EnigmasMuse Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 OK where to begin.... I'm divorced and have been for a few years now. I ended the marriage due to several things. You name it, and it probably went on. Anyway, my ex-husband called me yesterday and wanted to drop by. I thought it was odd, because we share a son together but he never just wants to "drop by" unless he is there to get our son. I told him ok. He proceeds to tell me, that now after years of being divorced he finally decided to seek out the help of a counselor. He has been seeing one for a few months now, to help him with unresolved issues. He tells me, that the counselor thought it was a good idea to tell me WHY he felt he acted the way he did or treated me the way did during our marriage. He is not looking for a reconcilation, he just wanted to do this as part of his healing process. I agreed to listen. He told me, because of his parents, and the fact they had a crappy marriage, and because his mother chose to stay with his dad, he was greatly effected by that. In some way or another people's choices usually effect those around them. He said because of how his mother and father handled or didn't handle things, he did NOT learn proper communication skills, or to learn how to maintain or work at having a healthy relationship. He was never taught those things, because his parents didn't have those things. He told me that he told the counselor in some ways he felt robbed of learning those skills and was robbed of having a proper role model(s). Even though I look back over the years, and knew it was apparent our struggles may have been due to his lack of those things, it still didn't help the fact that even though he might have known in the back of his mind at the time of our marriage that those thigns were lacking, he still CHOSE not to learn how to do the things he knew he should or wanted. I then asked him WHY he didn't want to choose to not seek help then and to maybe learn proper skills better at how to try to work at having a healthy relationship. He said because in his mind he didn't want acknowledge what he knew he needed to do. He was never taught to work for anything in a relationship. he knew nothing but how to blame, and that things were always someone else fault. He said he knew, that he couldn't continue to blame his parents for how they treated him or how they treated each other, because he can't change them or the past. BUT there was a big part of him that still had some resentment towards them and is working on that in the counseling sessions. He has two other brothers and he says he fels it has affected them as well, but in different ways. He told me he was sorry, for not connecting with me, for all the hurtful things he said, the fights, not listening, putting all the blame on me, cheating, etc etc. and the list goes on. I was taken back by all of this to tell the truth. I am glad he is getting help and that he has acknowledge things in his lfe, I'm sure it was hard for him. The sad thing is, had he gotten some help them, maybe our marriage might have had some kind of chance. I know I can't dwell on that though. I'm where I am now, and I'm happy. There is a part of me now though, that even though I know a parent plays or can play a role in a kids life and the chocies they make can effect them, it still kind of pisses me off in way that they did rob him of those things. however, I know too, as he got older and became an adult he then had the choice to learn to get help or seek ways to learn the things he didn;'t know how too. He did say he thought part of it was, he was scared to learn something new. He was so used to his emtions being surpressed. Anyway no real reason for this post I don't guess. just wanted to share with you all the fact that he came to tell me he was sorry, and that after all these years he is finally seeking some help and is trying to acknowledge things to the best of his abilty. To bad it wasn't when we were together. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Wow EM, powerful stuff! I'm glad that you heard him out at least...and that he is getting help. It is sad that he chose not to get help during your marriage, but when he said it was because he didn't want to acknowledge things, that pretty much said it all. People can't change what they don't acknowledge. I am a firm believer parents play a big role in their kids upbringing and you're right, people's choices will usually effect others in some way or the other. At least you're happy with the life you have now. Just make peace with what he has told you, the best way you know how. Link to post Share on other sites
manugeorge Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 so much for staying together for the kids Link to post Share on other sites
Author EnigmasMuse Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Thanks Jack, I appreciate it! manugeorge- not sure what you mean exactly. But I didn't stay for my child and when I ended the marriage, I was happy with my choice. I couldn't continue to stay in a situation that was draining, toxic and with someone who chose not to seek help or acknowledge things. Plus, I saw what effect it had on him by his parents staying for the kids. Well, actually his mother told me herself she stayed for them. I think she thought she was doing them a favor, turns out, it wasn't. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Your ex sounds a lot like me, when I was younger and a cheater. Suppression of emotions and lack of communication were the rule in our family. We(family) were taught to be above such petty things as feelings. The men were taught to be hard ( we are a military family). When I met my wife and saw how much kindness and love her family shows each other, it was like a new world to me. Every day I have to work on being a better communicator. It's hard ,but worth it . I really can't blame my parents, because that's the way they were raised too. That your ex came back to tell you , is a very good thing. When I faced and told the truth to the women I cheated on, I felt freer than I have ever felt before. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EnigmasMuse Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Your ex sounds a lot like me, when I was younger and a cheater. Suppression of emotions and lack of communication were the rule in our family. We(family) were taught to be above such petty things as feelings. The men were taught to be hard ( we are a military family). When I met my wife and saw how much kindness and love her family shows each other, it was like a new world to me. Every day I have to work on being a better communicator. It's hard ,but worth it . I really can't blame my parents, because that's the way they were raised too. That your ex came back to tell you , is a very good thing. When I faced and told the truth to the women I cheated on, I felt freer than I have ever felt before. Thank you! I understand what you're saying. I know he shouldn't blame them and I think in his mind he doesn't really but at the same time, its easy to do because they had the choice as well and their choice was to continue on with the way things were. I think to, the way his parents were raised played a role, I'm sure most people are a product of their upbringing, but they also have the choice to fix themselves if they feel it wasn't that great of one. i guess sometimes, for some people, it takes them to lose someone close to them or to hit rock bottom before they are willing to seek help or acknowledge something. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Very true, EM. My attitude changed (ironically) when I went to war. I realized that I might be killed without telling those people closest to me that I loved them. I also came to realize that I owed the women I cheated on, honesty and closure for the pain I had caused. Call it an epiphany, or call it a change of heart, I'm a better man for it. Link to post Share on other sites
manugeorge Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Thanks Jack, I appreciate it! manugeorge- not sure what you mean exactly. But I didn't stay for my child and when I ended the marriage, I was happy with my choice. I couldn't continue to stay in a situation that was draining, toxic and with someone who chose not to seek help or acknowledge things. Plus, I saw what effect it had on him by his parents staying for the kids. Well, actually his mother told me herself she stayed for them. I think she thought she was doing them a favor, turns out, it wasn't. Yeah I was talking about his parents. And many parents who insist on staying in toxic relationships for the sake of their children, not realizing that children are very perceptive beings who learn and absorb bad relationship habits and carry it to adulthood. It's a vicious cycle really. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EnigmasMuse Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Very true, EM. My attitude changed (ironically) when I went to war. I realized that I might be killed without telling those people closest to me that I loved them. I also came to realize that I owed the women I cheated on, honesty and closure for the pain I had caused. Call it an epiphany, or call it a change of heart, I'm a better man for it. That's great! I'm glad you were able to deal with those issues and move forward and to let her know how you felt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author EnigmasMuse Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Yeah I was talking about his parents. And many parents who insist on staying in toxic relationships for the sake of their children, not realizing that children are very perceptive beings who learn and absorb bad relationship habits and carry it to adulthood. It's a vicious cycle really. Yeah, I understand. Its good when someone can break that cycle. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 it's hard knowing that your marriage took a hit because of his behavior, but because y'all have a child together, your ex's psychological "advancement" means he's capable of being a better father because he's finally getting to know himself better. bittersweet, yes, but also the basis for a more hope-filled future for your little one, you know? And as the aunt of many kids who are from divorced households, that makes me happy for your child because I've seen what strained roles some of my former BiLs have with these kids and the effect it has on them. Link to post Share on other sites
Heroic Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 My father was an abusive ass who beat me and my mother......I hold him up as the perfect role model, do EVERYTHING OPPOSITE of "dear ole dad". Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 14, 2009 Share Posted March 14, 2009 That's awesome, alot of WS's need to do that, because alot of problems could be solved with a heartfelt sorry. That's awesome that he apologized it showed he's a better man than before. Link to post Share on other sites
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