad sign when I want to forward that site to her but I'm terrified of her response.

 

Guess this proves we can all take a bit of heart knowing we are not alone...

[YellowLioness]

I dunno, my mom isn't nearly as bad as some of yours, but she was still rough. She was a single mom taking care of two kids and going through this horrid divorce from my dad, and she took all of her bitterness and frustration out on me and my brother.

 

AT the time, I just thought she was a mean parent, now I can understand the name calling, the getting whipped with electrical chords and fly swatters. My dad took pictures and nearly turned her into child welfare services over one nasty incident, where she pulled off the road and spanked me and my brother with sticks that she found until our skin tore.

 

I'm not conding what she did, because she was pretty cruel. "I'm the parent, you're the child! God put me on this earth before you so that you would obey me! You'll never be on my level!"

 

My mom ruled through fear, not respect.

 

That's pretty much a direct quote.

 

Anyway, I just had to get away from the situation. My mom and I talk about twice a month on the phone, because though I do love my mother, I can't be around her. Also, she is a workaholic, so she believes that she needs to work two jobs to support herself, when she makes plenty of money to do so as a teacher with a masters degree.

 

I'm not sure if this helps, Bethipoo, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone in this, and that your situation isn't unusual. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My mom isn't nearly as controlling as yours is, I can only imagine your baggage from that.

 

You're so strong, don't give up on yourself. Just know that you need time to heal, and that you shouldn't feel guilty for taking that time. I think its so great that you're finally coming out of the haze of being controlled and abused.

 

If you keep going the way that you are, with in a few years you'll look back and think, "Wow, look how far I've come!" YOu'll literallly feel like a different person. At least, that's how it went with me.

 

As for boys and relationships... that just takes alot of time and patience on your part. It's so hard not to take out all of your pain on the person who is closest to you when you're really hurting, and you don't even understand yourself.

 

I know you don't mean to hurt your boyfriend, and really the only thing I can think of to say is that you need to heal yourself so that those open wounds don't affect the other person as much.

 

Maybe you need to figure out exactly what damage has been done before you can try to fix it. YOu need a friend right now, too, who can support you through this.

 

*hugs and best of the best wishes and prayers*

 

Yellow

[ColumbiaSarah]

Thank all of you for posting these messages! I'm 24 year old and

my mom has been psychological abusive and controlling towards me for the past 12 years.

 

When I first got into college I met a guy and got pregnant right away. He was physically and emotionally abusive and controlling so then I had 2 of them to deal with. Soon after I had my daughter I got a restraining order against him and haven't seen or heard from him since, thank god!

 

It seems like my mom got worse after I had my daughter though. She focused completely on her and tried to take over as my daughters parent. I've stood my ground though and fought tooth and nail to be my little girls mommy. I've not been able to afford to get out on my own until now! Day after tomorrow I'll be free!!!! My daughter and I will have our own house and she will not have to hear her grandma telling her that her mom doesn't care about her or that I only think about myself ect... Please understand, I do not put anything above my daughter. She is my life. I left college and have been working full time to support my little girl and give her everything she needs and wants. There's nothing I love more than to hear her little laugh.

 

I'm currently seeing a psychologist and without her I'd have never had the stregenth to stand up to my mom and leave.

 

You are all my heros for being able to understand what is going on with you and for seeking help! I've searched and searched through the internet to find information on parents abusing their adult kids. This is the first thing I've found. Please pray for me! I need all the stregnth I can get to be able to leave. Since she found out that I'm leaving 2 days ago all she's told me is that I'm worthless and that I'm not thinking about what's best for my child. Everyone please understand that when these people are abusive you they KNOW they are doing it. Somehow it boosts their self esteem and they get some sort of sick pleasure from it. Please forgive me for the gramatical errors. I'm rushing to post this before she gets home and sees me. 2 more days and my stomach will never hurt again when the front door opens and slams. My daughter and her mommy will be free! God bless you all!

[Bethiepooh]

Wow, has life has changed.

 

To handle my mother situation, I simply sent her a letter stating that I needed her out of my life for a while because I felt I was too "emotionally dependent" on her. It upset her, but oh well!

 

Well, as soon as I did that, I must have needed someone else to be "emotionally dependent" on, so I dated a total loser that was "emotionally needy" and that was a total disaster. I sacrificed a lot that I shouldn't have for him, but, alas, live and learn.

 

I am free and myself and darn proud of it. I saw the counselor several times and still seeing a psychiatrist but only to receive medication. I am on bi-polar medication and also an anti-depressant. I love it and would have never been taking it were it not for my ex-boyfriend (mentioned in original post).

 

Now, the ex-boyfriend, that is a WHOLE NOTHER story! He got married a few months later and avoided me like the plague? Looking back at it, I know why he avoided me. Because he felt like pure you-know-what. He told me a few months after he got married that he was unhappy. I found out he got married from my "emotionally needy" ex - my roommate told him and wanted to know how to tell me since I was so in love with the other ex (awesome ex). I knew that she was using him for his money, but, such is life, love is blind at times (or was it lust?).

 

Well, now he is currently going through a divorce. He called me in May when he caught his wife cheating. He needs a friend right now and I appreciate him and hated him at the same time for a while. But, he is amazing and I am proud that he now confides in me and has noticed that I have changed.

 

I love him with all of my heart and know that we are meant to be together. It is a struggle at the present time b/c he is still married and we agreed to keep our distance (which I think is a great thing). He is the most amazing man in the world - I mean the world to him and he means the world to me. I am so blessed that the Lord brought him back into my life. I am also glad that He assisted me with the change. This man I wrote an email to the other day - told him how much I appreciate him for helping me with my emotional and psychological issues. He didn't realize how much he helped me, but it's humurous at times how the foot gets reversed. *sigh* But, I will admit that it sucks being in love with a married man, but I know the Lord will have his will.

 

I never read half of the responses on here until now, but thank you guys for your input and I hope that this follow-up message encourages you that things can get better. I pray for those that are emotionally abused, for I know what it is like.

 

Love in Christ,

Bethiepooh

[Marathoner]

Wow, I thought I was reading about my mother.

 

"Symptoms"

 

-Guilt trips: She's very good at it. She'll try to use my dad or my brother to do the "dirty" work if her words won't do.

Her worse offense is using the phrase "Is my ______ not good enough for you? You are belittling me" fill in the blank with food/clothes/artistic taste/etc/etc

 

-Very opinionated and won't listen to opposing opinions: She could never listen to our opinion if it was different from hers. She just says "I don't want to hear about it, I am having a head ache now". And when she voices an opinion, she wants us to acknowledge that we agree with her.

 

-Very negative: She's always negative. Whenever we go out to eat, she would say, at the dinner table, how bad the food is compared to her cooking and what a rip-off it is. She does this even when she knows the waitstaff around us can hear her; and even if we are in another city where she has no access to a kitchen. I tell her she's spoiling the fun of going out to eat. She still doesn't change.

 

-Controlling. For example: I started running marathons 3 years ago. Just today she called me (keep in mind that I am 27 and living on my own), and said she read an article where an "expert", and she emphasized "Expert" twice, said that running is bad for your knees and that fast-walking is the healthiest exercise. So she asks if I would phase out my running and transition into fast-walking. I said no because I love running and it has gotten me into the best physical in my life, and my knees are actually in better shape than before. She would listen and then says "Why do you NEVER accept to my suggestions??? You treat me as if I am uneducated" (guilt-trip check...she was a chemist before she decided to become a stay-home mom...biggest mistake ever). I was fscking pissed. Her concept of "listening to her suggestions" means agreeing with her and adopting her suggestions! Now what's worse is that she's not a bad person. She actually genuinely cares for the "physical" well-being of my dad, my brother, and me. She just does a piss poor job in maintaining our mental well-being. If she was a bad/selfish person, it would make it so much easier. I would just cut her out of my life. But she's not a bad person and do genuinely care for us. She doesn't spend much money on herself and is always there to support me financially and physically (if I am injured/sick she takes very good care of me).

 

-Always drag out skeletons when arguing. She could be arguing about the smallest thing with my dad, and she would bring up the misdeeds that my dad did over 20 years ago. And how my dad didn't stand to for her in front of his parents. Admittedly, my dad's side of the family didn't treat her very well. But still it was over 20 years ago!!! She would repeat and repeat and repeat these old skeletons over and over again whenever she's arguing with my dad.

 

It really drives me nuts. I often wonder if she has Bipolar disorder. I think the good thing is that during the last big fight that she had with my dad, I had her considered the possibility that she's mentally-ill. But her words were "With a bad husband like your father, of course that could happen to me". well, I also admit that my dad is kind of addicted to on-line stock trading and doesn't really try to deeply-communicate with her. He's also sick and tired of my mom screaming at him that he has emotionally shut off from her. He's your classic definition of whipped. Do whatever my mom wants to get done and learned not to have opinions on things.

 

Having said all that, my dad is not perfect either. He is never attentive to my mom unless she's sick. He is too addicted to his online stock trading that if he would sometimes head straight to his computer after dinner and browse stock chatrooms; leaving my mom downstairs by herself watching TV. If my mom doesn't say anything, he would be doing that all night without coming down to talk to my mom. He does the same thing when he visits me. He does not watch regular TV anymore. It's always CNBC, Fox news Stocks. Whenever he borrows my computer, it's to log on to yahoo stock chatrooms.

 

God, I sometimes hope I can plug both of them into the Matrix or something and have them reporgrammed.

 

 

Sorry for the unintended long rant

[Tahretoy]

My God. I'm sorry you went through this. You didn't deserve it. Your mom is def. crazy. There are many counselors out there. Honestly, stuff like this takes years to heal, and luckily, you are still very young. with the right counselors, you can pull it together. I want to give you the name of a really great book that is out:

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse - Beverly Engel You are smart enough to realize these patterns will effect your other realtionships in your life. Honestly, I don't know you,but it worries me when I hear these stories, because a lot of people who have gone through this, seek out abusive partners because the abuse becomes a comfort zone. If this is the case with you, don't be in a realtionship until you are in a better place, work on yourself, and look at only the "positive" of things. I also know another forum you can write and talk to the Head of it, and he has a lot of knowledge of things. Type LarsTetens.com then click on forum. Good luck and if you ever need to talk- [email protected] Have a great day!

[Steph1303]

I know this thread's been going for a while but it's just amazing to find so many people in a similar situation to myself. I can't believe it. I wish i could've found this place a few years ago!

 

I'm 24. Had to leave home when i just turned 17. I couldn't take living with my mom anymore. I went out with as many losers as i could. I'm sure i managed to go out with all the losers in town actually!!

 

My mom was depressed my whole life. She made me feel like i was the most evil child she could've ever had. She took an over-dose when i was 13. While the paramedics were trying to drag her out the house she was screaming at me that it was my fault. Also that it was my fault my dad didn't love her.

 

Over the years she's told her sister that i've slept with her husband! She didn't even bother to ring me to ask first whether i had!(i hadn't) She's told people i'm a heroin addict, i've stolen from her and her house. The list is endless honestly!

 

Anyhoo, 3 years ago i met my current partner. I completely opened my heart to him. Good for me but terrible for him. He's been carefully looked after by his parents. Treated with cotton gloves really. He couldn't get his head around the stuff that had happened to me. We ended up splitting up and i had no choice but to go back to my mom and dads.

 

I took 2 over-doses and tried to gas myself. Obviously none of this worked and my boyfriend vowed to help me and get me through this. He had to learn a lot himself. He's been amazing.

 

I knew i needed as much help as i could get. I started seeing a psychiatric nurse which started me off on my way to emotional recovery.

 

Two years later, we're getting married. I'm flying off to Florida and getting married in Disney World this week.

 

It was supposed to be the happiest time. My dad left my mom 8 weeks before we were due to go. Thanks a lot dad! He's another story in himself! He was being a complete arse so i told him we didn't want him there and i changed the name on the tickets.

 

Now he's threatening to take me to court. My mom doesn't know whether she wants to come or not. Every major good thing in my life gets spoilt by them. Not this time!!

 

BECAUSE I DON'T CARE ANYMORE!!!!! When i start feeling guilty i either ring a friend who truly understands or my chap. I surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself or who i can talk it out with and know that i'm not being un-reasonable with either of them.

 

I have a very long story to tell and i'm going to write a book about my life to help people like all of us that we're not the only ones going through this or been through it.

 

I really wish you all the best of luck and when i finish my book i'll send you all a copy because we can all relate to it.

Hopefully it'll give you the scissors you need to cut the ties.

 

Love to you all

Steph x x x x x

[Woggle]

I had an abusive mother as well. I remember her screaming and yelling at my dad and throwing things at him. I used to hate the way she treated him. Then she decided to go find herself and left my father to raise me by himself. Those were some of the happiest days of my life until she came back and got custody of me. It seemed like no matter what I would just get screamed at and hit. I remember hittimng me so bad that she drew blood. She kept me home from school that week until I healed. To this day I still have issues with women because of her.

[Outcast]

It's a wise idea to get therapy if you still have lingering problems because of your earlier relationships.

[RecordProducer]

I don't have the strength to read any of the posts here right now as I am dealing with my own issues with my mother and I don't want to go to bed angry and bitter. I will however read it thoroughly tomorrow and post here, but just wanted to say that I struggle with this love/hate relationship on a daily basis.

 

She criticizes me all the time and tries to control my life. Sometimes I feel like her eternal mission is to make me feel like a piece of sh*t.

 

As much as she considers me smart, witty, talented, and pretty (all genetical factors!), her attempts to present me as a worthless human being in my own eyes are hitting a wall so we fight all the time.

 

I am just tired of her crap.

[Steph1303]

I too find it hard to read these threads. Purely for the fact that i have an insight to how all of you are feeling.

 

My friend is a counsellor for people who have been raped or sexually abused of some kind. She has to deal with people who are sexually abused by their own parents sometimes. She tells me that the emotional ties to your parents are the strongest you'll ever experience.

 

One chap was regularly raped by his own dad up untill he was the age of 29. By this time ha had his own wife and children and lived next door. The last time his dad raped him the chap turned his dad round and did the same back to him. That was the last time his dad ever touched him.

 

What i'm trying to say is even though his dad was putting him through the vilest of abuse, this chaps ties were even stronger because of it. And it was only when the power and control shifted that the abuse stopped.

 

There aren't any "10 easy steps" books to help. It's more like a million little one that will make the difference. There is no one way to stop it either. Every persons situation is similar but totally unique at the same time.

 

Therapists are good. My experience in England was helpful but i found they couldn't give me a personal opinion on anything. It was all textbook answers. They weren't allowed to give me theirs own opinions which didn't help me at all in some cases. It had the opposite affect. I felt as though i was being unreasonable about my mom and dads behaviour then all the guilt would start seeping in and i'd start thinking that maybe i'd over-exaggerated my story. You know, the doubts about whether they were really that bad or whether it was all in my head. But they are and it's not in my head.

 

It starts with you. They're not going to change (we've all heard that a million times!) so it's down to you. Go through any means you have to. You don't have to cut them out your lives completely to do this. You need to start building yourself up to be emotionally stronger with them.

 

Life is so short and with every day that passes i realise that even more. My friend hung himself 3 weeks ago and it made me realise what i could've left behind when i took my own attempts at my life. And also the affect it could've had on other peoples lives too. I now understand why people call suicide selfish. I didn't truly understand this until he died because by ending his own pain he was causing many others. I know it will affect the people closest to him for the rest of their lives. It makes me think, Would i really want to cause all that pain and suffering and grief for the sake of ending my own?

 

I had terrible problems with other women for quite a number of years because of the mental abuse caused by my mom. I couldn't communicate with them. I didn't know how. I was scared of the bitchness, especially if they were strong women who weren't afraid to speak their mind. I'd always felt intimidated by them. Now? I made sure i had a bit more contact with the couple of women i knew i could really trust (these women are a fair bit older than me) and built my confidence that way. Also, i trust my instincts. If my heart is telling me that this woman isn't nice than i steer well clear. I don't need negative, nasty people around me. I'm always right. You learn how to spot a bad egg!!

 

There are so many arse-holes out there. It's so difficult to find nice, honest, trust-worthy friends but when you do you know. Stick with them. Hold them close to your heart and don't lose contact. These are the people that will truly help you build up the strength to copw with your parents. And you don't have to pay them - bonus!

 

I could sit here and write all day because i feel for every single last one of you struggling for the right to be your own person.

 

I'll always be here if anyone wants to talk or ask me a question about my experiences and how i coped - or survived i should say! I'm on the other side now and i won't be going back!

 

The thing with this place is everyone who has this problem is in the same boat. If you haven't got a friend, you have now because we're all friends in here. That might sound like a bit of hippy crap, but it's true. Not everyone has these experiences (thankfully) so when you find other people who do, bonds are formed and support networks are created.

 

Let people help you. It's just another way of trying to get out of the rut we find ourselves in.

 

Good luck to you all!!

 

Your friend

 

Steph x x x x xx