Does Father’s instinct exist?

[lovestory5]

Just try to recollect an episode from the novel "Anna Karenina". Levin, sitting in a corridor, hears painful shouts of the wife during birth pangs and dreams only about one thing: he wants his beloved to stay alive. He does not understand whom this child, who has brought to his wife so much suffering, is needed. He thought about her life only, but he didn’t care about the child’s life at all. The man thinks so. And what about the woman? She, in her worst moment of birth pangs, thinks about the health of her newborn child only, instead of her own well-being.

The newborn is lovely and unusually important to her from the first minutes, whatever frightful he may seem to the father. Men often feel disappointment, for the first time having seen the long-awaited child. It seems to him that he is dreadful, too red-skinned, and too pity.

What did you feel men? Or what do you think you will feel if you still don’t have your children?

Do you think you have the father’s instinct? Or will you have it when the time comes?

Despite fashionable practice now when the father is present at maternity chamber and helps the wife, morally supporting her and worrying with her the heavy minutes, many men inside remained same, as Levin.

With a mother’s instinct all is clear. And whether is there a father’s instinct? What transformation do men’s feelings pass?

[EnigmasMuse]

just out of curiosty, is this about someone in particular?

[Alma Mobley]

Once there is a child after birth, there is a "father's instinct." Of course!

 

What you described from that wonderful novel is a common fear for expecting father's though -- women can die during childbirth and that is usually the man's biggest fear. Woman's fear, as she has carried this thing for nine months that she is connected to, will die.

 

These are very common fears.

[Stung]

certainly it exists, and there is a name for it: "paternal instinct." it's not as famous as the maternal variety, and is appallingly lacking in some, but it definitely exists.

 

one small piece of anecdotal evidence:

 

i had a difficult time with my son and ended up needing a c-section. his father was torn, wanting to stay with me where i lay still cut open on the surgical table, but also wanting to follow his baby boy when they whisked him away to be cleaned and examined. i, obviously, could not be with the baby at that time. my man chose well, and followed that baby. he wasn't quite as hung up on baby stuff during the pregnancy as i was, but he did love to feel his baby kick and somersault, and once the boy was born, he stuck right by his side to make sure he was okay and with somebody who loved him until i was able to be with him myself. nowadays i am staying at home with the baby and he is back at work, but everyday when he comes home he kisses me hello and then swoops the baby away for some private father-son time because he misses the boy while he's at work all day. he would do anything for his child, just one of the reasons i love him.

 

the one major fallacy you brought up, which i feel should be addressed: you take it for granted that ALL women are immediately and fantastically bonded to their babies. not so. while i do believe maternal instinct is real and kicks in for the majority of mothers, it is not always instantaneous; some women take time to bond with their children, and others find that they never quite manage it the way they thought they would. i'm glad it wasn't that way for me, but i do know that it happens.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't think it fair to expect that a father would feel an immediate bond to a newborn. While he's been around, he's not been the one who's carried the baby for almost 10 months.

 

After birth, I think the father's instinct is protective, to ensure that their progeny survive.

 

To humanize and modernize that a bit, fathers learn to love and bond with their children. Some men are more capable of love, the act of cherishing and overall, strongly bonding with their children. Of course the protective instinct continues.

 

This doesn't cover all fathers. Some men suck at being fathers, like some women suck at being mothers. For that matter, some people suck at being human beings.

[lovestory5]

Dear OPs, thank for your thoughts. It was really intresting. And to answer one question, this is about me. I loved my child from the first moment, even when he was not cleaned, but the my husband looked at the child and he didn't say it, but he showed it that he didin't expect the child to be like he was. : )

[OWoman]

With a mother’s instinct all is clear.

 

I don't believe there's any such thing as "a mother's instinct". I had to learn to love my children and it was as much hard work as it was for their father to learn to love them. We both made mistakes in the early days and we both had to learn the hard way. It was no easier for either of us because of gender - a little easier for him as he'd done it before, but all children are different and while that helped his confidence, it didn't always help the outcome.

 

I think it's social conditioning. Kids that are brought up around babies and are encouraged to interact with them are more likely to love and bond with them more easily. Kids that find them smelly, messy and scary are more likely to take time learning to love and bond with their own.

[serial muse]

I think it's social conditioning. Kids that are brought up around babies and are encouraged to interact with them are more likely to love and bond with them more easily. Kids that find them smelly, messy and scary are more likely to take time learning to love and bond with their own.

 

I think this is a really good point.

[Lizzie60]

Hard to say.. I'm not a man.. but I know maternal instinct DO exist..

 

To say that a mother immediately bond with her newborn is not true for most mothers.. some mothers don't have the maternal instinct right away... this is just normal nature..

[lovestory5]

Dear OWoman, it was really interesting to read about your experience. It is good that you accept some your mistakes and isn't afraid to talk about them/ Many women would be afraid to expcet that they were not good enough.

[Holding-On]

I don't believe there's any such thing as "a mother's instinct". I had to learn to love my children and it was as much hard work as it was for their father to learn to love them. We both made mistakes in the early days and we both had to learn the hard way. It was no easier for either of us because of gender - a little easier for him as he'd done it before, but all children are different and while that helped his confidence, it didn't always help the outcome.

 

I think it's social conditioning. Kids that are brought up around babies and are encouraged to interact with them are more likely to love and bond with them more easily. Kids that find them smelly, messy and scary are more likely to take time learning to love and bond with their own.

 

I agree.

I know men who have ended up with children their mothers did not want to be bothered to take care of.

It comes down to empathy and ability to read people. I grew up the eldest of many and babysat babies, toddlers and kids but it was my husband who could read our kids the best.

 

I used to hold our baby up to my husband completely puzzled and say "what the H*** does he want" and my husband could read him like a book. "Oh he is hungry, oh he needs to s***," etc. My husband is not exactly obviously nuturing (he fails the metrosexual test and my sisters consider him "macho" ) but it was clear to me when I was dating him that he was good at reading people, big and small.

 

I do so much better with the 5 and older crowd. Those humans that talk clearly.

I personally did not bond with my small babies right away and I spent 9 months feeling like I had an alien being inhabiting my body.